Post your jokes here!

Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY....check out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male
was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back,
flippers, and face mask in the middle of the forest.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from
massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad
diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the
coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to
control
the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with
very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at
the
site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300
feet in the air and then airborne into smoke heaven.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
----------------
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?
--------------
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in
two places. Up to that moment, he had been
happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?
---------------
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke
loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??
------------------
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the
bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
 
Wilt Dasney

Wilt Dasney

Well-Known Member
A grocery store clerk notices a man wandering around the store a bit aimlessly and asks what he's looking for. The man replies that his wife has sent him out to buy tampons, and so the clerk directs him toward the proper aisle.

A few minutes later, the same man comes through the clerk's line with a bag of cotton balls and a spool of thread.

"Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons," says the clerk.

"That's right," the man says. "But yesterday, when I sent my wife out for cigarettes, she came back with rolling papers and a tin of chewing tobacco. If I have to roll my own, then so does she."
 
Talsonic

Talsonic

Account Suspended
The Sick Note (Why Paddy's Not at Work Today)

Dear Sir I write this note to inform you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
I write this note to tell why Paddy's not at work today

While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea
But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod.

Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.

So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below

Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground
And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all
around.

Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.
 
TinkerBell9988

TinkerBell9988

Well-Known Member
Originally posted by Alberrisford
Monica Lewinsky went into a dry cleaners, and handed the assistant a shirt.

"Could you clean this for me please?"

the assistant then said " come again"

"No" monica said "this time its red wine"

;)
Click to expand...

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

:hurl: :hurl: :hurl: :hurl: :hurl:

oh my....
 
Talsonic

Talsonic

Account Suspended
There's no accounting for taste.

The Joke of the Day!
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the heck out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.
She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the __________ willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
 
Talsonic

Talsonic

Account Suspended
Silly censors!

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the heck out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.
She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the p u s s y willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
 
A

Al

Well-Known Member
Re: Silly censors!

Originally posted by Talsonic
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the heck out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.
She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the p u s s y willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Click to expand...
:cool: :D :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: HAAA!!!!! :D :lol: :cool: :lol:
 
Luau Cove

Luau Cove

New Member
The spaniard groundkeeper presents himself to the landlord, bringing a mole in his hands. The landlord shouts frightened.
-Oh, my God! Where did you catch that horrible mole?
-In the garden, it's ruining all your crop!
-So, what are you waiting to eliminate it? Drown him, hit 'im, hang him, do whatever you want, but get rid of him.
-Okay.

A little later, the groundkeeper comes back to the landlord one more time.

-So?
-It's done.
-Done?
-I killed him.
-Are you sure?
-Completely sure!
-How did you do it? Threw him a stone?
-Worse!
-Did you drown him in the fountain?
-Worse!
-Did you hang him?!
-Worse!
-Burnt him?
-Worse!!
-But what the heck have you done with it!
-I buried the alive!!!!

-->LUAU
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
Not all blondes are dumb...

A Blonde Finally Wins
>
>A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with

>Regis Philbin.
>
>Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left...phone a
>friend. The next question is worth one million dollars if you get it
>right. If you get it wrong you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
>
>Pam: "Yes."
>
>Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is
>it:
>a) Robin,
>b) Sparrow,
>c) Cuckoo,
>d) Thrush."
>
>Pam: " I think I know who it is...but I'm not 100%. I'd like to phone a

>friend. I'd like to call Carol."
>
>Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello..."
>
>Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a
>Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer
>the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be
>Pam's..."
>
>Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

>Is it:
>a) Robin,
>b) Sparrow,
>c) Cuckoo,
>d) Thrush."
>
>Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple...it's a Cuckoo."
>
>Pam: "Are you sure?"
>
>Carol: "I'm sure."
>
>Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the
>million?"
>
>Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with c) Cuckoo".
>
>Regis:" Is that your final answer?"
>
>Pam: "Yes."
>
>Regis: "Are you confident?"
>
>Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
>
>Regis: "You said c) Cuckoo...and you're right! Congratulations, you
have
>just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
>
>To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on
the
>town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her,"
>Tell me, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build
its
>own nest?"
>
>"Oh, Pam, it was easy. Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
The things you always wanted to say.... they could apply any day here too! :D :animwink:

------------------------------------
The things you'd really like to say...


I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard
to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you see it my way.

I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

It sounds like English but I can't understand a word
you're saying.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

This isn't an office. This is hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done
 
Talsonic

Talsonic

Account Suspended
Additions to Maria's List.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're
an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?:sohappy:
 
Talsonic

Talsonic

Account Suspended
Why an Earring?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
LOL!! :lol:

This is another one I got today... Seems very "appropriate" for this community... hehehe :D :animwink:

------------------------------------

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist (true
story):

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch
dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at
maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl,
to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high speed
trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to
the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the
chicken."
 
DisneyCP2000

DisneyCP2000

Well-Known Member
Hoss DROVE OVER to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar.
This was a problem, since he needed to let his wife, Sue, know that he'd bought the bull so she could come get it with the truck—and telegrams cost a dollar per word.
Hoss thought hard for a minute. Finally he said, "All right. Here's my dollar. Go ahead and just make it this one word: Comfortable."
"How's that going to get your point across?" the clerk asked, scratching his head.
"Don't worry," Hoss said. "Sue's not the greatest reader. She'll say it real slow."
 

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