That's so sad, and I'm sorry you had to grow up without a relationship with your grandparents. It's amazing to me how stubborn people can get when they don't get their way. My mom was just so used to me doing what she wanted me to do...I was the kid who didn't rebel. I didn't sneak out of the house at night, I was always on time, I was at the top of my class academically, I was involved in lots of after school activities so I didn't really have time to cause trouble, and because we were pretty poor and lived in a somewhat rich area, I was about as unpopular as it was possible to be, so she didn't have to worry about boys...no one was asking me out on dates. She got used to me being obedient and not going out or dating or doing any of the things that make parents worry. So when I went off to college and she couldn't tell me when I had to be home, or that I couldn't go out with my friends (especially boys), or interfere with my school or work schedules, I think she kind of panicked. She didn't want me to date AT ALL much less be engaged. She liked my boyfriend just fine until I told her we were engaged. So I think it was more about the loss of control. She sent me a letter once...I think it was something like 9 pages long telling me how disappointing I was to her, how she didn't understand why I waited until college to rebel, that she had been so happy she hadn't had to go through that rebellious teenager stage that most parents dealt with, and why did I have to be so difficult, couldn't I just do what she told me to do as the bible says to honor thy mother and father, etc. So I wrote back to her asking how it was possible to be disappointed in me when I wasn't doing anything wrong. I told her it could be SO much worse...I wasn't out drinking and doing drugs or being promiscuous in any way, she wasn't having to bail me out financially, I paid my own way and got good grades. And I told her it wasn't "rebelling" when you were already a legal adult. I did what she wanted when I was a minor, but now I was living on my own and it was time for me to be independent and while she was welcome to give me advice, I wasn't obligated to take it and she couldn't make demands. I told her she might not always like my decisions, but they were still mine to make.
I imagine it was very hard for her to hear that...I suppose maybe I SHOULD have rebelled a bit in high school instead of being responsible and obedient all the time...she wasn't used to me digging my feet in and saying "no" to her. I'm glad that eventually we at least somewhat made peace with each other before she passed...I'm sorry your mom didn't really get to do that.
Or should that be a smiley face?
In all seriousness my ex is an alcoholic to the point he has blackouts and doesn't remember what he says or does. (He quit AA and anger management.) His best friend is a bottle of Crown Royal and his visitation days are horrible. So yeah, there are days when I have to deal with him I'm a bundle of nerves.
