Trip Report VISIONS OF STEEL & WOOD - Roller Coaster Road Trip 2018

VISIONS OF STEEL & WOOD: ROLLER COASTER ROAD TRIP 2018​

Two whole weeks of nothing but roller coasters! A dozen amusement parks! Countless multiple dozen thrills! Hundreds of miles! Eight dark rides!

Come join me, - and assorted roller coaster fanatics – on an epic journey from Michigan through Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Pennsylvania and New Jersey. On this ridiculous roadtrip, there won’t be a single Disney or Universal theme park in view. Instead our sights are set on the opposite side of the amusement park coin, on the wondrous world of coaster parks!

Yes, it’s thrills over theming! And I couldn’t be happier! Now don’t get me wrong, I love Disney parks (I mean, obviously…I’m active on WDWMagic). But to fully appreciate Disney, I love to explore everything else available too. To see alternate evolutions on ride concepts. Historical parks which preserve what the amusement industry was like well before Walt’s revolution. Pier parks. Trolley parks. Iron parks with steel monstrosities towering hundreds of feet overhead. In this world, Cedar Fair and Six Flags are the top dogs. Parks aren’t resorts, they’re adventures. It’s tiring, it’s extreme, it’s a wholly different sort of vacation from Disney! (For that, see my Hong Kong/Tokyo TR from last year, or await my return from Shanghai in late September).

And what all destinations could we cover in a hectic two weeks?

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Greenfield Village – A “living history” park created by Henry Ford to celebrate 19th century Americana, and an indisputable influence on Walt’s Disneyland.

Henry Ford Museum – The world class museum next door with its exceptional collection of American vehicles, inventions and more.

Cedar Point – Arguably the destination for roller coasters, and one of my three favorite parks in the world alongside Disneyland and Tokyo DisneySea. Home to the brand-new Steel Vengeance, already perhaps the world’s best roller coaster!

Kings Island – Cedar Point’s Cincinnati adjunct, a home for many exceptional coasters in a park whose theming and organization recall Disney.

Kentucky Kingdom – A small state fair wedged in between a mall and an airport, one which has become permanent.

Holiday World – A wonderful family-run park in Indiana’s most remote corner, noteworthy for its tremendous hospitality, water park and wooden coasters.

Kennywood – A Pittsburgh trolley park which opened in 1898, and to this day retains its vintage Luna Park style charm with some modern niceties.

Del Grosso’s Amusement Park – Basically a permanent carnival which emerged alongside a pasta sauce factory.

Knoebels – Wedged in the Pennsylvania wilderness is a timewarp where the 1920s never died, lawsuits never occur, and this incredible carnie-run park rejects every lesson ever learned by Disney.

Hershey Park – For some reason the Hershey Company decided to extend their brand with a park on par with Cedar Fair or Six Flags, full of professionalism, cleanliness, and no personality.

Dorney Park – One of Cedar Fair’s neglected regional parks. It has some rides.

Morey’s Piers – A wondrously fun pier park right along the Jersey Shore, like something straight out of Bob’s Burgers!

Philly on the 4th – Celebrating our nation’s birth on its birthday in its birthplace, in a town where the locals are more concerned with Rocky.

Six Flags Great Adventure – The grand finale occurs at the best Six Flags park, the world’s largest amusement park, home to the world’s tallest roller coaster.

Joining me on this quixotic quest would be a core group of four thrill-seekers, plus other assorted buddies here and there. Among this group, I was undoubtedly the Disney Dork™, the relative coaster novice with only around 100 previously under my belt compared to the 400+ these guys could boast.

Their perspective and insight is something else, and we’ll be meeting them all as my stream-of-consciousness report continues. (To start here’s the beginning of AJ’s very own trip report found elseweb.) For now, let’s simply dive into the thick of things and get this report rolling!

 

[MegRuss626]

O.k. That sounds scary!!

Moving right along here, I think that Kangaroo ride at Kennywood looks like hilarious fun!

Oh, I forgot to mention that the blue ice cream at Kings Island looks so healthy. (I'll take two, please! )

The best way to ride it is for everyone in your car to slide clear to the left of the car when it starts. Every time you “hop” over the hill, everyone “hops” to the right and by the end of the ride, the person who sat on the right is good and squished! My cousins and I always took turns being the squished person!

 

[D Hulk]

The best way to ride it is for everyone in your car to slide clear to the left of the car when it starts. Every time you “hop” over the hill, everyone “hops” to the right and by the end of the ride, the person who sat on the right is good and squished! My cousins and I always took turns being the squished person!

Wait, are we taking about Phantom’s Revenge? This sounds more like Thunderbolt the rider-squisher.

 

[MegRuss626]

Wait, are we taking about Phantom’s Revenge? This sounds more like Thunderbolt the rider-squisher.

Haha neither actually! I was talking about the Kangaroo The Thunderbolt is def a squisher...my cousins and I are around the same age so we were always close in size so it was a big debate while in line as to who would be the poor soul to get squished on that coaster. And the best way to ride the Phantom is in the back although me and that second hill aren’t too good of friends (not a big fan of the free fall feeling)

 

[riverside]

Haha neither actually! I was talking about the Kangaroo The Thunderbolt is def a squisher...my cousins and I are around the same age so we were always close in size so it was a big debate while in line as to who would be the poor soul to get squished on that coaster. And the best way to ride the Phantom is in the back although me and that second hill aren’t too good of friends (not a big fan of the free fall feeling)

I’m ashamed to say I’ve never been on the Phantoms Revenge(or the Steel Phantom for that matter). I’m too afraid of heights. I haven’t been on the Jack Rabbit in probably 12 years! I just go for the food—& not the Potato Patch. I don’t like those!! I wonder what planet I fell off of??

 

[riverside]

Great report!!
I really enjoyed your thoughts on Kennywood. I’ve been going there since I was born so I never really saw it in the way you’re portraying it. You’re shedding a new light on it & it’s making me look at it in a different way. The next time I’m on the Kangaroo I’ll be sure to think of you! BTW—Garfield’s Nightmare was a lot better when it was The Old Mill!!

