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General Grizz
New Member
Why was the chicken dead?
Because he crossed the road!! :lol:
Because he crossed the road!! :lol:
NiCKEY NoUSE
Member
here's a Disney joke:
Why did Tigger open the toilet?
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because he was looking for Poo
(it's the fave joke of Kelly Lemieux, who's the bassist for Goldfinger)
Why did Tigger open the toilet?
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because he was looking for Poo
(it's the fave joke of Kelly Lemieux, who's the bassist for Goldfinger)
General Grizz
New Member
:lol:
Did you know .........
- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
- A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
- A shrimp's heart is in their head.
- People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you
sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
- In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years,
no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its
head in the sand (or attempted to do
so - apart from Bones ).
- It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the
sky.
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
- Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of
Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market that
consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
- In average, a human being will have ______ more than 3,000
times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
- More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or
received a telephone call.
- Rats and horses can't vomit.
- The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be
the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
- If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try
to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in
your head or neck and die. if you keep your eyes open by
force, they can pop out.
- Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could
have over million descendants.
- Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the
bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
- If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does
Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations,
implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S.
citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or
their vehicles?
- In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
- 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by
people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
- In the course of an average lifetime you will, while
sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
- Most lipstick contains fish scales.
- Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
- Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
- Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their
elbow.
- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
- A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
- A shrimp's heart is in their head.
- People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you
sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
- In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years,
no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its
head in the sand (or attempted to do
so - apart from Bones ).
- It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the
sky.
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
- Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of
Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market that
consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
- In average, a human being will have ______ more than 3,000
times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
- More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or
received a telephone call.
- Rats and horses can't vomit.
- The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be
the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
- If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try
to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in
your head or neck and die. if you keep your eyes open by
force, they can pop out.
- Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could
have over million descendants.
- Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the
bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
- If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does
Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations,
implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S.
citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or
their vehicles?
- In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
- 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by
people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
- In the course of an average lifetime you will, while
sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
- Most lipstick contains fish scales.
- Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
- Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
- Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their
elbow.
Don L Duck
New Member
Why did the man cross the road?
Cause he was stuck inside the chicken:lol:
Cause he was stuck inside the chicken:lol:
Don L Duck
New Member
These two dumb guys decide to go bear hunting.
So their driving down the road.
After a couple of miles they come to a fork in the road.
There's a sign at the fork that reads "bear left".
So they went home:lol:
So their driving down the road.
After a couple of miles they come to a fork in the road.
There's a sign at the fork that reads "bear left".
So they went home:lol:
General Grizz
New Member
- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
You mean IMPASSIBLE; Nothing's impossible!
- A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
That's probably why he doesn't eat flies!
- A shrimp's heart is in their head.
Too many people in the world have hearts to their heads!! :lol:
- It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
Politically Incorrect Big Thunder Mountain Railroads!
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Does that mean every twit is a pregnant gold fish?!
- Rats and horses can't vomit.
Darn it! I was hungry the other night...they served no help!
- Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could
have over million descendants.
Sounds like Mickey's a rat!
- Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the
bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
Oops. Oh well. 'Pete's Dragon' soundtrack is worth it!
- A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Unless you use Cool Edit Pro!
- Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
Oooh. Sounds good for an Aristocats dark ride at the MK.
- Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their
elbow.
Hehehe...:lookaroun
You mean IMPASSIBLE; Nothing's impossible!
- A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
That's probably why he doesn't eat flies!
- A shrimp's heart is in their head.
Too many people in the world have hearts to their heads!! :lol:
- It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
Politically Incorrect Big Thunder Mountain Railroads!
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Does that mean every twit is a pregnant gold fish?!
- Rats and horses can't vomit.
Darn it! I was hungry the other night...they served no help!
- Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could
have over million descendants.
Sounds like Mickey's a rat!
- Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the
bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
Oops. Oh well. 'Pete's Dragon' soundtrack is worth it!
- A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Unless you use Cool Edit Pro!
- Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
Oooh. Sounds good for an Aristocats dark ride at the MK.
- Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their
elbow.
Hehehe...:lookaroun
juan
Well-Known Member
Umm I can actually lick my elbow and have had many witnesses to it
A shrimp doesn't have a heart because like all arthropods, they have a closed system. A closed system is when there are tiny pockets in the flesh that make up all internal structures. That's why if you open one, you don't see anything. Animals with open systems have actually organs.
Picture please!!!
A shrimp doesn't have a heart because like all arthropods, they have a closed system. A closed system is when there are tiny pockets in the flesh that make up all internal structures. That's why if you open one, you don't see anything. Animals with open systems have actually organs.
