I apologize in advance....

[tigsmom]

Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the
condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset
at the news of the sinking. So much that they declared a national
day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo.

 

[tigsmom]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though
she has had no training She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bob, the
Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thank God for heroes.

 

[Irrawaddy Erik]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie agrees to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back
at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Pattie
Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

 

[darthdarrel]

Originally posted by hmppan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie agrees to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back
at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Pattie
Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

 

[tigsmom]

Husband: Honey, when I die, will you marry again? Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude. Husband: Will you let him drive my car? Wife: Well, I think so. Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair? Wife: Maybe. Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch? Wife: Maybe. Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits? Wife: No, he is shorter.

 

[guwag]

Originally posted by tigsmom
Husband: Honey, when I die, will you marry again? Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude. Husband: Will you let him drive my car? Wife: Well, I think so. Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair? Wife: Maybe. Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch? Wife: Maybe. Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits? Wife: No, he is shorter.

Afraid I don't get the joke in this one tigsmom

EDIT - LMAO I got it :lol: :lol: I like it

I'm a bit slow today LOL

 

[tigsmom]

Originally posted by guwag
Afraid I don't get the joke in this one tigsmom

EDIT - LMAO I got it :lol: :lol: I like it

I'm a bit slow today LOL

Really? He is shorter (she has a replacement already)

 

[tigsmom]

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

 

[MouseMadness]

She's baaaaaaaaaaaack!! More email from grandma betty!! :sohappy: :lookaroun

I'm thinking I'd heard this one before, but it's too fun.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting
out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles
is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not
stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

O.K., that's enough of that BS ... The donkey later
came back, caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the crap out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbor's farms and kicked the crap out of them too for helping.

The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your a$$, it always comes back to get you!!!

 

[tigsmom]

THE
NEXT
SURVIVOR
SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance class
There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, and keep his assigned home clean,
correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
There is only one TV between them
And...there is NO REMOTE!

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily,
which they must apply themselves, either while driving or
while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings;
clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.;
make an Indian hut model with
six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker;
and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.
The last man wins .
But only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
*
*
*

If the last man does win, he can play the game
over and over again
for the next 18-25 years ... eventually earning the right to be called "Mother."

 

[Al]

A group of chess enthusiasts were waiting to check into a hotel, and were discussing their recent tournament victories in the lobby. After an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to leave.
"But why?" they protested.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

:lol:

 

[Irrawaddy Erik]

Originally posted by MouseMadness


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Originally posted by Al

A group of chess enthusiasts were waiting to check into a hotel, and were discussing their recent tournament victories in the lobby. After an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to leave.
"But why?" they protested.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Al's out. He's repeating jokes...........

It's still funny the second time around.:lookaroun

 

[WDWFREAK53]

Re: Re: I apologize in advance....

Originally posted by hmppan
Al's out. He's repeating jokes...........

It's still funny the second time around.:lookaroun

So true...this thread has gone full circle

So, did you hear about the blonde farmer that gave the heffer a quarter after he milked her?

Yeah, he heard cow tipping was fun :lookaroun

(ok, just made that one up and even I realize how incredibly bad it was...no..please...I don't even want a sympathy laugh for that one...horrible...just horrible)

 

[tigsmom]

What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia


(cow tipping is fun. )

 

[WDWFREAK53]

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work :lookaroun

 

[tigsmom]

Two cows were out in a field eating grass. One cow turns to the other cow and says, "Moooooo!" "Hey", the other cow replies.... "I was just about to say the same thing!"

 

[MouseMadness]

:lookaroun

(MM would first like to say that this was from a cousin that lives in Florida, and does not reflect the views of MM. MM does not condone throwing people or objects out of the windows of moving vehicles.)

Four guys are driving cross-country, each fom a different state: Idaho, Nebraska,Florida and New York. Shortley after the trip began, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out of the window. "What the heck are you doing? asked the man from Nebraska. We have so many of these things I'm sick of looking at them. So the guy from Nebraska starts throwing ears of corn out of the car window . The Floridian asks why and the man says they have so many ears of corn, he is sick of looking at them. Inspired, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

 

[tigsmom]

Originally posted by MouseMadness
:lookaroun

(MM would first like to say that this was from a cousin that lives in Florida, and does not reflect the views of MM. MM does not condone throwing people or objects out of the windows of moving vehicles.)

Four guys are driving cross-country, each fom a different state: Idaho, Nebraska,Florida and New York. Shortley after the trip began, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out of the window. "What the heck are you doing? asked the man from Nebraska. We have so many of these things I'm sick of looking at them. So the guy from Nebraska starts throwing ears of corn out of the car window . The Floridian asks why and the man says they have so many ears of corn, he is sick of looking at them. Inspired, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

:lol:

Why is everyone picking on us poor NY'ers?

Got to tell you though that my inlaws have a place in Bradenton...there are 10 other sets of snowbirds from town in the same section. They all get together for Sunday parties and laugh at all the snow/cold weather back here.
Its what I aspire to .

 

[Al]

Re: Re: I apologize in advance....

Originally posted by hmppan
Al's out. He's repeating jokes...........

It's still funny the second time around.:lookaroun

Oops! Thanks for pointing it out!

 

[Al]

A man who specialised in puns thought he had an outstanding chance of winning a pin contest run my his local newspaper. He sent the paper no fewer than 10 different entries in the hope that one of them might win.





Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.