So, because my current employment is being eliminated as of July 1 (I start a new job on July 11), I figured that it is a good time to go get a physical. My previous doctor retired a few years back and I've been a bit lazy about finding someone new. But I looked online on my health insurance's providers and basically picked someone out of the hat. My exam was today at 4PM. I was there for two hours!!!
This was the physical to end all physicals. I was poked and prodded, and given tests that I didn't even know existed. This was all new to me. In the past, when I went to a physical, my doctor would just take my blood pressure and then ask me some questions, and that was it.
Today, I got this:
Blood pressure test - on each arm. It was high, and I am now prescribed on a blood pressure pill. Hurray. I am officially old.
The breathe in breathe out thing with the stethoscope.
Then I was told to pull down my pants and lay down on the table and face the wall. What the?!?!?!! The next thing you know, I was violated in a way that cannot be described on a family message board. The unexpected prostate exam was not fun.
Then, the doctor said he was going to send someone in to continue the tests, including a blood draw.
WHAT????? I am so needle-phobic that I usually need a few days to work up to a blood test. Plus, I had just been violated up my freaking ***. How much can one person take???
I told him that I didn't think blood was a good idea, but he said they are very gentle in his office and left and slammed the door. What the -------??!?
So I sat there sweating for a good ten minutes and then this guy comes in with a rolling tray with all this stuff on it. He was very friendly and said that first they were going to do an EKG.
Strapped all these things all over me and did that. No problem.
Then, he did a blow into a tube test to test my lung capacity or something. I guess as the town drunk, I should be familiar with blow into a tube test, but since I do not drive, not so much. But I blew into the tube and was told I passed that one with flying colors.
Then, he said he was going to do a blood draw.
I repeated that I really needed a few days to work up to it, and didn't know this was going to happen today, but there was no talking my way out of it, and minutes later, there was the rubber tube around my arm, and the needle in my vein, and the scream right at the back of my throat. I had asked him how long it would take and he said 20 seconds. It was the longest 20 seconds of my year. Needles and me do not get along. I would make a terrible heroin addict.
So that's enough, right? Wrong!
Next, I had to get an echocardiogram, because apparently an EKG was not enough.
And finally, I don't even know what this test is called but six of what looked like blood pressure bands were placed on my legs and arms and then they did a circulation test to make sure my blood is circulating properly. (It is - the assistant showed me the results).
And that's about it.
Oh wait - I forgot - I had to pee in a cup as well.
That is the craziest physical I have ever had in my entire life. This doctor is detailed, let me tell you. And I guess that's a good thing.
Now of course I am terrified to go for my results in a month. With my luck, I am going to have 17 types of cancer, a failing heart, and it goes without saying that I am going to be told "Mr. Thomas, I'm sorry but we simply could not find your liver." I'll have to tell him that it fell out and got flushed down a toilet at the last drink around the world.
I feel just fine, so I guess its good to find out if anything wonky is going on, but after all those tests, I'm like - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Sorry. Just needed to vent. Luckily, this is right next to my apartment, so I think I was entitled to a treat today, and I had one,
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