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The Chit Chat Chit Chat Thread
- Thread starter The Mom
- Start date
Figgy1
Well-Known Member
93boomer
Well-Known Member
Sending warm temps up to you! We’re sunny and 80.^^^^ This but farther north
It's also COLD
Figgy1
Well-Known Member
Thank you
Sending warm temps up to you! We’re sunny and 80.
Sorry to hear that
Sending warm temps up to you! We’re sunny and 80.
rshell68
Well-Known Member
Please send rain (NOT a hurricane) our way!! We are in need down here.
TheRealSkull
Well-Known Member
I got a personal friend problem I'm looking for some advice on. Would anyone care if I posted? It's kinda long so I want to make sure I'm not intruding.
Fire away.
TheRealSkull
Well-Known Member
I had a friend who was arguably one of my best friends in college. Both of us are theatre majors and we are entering our senior year of college.
He is the master electrician for our theatre department (his scholarship) because recently he had learned how to run lights for the shows and whatnot. I am a lighting designer, like him, although I dont have as much experience. I had decided to be lighting designer for our spring show, Pericles. I knew the basics of lighting design and had ideas, but was still learning as I went. I put forth about 9-12 hours each week alongside with my schoolwork into designing the lights within about a month. I had some help from my assistant lighting designer, and my friend who was also the lead actor of the show.
I of course asked for my friend's help with the lights, but I did the bulk of the work. My assistant was there to help, but he did not know much about lights and was there as a second pair of hands, and my job was to teach him the basics of lighting design, which was a ton of fun.
The day before our paper tech, which was the day you sit down with the director and stage manager and go through each of the lighting cues, I was finishing up the lights. However, I did not know how to achieve a few effects in the show, so I asked my friend for some assistance. He came over he helped me achieve a few effects I wanted and oversaw my work and cleaned up a few areas. Which was great, because i needed a second pair of eyes to see things I couldn't.
I still stayed til about 4:30am working on the lights and got very little sleep that night. I was very tired, but still had to get to paper tech. When I got there, I told my director I was able to achieve this cue, that effect, and other things, as I was taking her and the stage manager through the cues. The whole thing seemed like a blur to me so I dont remember much from it.
Later that evening I get a text from my friend who texted, "We need to talk. At some point."
Im thinking what the heck happened?
I talk to him the next day and he had accused me of not giving him any credit for the lights during paper tech. At first I was confused, then I remembered the stage manager was his girlfriend. And then I remembered the way I worded things: "I was able to achieve this effect, and that cue," etc...
I immediately apologized and said "you're right, that shoulsnt have happened, and I am sorry." Personally, I did not want to deal with unwanted drama during tech week and just wanted to apologize right away. I was still sleep deprived at that point He seemed to somewhat be okay after that, but about two hours later he texted that we needed to have a much broader talk about the matter.
I then thought later that evening about everything. I realized that what I did was not intentional at all. In my mind, whether it came off as malicious or not, it wasn't. I had meant for what came out of my mouth: "I was able to achieve this effect," as "My lighting design was able to achieve this effect." I know deep down it is not about me, but my team. I would never intend to steal any credit away from anyone. But I was dumb and had said "I was able' instead of "My lighting design was able."
Even before this was an issue, I had realized I was giving him credit. In front of many people I always said how great of a job my team was doing, and even the faculty of my college theatre department congratulated me for giving credit to them. I even gave him credit on my bio, stating I could not have done it without him, once again, even before this was an issue. Even as recent as a few days ago, when my friend was a few feet away listening, another person came up to me and congratulated him on the lights. And I said, "thanks! It wasnt just me though. But i couldn't have done it without my team. (My friend's name) helped me oversee many things!" Afterwards that person and I had talked and I had mentioned the night my friend came to help me woth the effects. I even mentioned this to faculty.
Since he wanted to talk with me again, I thought, "man i need to bring up these points. They are crucial in getting him to understand my position. But let's continue to hear his side."
So we talked again, and he accused me of lying about something. I asked what it was, and he said it was that conversation I had when that person came up and congratulated me, where I had reminded him that it wasnt just me, but my team.
He said "you just told him I oversaw things." And I said, "And you did." And he said, "but you never mentioned the effects I helped with and the times I came in and everything else." I had to tell him. "Just because you arent in the room, doesnt mean I don't say these things about you to other people." And I did. That is 100% a fact, I did mention my friend's help many times when he wasn't in earshot. But he couldn't seem to wrap his head around it. In the end, I apologized, said I was sorry, and would try to use better terms that would highlight his achievements. The conversation ended with him saying that if I did what I had done in the real world, I would be fired.