 

[MegRuss626]

Great report!!
I really enjoyed your thoughts on Kennywood. I’ve been going there since I was born so I never really saw it in the way you’re portraying it. You’re shedding a new light on it & it’s making me look at it in a different way. The next time I’m on the Kangaroo I’ll be sure to think of you! BTW—Garfield’s Nightmare was a lot better when it was The Old Mill!!

Yesss.....The Old Mill was waaayyyy better! And I never rode the Steel Phantom...that was during my chicken/no coaster days of my childhood! And the corn dogs from the stand across from the Potato Patch (They paint the ketchup on with a brush and it totally fascinates me! )

 

[riverside]

Yesss.....The Old Mill was waaayyyy better! And I never rode the Steel Phantom...that was during my chicken/no coaster days of my childhood! And the corn dogs from the stand across from the Potato Patch (They paint the ketchup on with a brush and it totally fascinates me! )

Funny—I would ride coasters when I was younger, it’s when I got older that I couldn’t. My problem is being out in the open & I don’t like that. I can handle RNRC & SM bc it’s inside. I’ll do EE but the hill climbing up then coming out of the mountain makes me nervous every time!
My youngest brother(we’re 13 years apart) loves those corn dogs. Anytime I went to Kennywood & he didn’t I always got him one to go!!

 

[pezgirlroy]

O.k. That sounds scary!!

Moving right along here, I think that Kangaroo ride at Kennywood looks like hilarious fun!

Oh, I forgot to mention that the blue ice cream at Kings Island looks so healthy. (I'll take two, please! )

Do they still call the blue ice cream Smurf Ice Cream or is that gone now too? The kids area has had many many different themes. Hanna Barbara, Smurfs, a few others.

 

[D Hulk]

Knoebels – If Hoboes Designed an Amusement Park
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When Walt Disney conceived of Disneyland, he imagined a place where families could together enjoy immaculate fantasy realms safely run by clean-cut young professionals, all in an orderly and fully-controlled setting where nothing could possibly go wrong.

Knoebels rejects all those lessons.

Imagine a place that time and attorneys forgot, the inland version of international waters, where the 1920s never ended, where carnies are elevated to the status of kings, where derelict rides find a second life. Imagine Knoebels, one of the greatest amusement parks I’ve ever been to!

Knoebels is truly in the middle of nowhere. Holiday Park was merely remote. Knoebels is straight up inaccessible. How would you ever find this place if you weren’t already seeking it?! You take innumerable wilderness cow paths up and over mountains, over streams and into a smokey forested Pennsylvania valley which feels like a spillover from West Virginia. Even when driving directly past the park, you barely see it. All you notice are private homes among the pine trees…and an occasional Ferris wheel. Is that in someone’s backyard? Well, sort of. Like an amoeba, Knoebels has randomly filled in the valley floor in between houses, campgrounds and floodplains.

Parking (free, natch) feels like it’s for a county fair. Simply a pasture clearing surrounded by pines. Rowdy guests have parked randomly in a free-for-all manner.

Not that you even need to park in a specific lot. Knoebels is porous, accessible from all sides, with no fences and no official entrance. Escaped dogs and even local wildlife wander through with impunity. Needless to say, admission is free. Our access point was straight around a “Do Not Enter” barrier.

As a hangout spot for aimless locals, Knoebels surpasses even Disneyland. Folks’ll just come in with their own foods, then do little more than enjoy the hectic chaotic ambiance. There is very little permanent infrastructure. The park’s not even paved; walkways are all gravel and dirt. Bizarre buildings randomly dot the forested grove, each with a visual gimmick to draw attention – not like those loud, tacky boardwalk storefronts, but with roadside Americana wit. Buildings made of bottles. Shaped like a giant apple. Made from driftwood. At any given point, there are eight non sequiturs within eyesight.

Attractions are all pay-one-price, with ticket booths scattered everyplace. Ride costs generally range from $1.25 to $3.00, very generous. I shouldn’t be surprised that my credit card doesn’t scan out here; I briefly rely upon AJ with his cash to cover tickets.

And what rides! Everything feels vintage, historic, homemade, antique, unsafe. Kennywood was a great way to ease into the full-on knuttiness of Knoebels. And behind the apparent lawlessness, there’s great thought. The rides here are all by design the best of their kind, often important historical relics which have been relocated when an old regional park fails. When an older model cannot be found, Knoebels faithfully recreates one.

Take for instance The Phoenix, Knoebels’ signature wooden coaster and our first stop. It began life as “The Rocket” in 1947 at San Antonio’s Playland Park. When the park closed in 1980, Knoebels bought the coaster. Without blueprints, they numbered and cataloged each individual board, then rebuilt it. The results are astounding.

Nothing suggests it’s a relocation. Heck, I didn’t know at first. The layout is your classic woodie, rushing back and forth between two tall turnarounds. Pretty basic, but soon you notice that Knoebels difference. The trains are simply reckless, rocketing at speeds which feel completely unsafe for a ride of this scale. That’s genuinely thrilling, like the usual amusement park safety net is gone. The airtime here is great, enough to rival newer titans. Buzzbar restraints mean you will fly out of your seat. Even the setting – at one point the tracks literally sail straight over some guy’s house – add to the wild experience.

Phoenix is very, veeeeery highly regarded. It is the gold standard for wooden coasters, the Platonic ideal. It has the prefect traditional wooden roughness.

Our next ride is another coaster. Or is it a dark ride? Either way, it’s Black Diamond, and we could never reach a consensus on its hybrid status.

This is an enclosed “ghost train” style ride, like what you once found in pier parks. In fact, Black Diamond’s underlying structure was brought over from Morey’s Piers (which we’ll be visiting later). Simple mine train carts go up through a cramped, enclosed show building. Other than the lift hills they’re driven by gravity (the usual definition of a “roller coaster”), but typically at slow Fantasyland dark ride speeds – with the occasional mild drop.

