So I just woke up, first thought was how much work I have to get done by a certain time this morning. Then I remembered everything.
It's a good thing I'll be busy this morning.
Adding to the list of things I maybe shouldn't have done: About 2AM, unable to sleep, thinking about what I would say if any of them sent me a patronizing message this morning...I blocked mom, bro, & sis on facebook. I blocked bro's number on my phone. Fell asleep while deciding whether to block the other two. My sister has not been involved in this yet.
Over the last several years, my brother and my sister separately stopped talking to me for a few years at a time. It's a go-to skill learned in our house, perfected when your father leaves (they have a different father than I.) Once you learn to block out your father (and you're rewarded for it by your mother) then you can block out anyone. I learned to undo the influences of that house much sooner than my younger siblings started to. I put a lot of work, thought, and intention into not being a product of that house at a relatively young age. When they started blocking out other people along the way, I advised them that was not the way to handle things. It should be reserved for absolutely toxic people, like their father (not mine.) (When they were 12 and 14, a court ordered them to go to counseling with their estranged father. By the end of that extensive counseling, the kids were told by the professional they'd be better off forgetting they have a father, because he has a distorted sense of reality, and a productive relationship is unlikely to occur.)
Anyway, over very minor things, they each blocked me out, various Aunts, cousins, etc. It was just something they did. We were in a rotation.
I feel like it's my turn. And I feel hypocritical about that, having told them it was not appropriate. But in reality, I don't need their consistent drama and nonsense, who isn't talking with whom, mother sucking up to two of us when she's at odds with one of us. Keep that in New Jersey. More likely I will keep them blocked on facebook - they don't need to be that involved in my day to day, and I will take a phone call (except today) but I will keep my distance.
I have held back or toned down my worst thoughts. I wanted to say out loud what my mother has already known for years: Grandma is number one; you're number two. I didn't say it. I wanted to put on the card (with the flowers I sent to the funeral parlor) "Grandma, I love you more than [I love] everyone in this room put together." That's just hurtful for the sake of being hurtful. I'm good at that. It comes from being abused and only able to fight back with words. I ended up sending: "Grandma, you are the best person I have ever known. Always in my corner. Nothing but love. XOXO..."
If you're looking for it, the dig at my mother is still in there, just more subtle. (I think?) Too late now.
There are true things I can say to all three of them that would be much worse. Just gratuitously hurtful. I've made the decision to not do that.
But I can't rule out a good New Jersey f-bomb in response to any outreach this morning. So I thought it best to block the outreach. And yes, it's possible that outreach might have included a live Facetime of the service. I'd still reply with the same f-bomb. I'm damned mad.
And I really have to take a little CBD and get to work now. If I can get my order in by 9-ish, I should be able to pick it up by 10:30-ish on my way to work, and then I don't have to go back and forth to get it in the afternoon. Service is at 10, store opens at 11, second person comes in at 1. I can't cry this morning, my eyelids swell up (since about 15 years ago, I don't know why.)
Thanks for listening. Sorry if some of this was uncomfortable or TMI. I could not post this on FB but had to get it out.
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