I apologize in advance....

tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
A beautiful woman loved to garden but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes
to turn red. One day, while out for a stroll, she met a neighbor who had
a beautiful garden full of huge, bright red tomatoes.

She asked the man, "How do you get your tomatoes so red?"

He answered, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my garden and expose
myself, and the tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was impressed and decided to try the same thing herself on her
tomato garden. So twice a day she would expose herself to her garden,
hoping for the best.

One day, her neighbor was passing by and asked the woman, "Well, how did
it turn out? Are your tomatoes red?"

"No," she replied. "But my cucumbers are ENORMOUS!!"
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
Can you figure this one out???

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were roaming
in the forest when they came across a lake.
The water was enticing and Snow White decided to
take a bath. So she told the Dwarfs
to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.
The Dwarfs protested vehemently because they wanted
to take a bath, too.
Snow White relents and says,
"When I get into the water and you hear the splash,
you can turn around." Snow White undresses and
as she is about to jump into the water,
at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who
jumps into the water before she can.
The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH,
they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad,
what product is being advertised
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Come on now,
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
this should be easy for a person of your background
and mental powers.
?
?
?
?
?
If you can't figure it out just scroll down for the answer ?
?
?
?
?
?

?
?
?
?
"SEVEN UP!!!"
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly
The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling
you?
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
"OLD" IS WHEN.....

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer,
"Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to
go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
Sent to me by a friend from Texas:


HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM...

One hand on wheel,
one hand on horn:
CHICAGO.

One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window:
NEW YORK.

One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic:
NEW JERSEY.

One hand on wheel,
one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON.

One hand on wheel,
one hand on nonfat
double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,
brick on accelerator,
gun in lap:
LOS ANGELES.

Both hands on wheel,
eyes shut,
both feet on brake,
quivering in terror:
INDIANA,
but driving in CALIFORNIA.

Both hands in air,
gesturing,
both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to
someone in back seat:
ITALY.

One hand on 12oz. double shot latte,
one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone,
foot on brake,
mind on ! radio game,
banging head on steering wheel
while stuck in traffic:
SEATTLE.

One hand on wheel,
one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet
being on the accelerator
and both feet on brake,
throwing McDonald's
bag out the window:
TEXAS.

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck,
shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor,
squirrel tails attached to antenna:
OKLAHOMA.

Two hands gripping wheel,
blue hair barely
visible above windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate
in the left lane
with the left blinker on:
FLORIDA.

One hand on the wheel,
the other on his sister:
ARKANSAS.
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a "stiff one." Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."


A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest ? The blonde, because she's 18.



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
 
M

MouseMadness

Well-Known Member
Original Poster
Girls' Night Out

Two wives convince their husbands they need a girls' night out. The guys
reluctantly agree. The women go to a bar, stay a little too late &have
too much to drink.



Driving home they both need to "p" but every place is closed. One woman
says to the other: "Lets stop at the cemetery & we'll go behind a tree.
I'll watch out for you &you watch out for me." So they agree & stop at a
cemetery to relieve themselves.



The first woman does her business but doesn't have anything to wipe
with, so she uses her panties and discards them. The second woman then
also does her business, but she's wearing pantyhose.



What to do??? She looks around and notices a wreath with a big ribbon.
She yanks it off and uses it. The women drive on home quite late.



The next day one husband calls the other husband: "My wife got home real
late last and was totally drunk. I'm ed! I think she might have been
up to something because she had panties on when she left, but came home
not wearing any."



The other one says, "You think that's bad? My wife passed out on the
couch when she finally came home. This morning I found a note stuck to
her butt that read: 'The Men of the Evergreen Volunteer Fire Company
will never forget you.'"
 
M

MouseMadness

Well-Known Member
Original Poster
I don't apologize for this one! :D

When things in your life seem almost too much
to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar....................and
the
beer.

A professor stood before his class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began,
wordlessly,
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and
proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked
the
students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up some pebbles
and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly
and
the pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf
balls. He then asked the students again if the jar
was
full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and
poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
everything
else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer
from
under the table and poured the entire contents into
the
jar effectively filling the empty space between the
sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter
subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents
your life. The golf balls are the important
things--
your family, your children, your health, your
friends,
your favorite passions--things, that if
everything else was lost and only they remained,
your life would still be full. The pebbles
are the other things that matter like
your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else - the
small stuff."