It isn’t a physically thrilling ride. All of Black Diamond’s pleasures are dark ride in nature. It seems at first a typical Old West ride through a gold mine. There are miners at work…and bless Knoebels, their figures are more “store mannequin” than “animatronic,” with that wonderful Bonesville charm. Chicken wire and plaster rockwork.

As the ride goes on, it gets increasingly morbid. A cave-in crushes the miners. We see their violent death rattles under the boulders. The miners’ ghosts torment us. Acid-melted corpses lunge. Bats! Living dinosaur bones! Hellish bowels of swirling magma! And without any sort of reassurance or resolution it just ends – and this is merely my interpretation of the nightmarish anti-narrative.

It’s wildly different from the Disney/Universal style of dark ride. Totally unhinged! (Only Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride comes close.) I love the unsanitized purity. It speaks to the broader spectrum of what dark rides can be.

Next up is a true dark ride, considered by many one of the world’s best: Haunted Mansion.

No, not that one.

Knoebel’s Haunted Mansion is a modern (1973) ride made from the remains of old Pretzel “Laff in the Dark” rides. It is to them as Phoenix is to wood coasters – the perfected ideal.

The closest Disney equivalent would be Snow White’s Scary Adventures. You ride through almost total darkness. Cars smash directly through crash doors. Lights pop on and some horrifying demon leaps out. Three seconds later, it happens again. This goes on for 3 endless minutes.

There is a terrifying escalation to the ride’s ghoulish imagery. It starts out with the expected haunted mansion tropes. Simple optical illusions. Shrieks of the damned. The creatures are more macabre than usual, despite their homemade papier-mache look. As things descend into madness, with surreal visions out of German Expressionism or a David Lynch film, your unease grows. It’s more frightening than expected – riders’ screams echo throughout the paper-thin plywood walls. There are a few shock moments, ones I shan’t spoil, which truly stand out. A one-of-a-kind dark ride which needs to be experienced.

Up next: The fun and weirdness never ends at Knoebels!

 

[D Hulk]

Do they still call the blue ice cream Smurf Ice Cream or is that gone now too? The kids area has had many many different themes. Hanna Barbara, Smurfs, a few others.

I think it's just called "blue ice cream" right now. Was called Banshee Ice Cream two years go. The Smurf license came and went before Cedar Fair came in.

 

[D Hulk]

My Kind of Fun is “Knoebels Fun”
​

There’s no end to the merriment found at Knoebels. Aimless exploration will reveal unexpected delights at every turn. We make it a point to hike through the kiddie area, crossing bridges over natural mountain streams. The are random props everywhere. Now-rare attractions like a spiraling Sky Slide. A scale railroad circles the area, running directly alongside the local highway with no barrier fence. Many of these kiddie rides actually look worth doing, from adults’ eyes, except time and ticket money are limited.

Instead we do Impulse, the most out-of-place ride at the park. It is a modern roller coaster, an inverting 2015 steel thrill machine you could find anyplace. Apparently Knoebels wanted a looping ride, and couldn’t find one with a pre-Disneyland vintage. Instead they settled on this boring Zierer model. It’s really only noteworthy for its vertical 90 degree lift hill, but even then we’ll be seeing better rides of this style later on.

Nearby is the Scenic Skyway, a chairlift which carries you well beyond the park’s boundaries, straight across the highway (truck trailers pass directly below your feet), then high up the nearest pine mountain. It takes nearly seven minutes to reach the peak, gliding over hiking trails 100 feet below with but a flimsy lap bar holding you in place. Then you turn around and descend, with astounding panoramic views of Knoebels far below. For all the towering coasters on this trip, the ski lift remains the moment of purest vertigo.

We make a brief pit stop and head to Josh’s car. He grabs some cash, while I change out my loafers for sandals in preparation for some drenching water rides.

Sklooosh! is the shoot-the-chutes ride. Like most, not much to it. You go up the hill, you turn around, you go down the drop, you get soaked to the bone. Then you unload and cross the bridge just as the next boat comes down, as the splashing wave soaks you again. Then you return to the main park, thinking yourself safe, only for a rogue wave to soak you a third time.

Often I don’t enjoy overly-wet water rides, but in today’s heat it’s pleasant. We then cross the majority of this tiny park over to Giant Flume, your standard log flume. It’s a fairly simple ride along concrete flumes through the forest. But there’s a tale to be told…

Just as we’re nearing the lift hill before the final drop, the ride breaks down. These things happen. All of the other logs are ahead of us; actually, we were the last to board before it broke. So we sit bobbing for a while as the carnies wallop some life back into the sputtering machinery. The lift hill kicks into overdrive.

Now, a park like Disneyland would space out the logs before the final drop – you know, for safety. Knoebels could care less. Every single log just tumbles down that big drop, one immediately following the next. We were last, falling before the previous log had even splashed down. We rear end them! A great epic whiplashing logjam! And then the empty logs behind us arrive and start plummeting at us! All while guests in the queue are cheering on this lawsuit-baiting catastrophe.

As we unload, park management hands out branded water bottles and free ride tickets for our inconvenience. And I hold no grudges whatsoever!

Onward to The Flying Turns! If you’ve heard of Knoebels before, it’s likely for this – a recreation of a 1920s wooden bobsled coaster, the only one of its kind in the world. Wheeled trains rush tracklessly down a curved wood flume, with only physics and guests’ weight keeping them from careening out from the trough.

Without period blueprints to work from, only fading photographs, the Knoebels in-house team struggled greatly to bring this contraption up to Knoebels’ own “safety” standards. Construction began in 2006, and after many comical mishaps the ride finally opened to the public in 2013 – which is still a swifter turnaround time than Animal Kingdom’s Pandora.

The ride is low capacity and slow-loading, as they must weigh every rider and arrange them accordingly. While the trackless sensation is unique, Flying Turns overall is mostly a novelty. Water coasters like Wildebeest, for instance, create far greater thrills from a similar premise. Flying Turns’ main value is to attract guests. Once there, they’ll find zanier, better attractions.

Attractions like The Twister, yet another vintage wooden coaster. Originally, Knoebels wanted to relocate the 1964 Mister Twister from Elitch Gardens in Denver. However it wouldn’t fit on their site, surrounded by campgrounds and randomness. So instead Knoebels purchased the blueprints and constructed a modified mirror image ride which preserves the original’s idiosyncratic layout.

