Steamboat_Kevin
Well-Known Member
:lol: :lol: :lol:
-
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I apologize in advance....
- Thread starter MouseMadness
- Start date
Lil'mermaid
New Member
I have wonderful concentrati... ooooh a puppy!!!
darthdarrel
New Member
:lookaroun 
tigsmom
Well-Known Member
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to
me,
What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I
replied.
What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of
Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world" the woman says, "I'll miss you."
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your
money,"
she replied.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and
fart.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive
man?
A: A rumor
> > >_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would
grant
each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around
the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise
tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years
younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love
that fairy!
> > >
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her
gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her
daughter is
on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to
me,
What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I
replied.
What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of
Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world" the woman says, "I'll miss you."
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your
money,"
she replied.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and
fart.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive
man?
A: A rumor
> > >_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would
grant
each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around
the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise
tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years
younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love
that fairy!
> > >
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her
gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her
daughter is
on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
SpongeScott
Well-Known Member
Now those were good, especially your signature! :lol:
Irrawaddy Erik
Well-Known Member
This thread is great and look at all the pup.........
Shinny spoon.......
STRING.....
tigsmom
Well-Known Member
Subject: Church Bulletin Announcements
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight:"Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal
feel.
22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility.
25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor
would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
34. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight:"Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal
feel.
22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility.
25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor
would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
34. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
tigsmom
Well-Known Member
Damn, It's Great to Be a Man!!
Your last name never changes.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be Prime Minister or President.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ______ if someone notices your new haircut.
The underwear and socks miraculously appear in your dresser drawer.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $200.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. (Except your mother)
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He
must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45
minutes.
The outdoors is just one big urinal.
Damn, It's Great to Be a Man!!
Your last name never changes.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be Prime Minister or President.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ______ if someone notices your new haircut.
The underwear and socks miraculously appear in your dresser drawer.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $200.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. (Except your mother)
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He
must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45
minutes.
The outdoors is just one big urinal.
Damn, It's Great to Be a Man!!
Figment1986
Well-Known Member
Heack ya, this is funny...
(and gives me an idea about next years christmas shopping... hehehe)
guwag
Active Member
LMAO :lol: I loved some of those although this one created a strange mental image "26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. "
Here's one of my favourites:
We always hear 'the rules' from the female side, now here are the rules from the male side - you will note that they are all number 1s!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us about you leaving it down.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, dont expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say whatever the hell it is you want!
1. We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
1. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
1. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil.
1. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. The most ANY man can see is only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
1. What the hell is a doily?
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that - it's like camping.
