Post your jokes here!

[Maria]

Here´s another one! Come on people... who can post another joke?? :animwink:

----------------------------------------------

Some of the worst analogies ever written in high
school essays:

• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a
Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

• Her hair glistened in the rain like
nose hair after a sneeze.

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who went blind because he
looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.

• The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook
latches that used to dangle from screen doors and
would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black
dots in the center.

• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the
period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

 

[Maria]

Wow! I didn´t notice that the previous one was the number 100 post!! Yeay!!

 

[Invero]

hehe

 

[Invero]

 

[Invero]

I saw this on a T-shirt once... I want it!

 

[Invero]

:lol:

 

[The_CEO]

right........

 

[The_CEO]

Daughter's Prayer

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

 

[The_CEO]

Cross Breeding

Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosuar with a pig?




























A: Jurassic pork!

 

[The_CEO]

Blonde in a Car

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.

"No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

 

[The_CEO]

You Might Be A Redneck If... Death

You might be a redneck if anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

 

[The_CEO]

A Fisherman's Tale

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

 

[The_CEO]

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

For Mature Ppls only lol..

~ Justin...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

 

[FanofDinsey1981]

Fantasia Boi, excellent picture! hahahahaha....:lol:

 

[Legacy]

A man's father owned the worlds largest brick company. When his father died, he left his son in the will all of these bricks. And the will stated, 'You must use every brick not one more and not one less.'

So, the son built himself a house. And still had a lot of bricks left.

He then built a fence around the house, and still had a lot of bricks left.

So he build a shed, and when he finished that he had ONE brick left. And know what he did with that?






































HE THREW IT IN THE AIR!!!!!!!:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Legacy]

(read previous joke first)

There was an airplane, and on that airplane was a man with a huge cigar that he refused to put out and one of those annoying little ankle-biter dogs with the high-pitched 'yip' bark. Well, all the passagers were coughing, and the dog was raising heck and so finally the passagers decide to get rid of them. One ran by and grabbed the dog and another ran by and grabbed the cigar and they through both of them out of the plane.

A little while later they heard a 'yip, yip' coming from outside the plane. All the passagers looked outside and saw the dog flying by, and GUESS WHAT WAS IN ITS MOUTH.






















ready?......















are you sure?...........





























THE BRICK!!!!!!!:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Get it? Did you follow that? Its a riot at parties.

 

[J.E.Smith]

My scout leader used to make that brick joke...

 

[ShanenLuvsDsny]

What do you call a cat when you throw it out the car window?
.................................KITTY LITTER!!:lol: (hehehe)

 

[tigger1968]

One day Mike notices that he can't keep any weight on. He's up to eating four meals a day, but it doesn't help. Finally, he goes to the doctor. After an exam and some tests the doctor reports the results...a tapeworm. "Don't worry," says the doc, "I've got just the cure for this. Come back tommorrow and bring an apple and a lemon cookie." Mike is skeptical, but agrees. He shows up the next day, and the doc tells him, "Now drop your pants and bend over." Mike does so and without warning, the doc shoves the apple and lemon cookie up Mike's butt. Mike screams, but the doctor tells him, "Trust me, this is going to work. Come back next week and bring another apple and another lemon cookie." Next week...same thing. Mike goes through this for two more weeks, before he tells the doctor that he can't take any more. The doc tells him, "Don't worry, we're almost there. Come back next week, but this time, bring an apple and a hammer." Mike is skeptical, but agrees. When he returns the next week, the doc tells him to drop his pants and get up on the table. Mike does so, and the doc shoves the apple up his butt. "Now lie on your stomach and be still." The doc grabs the hammer and stares intently at Mike's butt. After a few minutes the tapeworm sticks his head out and says, "Hey! Where's my lemon cookie?" WHAM!

 

[kevlightyear]

The Worst of the Worst: (sorry in advance)

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?' they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


Gotta love a good pun