DisneyWorldGuru
New Member
What did the polock say to his wife when he came home with a pile of s_it in his hand?
Hey honey! Look what I almost steped in.
Hey honey! Look what I almost steped in.
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- Thread starter Maria
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jmarc63
New Member
Q: What do you get when you cross a burrow and an Onion???
A: A peice of @$$ that makes your eyes water
I got another joke for you but you have to be over 18 to view and go to this link. it may make more sense to you if you over 35 years. go to http://www.tvparty.com/g2d/newzoo01.ram
Its the funniest thing I ever heard
A: A peice of @$$ that makes your eyes water
I got another joke for you but you have to be over 18 to view and go to this link. it may make more sense to you if you over 35 years. go to http://www.tvparty.com/g2d/newzoo01.ram
Its the funniest thing I ever heard
Back to life! 
hehe :animwink:
----------------------
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved
a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class.
Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first
into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm
in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It
writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door
nail."Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
teacher asked.Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand
and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
hehe :animwink: ----------------------
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved
a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class.
Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first
into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm
in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It
writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door
nail."Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
teacher asked.Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand
and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
One day while walking down the street a highly successful
Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a
Human Resources Director make it this far and we're
not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let
me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are
going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven
and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an
eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay
in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry,we have rules... " And
with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator
and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with
and they were all cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about
old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night
went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak
and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really
nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes
and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye
as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly
gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the
harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up
and St. Peter came and got her. "So you have spent a day in hell,
and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said. The woman
replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven
has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in
Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to
Hell.
When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland
covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in
rags
and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil
came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand,"
stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course
and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great
time.
Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look
miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting
you. Today, you're staff....."
Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a
Human Resources Director make it this far and we're
not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let
me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are
going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven
and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an
eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay
in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry,we have rules... " And
with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator
and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with
and they were all cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about
old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night
went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak
and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really
nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes
and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye
as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly
gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the
harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up
and St. Peter came and got her. "So you have spent a day in hell,
and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said. The woman
replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven
has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in
Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to
Hell.
When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland
covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in
rags
and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil
came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand,"
stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course
and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great
time.
Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look
miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting
you. Today, you're staff....."
THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR AT A TATOO PARLOR
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are 2 O's in Bob, right?"
"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a
nice waving effect."
"Ooooooops!"
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are 2 O's in Bob, right?"
"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a
nice waving effect."
"Ooooooops!"
FanofDinsey1981
Active Member
good ones maria!!
hockeymom
Member
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife,"Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I
promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with
him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with
him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife.
"I wrote him a cheque."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence Of A Woman
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I
promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with
him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with
him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife.
"I wrote him a cheque."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence Of A Woman
hockeymom
Member
the parking ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about
minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break? 'He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse .
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about
minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break? 'He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse .
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
FanofDinsey1981
Active Member
HAHAHAHAHA. that would work so well here in champaign, parking spots are better than gold. and the parking people are ...bad words. great joke!
hockeymom
Member
a phone call away
a phone call away
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me she could see from the bedroom window that I had left the light on in the shed. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in our area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. I said "OK", hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
a phone call away
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me she could see from the bedroom window that I had left the light on in the shed. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in our area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. I said "OK", hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
hockeymom
Member
the cell phone
the cell phone
A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and
stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, Dear"
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, Dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats"
"Please Dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"Ok, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope
I'm not pushing it, but remember our Trip we took to Paris? Remember the Cohen's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay at during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $225,000.00 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $215,000.00"
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later
tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonite dear"
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks: "Who's
phone is this?"
the cell phone
A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and
stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, Dear"
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, Dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats"
"Please Dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"Ok, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope
I'm not pushing it, but remember our Trip we took to Paris? Remember the Cohen's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay at during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $225,000.00 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $215,000.00"
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later
tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonite dear"
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks: "Who's
phone is this?"
Re: a phone call away
LOL! I did something similar last month when the little side mirror on the car was almost stolen... the thief dropped it and left, and I couldn´t see where he ran to, so when I called the police, I told them that I had one of the cars windows broken.... they were there in a minute with two patrols to do runs around the neighborhood..
LOL! I did something similar last month when the little side mirror on the car was almost stolen... the thief dropped it and left, and I couldn´t see where he ran to, so when I called the police, I told them that I had one of the cars windows broken.... they were there in a minute with two patrols to do runs around the neighborhood..
hockeymom
Member
Re: Re: a phone call away
there's a lesson there.... DON'T mess with MARIA!!!:lol: :lol:
Originally posted by Maria
LOL! I did something similar last month when the little side mirror on the car was almost stolen... the thief dropped it and left, and I couldn´t see where he ran to, so when I called the police, I told them that I had one of the cars windows broken.... they were there in a minute with two patrols to do runs around the neighborhood..
there's a lesson there.... DON'T mess with MARIA!!!:lol: :lol:
Re: Re: Re: a phone call away
LOL! I was so mad that night! almost 2am, and I was sitting here online with you guys, and I heard the noise so I ran to the window and just saw the broken mirror... My dad didn´t want me to go out and call the police but I was like "No way! They can´t come back for the other mirror!"
:animwink:
LOL! I was so mad that night! almost 2am, and I was sitting here online with you guys, and I heard the noise so I ran to the window and just saw the broken mirror... My dad didn´t want me to go out and call the police but I was like "No way! They can´t come back for the other mirror!"
:animwink:
Quotes:
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write
with.
Marty Feldman
"I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury." Groucho
Marx
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife
you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates.
:animwink:
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write
with.
Marty Feldman
"I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury." Groucho
Marx
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife
you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates.
:animwink:
.....and another one from "The Humor Network".
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going
fine until the horse starts bucking out of control. I tried with
all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets
caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell headfirst to
the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did
not stop or even slow down.
Just as I was losing consciousness, and beginning to give up
hope, the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness
for heroes!
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going
fine until the horse starts bucking out of control. I tried with
all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets
caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell headfirst to
the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did
not stop or even slow down.
Just as I was losing consciousness, and beginning to give up
hope, the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness
for heroes!