"If you put the sand in the jar first," he
continued, "there is no
room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same
goes
for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff, you will never have room for the
things
that are important to you. Pay attention to the
things
that are critical to your happiness. Play with your
children;
take time to get that medical checkup; take your
partner out to dinner; play another 18. There will
always
be time to clean the house or fix the disposal.
Take care
of the golf balls first--the things that really
matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired
what
the beer represented.

The professor smiled, "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show that no matter how full your
life
may seem, there's always room for a couple of
beers."
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
From a friend who just loves that subtle NY accent:

A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men
when along came a guy named Vinny from Brooklyn.

"I'm not going to hire any wise-______ New Yorker", the
foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that
Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and
he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting
into a dispute. "Here's your first question," the
foreman said, "Without using numbers, represent the
number 9."

"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says, "Dat's easy," and he
proceeds to draw 3 trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree
'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit......"

"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time use the
number 99."

Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up
the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each
tree, "Dare ya go, Buddy."

The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do
you get that to represent 99?"

Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's
dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree, dat's 99".

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire
the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question.
Same rules but this time use 100."

Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the
picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."

The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says,
"You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"

New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks
at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along
and takes a ________ on each a dem trees, so now ya got
dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty
tree an' a turd which makes one hundred. ....... Bada
boom, bada bing. . When do I freakin' start?"
 
WDWFREAK53

WDWFREAK53

Well-Known Member
Ok ok ok...my turn...

A woman goes outside and notices that she has a gorilla on her roof...yes...a gorilla...

She runs in to call the police...

Woman: Hello, I have a gorilla on my roof...can you come get him down?

Police Dispatcher: Sorry ma'am...but we don't get gorillas off of rooves...but we do know someone who does...

*Woman takes down number and calls it*

Woman: Hello, I have a gorilla on my roof and the policeman said that you had experience in this sort of thing...can you come get him down for me?

Redneck: Sherr thing ma'am...I'll be right thurr

*Redneck shows up with a dog, a bat, and a shotgun*

Redneck: Well ma'am...it appears that you've got yerrself a go-rilla up on that there roof of yerrs

Woman: Yes...I know...can you get him down?

Redneck: Yip...and here's how we're gunna do it...I'm gunna climb up on that roof, push the gorilla off...the dog's gunna bite him in the "boys" and yer gunna hit him with the bat...

Woman: What's the shotgun for?

Redneck: Well, if the gorilla pushes me off...shoot the dog
 
guwag

guwag

Active Member
Two recently certified SCUBA divers were experiencing their first dive. When they reached 20 feet they caught sight of a snorkler. The divers decided to ignore him and venture down to 40 feet but the snorkler continued to follow them!
Agast, one of the divers signalled to his buddy to stay close to him and they started a decent to 60 feet. They were feeling pleased to have shaken off the intruder when they caught sight of him 3 feet away!
Dumbfounded, one of the divers took out his slate and grease-pencil: "Hello, we're divers. What do you do to stay so long underwater?"
The snorkler read the slate, took the pencil and wrote "I'm drowning you idiot!"

====

5 reasons SCUBA is better than $ex:

1 - You can dive as a group
2 - Your buddy will never complain if you get dressed too quick.
3 - You can change partner for each dive.
4 - It's just as fun to be on top as underneath
5 - Everything seems BIGGER underwater

====

Top 10 signs you have drunk too much and it might be better not to SCUBA dive:

10 - The narcosis disappears when you go BELOW 80 feet.
9 - You propose to replace the lift bag left at home with a sack of cement from Home-Depot
8 - You start crying saying that you'll never be able to move with a 3000 pound cylinder on your back.
7 - You ask yourself which flipper goes on the right foot and which on the left foot,
6 - You have attached your safety line to the bottle of beer left in the cooler on the boat.
5 - After remaking surface you insist on sharing a snorkel to breathe with your buddy.
4 - Your emergency plan includes the phone number of the nearest Liquor Store
3 - Your buddy signals his lack of air and you pass him your snorkel.
2 - DAN Who?
1 - You spit in your wetsuit and pi$$ in your mask


Hope I translated all of this correctly, tell me if there's a big problem :lol:
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my crouch while yelling "Gotcha!" Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
 
M

MouseMadness

Well-Known Member
Original Poster
:wave:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "Http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
 

Register on WDWMAGIC. This sidebar will go away, and you'll see fewer ads.

Back
Top Bottom