Okay, so I rode it. Took me a while to write this... because I have a LOT to say.
Let me start by saying two things: One, I’ve been critical of Universal on here as of late because I have not enjoyed the direction they have taken with their recent offerings, but I am in no way a Disney fanboy that automatically craps all over anything Universal does. I fully recognize that Universal has raised the bar several times for the industry and I want them to be great and meet the standard that they have already set for themselves. Two, I tried as hard as I could to find anything positive to take away from F&F. This is all I could come up with:
- The queue is decent (though it also isn’t that hard to place a bunch of car stuff in a big warehouse). I imagine there are tons of Easter eggs to find if you have the time and are a fan of the films.
- There are two spieling roles by team members as part of a dual pre-show, a pleasant surprise in an age where spieling attractions are almost extinct.
- The double bus dispatching means this will have incredible capacity.
- They learned from complaints of the front rows on Kong - the front of the bus allows for almost full visibility through it, and the 360 screen also fills the front facing view. However, if you are in the front of the rear bus, this is less effective.
Now that that’s out of the way… this is objectively the absolute worst attraction in Orlando. I am not being hyperbolic, I thought for quite a while about this, and I genuinely cannot come up with a single attraction with less redeeming factors that pleases less people than this. Even if you include spinners or something the fan community generally agrees is bad, such as Imagination, at least you can say that children are delighted by them. This is so blatantly lazy that it insults the patrons of Universal with the definitive worst version of everything they’ve already done many times before and will be a massive slap in the face to fans of the Fast franchise hoping for a cool experience.
The only other attraction in Orlando I can think of that approaches this level of complete misfire is Antarctica: Empire of the Penguin at SeaWorld. But at least at the end of that you get to see penguins, which gives it a slight advantage over this. It was also SeaWorld’s first attempt at a dark ride/simulator hybrid, not the same company that gave us Spider-Man, Forbidden Journey, and, well, every one of their original 1990 attractions.
I held out hope that maybe, maybe they had a trick up their sleeve and would surprise us with some surprise elements that would add some merit to the most bizarre choice for a copy/paste job in theme park history. Nope. It’s like they deliberately doubled-down on the laziness and all their negative tropes to the point of parody, but no elements of satire or tongue-in-cheek humor are anywhere to be found which might have saved some face.
(SPOILERS AHEAD)
So, after departing the loading area, your bus parks in a dark room as lights whiz by on the walls outside, meant to simulate traveling down a dark tunnel. However, the bus is completely motionless and the only thing happening is exposition on the onboard screens. You’re on a party bus, on your way to… another party? But the FBI is going to raid the party and is tracking you because… reasons? In the Hollywood version, there is a “witness” onboard your tram that they have decided to protect, but here, the best I could gather is that the party and your party bus are now part of some diversion. You are told many times to “keep those cellphones off” – “because the FBI is tracking you”, and it comes across as filler dialogue and moment-breaking. The story is so simple yet they somehow managed to make it broken and convoluted. In other words, “you’re on a bus instead of a car on this car ride because shut up! That’s why!”
Then you go through the ONE physical scene in the ride, giving it the same number of sets as the Hollywood tram tour version. This scene is big, looks nice, and is obviously welcome, but nothing of note happens in it – you cruise down an alley while a handful of cars rev their engines. That’s it. I get the impression it was included just to shut people up.
Then from there on out it is the Hollywood version verbatim, only (surprisingly) not in 3D. This decision is understandable so as to not have yet another “3D glasses attraction” in the park, and is somewhat welcome, but at the same time it does make the 360 screen scene that much worse and un-immersive.
The scene where the party is busted is the cringiest scene in theme park history, both in premise and acting. People were laughing at how ridiculous the dancing partygoers look (which the front bus sees the same set of twice). If you are on the right edge of the bus, you can look up and see the screen that is creating the pepper’s ghost effect.
I do not understand Universal’s obsession with placing us on ride vehicles that stop to watch story exposition unfold on a screen or action that is not happening to us. This is the worst instance of that to date – literally everything before the high-speed chase could have and should have been in pre-shows. There are essentially four pre-shows (two in the queue and two scenes out of four on the ride), yet they all have so little to say. All the set-up provided by all of those on-ride scenes could have been condensed into the queue, allowing space for better and more appropriate scenes for the ride itself.
The reasons for the high-speed chase/escort mission even happening are unclear and muddy at best, like they knew it makes no sense, so they didn’t even bother to try to justify it. The visuals are PS3/Xbox 360 graphics level and the action is cheesy and cartoony. The edges of the 360 screen somehow seem even more visible than on Kong (I think the screen is further away from the bus?), despite that being a major complaint from Kong.
Then, as if they heard all of the complaints about Kong’s ending feeling unfinished and anticlimactic and covered their ears, there are no additional scenes after the 360 screen scene. I believe that on Kong, there needed to be one final scene after seeing Kong himself in which you regroup with “Kate” and the rest of the expedition team. Instead this was reduced to some onboard dialogue. So, to have absolutely no scene after the 360 screen scene here just makes it feel even more anticlimactic.
(END OF SPOILERS)
I just… I can’t. To think that we lost two classic attractions for this. To think of the millions of dollars that were sunk into this instead of something halfway decent. Last year I panned Fallon, however, I think that is a more effective experience than this. Fallon is more redundant than truly terrible anyway. It doesn’t present itself as a major headliner and is an effective traditional motion simulator – I just don’t like the ride video content. I believe Kong is somewhere between average and mediocre, but it feels like a masterpiece compared to this.
I've also tried to look at Fallon, Kong, and Fast from the perspective of whether or not they would be a worthy edition to a park that wasn't already full of screen rides. With Fallon I would say yes, and absolutely to Kong. This, however, is so bad and tacky that it's borderline "tourist trap" territory. I would not be surprised if it is closed and re-worked into something more respectable because as is, I believe it actually brings down the resort worse than having no new attraction at all.
I feel bad for the team members working this attraction, who were trying their hardest to smile and be cheerful and play up the story to a sea of scathing negative comments. Kudos to them.
Universal, we all know you can do better than this. Please let the rumors be true that this is the last of these no-effort screen rides!