Post your jokes here!

Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up
and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He
stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession
crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod
and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was
touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do
after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the
police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the
officer. " I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop.
"Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy
driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking!
Look at the test they're making you do now!"

:lol: :lol:
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
I think I had posted this one before.... if so, here it goes again! :D


Subject: If you can.........


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep soundly every night.....














you are probably the family dog.
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man,
also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk
about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a
doberman.

They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local
cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with
the doberman says "Don't worry, put on these dark glasses.
We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".

So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter
comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry
sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to
take that dog outside."

"But this is my guide dog," says the man.

"A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the
waiter.

"Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide
dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are
very well mannered."

"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices
the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog
in here," he says to the other man.

"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man.

"But that dog is a chihuahua! A chihuahua isn't a guide
dog!" says the waiter.

The man exclaims "what, they gave me a chihuahua?!"
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
From the "joke of the day" :animwink:

Kneeling in the confessional, the girl said, "Bless me, Father, for I
have sinned."

"What is it, child?" the priest asked.

"I have committed the sin of vanity, Father," she replied. "Numerous
times a day, I gaze upon myself in the mirror and tell myself how
gorgeous I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "I have
good news for you, my child. That isn't a sin... it's merely a mistake."

:lol: :animwink:
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
The final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical
studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts
of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers
and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.


CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

And THAT's the final word!!!

:animwink:
 
Scooter

Scooter

Well-Known Member
A beautiful young single Mom is getting upset.

She has a beautiful garden that she has worked hard on all summer but for some reason unknown to her, her TOMATOS won't turn red.
Frustrated, she goes for a long walk. She passes a neighbors house and notices that HIS tomatos are all beautifully Red and ripened.
She see an old man in the yard and motions him over to the fence. She then says. "I don't get it..I have tomatos in MY garden but they won't turn red...why are yours so red and beautiful?"
The old man whispers to the woman..." I'm kind of embarrased to tell you this but here's what I do. Every morning and evening I come outside and EXPOSE myself to the tomato plants. Then they get all embarrased and blush and turn red. Try it with YOUR tomatos...it really works."
Two weeks later they run into each other at a grocery store and the man asks the Young Lady... " Did you do like I said?" The woman said "Yes" Then the man asked. "Well...did your tomatos turn RED?"
The woman answered...."NO...but my CUCUMBERS are HUGE!! "
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
"accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What a
powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind
him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.
He
ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw
that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared
that
tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and
the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he
tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top
of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right
paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was
ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. As a brilliant ray
of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man, a powerful
voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of
these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out
of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light. "It would be
hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these
years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light
disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man.
The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with
the gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought
both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am
truly thankful."
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group
of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting
the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood
stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So
we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie
will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched
into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you
boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when
I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend
was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest
boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
 
Woody13

Woody13

New Member
The Easy Test!

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?


All done? Check your answers below!

















1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? *Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand

What do you mean you failed? Pass this on to some other "brilliant" friends.......grin
 
jaylenofan86

jaylenofan86

New Member
Ok, here are my aviation jokes! (WARNING: THIS IS VERY LONG!)

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers of Qantas lack a sense of humor. Here are some logged maintenance complaints by Qantas pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

“What's that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

Pilot wisdom:

Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.

Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.

The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.

Every one already knows the definition of a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a great landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

Helicopters can't really fly — they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.

What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at least two.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Jet and piston engines work on the same principle: Suck and squeeze, blow and go.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot error.

The Greatest Lies in Aviation

We will be on time, maybe even early.

I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.

I'm a member of the mile high club.

I'm 22, got 6,000 hours, a four year degree, and 3,000 hours in a Lear.

We shipped the part yesterday.

We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.

Sure I can fly it — it has wings, doesn't it?

We'll be home by lunchtime.

Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.

Of course I know where we are.

Things You Don't Want to Hear on an Airplane

1. On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices...”

2. “Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”

3. “Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”

4. “Goose! Bogey at 2 O'clock ... He's hot on our tail! ... Eject! Eject!”

5. As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “... uhhhhh ... We have to go back. ... We... We... uhhhhhh ...forgot something...”

6. “Ummmmmm ... Sorry everybody ...” (silence)

7. “To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I'm sure you've noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.”

8. “Fasten your seat belts!” (Spoken in the same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.)

9. “This is your Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to... so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn't go to well.”

10. “It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie.”

11. “We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and... Damn!”

12. “Aww, I can't figure out how to turn this thing off and don't worry, that gauge is always on 'E'.”

13. “Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the front cabin.”

14. From the stewardess after placing a drink order: “Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit.”

15. “Hey, why don't you tell that new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.”

16. Thank you very much for choosing Mandarin Airlines. We're now about taking off at Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok. At your right side you can see the beautiful ocean. In front you can watch the in-flight movie. At your left side... um... please don't look at your left!
 

Register on WDWMAGIC. This sidebar will go away, and you'll see fewer ads.

Back
Top Bottom