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SpongeScott
Well-Known Member
ok, one more.....and this one is GROSS
WDWFREAK53
Well-Known Member
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only
took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The
mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter
was a good girl and would never compromise
her reputation by having s ex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and
silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit
looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course
I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a
star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they
would show up again."
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only
took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The
mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter
was a good girl and would never compromise
her reputation by having s ex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and
silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit
looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course
I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a
star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they
would show up again."
Not sure if I had posted this one before... but it´s good and I don´t think you would remember if you read it here ten pages before anyways! :animwink:
A LITTLE OLD LADY
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because
they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
Next week comes and the old lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't
know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still
silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good ! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."
A LITTLE OLD LADY
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because
they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
Next week comes and the old lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't
know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still
silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good ! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."
hockeymom
Member
Marriage Humor
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."
~ ~W.W.Renwick
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
~~Jackie Mason
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?''
And the father replied, ''I don't know son, I'm still paying.''
The Young Son says to his dad, ''Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?''
The father replied, ''That happens in every country, son.''
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think... if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."
The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
The First guy (proudly)says to his friend, "My wife's an angel!"
The Second guy answers, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."
~ ~W.W.Renwick
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
~~Jackie Mason
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?''
And the father replied, ''I don't know son, I'm still paying.''
The Young Son says to his dad, ''Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?''
The father replied, ''That happens in every country, son.''
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think... if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."
The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
The First guy (proudly)says to his friend, "My wife's an angel!"
The Second guy answers, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
SpongeScott
Well-Known Member
Why Athletes Can't Have Real Jobs
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful) Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared! nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful) Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared! nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
Just to get this thread started again:
A young blonde was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator boots in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local shops were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of boots at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any boots either!"
(sorry if I have already posted that!) One more (if you are under 15....dont read!
:
All the blanks are supposed to say a word that rhymes with "tex"
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine ______. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for ______. He said, "I'd like one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had ______ since I was nine years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for ______. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. ______ keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny - I have the same problem." One day I entered ______ into a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I planned to have ______ in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had ______ before I was married." The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please. Last night, ______ ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?" I told him I was looking for ______. My case comes up Friday.
:lol:
A young blonde was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator boots in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local shops were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of boots at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any boots either!"
(sorry if I have already posted that!) One more (if you are under 15....dont read!
:All the blanks are supposed to say a word that rhymes with "tex"
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine ______. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for ______. He said, "I'd like one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had ______ since I was nine years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for ______. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. ______ keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny - I have the same problem." One day I entered ______ into a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I planned to have ______ in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had ______ before I was married." The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please. Last night, ______ ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?" I told him I was looking for ______. My case comes up Friday.
:lol:
bamboo7
Active Member
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
:lol: ROFL!!! That's kinda weird....last night I was looking through a joke book, and that was the last joke I read
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
disney30253
Member
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other
non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say >"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.
THREE-POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself)
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number 2".
5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent.
As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, darn it, all of you just shut up!".
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
9) In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12) Come to work in army fatigues & when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
13) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
14) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other
non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say >"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.
THREE-POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself)
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number 2".
5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent.
As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, darn it, all of you just shut up!".
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
9) In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12) Come to work in army fatigues & when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
13) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
14) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
disney30253
Member
George Carlin's Facts of Life
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your
groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain,
no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots
wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no
idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out,
I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three
of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they
are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe
your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think
my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on
the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for
that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses.
Now I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library,
and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your
groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain,
no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots
wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no
idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out,
I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three
of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they
are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe
your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think
my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on
the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for
that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses.
Now I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library,
and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
WDWFREAK53
Well-Known Member
So...these Bob and Jim are working in the morgue...
One guy finds a lottery ticket in the pocket of one of the bodies.
Jim: Hey Bob, I just found a winning lottery ticket in this guy's pocket!
Bob: Lucky stiff!
One guy finds a lottery ticket in the pocket of one of the bodies.
Jim: Hey Bob, I just found a winning lottery ticket in this guy's pocket!
Bob: Lucky stiff!
wdwhoneymooner
Well-Known Member
The Ultimate Sacrifice
To show their true dedication to their respective Baseball teams 4 fans trek up Suicide Cliff: Twins fan, A's fan, Yanks fan & Red Sox fan.
Twins fan: "This is to show my loyalty to my team!"
*jumps off cliff to his death*
A's fan: ".....for my beloved A's!"
*jumps off cliff also to his death*
Sox Fan: "This fall is for all the Red Sox fans in the world!"
*nudges Yanks fan off*
To show their true dedication to their respective Baseball teams 4 fans trek up Suicide Cliff: Twins fan, A's fan, Yanks fan & Red Sox fan.
Twins fan: "This is to show my loyalty to my team!"
*jumps off cliff to his death*
A's fan: ".....for my beloved A's!"
*jumps off cliff also to his death*
Sox Fan: "This fall is for all the Red Sox fans in the world!"
*nudges Yanks fan off*
tigsmom
Well-Known Member
Originally posted by wdwhoneymooner
The Ultimate Sacrifice
To show their true dedication to their respective Baseball teams 4 fans trek up Suicide Cliff: Twins fan, A's fan, Yanks fan & Red Sox fan.
Twins fan: "This is to show my loyalty to my team!"
*jumps off cliff to his death*
A's fan: ".....for my beloved A's!"
*jumps off cliff also to his death*
Sox Fan: "This is fall all the Red Sox fans in the world!"
*nudges Yanks fan off*
**Puts Andy on my ignore list**
So...when was the last time the Sox won the series?
WDWFREAK53
Well-Known Member
Tigsmom...you look good in red! :wave:
Women´s humor
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Michigan."
And they say blondes are dumb...
------------------------
A couple is lying in bed... The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
------------------------
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make
love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.
------------------------
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came
to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple
she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
------------------------
AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
---------------------------------------------------
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Michigan."
And they say blondes are dumb...
------------------------
A couple is lying in bed... The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
------------------------
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make
love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.
------------------------
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came
to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple
she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
------------------------
AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
---------------------------------------------------
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
