So, how does one...

[Timmay]

…start to get over losing the love of their life? I am serious here…at 44 years old, and not experienced at this, how do you start to move on after coming to the conclusion the person you love, the one you would die for, the one you want to share the rest of your life with, is done with you and won't come out and just say it.

I have tried talking, but get no real response when we do have a conversation…I get a lot of “I don’t know” and “I don’t feel like having this discussion right now.” I guess I have no choice but to just let her go…I love her so much and want her to be happy. The last thing I want to do is bug her to death. I just know I won’t hear from her ever again.

I know a message board isn’t the place to discuss things like this, but I am in a new city, don’t know anyone and haven’t a person to talk to. I know some will laugh at me, but I know there are some good folks here that may have gone through the same thing.

 

[Monty]

…start to get over losing the love of their life? I am serious here…at 44 years old, and not experienced at this, how do you start to move on after coming to the conclusion the person you love, the one you would die for, the one you want to share the rest of your life with, is done with you and won't come out and just say it.

I have tried talking, but get no real response when we do have a conversation…I get a lot of “I don’t know” and “I don’t feel like having this discussion right now.” I guess I have no choice but to just let her go…I love her so much and want her to be happy. The last thing I want to do is bug her to death. I just know I won’t hear from her ever again.

I know a message board isn’t the place to discuss things like this, but I am in a new city, don’t know anyone and haven’t a person to talk to. I know some will laugh at me, but I know there are some good folks here that may have gone through the same thing.

Letting go is never easy, but a relationship is a two-way street. If she's not interested in trying to make it work, there's not much you can do on your own. If you honestly believe you've done what you can and haven't made headway, seek out therapy for yourself if you need it and move on with your life.

 

[Wilt Dasney]

At the end of the day, you can't depend on other people for your happiness. It's easy to type, sometimes nigh-impossible to internalize, but I really believe it. There has to be something inside you that's capable of finding joy and meaning independent of anybody else (perhaps not as MUCH as another person would provide, but enough).

People are like cats; they have their own minds, and sometimes their plans don't match yours. You can beat your head against the wall trying to change them, but in the end, all you have to show is a sore head.

On a less cliched level...I'd say you have to lay it out straight. That you're getting signals that make you think it's time for you to move on, and that you're prepared (if not eager) to do so if the lines of communication don't open.

Good luck. That probably wasn't the most encouraging piece of advice ever, but it's the best that comes to mind right now.

 

[EpcotServo]

Sorry I have no advice. (Status: Ultra-single and not looking for company anytime soon. I'm a solitude fan myself) So know I have no sage advice. I do feel for you though, I really do. *Passes you a drink and cues up "I Hope that Something Better comes Along" song from The Muppet Movie*

 

[Timmay]

and move on with your life.

Yeah...that is the hard part, isn't it. I don't know how much time I have spent just looking at the phone hoping to get a call.

At the end of the day, you can't depend on other people for your happiness. It's easy to type, sometimes nigh-impossible to internalize, but I really believe it. There has to be something inside you that's capable of finding joy and meaning independent of anybody else (perhaps not as MUCH as another person would provide, but enough).

People are like cats; they have their own minds, and sometimes their plans don't match yours. You can beat your head against the wall trying to change them, but in the end, all you have to show is a sore head.

Good luck. That probably wasn't the most encouraging piece of advice ever, but it's the best that comes to mind right now.

To some extent, I might agree. I always found happiness in making her happy...that is why I am going to let go. I still love her and leaving her alone seems to make her the happiest. I keep second guessing myself, though, thinking if I just try a little harder, she might come to her senses...:lol:
And all advice is encouraging...

Sorry I have no advice. (Status: Ultra-single and not looking for company anytime soon. I'm a solitude fan myself) So know I have no sage advice. I do feel for you though, I really do. *Passes you a drink and cues up "I Hope that Something Better comes Along" song from The Muppet Movie*

...even this.

Anyone got a straight jacket for a brain??

 

[EPCOT Explorer]

No advice, to far young to give any, but I wanted to wish you the best and I hope you find something that makes YOU happy.

