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Where in the World Isn't Bob Saget?
- Thread starter PUSH
- Start date
Songbird76
Well-Known Member
I'm missing E. We brought her to Wageningen for her Intro week on Thursday. It really reinforces how glad I am that she'll be living at home for a while...I don't know how I will handle it when she actually moves out.
SteveBrickNJ
Well-Known Member
I'm just a few years ahead of your stage in life. It was hard at first to have our daughter move out...first college and then married at age 22. Yet now 3 months after the wedding I am so used to it. Your journey may be similar. Try not to focus on it.
JenniferS
When you're the leader, you don't have to follow.
Unrelated question - what language do you speak in your home?
Songbird76
Well-Known Member
Thank you...I know it's the natural progression of things. It's just that she and I are super close. We are always doing stuff together....watching movies or shows, going for walks, shopping, crafting...it is going to be weird not having her here as much. She's living at home to start with because it's hard to find student housing and it's EXPENSIVE, so she'll live here and take the train an hour and a half each way every day...I don't know what her schedule will look like, but it WILL be harder for us to spend time together with her spending so much time commuting and me working. She's always had school within walking distance of our house, though to be fair, the last couple of years she had classes until 5pm some nights, and I don't think her university schedule will be quite as bad because they don't have to do generals at college here, only courses related to your major, so hopefully she'll be home in the evenings like she always has been. But I know SOME day, she'll move out, whether that's later this year, or it's next year, or it's after college. She won't live at home forever, and that's going to be hard.I'm just a few years ahead of your stage in life. It was hard at first to have our daughter move out...first college and then married at age 22. Yet now 3 months after the wedding I am so used to it. Your journey may be similar. Try not to focus on it.
Songbird76
Well-Known Member
A mixture of English and Dutch, but I mostly speak English and my husband mostly speaks Dutch. A prefers to speak English now, though when he was little he wouldn't speak it. If someone asked a question in English, he'd answer in Dutch. E did a dual immersion program for high school and her grammar in English is probably better than most people in the US...we aren't particularly good in the US at speaking English. Is it like that in Canada, too?? So I'd say the kids probably speak English more often than Dutch, but obviously they CAN speak either.
MinnieM123
Premium Member
So, are you and Mrs. Capybara 77 going to reinact this love scene on the bow of your cruise ship?
(P.S.: Pics, or it didn't happen.
)
Goofyernmost
Well-Known Member
My youngest daughter just became an empty nester. I know she is having trouble dealing with it. I delt with it with my oldest and my youngest. Although it bothered both of us to a degree, I think it was harder on my wife. I suggested that they focus on the future and not the past. Plan for the rest of their lives. Find a new adventure. It will never completely make it go away but one must understand that in nature when the offspring reach a certain age, the parent pushes them out of the nest because that is our job. Birth them, nurture them, love them, encourage them and when they reach a certain point accept happily that our job was to train them to take care of themselves in preparation of when we are either gone or unable. If they can make it outside of our grasp then we have done a good parenting job. We help them until we are no longer needed for that task. You have told many stories about your youth and you know that you dealt with your child very differently.
It was hard 50 years ago to afford housing and all the rest of what is required for life. We took it in steps which people seem unwilling to do anymore. We rented in a bug infested apartment. We then purchased a mobile home until my wife had finish college and our first child was born. Then we sold the mobile home and bought our first no frills home and a couple years later we were able to buy our second home where we lived until the kids were grown and married.
Ironically, that was also the point where my wife left and in reverse, in order to split up the assets, we sold the house and I bought a mobile home, this time not as a necessity, just because it was available. Ten years later I sold it for what I paid for it and moved to NC and started renting. (no bugs this time) That sounds like a downgrade but I really enjoyed my intentional downgrade that enabled me to do other things and now if something breaks I call the landlord. I figure whatever money I have left I will not be able to take with me, so why not spend it as payback for all those expensive years.
I got enough to put three inches of flood.in my garage...it cleared.up for a.while but now we have a lot of thunder & lightning, which I don't really mind as long as we don't get a half hour of heavy downpour.
I really don't want to be dealing with flooding in the middle of the night. It's bad enough having to handle.it in the afternoon.
JenniferS
When you're the leader, you don't have to follow.
2024 … the summer when the grass was still green in late August, without every having watered it even once.
Ten years ago, I gave MyBob a sprinkler system for his 50th bday, because I felt bad that he had to drag a garden hose around all the dang flower beds I dug.
This year he had the guys come and de winterize it, but didn't let them put it on the timer, he'd switch it on as necessary. It was rarely necessary. We saved a crap ton on our water bill this year.
