I apologize in advance....

[tigsmom]

MEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED...

I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have $ ex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have $ ex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have $ ex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have $ ex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to f ondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess $ ex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have $ ex?
"I love you." = Let's have $ ex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have $ ex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have $ ex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have $ ex with other guys.
(While Shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I'm gay.

 

[tigsmom]

double post...

 

[speck76]

A sailor had gone AWOL one evening. When he was trying to board ship not long after midnight, the Chief Petty Officer, who was making his rounds spotted him. The Officer was not happy at this sight, and bellowed, "Where the devil have you been, Sailor?!"

The sailor tried to utter an excuse, but the Officer interrupted him. "I don't want to hear another word out of you, Sailor! Come with me, NOW!" and turned on his heel, with the sailor following not too far behind.

The Officer stopped and pointed at the anchor, whose chains were badly rusted. "Ya see that, Sailor? I want you to use that broom over there to clean off that anchor. And when I say clean, I mean I want them sparkling!" And he went back to his quarters, leaving the sailor to his task.

He got to work, sweeping at the rusted links as best he could, when a tern decided to the end of his broom would be a good place to rest for awhile. The sailor shook the broom furiously and made lots of noise, but the bird didn't budge. Finally the sailor took hold of it and tossed it overboard so he could resume sweeping. A few minutes later, however, the tern came back and settled on the broom again.

This went on for hour after hour. The sailor would toss the bird off, sweep a few links, and the bird would come back and settle on his broom.

Finally, just before dawn, the tern flew off. Relieved, the sailor started sweeping again, uninterrupted. But before he had made much progress, the Chief Petty Officer returned to look at the progress that was made. He quickly became outraged. "What's the meaning of this, Sailor?! I thought I told you to clean those links! And they are not any better off than they were last night. What do you have to say for yourself?!"

"But honestly, Sir," stammered the sailor, "I tossed a tern all night, but I couldn't sweep a link!"

 

[TAC]

Tourism

Questions sent to the Canadian Tourism Bureau:

Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 6440 Kms (4K miles) take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes!

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. Oh, forget it. Sure,
the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn ninety degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is... Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after
the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (USA)
A: You are an American politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal here.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be
safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the
brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by
spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to talk English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Q: Why is it that the USA and Canadian Border that the temp on the
USA side is 70 and just a few feet away in Canada it is 20 Deg.
A: We have to sell as many fur coats as we can.

 

[speck76]

BOWLING BEHIND THE WIFE'S BACK

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty ed.

"Where the hell have you been?!?!" she screaches.

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, "You liar! You went bowling again!"

 

[tigsmom]

How to build a better campfire



15 Steps to build a campfire.

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers(including those embedded in hand).

6. Light match

7. Light match

8. Repeat "a scout is cheerful," and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.

10. Apply Burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovery that fire has gone out during your absence, soak wood with liquid from can labeled "kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second degree burns, and relabel your can to read "gasoline."

14. When fire is burning well, add all remaining wood.

15. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps 1 through 14.

 

[speck76]

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest $ex scandal

"That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV

"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3

Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?
Listener: Mining and Engineering Services.
Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1

"Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."

Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."

James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."

Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV

"Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV

"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio

Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."

"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4

"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV

"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

 

[JBSLJames]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand ont he set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

 

[pinkrose]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking,
minding his own business when all of a sudden this
great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks
him off the bar stool and says,

"That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on
the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden
--WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and
says,

"That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves
and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back
--WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool
and out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says,

"When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.

 

[pinkrose]

>Law in a small town
>
>It could happen right here !!!!!
>At a trial in a small South Carolina town, the prosecuting attorney
>called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, on the Bible, and
>was asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
>truth, so help her God.
>The witness was a proper, well-dressed, elderly lady; the grandmotherly
>type well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman
>and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
>She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
>you were a young boy and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me.
>You lie, cheat on your lovely wife, manipulate people, and talk badly about
>them behind their backs. You think you are a rising big shot when you
>haven't the sense to realize you will never amount to anything more than a
>two-bit,
>paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
>The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then,
> >slowly backing away, fearing the looks on the judge and the jurors faces,
>not to mention the court reporter who documented every word, and not
>knowing what else to do, he pointed at the defense attorney across the room
>and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the attorney for the defense?"
>She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
>youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a terrible drinking problem.
>The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law
>practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
>on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him"
>The defense attorney nearly fainted and sat slumped in his chair, looking
>at the floor. Laughter, mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the
>courtroom and the place was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge
>brought the courtroom to order and called both counselors to approach the
>bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked ________________
>asks her if she knows me, you will go to jail for contempt of court

 

[tigsmom]

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

 

[tigsmom]

Three men were in the hospital waiting room when the nurse rushed in and said to the first man, "Sir, you're the proud new father of twins." The man said, "Hey! Isn't that a coincidence? I'm a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball team!" A little later, the nurse came in and said to the second man, "Sir, you're the proud new father of triplets." The man exclaimed, "What a coincidence! I work at Three Rivers Stadium!" The third man jumped to his feet, grabbed his hat and said, "I'm getting out of here! I work for 7-UP!"

 

[The Mom]

Geography of a woman:




Between the ages of 50 and 60, she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet, and her borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

I beg your pardon!!! :lol:

 

[Tim G]

Slap him mom... LOL LOL

 

[speck76]

I beg your pardon!!! :lol:

:kiss:

"Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive..."


"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake."

"That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means: "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me doing....how much did you see?"

"I heard you."
Really means: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means: "You're cutting into the time I spend with the TV."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

 

[tigsmom]

Brad, dear.............its picture time.

 

[The Mom]

:kiss:


"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

These are the ones that hit home around here! My real family forgot my birthday last year! (Not you guys, however) My husband gave me my present at Christmas ;he hates to shop, so gives me two gifts and says one is for Christmas, and one is for my birthday. Then he promptly put it out of his mind, and no one wished me happy birthday on the actual day.

And even he confesses that he's blinded by the refrigerator light! :lol:

 

[tigsmom]

These are the ones that hit home around here! My real family forgot my birthday last year! (Not you guys, however) My husband gave me my present at Christmas ;he hates to shop, so gives me two gifts and says one is for Christmas, and one is for my birthday. Then he promptly put it out of his mind, and no one wished me happy birthday on the actual day.

And even he confesses that he's blinded by the refrigerator light! :lol:

TSK, TSK, TSK...men! At least he got you a gift.

 

[MouseMadness]

I like 10 and 16!! :lol:

>16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
>
>by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
>
>1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
>the same night.
>
>2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
>not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
>be
>"meetings."
>
>3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
>
>4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
>want
>you to share yours with them.
>
>5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
>
>6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
>
>7. Never lick a steak knife.
>
>8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
>
>9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
>reason why we observe daylight savings time.
>
>10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
>that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
>from her at that moment.
>
>11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
>a
>big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
>
>12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
>religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
>we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
>
>13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice
>person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
>
>14. Your friends love you anyway.
>
>15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
>built
>the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
>
>16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes,
>and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
>something acceptable to have dinner with.


Okay, having worked as a waitress for a year, number 13 is VERY true!

 

[tigsmom]

:sohappy: Great thread! I like # 14 the best though.

This was sent to me by our own WckdQueen...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?!
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.