 

[Mukta]

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is what I do to get over a relationship. (it won't work if you have children together.)
The first thing I do is keep busy. Stay at work longer, go to the gym daily, go see a movie, hang out with friends etc. I didn't come home until I was ready to sleep. The busier you are, the less time you will have to think about her.
Next, I completely cut them off. No phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, nothing. Every bit of contact gave me false hope that he would want me back.
Move back to your old city where you have a support system. If that isn't feasible, visit them. You will need them.
Come here and talk to us anytime. :wave:

 

[Goofy Tourist]

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is what I do to get over a relationship. (it won't work if you have children together.)
The first thing I do is keep busy. Stay at work longer, go to the gym daily, go see a movie, hang out with friends etc. I didn't come home until I was ready to sleep. The busier you are, the less time you will have to think about her.
Next, I completely cut them off. No phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, nothing. Every bit of contact gave me false hope that he would want me back.
Move back to your old city where you have a support system. If that isn't feasible, visit them. You will need them.
Come here and talk to us anytime. :wave:

I like this idea. It sounds like you don't want to lose her, but you also just don't want to be alone in a new city. Which is completely understandable, but if you are miserable with her due to a lack of communication from her...just quit contacting her and see what happens. As far as keeping busy and getting out and going to the gym, you can possibly achieve two things at once. Keeping a healthy and active life style, and possibly meeting new people there...maybe even a new female workout partner.

No matter what comes of the situation you will land on your feet and be a happier person in the end.

 

[WDWFREAK53]

Wow...Timmay...sorry to hear that bud.

I know it's too late for this first part but from my personal experience...

1. Don't put your eggs in one basket when it comes to a relationship. Relationships have a way of yanking all of your interests into them and you push your interests aside to put all of your efforts into the relationship. Then, if the horrible happens...you've lost those interests and can't get back into them because you've been away from them for so long. Keep your own life and interests going alongside your relationship...that way if it does fail, you'll always have other things to occupy your time until the next relationship comes along.

2. If you know this is over...and there is no reconciling it, then the best thing you can do is move on (and believe me, I know that it's not easy and someone on the other side of a computer monitor can say that easily). Try not to dwell on it...find things to do and let bygones be bygones. I understand that when you're in a long relationship, every aspect of your life is affected by it...so don't try and fall back on things that will remind you of the relationship. Find something that you MIGHT enjoy doing that you haven't done before so you can have a new experience that never involved your relationship. Personally, if it was me, I'd travel. Use up that vacation time and get away from it all...but don't just go lay on a beach...go out and have an active vacation. The experiences you'll have will give you something to talk about when it comes time to meet that next new person. Try to make a list of things that you could never do while in that relationship (due to your s/o not being interested, or just couldn't)...and do each of those one by one. Not only will this allow you to feel "free" and give you back that sense of "nothing can stop me" attitude...but there may be a chance that you may find someone that is also interested in the things you are and in the same boat.

3. No matter how hard it is...don't allow them to keep you on a leash when you're not in the relationship. Don't leave it as "If there's anything you need, you know you can call me." If she knows that she can call you whenever she wants, she'll never truly "miss" you. Make sure that she knows that if it's over...it's truly over and you need to move on (not that you WANT to). The only "acceptable" way of contact from her is through snail mail. I only say this because if she's truly missing you, and wants you back...she'll have to sit and think it through and then wait...until you receive it. Email, Texting, Phone Calls, etc...can be done too easily and can be done in haste.

4. Keep your spirits up!

PM me if you need to talk or anything... Good luck.

 

[DormaNesbit]

Timmay I'm sorry you are experiencing this right now. I have a family member going through the same thing, he left her and now he is marrying someone else. She is devistated and we are all trying to be there for her. She is seeing a therapist and that has been helping. I believe talking is a good first step. We are here answering you so talk to us if you want. Take care and you are in my prayers!:wave:

 

[Timmay]

Thanks to everyone...I seriously mean that. It has all been a big help. All of you are great!! I really don't mean to cry on your shoulders, but I am glad I have people to talk to. This really is the best bunch of people anywhere.

I am sure I will have some more things to say over the next few days, because they are going to be rough.

Freak...I will PM you when I get the chance.

 

[k.hunter30]

Timmay, I don't know you very well from the boards and I really don't have any good advice... but I wanted to say I wish you didn't have to go through this...

I'm only in my late 20s, yet I've known more than a handful of couples near my age who have been or are going through a divorce or a break-up of a long-term relationship. It happens too often if you ask me. Though I have also seen, as cliche as this is, people coming out of those situations one, two, even five years later with much more joy and a clearer mind of who they are and what they want out of life than they had imagined possible when the difficult situation began. I have faith that you will find this as well.

Again, I'm so sorry, and with I had better, more effective words to say...

 

[Timmay]

Timmay, I don't know you very well from the boards and I really don't have any good advice... but I wanted to say I wish you didn't have to go through this...

I'm only in my late 20s, yet I've known more than a handful of couples near my age who have been or are going through a divorce or a break-up of a long-term relationship. It happens too often if you ask me. Though I have also seen, as cliche as this is, people coming out of those situations one, two, even five years later with much more joy and a clearer mind of who they are and what they want out of life than they had imagined possible when the difficult situation began. I have faith that you will find this as well.

