I apologize in advance....

[speck76]

Hu's on First?

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

 

[MouseMadness]

:lol: I am, of course, particularly fond of Ohio and Michigan! :wave:


KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO



Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourist Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State

Texas
Se Hablo Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Ay, Yep

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
We have more rain than you do.

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

 

[MerHearted]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

New Jersey rules! :sohappy:

 

[dandaman]

The Redneck Christmas Present

One day before Christmas, Paul wanted to get his friend, Jim, a present. So, he reported to the cops that Jim was hiding marijuana in his firewood. The police responded to Paul's call and sent a squad car to Jim's residence.

Two hours later, Paul called Jim and said, "Hey, Jim, did the police come to your house?"
"Yeah. For some reason, they thought I was hiding marijuana in my firewood."
"Did they have to chop the firewood for you?"
"Yeah."
"Merry Christmas, buddy."

 

[TAC]

Pre-Easter joke, but still pretty good:

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it for a moment and told the undertaker he would prefer to have the mother-in-law shipped home.

Puzzled, the undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago. He was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

[SIR90210]

Haha! Love the Dave Barry one! :lol: Here's mine:

There are three churches, one Baptist, one Evangelical, and one Catholic. All three are infested by squirrels, which are always running around, making a mess, and wreaking general havoc. The Baptist Pastor says, "Hey, I know! I'll baptize my squirrels and they'll eccept the fait and become more civilized!" So he does so. He's speaking to the Evangelical Preacher and the Catholic Priest a few weeks later and says, "Well, they've accepted the Faith, but now the squirrels come in every Wednesday and Sunday proclaiming doom and destruction of mankind, calling for repentance." The Preacher says, "How about I try preaching the Faith to them, then they'll become better behaved and stop causing so much damage!" The Preacher, Pastor, and Priest are talking a few weeks later when the Preacher says, "Well, they've become more civilized, but now they hang around the church every Sunday, and whenever they see me, they raise their lieelt paws in the air and shout 'Praise the Lord!'" Well, at that point, the Priest says, "Hey, how about I give them Rites of Catholic Initiation, then they'll stop being so badly behaved!" So about a year later, the three are talking. The Preacher asks the Priest, "How are the squirrels behaving now?" He responds: "It's great! I only see them on Christmas and Easter!"

 

[barnum42]

Keeping the theme going..

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home.
"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done." So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel..."

 

[dandaman]

All of these are great!

 

[Steamboat_Kevin]

[font=&quot]A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"


[/font]

 

[dandaman]

www.crazythoughts.com

 

[tigsmom]

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the
local pub.
He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle
of the road.
He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet
another tree

directly in his path.

He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a
slalom course,

causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car
to a stop.

The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks! him what on earth he was
doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops
him mid sentence

and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

 

[JBSLJames]

There once was a man from Nantucket. . .


Nah, better not go there. . .




There once was a women from Salina. . .



Nope, that probably isn't a good idea either.

 

[speck76]

Letter to Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I
want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and
some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after
a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.
My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, prior to going to sleep/passing out face

down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be
minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have $ex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

 

[TAC]

THE MIDDLE WIFE
by an anonymous second grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my
own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If
they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the
class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a
snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother and I'm going to tell you about
his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their
love and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach and Luke grew in
there. He ate for nine months through an 'umbrella cord.'"

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow and I'm trying
not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are
watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, oh, oh!'"

Erica puts hand behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"

Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back
and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my
Mom to lie down in bed like this."

Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the
bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming
water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push' and 'breathe,
breathe'. They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center. So there
must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another
Erica comes along.

 

[speck76]

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

 

[SIR90210]

This one's courtesy Robin Williams.

In the Qu'aran, it is said that if you die fighiting in the jihad , ascention to Heaven is direct. Once in Heaven, you are greeted by 71 dark-headed virgins. Now, any guy who's been around just one virgin knows what it's like, but WOW can you imagine 71?? Phew! Anyway, an Islamic scholar recently stated that there may have been a mistranslation and that instead of the virgins, jihadists may instead find 71 crystal raisins. Can you imagine if the 7th Commandment wasn't "Thou shall not kiil." but "Thou shall not quilt.?" And the Amish are going like "Oh, shiiiit." Here's my take on the story. Osama bin Laden dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates. Standing there is George Washington. Washington says "You work so hard to destroy everything I worked so hard to create. You shall suffer." Then he pulls out a baseball bat and starts whacking Osama with it. All of a sudden, the other 70 members of the Continental Congress come out from behind clouds and start whacking the ba$tard with bats, and crowbars and all shorts of other ____!t. As it turns out it isn't 71 virgins, but 71 Virginians! :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[tigsmom]

Subject: RE: Scam WARNING!



This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women.


What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young, nude, good-looking man comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.


While he is doing this, another person opens your car's back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.


They got me 3 times Friday and 2 times Saturday.
[size=+0]
I wasn't able to find them on Sunday. [size=+0]
[/size]



[/size]