I apologize in advance....

[speck76]

Geography of a woman:

Between the ages of 18 and 21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful, with bush land around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 and 30, a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 and 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 and 40, a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war, but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 and 60, she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet, and her borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 and 70, a woman is like England or Mongolia. She has a glorious and all conquering past, but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where she is, but no one wants to go there

 

[MouseMadness]

oooooh, for your sake, I hope The Mom doesn't see this! :lookaroun

 

[tigsmom]

Speck, remember when I said I would huggle you in person if you showed up for the July meet? Maybe you should reconsider attending. :animwink:

You in soooo much trouble. :lol:

 

[speck76]

Originally posted by tigsmom
Speck, remember when I said I would huggle you in person if you showed up for the July meet? Maybe you should reconsider attending. :animwink:

You in soooo much trouble. :lol:

...brad runs and hides behind his dog...:lookaroun

 

[MerHearted]

I don't know if this was ever posted and I'm personally too lazy to go back and check. :lol:

Warning, crude joke. :zipit:
----

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, "replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little punk. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."

 

[speck76]

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The account person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The account person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag." The account person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag chock full of green bills with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the account person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?" he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got one hundred thousand dollars right here that says by noon tomorrow, your balls will be square, and I'll even give you four to one odds. You got twenty five thousand dollars you'd be willing to wager on that?" she asks.

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you. There's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shakes the bag, and says, "I know what I'm doing. I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Okay, have it your way," says the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at eleven-fifty-five tomorrow morning," says the little old lady, and with that she leaves.

The next morning at 11:55, the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He's gotten almost no sleep last night, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He has checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing.

When the little old lady arrives, he starts to relax, knowing he has won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" says the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable," says the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!"

"Not so fast!" says the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Okay, you win, here's your hundred grand," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, we had a million dollar bet that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

 

[tigsmom]

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around
when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the
bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she replied, "That's me, before the surgery."

 

[tigsmom]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe.
He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino!
Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby".

 

[TAC]

Understanding Engineers, part 1

Understanding Engineers:

Take One: Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, " Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly,"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't
have fit."

Take Two: To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist,
the glass is half empty.To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three; A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,"What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said,"Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." Then the engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Take Four: What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Take Five: The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Take Six: Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "It was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. "The last on said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Take Seven: Normal people ... Believe that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Take Eight: An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said, "he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship." The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said,"I like both." "Both?" "Yeah, If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some real work done."

Take Nine: An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled
at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?" I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and that I'd do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said,"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog.....now that's cool!"

 

[speck76]

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of [crap]
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh . . I see the f!#k-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13. Thank you. We're challenged by your unique point of view.
14. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. And your crybaby whiny-a$$ed opinion would be...?
18. Do I look like a people person?
19. This isn't an office, it's HELL with fluorescent lighting.
20. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
21. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
24. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
26. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
27. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
28. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.
29. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
30. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

:sohappy:

 

[pinkrose]

LMAO! #'s 9 and 10 are my fav's.

 

[JBSLJames]

So anyway, Hilary Clinton meets this hot chick while out on the campaign trail and brings her home for a night of hot luvin. Once Hilary gets her inside the house, they strip and start to go at it right infront of the fireplace. After they finish, the woman is suprised to see Bill asleep on the couch. Hilary comforts her by saying he is a heavy sleeper and they can proceed to keep going at it. The woman is skeptical, so Hilary tells her to pull out one of Bill's butt hairs to prove he's asleep "Plink" and sure enough, he didn't even stir. They continue to go at it and she picks a hair after each time. Finally after she secures the 6th hair, Bill rolls over and exclaims, "Listen, I don't mind you humpin my wife, but could you stop using my a$$ as a scoreboard."

 

[speck76]

>A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of
>breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said
> "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the
>ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
>
>They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
>This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said,
>That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
>
>They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This
>bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That
>s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
>
>The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the
>same cow."
>
>The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and should
>make a full recovery soon.

 

[pinkrose]

THE LOVING HUSBAND
>
> A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one
particularly icy winter.
>
> They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their
honeymoon 20 years earlier.
>
> Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.
>
> The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out
one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent
the e-mail.
>
> Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home
to glory following a sudden heart attack.
>
> The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
>
> The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:
>
> To: My Loving Wife
> Subject: I've Arrived
> Date: 16 Feb 2004
>
> I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
>
> Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>
> P.S. Sure is hot down here!
>
>

 

[MouseMadness]

If anybody finds this to be too much, I will gladly edit. :lookaroun :wave:


Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror.__ Her frustration
over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.
__ In an act of desperation, she decided to call on help from God.
"God...if____ you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she
prayed.
__ And just like that, her ears fell off.

 

[pinkrose]

:lol:

 

[speck76]

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest [unit]’".

"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy" said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest [unit] is the winner.And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed.Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His [unit] was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest [unit]’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

 

[Al]

LOL these are brilliant :lol:

 

[tigsmom]

Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by.

Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.

At this point, one of the other three said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen."

And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

 

[speck76]

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
A guide for all men

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk... = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is $ex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What’s wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!