Twister is remotely located, accessed by a pathway flanked by private homes. Ride ops themselves manually push the train car from the station, maintaining that “anything goes” Knoebels sense of imminent danger. You head up a lift hill, then halfway up perform a rambunctious turnaround and enter a second lift hill directly atop the first. The rest is mostly a confusing blur, distinguished by a gigantic helix which circles the loading station twice. You slalom through the twisted wood structure, as all good woodies should. Before concluding, the ride randomly rushes off into the forest.

It’s taller and more intense than Phoenix, and with a more memorable layout. I’m torn on which I prefer. This one doesn’t get the same enthusiast attention, but I think Knoebels’ two classic woodies are about neck-and-neck; both fantastic thrilling rides!

Up next: Food, fun and a continuous disregard for safety!

 

[MinnieM123]

Nearby is the Scenic Skyway, a chairlift which carries you well beyond the park’s boundaries, straight across the highway (truck trailers pass directly below your feet), then high up the nearest pine mountain. It takes nearly seven minutes to reach the peak, gliding over hiking trails 100 feet below with but a flimsy lap bar holding you in place. Then you turn around and descend, with astounding panoramic views of Knoebels far below. For all the towering coasters on this trip, the ski lift remains the moment of purest vertigo.

I've always loved chairlift rides. This one is "plussed" with it extending beyond the park, and over a highway?! If I ever get to visit Knoebels, I think I might like this attraction even more than the coasters!

 

[fractal]

Enjoying this report immensely.

 

[D Hulk]

Carnies Built This Country!
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Dinnertime has come, and luckily Knoebels is knoewn for their food. With only one mealtime available, the options are overwhelming. Funnel cake, waffle sandwiches, homemade fudge, alligator meat, pickle on a stick. We settle on Cesari’s Pizzeria, partly because it’s a signature restaurant, and partly because my travelmates are culinary cowards. Pizza is 65% of Josh’s overall diet. I err and get a Sicilian slice, whereas the normal slices in retrospect looked better. Think I got a sub-par serving, not up to Cesari’s reputation, so I’ll withhold judgment.

Dissatisfied, I head off on my own to find a tastier snack. Lastly, surrounded by tons of options (a cheesy-looking “Alamo” restaurant, a giant loaf-shaped house, a Starbucks), I go where the line’s the longest. Always a good food-foraging tactic in unknown environs!

I can’t even find the place now on Knoebels’ guide map, and I doubt I could find it again in person. At any rate, I got ice cream. Insane ice cream. I ordered blind, choosing the craziest-sounding menu item. Got multiple scoop flavors (strawberry, chocolate, cheesecake) mixed in with fresh banana, peanut butter candies, sprinkles, plus whipped cream and a cherry. It was soooooooooo good. Forgot to take a picture, I was too busy destroying it!

I’d like more relaxed time in Knoebels in the future to fully explore their (super cheap) food stands.

Now on my own, I do the Knoebels Grove Railroad. This rideable model railway boasts a 1.5 mile track, which goes way out under Twister’s structure, out past the smoky campgrounds and the old hermit’s cottage, out into the Pennsylvanian forest primeval. Even just from the queue, Knoebelian oddness abounds. There’s a greased ear of corn dangling on a string from a tree. A squirrel repeatedly fails to grab it. The corn bounces comically. The squirrel falls. All laugh! Someone engineered this bizarre sight. In front of it, for no reason, is a statue of an ostrich hiding its head.

Out in the woods there are more elaborate squirrel traps for our edification and amusement. More greased corn is laid out as bait along rickety seesaws and gewgaws. No critters are presently flailing for our entertainment, but I appreciate the effort.

Then I do the Bumper Cars. No mere dodge ‘ems, these. Nope, they’re the world’s greatest dodge ‘ems! They’re made of fiberglass, and they still crash and smash with a recklessness that’d make a lawyer salivate. Pileups aren’t just common, they’re encouraged.

The ride op is an aging tattooed carnie who I genuinely believe is named “Skooter.” He’s worked here for decades, is a local legend. He doesn’t care about riders’ safety in the slightest. When a driver is cornered and nearly flipped – guaranteed to happen in each cycle – Scooter simply gets onto the speaker to drawl out “Turn the wheeeeel. All the waaaaaaay…” I hear this phrase six times. A great time!

Then I do another ride on Haunted Mansion.

Then a turn on Flyer, a flying flat near Flying Turns. This one is common in many parks – cars suspended spinning from wires. You control a steel fin on the front, which causes the car to sway. Knoebels’ Flyer is supposed to lack whatever safety precautions the corporate parks give these rides, so you can do some pretty dangerous things with your car. The big challenge is to try smacking into a nearly branch. I came close – smelt the pine tar very clearly – but I never quite managed.

Throughout, I’m exploring. I discover an antique Wurlitzer organ. A cackling old Laughing Sally proto-animatronic. A sign depicting the water level from all six times Knoebels has been flooded away in hurricanes – yes this happens regularly, and yes they’re proud of it! A stereotyped cigar store Indian of Santa Claus. Everything smells like barbecue. The entryway arch is in the park’s dead center. Knoebels is weird.

Even their standard rides are unique. Gasoline Alley, their Tin Lizzies car ride, follows a pleasantly meandering path along wood planks all around the Phoenix.

At this point the sun is setting. I meet back up with AJ and Josh for a fun game of Fascination. This is basically skeeball meets bingo. There’s an entire lit-up arcade parlor dedicated to the game, with dozens of booths, walls of prizes, and a barker in a booth overseeing the whole sham.

Like some West Virginian casino, there are grey-haired retirees everywhere. And practice though I might rolling my red rubber ball up at the prize holes, trying to get 5 across in any direction, I could never ever win before some retiree could. So I never got any tokens. Still Fascination remains an addicting and, er, fascinating game. It would be really easy to get sucked into this, to keep handing Knoebels your cash in a desperate bid to beat Mama Ethel two booths down. Josh did exactly that.

