Originally posted by jaylenofan86
Ok, here are my aviation jokes! (WARNING: THIS IS VERY LONG!)
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers of Qantas lack a sense of humor. Here are some logged maintenance complaints by Qantas pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
“What's that for?” asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, “I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”
Pilot wisdom:
Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.
Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.
Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
No one has ever collided with the sky.
If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
Every one already knows the definition of a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a great landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
Helicopters can't really fly — they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.
What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.
Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at least two.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
Jet and piston engines work on the same principle: Suck and squeeze, blow and go.
The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.
What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot error.
The Greatest Lies in Aviation
We will be on time, maybe even early.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
I'm a member of the mile high club.
I'm 22, got 6,000 hours, a four year degree, and 3,000 hours in a Lear.
We shipped the part yesterday.
We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
Sure I can fly it — it has wings, doesn't it?
We'll be home by lunchtime.
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
Of course I know where we are.
Things You Don't Want to Hear on an Airplane
1. On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices...”
2. “Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”
3. “Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”
4. “Goose! Bogey at 2 O'clock ... He's hot on our tail! ... Eject! Eject!”
5. As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “... uhhhhh ... We have to go back. ... We... We... uhhhhhh ...forgot something...”
6. “Ummmmmm ... Sorry everybody ...” (silence)
7. “To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I'm sure you've noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.”
8. “Fasten your seat belts!” (Spoken in the same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.)
9. “This is your Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to... so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn't go to well.”
10. “It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie.”
11. “We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and... Damn!”
12. “Aww, I can't figure out how to turn this thing off and don't worry, that gauge is always on 'E'.”
13. “Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the front cabin.”
14. From the stewardess after placing a drink order: “Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit.”
15. “Hey, why don't you tell that new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.”
16. Thank you very much for choosing Mandarin Airlines. We're now about taking off at Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok. At your right side you can see the beautiful ocean. In front you can watch the in-flight movie. At your left side... um... please don't look at your left!
:lol:
