Post your jokes here!

[NowInc]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a
professional basketball player.

They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They
start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I wear this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my
tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

"What's that?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his drawers and on his wang, he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.

"No, No! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute."

 

[tenchu]

Originally posted by NowInc
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a
professional basketball player.

They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They
start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I wear this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my
tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

"What's that?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his drawers and on his wang, he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.

"No, No! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute."

Groan, is the word that springs to mind! :lol:

 

[NowInc]

After just having s ex, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face
and replies, "That's me before the operation."

 

[tenchu]

And i got that one yesterday. That was gonna be the next one i put up!

 

[Talsonic]

Letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting;
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind me started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window
and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a
"sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat
what that meant, he said that it was probably
a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii;
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...
why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up
in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning,
and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared;
so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign
one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

 

[FanofDinsey1981]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO
baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words, she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use
big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read? " Bobby
thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and
said,

"Winnie the ."
:lol:

 

[Invero]

 

[Invero]

 

[NowInc]

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she could live with it. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Dave, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Dave."

 

[NowInc]

Observations::

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-olds' voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying
glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Miami, FL has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 

[juan]

Originally posted by NowInc
Observations::

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-olds' voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying
glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Miami, FL has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

That was hilarious!
:lol: :lol: :lol:
I know #19 from experience

 

[tenchu]

Is number 22 a real fact?

 

[Talsonic]

"TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS:"

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I used it a while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I was thinking about using it in the future, it's mine
7. If I am doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
8. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
9. If I think it's mine, it's mine
10. If I.....Oops! I am sorry, I goofed! Instead of listing
Toddler Property Laws, I have been quoting
Michael D. Eisner's primary Business Plan!

 

[The Mom]

Originally posted by NowInc
Observations::


3. A 3-year-olds' voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.


7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.


10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.





15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.



18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.



22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

These are all absolutely true, at least in my experience!

 

[Maria]

ORGANIZATIONAL CHART

 

[Maria]

and another one...

 

[Maria]

any other joke??? :animwink:

 

[Maria]

Oh well.... have to keep this thread alive... I want to get more jokes! pleeeeease........ :animwink:

------------------------------------
If you live in the Miami area, you will get this one even more! :lol:

Spanish Translations: Certain little words who every latino knows what they mean, but not necessarily know it's pronunciation.

Berguerquín = Burger King
Makdonal = McDonald's
Equer dro = Eckerd Drugs
Disne Wol = Disney World
El queimar = K-mart
Güolmor = Walmart
Tárgue = Target
Branmar = Brands Mart store
Besbai = Best Buy store
Sebenileben = 7-Eleven convenience store
El Uindisi = Winn-Dixie Supermarket
El Públi = Publix Supermarket
La Vaquita = Farm Stores
Mastechar = Master (charge) Card
Guachinton = Washington D.C. or one dollar
Mayamibish = Miami Beach
Tonpai = Turnpike
Un picó = a pick-up truck
Transporteichón = a barely adequate automobile
Un estó = a stop sign
La Escuelita = Traffic School
Dauntaun = Downtown area
Una ueira = a waitress in a restaurant
Maico = a man or boy named Michael
Tineiyer = teenager
Un yín = a pair of jeans
Pantijó = panty hose
Yaque = a jacket or windbreaker
Pulove = a pull-over
Tiché = a T-shirt (see "pulove")
Un sú = a legal suit
Bísne = a business / business endeavor
Un partíne = a part-time job
Printear = to print; use a computer printer
Faxear = to fax
Taipear = to type
Incontás = Income Tax
Escoshtei = Scotch Tape
El teipe = tape any kind
Lonchando = having lunch
Cachú = tomato ketchup (not a sneeze)
Beico = bacon
Chicle = any kind of chewing gum (not necessarily Chiclets)
Jotdó = a hot dog
Sánguiche = a sandwich
Un pári = a party
Japiverde Puju= Happy Birthday to you
Un chou = to make a scene in public (a show)
Ví-vaporrú = Vicks Vapor Rub
Sénkiu = thank you
Liquiando = to be leaking
Embarkeichon = failure to adhere to a previous commitment or agreement
Flonquear = to fail an examination or course


(I don´t talk like that, eh?..... but I have certainly heard that in Miami!) :animwink:

 

[DisneyCP2000]

Okay, this isn’t really a joke but it sure is a funny story.

STORY 1: One night my aunt was calling her nephew to dinner. He was playing with another boy and said “Goodnight, you.” My aunt heard this and told him, “You shouldn’t call a person you, it’s not polite.” Her nephew looked confused and told her that his name was Yu (pronounced ‘you’). She was taken by surprise with that one.

STORY 2: A friend of mine was at out one day, and someone called him while he was out. His sister answered the phone and took a message. She asked the person, “Who calling?” and the person on the other side said, “Me.” She thought this person was pulling her leg and asked them, “I know who I’m talking to, but I need a name so I can tell my brother!” Well the person answered again, but this time they said, “No my name is, Mi!” She too was caught by surprise.

Now add STORY 1 + STORY 2:
Could you imagine Mi calling Yu???
Mi: Hello?
Yu: Who’s this?
Mi: It’s Mi?
Yu: Me who?
Mi: No, it’s Mi! Who am I talking with?
Yu: It’s Yu. I know I’m talking to you, so what IS your name?
Mi: You?!?!
…well could you imagine the mix up!

I guess that’s one of the interesting things about Asian names

 

[Talsonic]

Old time routines.

Who's on first?