WDWFREAK53
Well-Known Member
Ouch...now that one just hurt to read :lol:
(AKA - GREAT BAD JOKE!) :wave:
-
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I apologize in advance....
- Thread starter MouseMadness
- Start date
Ouch...now that one just hurt to read :lol:
(AKA - GREAT BAD JOKE!) :wave:
mkepcotmgmak
Well-Known Member
LMAOROFLPIMP:lol:
mkepcotmgmak
Well-Known Member
Originally posted by Al
:brick:
Last go or I give in....
"A clown moved into an apartment block reserved for circus performers. He liked everything about the apartment. The kitchen was modern, the bedroom was comfortable and the lounge was spacious. And there were plenty of facilities: cooker, hoover, refrigerator, washing machine. The only thing that was missing was an ironing board, something which he could press his circus uniform after washing it.
"Why is there no ironing board" he asked the agent "The lion tamer and the juggler have both got one.
"You use the window ledge, like other clowns," explained the agent. "It's in your contract. Every clown has a sill for ironing."
i do NOT get this? i have read it three times... :hammer:
Wilt Dasney
Well-Known Member
hee hee..I had to repeat it a few times myself before it hit me.
Answer below...
"Every cloud has a silver lining"
mkepcotmgmak
Well-Known Member
A man wanted to buy his wife the best Christmas present ever - so where did he go? A pet store.
The pet store owner told him he had a singing parrot named Chet, in the back that was sure to make this the best present ever.
The owner comes back with the parrot and say's, "All you have to do is light a match under the parrot's feet, and he will sing Christmas carols."
The man pays the hefty sum, and takes the parrot home. His wife is thrilled, and cannot wait to hear the parrot sing. They light a match under the left foot, and Chet sings - "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way..."
In amazement the couple lights the match under the other foot - and Chet chimes in on "Frosty the snowman, was a jolly happy soul..."
The two were so amazed by this, and were about to put Chet back in his cage, when the wife asked (just like a woman), "What do you think would happen if we lit a match under the parrot's...well - you know... (male member) - so they tried it, and Chet reved up that old classic -
"Chet's nuts roasting, on an open fire..."
The pet store owner told him he had a singing parrot named Chet, in the back that was sure to make this the best present ever.
The owner comes back with the parrot and say's, "All you have to do is light a match under the parrot's feet, and he will sing Christmas carols."
The man pays the hefty sum, and takes the parrot home. His wife is thrilled, and cannot wait to hear the parrot sing. They light a match under the left foot, and Chet sings - "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way..."
In amazement the couple lights the match under the other foot - and Chet chimes in on "Frosty the snowman, was a jolly happy soul..."
The two were so amazed by this, and were about to put Chet back in his cage, when the wife asked (just like a woman), "What do you think would happen if we lit a match under the parrot's...well - you know... (male member) - so they tried it, and Chet reved up that old classic -
"Chet's nuts roasting, on an open fire..."
mkepcotmgmak
Well-Known Member
man - i feel stupid
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
.
Sleepy.
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
.
Sleepy.
WDWFREAK53
Well-Known Member
...Sneezy, Dopey, Doc, Bashful, Happy, Grumpy...
jake
New Member
This lady went into a pet store wanting to buy a parrot but after looking all the birds over they were too expensive. Just as she was giving up and about to leave she noticed this beautiful parrot but it didn't have a price on its cage. She decided to ask the manager about this bird all the while thinking she would be unable to afford it. To her disbelief the manager told her he had only had the parrot for a month but he had been unable to sell it and it was only $50. BUT he said it used to live in a whorehouse and picked up some unsavory habits which is why it is so cheap.
The lady thought and thought, she really didn't want a vulgar bird but it was so beautiful and the price was right so she decided to buy it.
The lady chatted with the bird on the way home and it said nothing objectionable. When they walked in the front door of the ladys home the parrot perked up and said "Different scenery but still a whorehouse." The woman thought that if that was as bad as the bird got, it would be ok. About an hour later her 16 year old gorgeous daughter walked in. The parrot said "Higher class but still a ." The lady was embarassed but ok. When her husband Charlie came in she didn't know what the parrot would say. All the parrot had to say was "Hey, Charlie!!!! I haven't seen you in a month. I thought you left town."
The lady thought and thought, she really didn't want a vulgar bird but it was so beautiful and the price was right so she decided to buy it.
The lady chatted with the bird on the way home and it said nothing objectionable. When they walked in the front door of the ladys home the parrot perked up and said "Different scenery but still a whorehouse." The woman thought that if that was as bad as the bird got, it would be ok. About an hour later her 16 year old gorgeous daughter walked in. The parrot said "Higher class but still a ." The lady was embarassed but ok. When her husband Charlie came in she didn't know what the parrot would say. All the parrot had to say was "Hey, Charlie!!!! I haven't seen you in a month. I thought you left town."
tigsmom
Well-Known Member
A high school teacher in New Hampshire asked her students to use the
word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all
his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the White
Mountains and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the
word "fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little
Johnny was noted for his bad language.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the
word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but
her are so big, she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried ..
word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all
his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the White
Mountains and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the
word "fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little
Johnny was noted for his bad language.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the
word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but
her are so big, she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried ..
WDWFREAK53
Well-Known Member
I heard a similar one with Johnny using the word "Hotel" in it...but it's not "kosher" for this site
(Because the (insert farming tool here) tell everyone!)
guwag
Active Member
Ok Guys, health warning time:
The following jokes may just make your head EXPLODE
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes I'm positive..."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
:hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :dazzle: :dazzle: :dazzle::lol:
The following jokes may just make your head EXPLODE
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes I'm positive..."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
:hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :dazzle: :dazzle: :dazzle::lol:
tigsmom
Well-Known Member
A group of friars lived in a monastery. As with many monasteries, the friars found it necessary to run a small business to support themselves. They ran a floral shop. One day one of the friars brought in an exquisite find: a Venus fly trap. It was such a cute thing, they couldn't bear to sell it, so they just kept it on display. But after a while, it grew so big that flies were no longer enough to satisfy it. It ate cockroaches, but it kept growing. It ate mice, but it still kept growing. It ate chipmunks, squirrels, cats, then raccoons and dogs and ponies. Finally the villagers got wise to this and attempted to put a stop to it. But try as they might, no one could. One way or another, the friars outsmarted the townsfolk and raided their farms of large animals. Finally the villagers pooled their money and hired a professional named Hugh to come in and capture the friars. Hugh stormed the monastery, destroyed the fly trap, captured the friars, and turned them over to the police. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
wdwhoneymooner
Well-Known Member
What do you call an insane, French, dreadlock wearing insect?
La Kook-a-rasta
La Kook-a-rasta
tigsmom
Well-Known Member
Have you seen the dog bowl?
No, but he's good at batting.
What did the irishman call his pet zebra?
Spot.
What's got 4 legs and an arm?
A Rottweiler
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door?
Mat
Little Old Lady driving along while knitting. Stops at some traffic lights,
and is noticed by a policeman, who says ``Pull over''.
``No, socks!'' replies Little Old Lady.
Q: What do you get hanging from banana trees?
A: Sore arms.
No, but he's good at batting.
What did the irishman call his pet zebra?
Spot.
What's got 4 legs and an arm?
A Rottweiler
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door?
Mat
Little Old Lady driving along while knitting. Stops at some traffic lights,
and is noticed by a policeman, who says ``Pull over''.
``No, socks!'' replies Little Old Lady.
Q: What do you get hanging from banana trees?
A: Sore arms.