For my part, I joined AJ at the Grand Carousel. With nighttime fully set in, Knoebels have come glittering to life with vibrant popcorn bulbs and shrieking mechanical whirligigs. Their Carousel is at the center of this energy. It is an absolute 1913 Looff classic, ornate and beautiful with hand-carved horses and –

Okay, every park you could possibly visit has a carousel. Many are historic antiques. What makes Knoebels’ special? Many things, I’m sure (the pipe organ kicks major butt), but what really stands out is this: They still have a brass ring! Oh yeaaah, you ride on your dinky horse, leaning foolishly out into the void, arm reached out for the tiny oil-leaking metal device alongside an indifferent carnie. And if you touch that metal device just right, you get a metal ring. I got seven metal rings, but none were brass. There’s an element of luck to that, with the winner getting a free ride on the Grand Carousel to try again!

Used rings are fed to a clown. No, seriously.

We’d intended the Grand Carousel to be the day’s final grand hurrah. Still, we scrounged together the group’s remaining tickets afterwards to see what else could be done in the final minutes of operation. What my luck, enough for another go on Black Diamond (last train of the night), which I ran to while Josh and AJ trekked towards the car.

Running back, I notice how bonkers hot it still feels so late into the night. Turns out that’s called humidity – this is an East Coast phenomenon whereby water floats in the air and makes you sweaty. There must be an inversion layer in Knoebel’s remote mountain air. Josh’s car is drenched in dewdrops.

We’re among the last to leave Knoebels’ parking pasture. Driving down the forest roads late at night, the remoteness is stifling. Check out the picture below. This is two minutes after leaving a major amusement park! (Quite a contrast to Disneyland guests stuck for hours in the parking structure.)

“Turn the wheeeeel. All the waaaaaaay…”
​

We drove for an hour or so through the night, as roadways slowly evolved from gravel cowpaths to dirt roads to genuine full-on streets. Out finally onto the interstate, onto the major route due east towards the following day’s major park.

Up next: Hersheypark

 

[MinnieM123]

I would really like Knoebels. What a nice little railroad they have. And, the description of the bumper cars sounded like fun! (Reminds me of Paragon Park in MA, which closed in 1984. They had the best bumper cars--those things flew, and it was a mecca for deranged drivers who loved crashing into others! They had these long poles that went from the back of the bumper car, up to the ceiling, where there was some sort of electrical connection. I recall sparks flying out from the ceiling all the time, which just added to the overall ambiance! )

 

[D Hulk]

Day 10 – Hersheypark
​

(NOTE: Since our visit, Hersheypark has endured extreme flooding and since then recovered. Simply felt I should acknowledge that.)

To reiterate, Knoebels was ah-may-zing! A trip highlight, up there with Cedar Point. I pity the park which must follow it up…

Hersheypark was founded by chocolatier extraordinaire Milton S. Hershey in 1906 as a leisure park for his factory employees. The park has evolved over 100 years along with the amusement industry itself, playing host to classic carousels and wooden coasters. I anticipate a nostalgic oasis akin to Kennywood…

Hershey is definitely a company town. Every view seems carefully, fussily controlled by Hershey’s Chocolate. Not a blade of grass is out of place. All lawns are immaculately trimmed. Wide open fields and massive structures show a modern sense of scale, like Hershey is simply showing off their largess. There is a vast complex of attractions surrounding Hersheypark, including a hotel, university, stadium arena, chocolate factory, and more. Far from the homespun, vernacular joys of funky old Knoebels, this is an antiseptic corporate setting more in like with Disney Parks.

The parking lot is freshly-scrubbed, perfectly paved, and paid. Fifteen bucks to park; Hershey must think pretty dang highly of themselves! There are separate lanes for buses, cars, all different tourist types. Dropping my preconceptions of another vintage trolley park, I must admit I’m impressed by Hershey’s clean-cut professionalism.

Their parking lot trams are really well done! A shaded, tree-lined private tram road bisects the surface parking lot, blocked off by white farm fencing. Given the long walk to the park entrance (and given the 100-degree temperatures of a summer heatwave), these trams are highly appreciated. Easy to find, quick to board, altogether a wholly controlled introduction to the resort.

The entry esplanade area makes a similarly strong impression. For now we ignore the Chocolate World complex and move downhill under shade through a charming Bavarian hamlet. There’s a definitely a “Disney” feel to Hersheypark’s presentation. Quick, efficient security checkpoint. Themed shops and restaurants, none of which fail to trumpet the “Hershey” branding with anthropomorphic candy mascots. Quaint, engaging music pumped in. Fountains. A live marching band performs for the gathered crowds prior to rope drop. Hershey is putting their best food forward!

Also like Disney, the entry gates are maddeningly inefficient. (Disneyland has gotten freakishly slow at entry in recent years!) Blame that on the guests partly; the group ahead of us seemed unclear on how ticketed entry works in general, and they haggled with a slow-talking vendor for way to long. We just had to exchange paper vouchers for online tickets pre-purchased, and that same vendor took several unhurried minutes to slooooowly stamp and “OK” these sheets. (Picture the Zootopia sloths.)

Cracks are showing in Hershey’s façade. Soon they’ll crumble further.

Hersheypack has a lopsided layout. It is mostly long and linear, with entry gates waaaaaay to the far right. And while the Founder’s Way entry area briefly maintains that nice Germanic feel, theming and appearance downgrade the further into the park you travel. With pricey tickets purchased and park entered, soon you discover a wannabe Cedar Flags / Six Fair sort of park. One without real themed areas, despite all the signage and corporate spiel proclaiming otherwise. Altogether a pretty basic – if well-executed – amusement park with apparent delusions of grandeur (a Disney-style entrance and prices).

Our ride strategy for the day – our ride strategy for every day, really – is to start at rope drop with the park’s low-capacity headliner, and then rush towards the rear. From here we’ll do high-priority coasters first, then downshift into a more relaxed pace in the aftertoon. This strategy means wait times are rarely over 5 minutes.