That. That right there messed with me. I had worked so hard on the lights for that show and everyone knew it. To say I would be fired really messed with me and it made me feel like a failure.
The day after I made a trip up to the department chair's office. I dont know if i should have done this, but I talked with him about my issues with my friend and what I should do. First of all, he said I did nothing wrong and would not have been fired over a simple misunderstanding and he had heard me many times credit him even before this was an issue. His advice to me was to make a formal apology, even if I did nothing wrong.
That seemed to make sense, but something felt off about that. I had already apologized and did not need to reiterate it again. However, I wanted to make one more effort and try again. However, I did feel very hurt by him. He was putting our friendship at stake, because of wrong wording I had chosen the one time I had forgotten his name in paper tech. And just a reminder, I had to get through it fast, because I had a class within an hour of that tech, so I wasn't necessarily thinking about credit. Again, i tried to tell him this, but he did not seem to care. I was hurt by this and his lack of understanding.
I wrote him a formal apology:
"Hey man I hope all is well. I just wanted to touch base again with all that has happened. Its obvious that I hurt you and I am so sorry that I did but i need you to understand that I am really hurt too by your words and your actions. I would like to move forward from this and hope that we can be civil about this whole matter moving forward. The last thing I want is picking fights and dealing with unessecary drama within the department."
He responded back basically saying he did not want to resume his friendship with me after all that has happened.
3 months have passed since this. I recently had lunch with another friend who knows my ex-friend, stating that I needed to reach out to him and try to make things right. I don't know why, considering I have already tried that.
I have come here for advice on this matter. Should I try to reach out again, or should I just stand my ground and let this go? Also if there are any questions about this incident, I will gladly answer them.
He is the master electrician for our theatre department (his scholarship) because recently he had learned how to run lights for the shows and whatnot. I am a lighting designer, like him, although I dont have as much experience. I had decided to be lighting designer for our spring show, Pericles. I knew the basics of lighting design and had ideas, but was still learning as I went. I put forth about 9-12 hours each week alongside with my schoolwork into designing the lights within about a month. I had some help from my assistant lighting designer, and my friend who was also the lead actor of the show.
I of course asked for my friend's help with the lights, but I did the bulk of the work. My assistant was there to help, but he did not know much about lights and was there as a second pair of hands, and my job was to teach him the basics of lighting design, which was a ton of fun.
The day before our paper tech, which was the day you sit down with the director and stage manager and go through each of the lighting cues, I was finishing up the lights. However, I did not know how to achieve a few effects in the show, so I asked my friend for some assistance. He came over he helped me achieve a few effects I wanted and oversaw my work and cleaned up a few areas. Which was great, because i needed a second pair of eyes to see things I couldn't.
I still stayed til about 4:30am working on the lights and got very little sleep that night. I was very tired, but still had to get to paper tech. When I got there, I told my director I was able to achieve this cue, that effect, and other things, as I was taking her and the stage manager through the cues. The whole thing seemed like a blur to me so I dont remember much from it.
Later that evening I get a text from my friend who texted, "We need to talk. At some point."
Im thinking what the heck happened?
I talk to him the next day and he had accused me of not giving him any credit for the lights during paper tech. At first I was confused, then I remembered the stage manager was his girlfriend. And then I remembered the way I worded things: "I was able to achieve this effect, and that cue," etc...
I immediately apologized and said "you're right, that shoulsnt have happened, and I am sorry." Personally, I did not want to deal with unwanted drama during tech week and just wanted to apologize right away. I was still sleep deprived at that point He seemed to somewhat be okay after that, but about two hours later he texted that we needed to have a much broader talk about the matter.
I then thought later that evening about everything. I realized that what I did was not intentional at all. In my mind, whether it came off as malicious or not, it wasn't. I had meant for what came out of my mouth: "I was able to achieve this effect," as "My lighting design was able to achieve this effect." I know deep down it is not about me, but my team. I would never intend to steal any credit away from anyone. But I was dumb and had said "I was able' instead of "My lighting design was able."
Even before this was an issue, I had realized I was giving him credit. In front of many people I always said how great of a job my team was doing, and even the faculty of my college theatre department congratulated me for giving credit to them. I even gave him credit on my bio, stating I could not have done it without him, once again, even before this was an issue. Even as recent as a few days ago, when my friend was a few feet away listening, another person came up to me and congratulated him on the lights. And I said, "thanks! It wasnt just me though. But i couldn't have done it without my team. (My friend's name) helped me oversee many things!" Afterwards that person and I had talked and I had mentioned the night my friend came to help me woth the effects. I even mentioned this to faculty.
