No I totally get what you're saying, and you're absolutely right about asking kids to do their best. And of course everyone has good days and bad days...there will be days when the kid just really doesn't want to put in the effort, and that's when you remind them about their commitment and their responsibility to the team. But I didn't get the impression that that's what we were talking about at all...I don't consider that pressure to win or to be the best...that's just part of the discipline. It's the kid who is paying hundreds of dollars and the coach doesn't give the kid the opportunity to learn, but makes them feel bad because maybe they aren't the best on the team. My DS LOVED soccer....wanted to play so badly. We made him learn swimming first, because in a country where half the land is UNDER the sea level, it's a skill they need to know. He was SO excited when he got his swimming diploma because he could FINALLY play soccer. The first year, they had an AWESOME coach...this guy was soooo good at giving them tips and tricks and emphasizing that it was a TEAM sport and we have to support our TEAM...we don't get mad at someone because they made a mistake, we use that mistake and we learn from it so we don't make that mistake again. And we HELP our teammates. There was a kid who, admittedly was head and shoulders above the others...he probably should have been on the A team, but he would get frustrated when someone didn't do as well, and he'd try to take over their position. He'd be getting in the way of his own teammate trying to be the one to get the ball so he could score, because he didn't think anyone stood as much chance at scoring. He wouldn't pass to a teammate who was open even though we had a couple kids who were pretty decent at offense. The coach was constantly reminding him he didn't have to do it all on his own, that's why he had a team. The coach was just really great, and they did pretty well. They started winning so much that they put them up a level so they were playing tougher teams. He quit the next year...club politics, and this other guy took over and man...he'd SCREAM at the kids. They were 6-8 year olds and he's screaming at them. Parents started complaining. DS played in the back, IF he got to play. But the coach wouldn't ever put him in because he wasn't the best player. We were paying hundreds of dollars for him to learn to play soccer, and all he did was sit on the sidelines. So he asked to be goalie...at least he'd get to play, and no one else wanted to be goalie. But the coach spent all his time training them on how to get the ball and score, so DS wasn't getting anything out of it. Then they'd play this " game" where DS was one whole team and the rest of the kids were the other team. They all took turns kicking a penalty shot...whichever " team" missed 10 first, had to run around the field. And they'd play this over and over and over...and it was always DS doing the running while the rest of the team laughed that he had to run again, and he didn't get any instruction to make him better. The kids only had to kick 2 or 3 times, but DS had to save every single one. He'd come home exhausted and frustrated. Then they'd get to the game, and the coach would put someone else in as goalie, even though they didn't want to be, and DS got to sit on the side again. In one game, they were ahead by one point, the coach put DS in, (not as goalie) and the other team scored within 30 seconds and he pulled DS right out again, because now they were tied and he needed his GOOD players out there. DS had barely had time to get onto the field before he was pulled and it was explained to him that he wasn't good enough to play. DH made a comment once because at the end of every game, the kids all get to do a penalty kick, both teams. The other team was really good and they had a goalie who was obviously a lot older than the rest of the kids...since they are a kids club, sometimes, if one team was short players, they'd pull players from another team to fill the spots. This kid was quite a bit older, and while, for his age, he was pretty average, he stood out among the kids who were 2-3 years younger than him. And our coach made a comment when the kid saved a couple of balls, that "that shows some experience! He knows what he's doing!" and my husband said "OR it shows he's had some good training!" and our coach just grumbled "Oh....yeah". The thing is, that at that age, it SHOULDN'T be all about winning. It SHOULD be about fun, and learning...not just learning the sport, but learning about responsibility and commitment, and teamwork. This wasn't a selective team...anyone could join if they paid a couple of hundred bucks for it...you're right....anyone can kick a ball around for free. But we were paying for them to TEACH him, and the coach wasn't worried about actually coaching him because he wasn't the star player...only the star players got the instruction. And THAT is where they failed. It's different in a situation like your son, where he was given a spot on the team because of his skill, and it's not a community sport where everyone gets to play. These coaches want to say they coached the next Messi, and they put all the effort into the kid they think has the most potential to do that, and the rest of the kids pay for nothing, and are told they can't play because they aren't good enough. DS got to the point where he came home in tears every time he had practice or a game, because again, he didn't get training, again he had to sit on the side, and the only thing he got to participate in was the " game" in which he had to run laps around the field while everyone jeered at him for being the worst player. He now plays chess instead. He doesn't win every time, but at least he doesn't have to feel bad about himself for it. I guess what I'm trying to say is, there's a difference between pushing to win, and being encouraging. You don't have to put the pressure on them to win...you can still have fun without winning every game, but you also have to be understanding of the fact that not every kid is going to be a pro athelete, and that's not why they're there. Sometimes, it's ok for it to be just about fun, at least when it's the team that anyone can join. If you're in an elite team, that's somewhat different, but for kids who just joined to have fun and learn to play, it doesn't need to be about trying to be the star, and they shouldn't be made to feel bad because they aren't a natural talent. It doesn't make them less deserving of a good experience and it doesn't make learning the lessons of discipline and teamwork and sportsmanship less important for them, if that makes sense? I'm not a "everyone gets a trophy!" parent by a long shot. But I am a "Just do your best. No one can ask more of you than that" parent, and not a "your best isn't good enough" parent.
Sorry...that was really long!