Post your jokes here!

ThirdEye

New Member
Should of put a Roman Catholic Priest....So I offended less people.

A man walks into a bar and sees a little man playing a piano on the bar. After a few drinks the man asks the bar tender how he got this little man. The Bar tender tells the man about a Jeanie lamp he has that will grant you a wish. So the man rubs the lamp and wishes for a million bucks all of a sudden there is a deaning roar in the room and a million ducks fill the room. The man gets mad at the bar tender and says whats wrong with this Jeanie. The Bartende responds you dont think I asked for a 12 inch pianist do you?
 

ThirdEye

New Member
Originally posted by ThirdEye
Should of put a Roman Catholic Priest....So I offended less people.

A man walks into a bar and sees a little man playing a piano on the bar. After a few drinks the man asks the bar tender how he got this little man. The Bar tender tells the man about a Jeanie lamp he has that will grant you a wish. So the man rubs the lamp and wishes for a million bucks all of a sudden there is a deafening roar in the room and a million ducks fill the room. The man gets mad at the bar tender and says whats wrong with this Jeanie. The Bartende responds you dont think I asked for a 12 inch pianist do you?
 

ThirdEye

New Member
Heres a holiday joke

Q: Why is Easter and Alzhiemer's paitents favorite holiday?

A: They can hide their own eggs
__________________________________

Q: Who do Italians where gold chains?

A: So they know where to stop shaving
__________________________________

Q: How did Stevie WOnder feel about the cheese grater he got as a gift?

A: He thought it was the most violent books hes ever read
__________________________________

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

A: She was a woman!
_______________________________

Q: What is Snoop Dogg' favorite Weather?

A: Drizzle
_______________________________

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next rwo days wandering around with no food. He spots a Bald Eagle and kills it. At this moment a park ranger sees him and arrests him. In Court the Judge asks him why he ate it and he said he was on the verge of Starvation.

The Judge sentences him not guility, than the Judge asks him what it tastes like. ANd the man replies, "It tastes like a cross between a Condor, a whooping crane, and a spotted owl.
________________________________
 

Irrawaddy Erik

Well-Known Member
Did you hear that Mary Poppins is now a food critic?

Her first dish was Cauliflower with Cheese and scrambled eggs.
The review read 'Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!'
 

nfeagle5

Member
RESSURECTED

Pre-Paid Plan

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!
She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"

The fireman says, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."

:D :D
 

nfeagle5

Member
Bathtub Anxieties

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
 

WDWFREAK53

Well-Known Member
A frog hops into a bank and goes up to the teller.

Frog: Hello, I'd like a loan for $30,000.

The teller, Patricia Whack, tries to hold in the laughter, and explains to the frog that they don't just "give" money to people. Some form of collateral was needed.

Frog: My father is Mick Jagger.

Teller: I'm sorry, but we're going to need a little more than that.

Frog: *places little glass pink elephant on counter* I have this.

Teller: Ummm...I'm going to have to check with my manager.

So, the teller walks back to talk to the manager...and explains the situation to him. The manager takes one look at the frog and says, "Give him the money"

The teller is shocked...and says, "Are you serious?"

The manager says, "Of course...it's a knick knack Patty Whack...give the frog a loan...his old man's a Rolling Stone!"
 

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.


Note: I started to search for this thread to post, but found three more that I stopped to read first. :eek:
 

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