Since he wanted to talk with me again, I thought, "man i need to bring up these points. They are crucial in getting him to understand my position. But let's continue to hear his side."
So we talked again, and he accused me of lying about something. I asked what it was, and he said it was that conversation I had when that person came up and congratulated me, where I had reminded him that it wasnt just me, but my team.
He said "you just told him I oversaw things." And I said, "And you did." And he said, "but you never mentioned the effects I helped with and the times I came in and everything else." I had to tell him. "Just because you arent in the room, doesnt mean I don't say these things about you to other people." And I did. That is 100% a fact, I did mention my friend's help many times when he wasn't in earshot. But he couldn't seem to wrap his head around it. In the end, I apologized, said I was sorry, and would try to use better terms that would highlight his achievements. The conversation ended with him saying that if I did what I had done in the real world, I would be fired.
That. That right there messed with me. I had worked so hard on the lights for that show and everyone knew it. To say I would be fired really messed with me and it made me feel like a failure.
The day after I made a trip up to the department chair's office. I dont know if i should have done this, but I talked with him about my issues with my friend and what I should do. First of all, he said I did nothing wrong and would not have been fired over a simple misunderstanding and he had heard me many times credit him even before this was an issue. His advice to me was to make a formal apology, even if I did nothing wrong.
That seemed to make sense, but something felt off about that. I had already apologized and did not need to reiterate it again. However, I wanted to make one more effort and try again. However, I did feel very hurt by him. He was putting our friendship at stake, because of wrong wording I had chosen the one time I had forgotten his name in paper tech. And just a reminder, I had to get through it fast, because I had a class within an hour of that tech, so I wasn't necessarily thinking about credit. Again, i tried to tell him this, but he did not seem to care. I was hurt by this and his lack of understanding.
I wrote him a formal apology:
"Hey man I hope all is well. I just wanted to touch base again with all that has happened. Its obvious that I hurt you and I am so sorry that I did but i need you to understand that I am really hurt too by your words and your actions. I would like to move forward from this and hope that we can be civil about this whole matter moving forward. The last thing I want is picking fights and dealing with unessecary drama within the department."
He responded back basically saying he did not want to resume his friendship with me after all that has happened.
3 months have passed since this. I recently had lunch with another friend who knows my ex-friend, stating that I needed to reach out to him and try to make things right. I don't know why, considering I have already tried that.
I have come here for advice on this matter. Should I try to reach out again, or should I just stand my ground and let this go? Also if there are any questions about this incident, I will gladly answer them.
93boomer
Well-Known Member
Sorry to hear that
StarWarsGirl
Well-Known Member
- In the Parks
- No
Your friend is nuts. Your ultimate goal was to put on a smooth production. If lighting was your job, you ultimately get credit for it even if there were pieces of it that you asked for help with. That's part of being a team. And the fact is that you did that majority of it but asked for a few pieces from someone who had expertise, and who I assume is being credited with their part.
Your friend is also ridiculous in saying that this wouldn't fly in the real world. If anything, his behavior wouldn't fly because he seems difficult to work with and not a team-player.
He's also shown you who he is, and when people show you who they are, you should believe him. Just stay professional, but don't give into this pettiness of his. Also, don't waste more time on this friendship.
TheRealSkull
Well-Known Member
Thanks. It was the first time I saw his insecurities shown. It also didn't help that he was already getting pats on the back after every show, because he was the lead and did a good job. Which he did, I am not denying that, and he should be receiving praise for that. I just believe he took it a step too far.
His girlfriend wasn't helping either, as she has been a very toxic person to be around, first of all, by twisting my words in saying that I was being a selfish person by trying to take all the credit away. Once again, I'll reiterate, that wasn't my intention at all, and I don't understand why they can't realize this. I mean they did say it is not about what your intentions were, it's what I did, but I don't even think I did much wrong.
Thanks for your response. I appreciate it. It's been a hard thing to deal with.
StarWarsGirl
Well-Known Member
- In the Parks
- No
I leave for SC on Saturday; I don't care what it does back here for a while.
More rain for you!
Dead2009
Horror Movie Guru
I leave for SC on Saturday; I don't care what it does back here for a while.
I hope its cold the entire time youre there