Again, I'm so sorry, and with I had better, more effective words to say...

Your words are more than plenty...trust me. Also the fact you found time to respond is a good feeling. I want to thank everyone here again!!

 

[disneyowf]

Hey Timmay,

I'm truly sorry for what's going on in your life. I hope it all works out for the best for you. As someone who's near your age (47 today ) I can imagine this is very difficult for you. I've been fortunate in that I've been blessed with 26 years of marriage to a wonderful lady, so it would be terrible to lose her. I would agree with some of the other thoughts (not that I'm an expert) not to push to hard, but give her some space and let her sorth things out.

Wow, hope all goes well buddy. I'll say a prayer for you.

FYI - fellow Wisconsite (for now as you say) - West Bend.

 

[kstella]

I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I've been fortunate in love as the only ones I've lost were high school romances that were short lived and best left in the past. The only words of advice I would have would sound very trite, so I'm not going to bother. Why don't you try out some of the festivals in Milwaukee? It would give you something to do and you might find others who share your interests.

 

[Timmay]

Again, thanks guys...it means a lot. I might try some of the festivals in the Milwaukee area...that might be kind of fun. What I really need to do is strap the soccer cleats back on and get out there and run my old self around...just one of the things she asked me to give up because she was afraid I might hurt myself playing with the young kids.

Anyway, I am driving my own car bak to Wisconsin first thing in the morning. That might make me feel a little better. I am going to join the fitness center at the hospital I am working at, which just happens to be across the street where I am staying.

I talked to a really good friend today for about an hour and she cheered me up quite a bit...left a couple of comments on my Myspace page too. It is good to have friends!!

 

[Wilt Dasney]

Again, thanks guys...it means a lot. I might try some of the festivals in the Milwaukee area...that might be kind of fun. What I really need to do is strap the soccer cleats back on and get out there and run my old self around...just one of the things she asked me to give up because she was afraid I might hurt myself playing with the young kids.

Anyway, I am driving my own car bak to Wisconsin first thing in the morning. That might make me feel a little better. I am going to join the fitness center at the hospital I am working at, which just happens to be across the street where I am staying.

Both of these sound good. I've found that a little exercise, combined with immersing yourself in a hobby, some community service, and taking on more at work (if you like your job) or looking for unrelated paying projects on the side (if you don't) leaves remarkably little time for moping over personal problems. Stay busy as best you can.

 

[Number_6]

Hey Timmay,

I know we haven't talked that often on here, but I do feel like the members of this board are a sort of extended family. And I'm always there for family, even if it's a distant cousin. I'm sorry for what you are going through and for how much it is obviously going to hurt you. But I will also say this: sometimes we have to have a relationship end that we though would last forever, in order to recognize when we find the one that will truly last.

I know that might sound crazy, but I've seen it happen enough times to know that it's not. The best thing to do now is exactly what others have suggested. Keep busy, stay in contact with friends and family for support(and your friends here) and just let things happen as they will. When you think you might be ready to try again with a fresh start, however long it takes, don't go crazy trying to find someone. More often than not, when you aren't looking, that's when the right person stumbles into your life.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Good luck and if you need anything, even just someone to sit and listen to you for a bit, let me know. Anything for family.

 

[DormaNesbit]

Again, thanks guys...it means a lot. I might try some of the festivals in the Milwaukee area...that might be kind of fun. What I really need to do is strap the soccer cleats back on and get out there and run my old self around...just one of the things she asked me to give up because she was afraid I might hurt myself playing with the young kids.

Anyway, I am driving my own car bak to Wisconsin first thing in the morning. That might make me feel a little better. I am going to join the fitness center at the hospital I am working at, which just happens to be across the street where I am staying.

I talked to a really good friend today for about an hour and she cheered me up quite a bit...left a couple of comments on my Myspace page too. It is good to have friends!!

Speaking as a soccer mom of three---that is a wonderful idea and most of the male coaches play in adult leagues here. I'm glad to hear a bit of happiness in your post!!:wave:

 

[kstella]

Again, thanks guys...it means a lot. I might try some of the festivals in the Milwaukee area...that might be kind of fun. What I really need to do is strap the soccer cleats back on and get out there and run my old self around...just one of the things she asked me to give up because she was afraid I might hurt myself playing with the young kids.

Anyway, I am driving my own car bak to Wisconsin first thing in the morning. That might make me feel a little better. I am going to join the fitness center at the hospital I am working at, which just happens to be across the street where I am staying.

I talked to a really good friend today for about an hour and she cheered me up quite a bit...left a couple of comments on my Myspace page too. It is good to have friends!!

Italian Fest is next weekend!