I am focusing on the Targsryens.
You can focus on Dany solely if you want, I’m not, that’s flawed IMO. Her being a Targaryen is vitally important to her character and story and everything that comes with it. It’s literally the basis to her claim to the Iron Throne. I don’t t see how that can be dismissed out of hand. After all she herself comments on “she is the blood of Valyaria” how “she is the rightful Queen” (even though she’s not) etc.
She’s in no position to demand anything let alone loyalty from Jon. By the laws of Gods and Men of Westeros she’s opposing her lawful and rightful king. If there is any bending of the knee to be done it’s Dany. She didn’t or wouldn’t because she has/had three dragons. Again, right makes might and the problems of it which Martin is commenting on with her character. Of course it would be great if Martin would finish the books so we can see how he has her end up.
Dany’s flaws become more pronounced as the seasons go on. You and I differ: You see it as shocking I don’t.
As far as the Tarlys. Imagine Samwell is there. Does that change things? After all she had no idea who he was, especially at that point. And if it does, why?
As far as fire bombing Kings Landing? Targaryens have been doing such actions since the Conquest. It’s their nature, breeding brother to sister will tend to do that. Some are actions are big dome are small. In a way Aegon The Conqueror did dome very similar things to Dorne.