Well, news of the da...
After more than a week of deliberation.. mom decided to send my grandmah to a semi luxury asylum.
She is driving to her hometown with my grandmah in tow tomorrow to get her to a new care facility that is hosted by a friend of my mom.
Why?
We really cant really be sure if to believe my grandma or not.
The main problem is her mobility. Everything hurts her now or claims it does. The issue mainly is that We are not sure if she's faking for attention (she always had the victim complex to milk sympathy on her entire life) or not.
For example...Sometimes she can stand up just fine (with the cleaning lady and the food lady) .. The others she claims she can't (mostly when my mom and I are present). And refuses to get up. Hell, she even started to ask food to be delivered to her bed.
Which is an hassle for my mom.
Then She just outright refuses to stand and claims she cant. And when we try to help her.. she just throws all her weight on whoever is holding her and claims she is "falling".
Its a shore just to get her up changed to another chair or even to move her to shower/loo. We cant be 24/7 with her. Even less now that my mom has to deal with a lot of crap plus me preparing to move on with my life.
And I definitively cant carry her anymore.. she weights a ton (Probably 80 kg or more). and like I said before.. she randomly drops all the weight on whoever is supporting her. My back definitively is not on the task (specially since I have a twisted and turned spine thanks to my bone differences).
To make things worse, we do not know if she's having mental issues now or having vertigo.. because she could be just sitting there in her favourite futton. (just being set in the bed for example) and suddenly start screaming that she's falling... (she puts quite a drama when my mom is in the vicinity but doesn't say much when my aunt is around)... We just do not know why she claims she's falling when we're holding her or she's sitting or in bed.
So yeah, mom was crying earlier today because my grandmah started to try to convince her (my mom) to let her stay... :/
Worse is, my mom's family is no help.. only my aunt and my mom take care of her.. the other brothers most ignore or claim they do not have anything (f** them..) and the very few that help give very rarely and little.
So yeah, its a huge mental weight on my mom. Particulaly how my mom, aunt and my late dad were supporting my grandmah for so long.
But my aunt had enough of her antics (she still comes to help, give her food, take care of a few hours per day).
And the weight is all on my mother.. both economically, physically and mentally.
*edit* Jesus, I did a ton of writing errors in this.. fixed a few..
Cesar, I have nothing but sympathy for you, your family and your Grandma. I'm going from memory here, but, didn't you say that she was deep in her 90's? Whatever, as someone that just turned 70 and comparatively in good health, I am starting to know what aging is all about. And frankly, it sucks. Yes, we all say... well, it's better then the alternative, and I have reached the point where I say that not to far down the road, I am going to feel that the alternative is the better choice.
One goes from being strong, agile, quick thinking, dependable, independent and feeling good to weak, stiff and in constant pain of some sort, forgetful, unsure of ones usefulness, and increasingly dependent on others. I have noticed that my disposition alters with whatever my current health is. I find myself to be angry all the time, some of it from the national situation that seems to just add an additional burden to what is a feeling of physical decline and dependency. Honestly, the smallest thing will set me off in a world of anger, cursing and wishing I were no longer around.
My living will states clearly, that if it gets to a place where I become a burden and require extreme care and occupy all of my children's time, I want to be placed somewhere. I lived my life and I want them to live theirs as fully as possible, and that doesn't include going through life dragging a heavy anchor around. What I have found is as we age so much changes, that we somehow thought we were going to evade because we were so strong and so able through out our youth and middle age, are happening and there is nothing we can do about it. No matter how much Kale we eat, eventually we are going to be worm food. When young we didn't think about that, but, as we age it becomes a stronger and stronger focal point. I can even see that it is possible to be so frustrated and scared that we really start to lose the cognitive powers that we used to take for granted or if we don't lose them we no longer trust them.
Just the other day I was visiting my daughters home that is being remodeled. The showed me the upstairs and the staircase is a primitive construction staircase, no banisters and just open space. I almost felt like crying because I was in panic with the fear of falling. That strong dad that once carried her up and down massive open staircases almost had to sit on every step to get down them. I never felt so useless and helpless in my life. Aging is not for the weak, but, weakness is part of aging. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but, swallow it we must.
So, perhaps, placing your Grandma, in a place where although they may be caring and extremely good at their jobs, it is their job and only a certain degree of emotional fuel is spent in the process. I'm starting to think that old age has as much crying as infancy. Just quieter! When I was eighteen I got a job driving a delivery van for a hospital supply company. I became extremely aware that the talcum powder and diapers that I delivered to the newborn section of the hospital were the same items that I delivered to the nursing homes.
If you and your family, can feel some degree of diminished pressure and know that she is being cared for with probably more ability they any family member can have, it is best for her and it is best for you as well. When I told my daughters about my desire to be placed I got the normal, but, dad we want to be able to care for you if it is needed, it is not a burden. I said that I know and I am so very grateful that they felt that way, however, if I still have an even diminished awareness I don't want to go out feeling guilty about depriving them of the life they should be living. What I also said, is don't desert me. Visit regularly. But don't park me in a bed in what was once a living room and wait for me to die.
There was a butterfly that had just gotten itself out of a chrysalis. 
It was super crowded in there but the wait for the ride didn’t take too long. Here are pictures from what you see when you wait on line.