Let´s get technical here....
haha :animwink:
Coronado
Member
If common sense is so common ... then why do so few of us have it.....If a mirror reverses left and right.....then why doesn't it reverse up and down.....If a frog.... oh never mind....some good jokes.....
The old guy goes to the city.... checks in to the hotel... desk person asks if he would like some company for the evening... being from the country.... he says yes... goes to the room.... a few minutes later a girl comes to the door....he opens it... she says "i'm here to give you super s.e.x.....he says "well at my age I better just have the soup":lol:
The old guy goes to the city.... checks in to the hotel... desk person asks if he would like some company for the evening... being from the country.... he says yes... goes to the room.... a few minutes later a girl comes to the door....he opens it... she says "i'm here to give you super s.e.x.....he says "well at my age I better just have the soup":lol:
OldKeyWest24
New Member
boy do i love corny jokes!
so this guy and a mushroom walk into a bar. the bartender says u can stay but the the mushroom has gotta go. The guys says to the bartender but why hes a fungi (fun guy) get it? lol
this blonde is driving to disneyworld. She sees the sgin that says Disney World left and she turened around and went home.
Jesus and and a talior are walking down a street together. The tailor goes we should open up a shop together. Jesus goes yeah sure my name can go first. the talior goes no mine will..after fighting and fighting for a long time the decided on
to have god settle it. And God calls it Lord and Tailor.
Suasn
so this guy and a mushroom walk into a bar. the bartender says u can stay but the the mushroom has gotta go. The guys says to the bartender but why hes a fungi (fun guy) get it? lol
this blonde is driving to disneyworld. She sees the sgin that says Disney World left and she turened around and went home.
Jesus and and a talior are walking down a street together. The tailor goes we should open up a shop together. Jesus goes yeah sure my name can go first. the talior goes no mine will..after fighting and fighting for a long time the decided on
to have god settle it. And God calls it Lord and Tailor.
Suasn
Castle Cake Apologist
Well-Known Member
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On: his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.
:lol:
-Jake
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On: his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.
:lol:
-Jake
Castle Cake Apologist
Well-Known Member
Any more from anybody?
ok.. here is an old one... I think I posted it a looong time ago! No offense anyone! 
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HEAVEN is when you...
Have an AMERICAN salary
Have a BRITISH home
Have CHINESE food
Have a GERMAN car
and a LATIN lover.
HELL is when you...
Have an AMERICAN car
Have a BRITISH lover
Have a CHINESE home
Have GERMAN food
and a LATIN salary.
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HEAVEN is when you...
Have an AMERICAN salary
Have a BRITISH home
Have CHINESE food
Have a GERMAN car
and a LATIN lover.
HELL is when you...
Have an AMERICAN car
Have a BRITISH lover
Have a CHINESE home
Have GERMAN food
and a LATIN salary.
A young couple got married. Both were virgins and were embarrassed about discussing s e x, so they coined a phrase to spare their blushes. instead of openly referring to it as s e x, they called it "doing the laundry".
On the first night of their honeymoon, they "did the laundry". It was so great that half an hour later the husband asked, "can we do the laundry again?"
"Im sorry honey," said his bride "but im a little tired now. tomorow , yeah?".
However in the middle of the night she woke up feeling quilty about having rejected him. she put her arm around him and said: "im sorry i pushed you away earlier. we can do the laundry again if you want."
"Thats ok," he said "it was only a small load so i did it by hand"
:lol:
On the first night of their honeymoon, they "did the laundry". It was so great that half an hour later the husband asked, "can we do the laundry again?"
"Im sorry honey," said his bride "but im a little tired now. tomorow , yeah?".
However in the middle of the night she woke up feeling quilty about having rejected him. she put her arm around him and said: "im sorry i pushed you away earlier. we can do the laundry again if you want."
"Thats ok," he said "it was only a small load so i did it by hand"
:lol:
CAPTAIN HOOK
Well-Known Member
A young woman returns home from the dentist. She proudly informs her flat mate that she is deeply in love with him.
The flat mate questions this view saying that she has only been to this dentist once and cannot form an opinion so soon.
The girl corrects her flat mate telling her that the dentist is so thoughtful and such a gentleman.
"why ?" says the flat mate
"Because he is the only man that I know who has told me to spit, not swallow":lol::lol: :lol:
The flat mate questions this view saying that she has only been to this dentist once and cannot form an opinion so soon.
The girl corrects her flat mate telling her that the dentist is so thoughtful and such a gentleman.
"why ?" says the flat mate
"Because he is the only man that I know who has told me to spit, not swallow":lol::lol: :lol:
