Post your jokes here!

Talsonic

Talsonic

Account Suspended
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem.
As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
 
FanofDinsey1981

FanofDinsey1981

Active Member
BAHAHAHAH! I am trying to be quiet so I dont wake up my roommate, but these are too funny. I am going totry to find my 50 things to do when bored at work list. it is reallllly funny.... keep the good jokes a -comin!:lol: :lol: :lol: :sohappy:
 
NowInc

NowInc

Well-Known Member
A blonde walks into the room and is wearing a "TGIF" shirt...and a man in the back says "Hey...i love that eatery!"...the blonde stops and says "what!? Its a restaurant? I thought TGIF stood for "This goes in front""

*rimshot*

...sorry to all you blondes out there ;)
 
A

Al

Well-Known Member
A flasher was about to board a plane. As the pretty flight attendant collected the boarding passes, he suddenly opened his raincoat and exposed himself to her. Without batting an eyelid, she said "I'm sorry sir, but you have to show your ticket here, not your stub".

:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
A

Al

Well-Known Member
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice?

- Because it said "concentrate".


Why did the blonde move to LA?


- It was easier to spell.


:lol:

No offence to the blondes :)
 
CAPTAIN HOOK

CAPTAIN HOOK

Well-Known Member
Why do blondes drive BMW's ?

....................................Because they can spell it.



What do you call a man with a seagull on his head ?

.....................................Cliff
 
The Mom

The Mom

Moderator
Premium Member
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he can buy him a drink.

"Why of course" comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland" replies the second man.

The first man responds:"You don't say! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland!"

"Of course" replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin" comes the reply.

"I can't believe it" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course" replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's" replies the second man. "I graduated in '72."

"This is unbelievable" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in "72, too! Let's toast Saint Mary's"

"Of course" replied the second man.

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much" replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
 
The Mom

The Mom

Moderator
Premium Member
An American soldier, serving in WWII, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!!"

THe soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window, and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up. "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a knack for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong out the window!"
 
A

Al

Well-Known Member
A man was captured by cannibals. "What", asked the cannibal cheif, licking his lips "was your job before you were captured?"

"I was a newspaper man". Came the reply
"An editor?"
"no, merely a sub-editor"
"Cheer up. Promotion awaits you. After dinner you will be editor-in-chief". :p
 
DMC-12

DMC-12

It's HarmonioUS, NOT HarmoniYOU.
Union Rules

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?”

“No,” she replied, “I’m sorry, it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00.”

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why yes sir, this IS a Union House.”

The man asked, “And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?”

“The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!!!” the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed
to a stunningly attractive blonde. “I’d like her for the night.”

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel has seniority.”
 
KBQueenWDW

KBQueenWDW

New Member
This is for Maria: It is possible to lick your elbow. Someone told me that once and I told them that nothing was impossible and I did it. I can lick my elbow!!!!!!!!
 
DMC-12

DMC-12

It's HarmonioUS, NOT HarmoniYOU.
Originally posted by KBQueenWDW
This is for Maria: It is possible to lick your elbow. Someone told me that once and I told them that nothing was impossible and I did it. I can lick my elbow!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

We need pictures to prove this....:lol:;)
 
Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
Well... I can´t lick mine! hahaha!
Can you lick the very tip of it? Or just the side of it?
I would like to see a pic! Any webcam? :D :animwink:
 
juan

juan

Well-Known Member
Originally posted by Maria
Well... I can´t lick mine! hahaha!
Can you lick the very tip of it? Or just the side of it?
I would like to see a pic! Any webcam? :D :animwink:
Click to expand...

I can lick the very tip
The next time I finish up a roll of film, I'll be sure to take some pics
 
SteveUK

SteveUK

Member
I've looked through my old e-mails and I'm struggling to find any suitable/non offensive. How about these:

Q) Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A) He sold his soul to Santa

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one

When I noticed that something was blowing out of my car vent, I wasn't too concerned, but when I looked down and saw that my clothes were completely covered with tiny writhing insect larvae, I thought, hmmm, look at that.

Yes, it was big. And ugly. And smelly. But none of that was important, because it was my big, ugly, smelly thing that I had found at the landfill and no one could take it away from me. Unless they felt like it.

Whoever coined the phrase "quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

It was really heartbreaking to see sad little Petey sitting in the sand crying his eyes out. I wanted to console him, and yet it was really his mistake to be sitting in my favorite swing.

Plenty more where they came from if anybody is interested?
 

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