Rob joins us in this morning rush, here for one final day with AJ, Josh and me. Outpacing the rope drop crowds, we dash through a park with no apparent personality or identity. Just pavement, trees, mall-level architecture, and chain link fences. It’s all well-done blandness, the very essence of corporate executive group-design. Oh well, maybe the coasters will be good…

Hersheypark’s “Peter Pan” is Fahrenheit, so named for its 97-degree initial drop. (As in 97-degrees Fahrenheit, and if only the weather were that cold!) This is an Intamin ride whose main features are a vertical lift hill and six inversions over a tightly-packed acreage. It’s the better-done version of Knoebels’ Impulse…and little more. It’s over extremely quickly, barely over a minute after it began. I exit feeling like the ride was building up to something, was setting the stage for wilder stuff to come (like so many other Intamin coasters), only to end prematurely once half-finished.

This would become a common factor with Hersheypark’s coasters.

Exiting from Fahrenheit (which we did as a walk-on), its line is already at 50 minutes! Good thing we outran the crowds.

We continue through the so-called Pioneer Frontier area, though you’d be hard-pressed to find any Old West theming in this legally-mandated Old West area. Only the park’s guide map and website imply any. We pass into the Midway America area without realizing it. At least the “midway” theme is an excuse to present rides without wit or decoration.

We do Wild Mouse, a wild mouse. It’s pointless.

Next up is Laff Trakk, which could be argued is an enclosed wild mouse. It’s an enclosed family spinning coaster, at any rate, one with supposedly the same layout (post-lift hill) as WDSP’s Crush Coaster. The ride experience makes very little impression on me. It doesn’t spin enough to disorient or excite, which is fine for a family coaster. But even for a family coaster, nothing happens…and it ends super quickly anyway in true Hersheypark style.

“Man, the food here is terrible.” “I know, and in such small portions.”

By Hersheypark standards, Laff Trakk is well-themed. It’s supposed to be a funhouse, like at the old turn-of-the-century parks we’ve just visited. There’s even a ride mascot, Laughing Sally that famous vintage animatronic, here reimagined as a bland semi-Disney normal cartoon character. Way to sand the edges off a cool trolley park concept! Why clean-cut parks insist on doing watered-down versions of seedier parks I’ll never understand.

Next we do Lightning Racer, which as a coaster has genuine personality. This is a dueling wooden coaster by GCI, one where the two trains constantly rush at each other, around each other, over and under each other, allowing for several engaging moments taunting the riders opposite you. Josh and I intentionally sit across from AJ and Rob. We attempt high fives throughout. The ride’s GCI-style banks and bunny hills add to the fun. The ride time is decent too, making for a very solid family coaster!

Too bad the sleaziest, greasiest, unsafest thing of the whole trip happened to me here. I sit and pull down my lap bar…and it doesn’t latch. Just flops back up. (Josh’s locked fine.) And the ripe op comes along to test my restraint, hopefully to resolve this. She sees that it’s loose…and just walks away. Even makes a dismissive hand gesture. And they send us off, me totally unrestrained and loose! I make quick plans to use Josh as a cling-to if need be.

Luckily once the coaster hit its first drop, the lap bar fell into place and locked. AJ afterwards assures me that I was always safe. But Hersheypark’s ride ops, for all their surface-level sheen and gormless professionalism, totally and completely dropped the ball here!

I apologize if I’m coming across super harsh on Hersheypark. I gather from comments that it’s many people’s favorite Pennsylvania park, likely because it’s the most accessible and mainstream. It is a decent enough park, but it’s super bland against Knoebels, Kennywood and their ilk.

Up next: More Hersheypark (Where Six Flags Style Meets Disney Pretensions)

 

[MinnieM123]

Too bad the sleaziest, greasiest, unsafest thing of the whole trip happened to me here. I sit and pull down my lap bar…and it doesn’t latch. Just flops back up. (Josh’s locked fine.) And the ripe op comes along to test my restraint, hopefully to resolve this. She sees that it’s loose…and just walks away. Even makes a dismissive hand gesture. And they send us off, me totally unrestrained and loose! I make quick plans to use Josh as a cling-to if need be.

Luckily once the coaster hit its first drop, the lap bar fell into place and locked. AJ afterwards assures me that I was always safe. But Hersheypark’s ride ops, for all their surface-level sheen and gormless professionalism, totally and completely dropped the ball here!

Yikes. You were lucky that the lap bar latched (eventually . . . ). As for the dismissive attitude of the ride attendant, that would make me question the overall safety standards of the ride, and possibly even the rest of the park. First impressions can be lasting.

 

[D Hulk]

Day 11 – Reflections of Hersheypark
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Wildcat is another GCI wooden coaster. Seems a little redundant for one park to have two. This one is notably GCI’s first ever design. It feels like a first attempt. The twisting layout and the banked turns that GCI is famous for, that’s all here in a nascent form. The seeds of good ideas to come. Not good yet. Wildcat is rough even by wood coaster standards. My travelmates declare it painful and deeply unpleasant. I’m mostly immune to woodie roughness (unlike steel roughness), but I still find it at best bland and generic. And over too soon!

We’ve now accomplished all the coasters in the park’s rear. We double back past the Boardwalk water park and its bermless views of the world beyond. We return to Pioneer Frontier, best as I can distinguish one vegetated hill from another. We do Storm Runner.

(Nearby is your usual off-the-shelf, order-online Boomerang coaster, serial numbers filed off and renamed Sidewinder for all the good that’ll do. None of us ever consider riding it.)

Storm Runner is another Intamin – at least Hersheypark chooses good manufacturers. It is a launched Accelerator Coaster, one which answers one of my great coaster questions: “What if Top Thrill Dragster actually had a layout after its drop?”

Like Top Thrill Dragster, Storm Runner begins with a straightaway launch which sends cars vertically up a top hat hill, then plummeting vertically straight down. This is noticeably scaled-down from Dragster, from 420’ down to 150’ – more in line with Xcelerator at Knott’s. That’s fine, though, since the ride doesn’t end there. Instead trains use their momentum to continue through a wonderfully bonkers inverting course, like Dragster transformed into Maverick – which sounds like the greatest thing ever! There are some weiiiiiird elements here, many only-of-their-kind things like a “Flying Snake Dive” which consist of tight twists and dives way up high in the air. So far this is easily my favorite coaster of the park!