Songbird76
Well-Known Member
I have no doubt of her being able to succeed outside the house. She can cook, she can sew, she's getting her education...she'll far outstrip me in that. I haven't really needed to "parent" her for years. She parents herself. She knows what she needs to do and she does it. We're more friends now than mother/daughter, and I know some people don't approve of taking a friendship approach with their children, but I lived the other way and I think this is so much healthier for both of us. She knows I'm here if she needs me, but she makes her own decisions and handles problems her own way. I can give her advice, but she's free to decide whether she takes it or not.
But we spend a lot of time doing things together....watching shows, taking a walk, cooking or baking. We'll turn on some music while we're in the kitchen and belt along with it...it's fun. But when she's not living at home, it will be harder to do those things. We won't have as much time together as we do now, and that's what will be hard. It's not about worrying for her. I know she has the skills to succeed and that she WILL succeed. It's just that I'll miss spending time with her. When I moved here, I said goodbye to everyone I'd ever known...I don't get to talk to friends and family back home much. And the friends I've made here are a lot different. I've made a LOT of sacrifices to live over here, and one of them is having the friends where I can go out and do stuff, like go to the movies, go out for dinner, etc. My friends here are not the kind of people to do that. We did when we were all in the Dutch language school, but now that we all have kids and such, they don't want to give up any time in the evenings or weekends to spend with friends, and unlike most of them, I work, so I can't do stuff during the week. So it's been nice having someone to spend time with....going to see the new Disney movie, or going to the market to look around, or just take a walk for some exercise and fresh air. I haven't had that in over 15 years. I hope that E will eventually find a job near here and we'll be able to spend time together even after she moves out. But it won't be as easy as it is right now, with her living at home. If that makes sense. My role in her life isn't as an authority anymore, and I haven't really needed to be that for her for a while.
Ready to start the cruise
MinnieM123
Premium Member
I can see the (ever so subtle . . . )differences in personality, just by looking at the choice of Mickey ears!!
Have a wonderful and fun cruise, you kids!!
Goofyernmost
Well-Known Member
I must have left that part out. As I have stated, I have two daughters that I care about (love) deeply, but I am closer to one than the other. Partly because circumstances gave my youngest and I a more direct relationship. My oldest was in Colorado at College and my wife was working on her Masters in Gerontology in Boston. So for two years it was just her and I at home as she finished High School. Today we are still very close but much more in a friendship way but the Father/Daughter thing is always still there, but is needed only occasionally where she will tell me her problems and I will vent some of mine.
The relationship of friendship with both of them is so much more enjoyable because the burden of parenting is no longer part of it. I just always thought of it as Phase III of parenting. First came early complete dependency on us, the second was as they developed into adults and third, interaction as they became parents and we had an experience to share. It is a wonderful time. This all happens at different rates for everyone, but there is always some sort of connection that needs to be recognized and adapted to as we form those more mutually enjoyable relationships. (i.e. friendship)
Songbird76
Well-Known Member
Yeah, it's so nice not to have that burden of parenting anymore, and I can just enjoy the person she's grown into. That's not really a stage I ever got to with my mom. My mom was one of those who didn't believe in being "friends" with your children. But there was a lot of respect missing from our relationship. She didn't really believe in my ability to handle things my own way and she didn't respect me as an adult. Even when I was 19, in college, paying for everything myself, when she came to visit, she was going through my things, looking for my checkbook and questioning how I spent money, opening my mail, listening to my voice messages while I was in the bathroom. And she refused to smoke outside when I lived in a non-smoking apartment, because "she was the mom, and moms make the rules, not the kids." It didn't bother her a bit to think that I could get evicted because of her. So I never got to be friends with my mom. She had no respect for me as a person, and she didn't think I should be allowed to make my own decisions.
I can't imagine NOT trusting E. I raised her. I know her values and I know I taught her well. She's perfectly capable of living on her own when she chooses to. Her choosing to stay at home for now is completely a financial decision that I completely respect. I chose to move out as soon as I possibly could because I wanted to be independent. My mom announced her intention of following me to college so I could live with her, and I was NOT having that. I really didn't want to be 19 and saying "I'm sorry. I can't go out to the movies because my curfew is 'when it gets dark.'" I knew living with my mom would have meant not having any freedom, so I just told her she could move, but that wouldn't make me live with her. I think of it as a huge compliment that my daughter CHOOSES to stay here. It means she feels safe, and she feels respected. She COULD go out and get an apartment, but it wouldn't offer her anything that she doesn't have at home, except for proximity to school, and she chooses financial stability over that. There may be a day where she gets burnt out traveling and decides it's worth the financial strain. But I'm very selfishly hoping that won't be for a long time, because I'd miss her company so much!
Songbird76
Well-Known Member
Have an excellent trip!!!