Until it ends about halfway through!

The entire ride is under a minute long. It still had momentum going. Why does Hersheypark keep shortchanging their rides?! Seems there’s not enough space to do proper long rides, but they keep putting in half-measures anyway. Like Hersheypark was so, so desperate to become Magic Mountain that they over-expanded too quickly without a proper master plan…all while likely eliminating any historical charm in the process.

Trailblazer is an Arrow mine train coaster nearby. “Mine train coaster” is kinda the only evidence that Pioneer Frontier is supposed to be Old Western. Now…most mine trains usually have at least two lift hills. Trailblazer has only one. It’s literally half a mine train coaster! And they built this one in 1974 before space was at a premium, so there’s no excuse for shortchanging riders.

The ride itself is super generic too. A banked turn, S-turn, brake run, helix. That’s it.

We proceed through an area called Kissing Tower Hill, a name I don’t fully understand. There’s something to do with the new Hershey Triple Tower which serves as the area’s weenie. This is actually a pretty neat thing! While Hersheypark has the generic log flume car ride carousel railroad sky ride flat ride splash boat collection, they’ve somehow done something unique with their drop towers. They don’t have just one, they have three! Three towers of different heights and intensity placed alongside each other in a strikingly iconic composition.

How’d something this clever get past the executives?! Why, with branding! The towers are called Kisses, Reese’s, and Hershey’s, referring to the intense experience of first biting into a crisp, delicious Hershey Brand Chocolate Product Bar…

Oh right, wasn’t this gonna be, like, a chocolate-themed park?! Like, a raft ride down a cocoa river perhaps? Eh, not really – that’d be a creative decision, and thus beyond the purvue of Hershey Entertainment and Resorts Company. The nearby city shows more creativity, what with its Kisses-shaped streetlamps. The only in-park bit of chocolate “theming” is to give height restriction categories different Hershey names – going logically from Miniatures (under 36”) to Reese’s (42”-48”) until the pattern sort of breaks down and people over 60” tall are called JollyRanchers. And if you crave a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup after reading this trip report, then their branding works!

Okay, whatever, next ride: Great Bear. And with a name like that, would you guess B&M invert? I dunno, I hear “bear,” I think RMC. But by “Great Bear” they mean Ursus, the constellation, the night sky which suggests flying under a track which…sure, Hersheypark. It’s an arbitrarily-chosen theme, but that’s what you get when there’s no theme to begin with.

The ride is typical for the genre. The same inversions as usual. Nothing about it really stands out, for good or ill. I’m just surprised by how long the ride is, all told, lasting well over 2 minutes quite unlike anything else here.

Down we go into The Hollow, a new name for a new area you can’t otherwise tell apart. This is where all the fun historical stuff probably once stood before some business school graduate decided trolley parks didn’t fit that quarter’s bottom line.

Stock photo​

SooperDooperLooper is a 1970s vintage Schwarzkopt looping coaster, so at least there’s some nostalgia still to be found. It mostly just meanders around the hills for a while and tosses in a single vertical loop halfway through. Compared to its contemporaries like Revolution or Corkscrew, this is lesser. The loop is hidden from the pathways, robbing the ride of iconic status. Otherwise only its name stands out, dorky as it is.

And it ends after about a minute.

A little river runs through. Crossing it is the Skyview gondola ride, the best testament yet to Hersheypark’s half-finished ride philosophy. Gondola rides should go up into the sky, offer panoramic views, and ideally cross over other rides as they transport you across the park. Skyview merely goes over the river, then comes back. Congrats, Hersheypark, you technically managed to install a gondola ride system and do nothing with it!

Skyrush is an Intamin hypercoaster, a 212-foot-tall terror. Compare Intamin’s approach to, say, B&M’s Diamondback. While Diamondback is effortlessly smooth and graceful, Skyrush is extraordinarily intense! The initial drop provides ejector airtime which threatens to propel you into the parking lot. The rest of the track stays low, forcefully S-turning like an over-sized Maverick when it isn’t performing vicious airtime hills. As expected it’s over way, way too soon (one minute on the dot), but otherwise Skyrush could be Hersheypark’s best coaster. Could…

If it weren’t for those trains. This was Intamin’s attempt at a wing coaster prototype, and there’s a reason there aren’t more. You sit four-across, the outer riders on “wing” seats out from the track. Because of the extreme intensity, seat restraints are prohibitively tight. They pinch your thigh halfway up, nowhere near the lap. Skyrush is famously painful. It’s possible that traditional Millennium Force-style trains could improve the ride, but I don’t know the technical complexities.

Lastly we do Comet. This is a classic 1947 wooden coaster. There have been so, so many wonderful vintage woodies on this trip, and I’m excited to add another to the list! If only Comet could’ve distinguished itself in any way whatsoever. Perhaps Hersheypark was just as bland in the 1940s.

Our group had delayed lunch on purpose to complete the coaster collection. Now it was time to feast! Options seemed slim everywhere. We defaulted to Founder’s Way. As a bland uncreative park, Hersheypark fully embraces the “crappy overpriced theme park food” trope. My barely-edible slice of pizza easily stands out as the worst meal of the trip. Rob ate the same and said the same: “Very terrible.”

Then we all did the worst dark ride of the trip.

Followed by the best dark ride of the trip.

Up next: Dark rides, rerides and log rides

 

[D Hulk]

Hershey’s Chocolate World
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Reese’s X-Treme Cup Challenge is – sigh! – a shooting dark ride. The façade is poorly presented; I honestly thought it was a restroom. The theme inside is some executive’s misinterpretation of “x-treme” sports the “groms” will find “lit” and “da bomb.” All with an overlay of Team Peanut Butter vs. Team Chocolate, because god forbid you fail to force feed that brand. I love Reese’s and all, but this is tacky.

The ride system is strange, like a spinning car atop a powered coaster track. They don’t take advantage of this; old Pretzel cars could’ve done this ride the same. Pointless. The shooting element doesn’t work well, but that’s a common issue. Plus you’re shooting children. Ummm, so, there are cutout child athletes and sport-themed scenery, with targets around them. A weird unintended message to put forth, Hershey!

Also, the ride broke down. This was the best part, with leisurely views of overlit chintziness. We had an impromptu blaster battle with the family in a nearby car. Then they just powered our cars through the remaining ride in B-mode. Nothing worked. Hersheypark’s employees, bless them, saw us off without an apology or a line cutting pass or candy bar or anything.

We expected the X-Treme Cup Challenge to be bad – not quite that bad – because next we’re leaving Hersheypark to do Hershey’s Chocolate World. Now, I’ve been ing all over Hersheypark this entire time, but I have almost nothing but kind words for Chocolate World. And wouldn’t you know it, an entirely different Hershey’s division runs Chocolate World – that’d be The Hershey Company itself – which speaks to the huge qualitative difference.

As clean-scrubbed as Chocolate World is, the massive missing “Y” in “Hershey” is literally a bad sign​

One automatic advantage: Chocolate World is indoors with A/C.

Chocolate World is an EPCOT Center pavilion dedicated to chocolate. It’s all an advertisement for Hershey, you never lose sight of that, but it is very well done corporate propaganda. The interior has several up-charge attractions like a 4D IMAX movie or a “Build Your Own Chocolate Bar” experience. The pavilion’s centerpiece is a free 14-minute long Hershey’s Chocolate Tour dark ride.

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I love long rides! This one is great, a 1973 omnimover in the World’s Fair style. Guests expecting Wonka-esque whimsical surreality will be disappointed, though. It’s more informative and presentational, a slow journey through a fake chocolate factory with talking heads describing a simplified, homogenized, watered-down version of the chocolate-making process. It’s geared towards the kiddies, with talking cartoon chocolates (a recent addition) and a theme song. The whole ride is high budget and top quality, which wins me over. AJ feels similarly, I think. Josh is put off by the commercial sheen.

There’s a subtle pervasive chocolate scent wafting throughout. They’re making you subliminally hungry. The ride concludes with a free miniature chocolate bar sample. (And an up-charge pre-ride photo for the rubes and the spend-crazed.)

Those Hershey devils then deposite you immediately into the world’s mightiest post-ride shop. I feel like a kid in…some kind of a store! Welcome to the Choco-Store, where seemingly every Hershey’s product is available for purchase – obscure seasonal treats, a 6-pound Hershey’s bar, Ajat Pai’s gigantic Reese’s mug. (They don’t have the 50+ flavors of Japanese Kit-Kats, enraging me.) No reason to buy; anything would’ve melted before we reached the car.

There’s also the food court. I’m convinced Hersheypark’s food is wretched to make this place seem even better. And while there are a few counters serving real food, mostly they serve candy. I want Reese’s! I’m aware of how Hershey manipulated me to this point, but I don’t especially care. I get a Reese’s milkshake with additional goodies in it, overpriced to be sure but very satisfying after that abominable pizza. AJ and Josh get other ice cream flavors. With the crazy heat, this hits the spot.

None of us is interested in Chocolate World’s upcharges, so we return to Hersheypark. It’s hotter, the queues are longer, it’s unpleasant. Time for calmer, less popular rides.

The Capital BlueCross™ Monorail provides a swift, relaxing tour across much of Hersheypark. A spiel covers the same corporate agitprop we’ve been hearing all day long. Notably, the Monorail passes over ZooAmerica, Hersheypark’s zoo attraction. It makes Pablo Escobar’s zoo look good. Tiny, sun-drenched exposures holding unhappy-looking animals. The views from above were depressing enough, and none of us is interested in visiting this place.

My notes say that next we redid many of the best roller coasters – Fahrenheit, Lightning Chaser, Storm Rider. I have no particular memory of this, and I can’t figure out how we’d’ve done Fahrenheit again particularly without a gross, nasty, too-long queue. But apparently we did!

Then the Dry Gulch Railroad (Presented by Amtrak™), another of thos “one per park” full scale trains. It being Hersheypark, the track length is ½ what it should be. Just circling around Pioner Frontier, mostly, with a privileged view at the land’s one-and-only effort at Old West theming: a teepee. Oh…boy…

Then AJ did the drop towers. Josh peed. I wander into a place called “Overlook” somehow hoping for a Shining scare maze, only to find a buffeteria.

Then we do the Coal Cracker log flume. The verdict? You guessed it – too short! A few notable details to an otherwise-typical ride: The “logs” look like steel troughs. The final drop includes a small hump to create airtime, which is neat. I’m mostly nonplussed; Josh raves ecstatically.

Then we do Skyrush again, which is somehow even more thigh-crunching this time. Then we leave. It isn’t terribly late in the afternoon by this point, but we’ve more than done enough to feel sated. Not feeling the magic, wonder and specialness some attribute to Hersheypark. We compromise on dinner alongside the highway at a (Coal) Cracker Barrel.

Too bad that when AJ was planning this trip, he anticipated much worse crowds at Hershey and had us all get two-day passes. So guess where we’re going to again tomorrow?

Up next: Hersheypark Day Two

 

[HouCuseChickie]

SooperDooperLooper is a 1970s vintage Schwarzkopt looping coaster, so at least there’s some nostalgia still to be found. It mostly just meanders around the hills for a while and tosses in a single vertical loop halfway through. Compared to its contemporaries like Revolution or Corkscrew, this is lesser. The loop is hidden from the pathways, robbing the ride of iconic status. Otherwise only its name stands out, dorky as it is.

This will probably show my age, but I got a good laugh out of the SooperDooperLooper. We had just moved back to NJ shortly after it debuted... after a few years in OH (Kings Island was my first park as a little one) and GA. The SooperDooperLooper at Hershey was what everyone was talking about. We were all too young and short to ride it, but that didn't stop us from pretending we'd turn our swingset swings and teeter totters into the SooperDooperLooper.