working out for Disney

[HouCuseChickie]

Wow.....grandma doesn't sound very organized. Why the sudden change in venue? Were the girls just going in a group or did they have dates to consider, too? I guess the most important thing is, did K have fun? That's what matters in the long run. E has a friend who sounds kind of like the grandma...she will come up with an idea and demand that everyone go along with it, but then it always falls through. One year, they planned to camp out at this one girls house for the first week of Summer vacation. She had a tent they could use, and the other girl lived out of town and has a farm with no near neighbors, so they could be loud and not bother anyone, esecially in the tent, etc. Then suddenly she was like "Well, I can't camp for the whole week, but we can probably do a few days." and then it was "Oh, no, I'll drop by, but I can't spend the night....do you guys have another tent you can use?" so they never got to do it. And she said they should all go dress shopping for their Dual Immersion graduation ceremony, but then had something every weekend so she couldn't go. She just doesn't set aside the time for the plans, then makes other plans for that same time, and it falls through.

So was photographer mom an actual photographer? The whole thing just sounds strange. Hopefully K had a good time and won't remember the snaffus.

The grandma has been a concern since I first met them. All of her adult kids are a mess and she has custody of the minor grandchildren because her adult kids are unfit. She really made my list with a bday party she threw in 2018. It was at one of these places with indoor laser tag, ropes courses, video games, bowling, etc. and the guests get cards with money and credits that entitle them to certain activities. Grandma didn't order enough of these cards for all of the kids who were invited and rsvp'd yes. I've been there...it happens, but as host, you buy whatever on the spot so that your guest doesn't get left out of the fun because of your errors. Nope...Grandma told K she was sorry and just didn't have enough for her, but that she could sit at the table and wait for the other kids to finish up having fun. Everything grandma touches is like this. She messed up the girls' trip to a haunted house and then after K managed her way in with the backup plan we sent along, grandma made fun of her for being scared and sided with her granddaughter being crazy rude about it (other girls were fine). More recently, she lied about rides home from an event and put me in a bind having to get K when it was supposed to be her job...and then she tried to drag K along to a party that she forgot to book, and then tried taking her to another place and wanted to forge my signature for the liability waiver. So, I knew she'd screw up hoco.

The photographer was the mom of the girl who was adopted from Africa and having all kinds of issues. She is supposedly published, but I can never get a straight story out of her about anything...including the camera stuff on Saturday. I know cameras and lenses are really expensive when you start getting into the good stuff, but when you say you're a pro, I don't expect to be the one showing up with gear. K had a blast, so my efforts helped make it a successful night for her.

 

[HouCuseChickie]

We did pretzel making at a girl scout thing! That was fun....we also learned to milk a cow. Our field trips were not usually that exciting...we visited the hospital one year....and I remember going to the police station once...mostly we just went to the Planetarium each year. There were these brothers who were both into science....they were very Bill Nye the Science Guy types. One taught science at one of the junior highs, and they had a planetarium there. He trained his students to run the show. His brother opened up a science museum called the Adventurarium. I think I was a senior when it opened and we went there. That one was really cool. They had giant bubble wand things where you could stand inside and pull the wand up with a rope so you were actually inside the bubble. They had one of those light walls where you stand against the wall, these lights flash, and your sillhouette stays on the wall. They had this mirror station where 2 people could sit and it would blend your features so you could see how genetics takes features of 2 different people. There was a scent station with a bunch of bottles with like orange peels, or vinegar, or perfume, or whatever, but you couldn't see what was in each one. You had to smell it and then guess what scent it was. Where I grew up, it was a really new place....my grandfather had homesteaded there and was one of the first, back in like 1920. And the town I grew up in was REALLY new...they didn't even have a high school yet when I was in kindergarten. They were still building it. So there's not much in terms of historical significance in that area. The Oregon Trail route is a couple of hours drive, as is Independence Rock. So our fieldtrips were to local businesses, like the coal mine or the Bison ranch, or to the stuff in the next town over like the hospital or jail or the planetarium. All the historical places I got to go to were places my mom took us, and I don't think many of my classmates ever got to do those things.

I read that international travel will open up in November for vaccinated people, but you also need a negative test. But our cases are on the rise again and we had a record number of people since April admitted to the hospital last week. They scrapped distancing and masks a few weeks ago, shortly after school started again. Not a very good move, I don't think, so now we're seeing a rapid increase in cases. I don't know if that will mean we'll be an exception or not...we were one of the few countries NOT allowed to travel within the EU at first, and they blackballed us again in July when our cases increased so much. So who knows. Maybe since it's only vaccinated people who will be allowed to fly, they will allow us, even if the cases are high in the Netherlands.

E is pretty girly...she likes dresses and things, but she's also very nerdy and wants to wear the t-shirts that are generally considered "for boys" because they don't expect girls to like science and math. Like the Nasa shirts....she has 3, but they are all mens, so they aren't cut for women. Not that women's clothing is cut for E...she's like her mom and there's not enough room in the chest area of most shirts and dresses, so she has to buy a size or 2 up and then it's just baggy in the waist. She has a heck of a time finding things that fit her well. But especially when she has to buy stuff from the mens section because they don't have the "nerdy" stuff in the women's section.

That's so sad that your family won't even visit when they are near your parents! I have some family like that, too. My best friend came to Paris and we booked a long weekend in Paris just so I could go see her. It's an 8 hour drive or something, but I wasn't letting her come all the way to Europe and we NOT get to spend time together! Does this aunt not get along with your parents or something? They must have been so hurt to hear her say that.

I think this is the place we used to go for the pretzels. I think we used to use actual dough and bake ours, because I remember eating a horribly twisted pretzel. https://juliussturgis.com/ The science stuff reminds me of this museum we sometimes visited... https://www.fi.edu/ They also used to take us to this store full of fun science stuff. Most was expensive, but we could play with everything on the floor... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmund_Scientific_Corporation

How challenging is it to get tested over there? We have testing options all over, so it's usually not a major concern...even with cases being through the roof. I guess just have to wait and see if they put any blockers in for certain countries.

Sam normally likes sporty and skulls, but she sometimes likes girly stuff like ripped jeans, crazy things like Hawaiian shirts, and every now and then, she loves something pink or pastels. Kendall is really casual...athletic shorts, girly graphic tees, leggings, trendy sneakers, fun jewelry, etc.

This aunt has since passed away, but it was the first time my mom realized things weren't as rosy with her as she thought them to be. Growing up, we had all kinds of big family gatherings and I assumed we were one big happy family. In adulthood, I've learned how things really are. It really surprised me as well with this aunt. She was my maternal grandmother's younger sister, they spoke nearly every day, we visited them quite regularly when I was a kid, and were with them for major and minor family events and holidays...and sometimes- just because. When we lived in NJ, I probably saw this aunt at least 30-40x per year. I remember many time where we'd just go over for lunch or for my mom to pick up something. Same thing with my mom's sister...it wasn't until I was an adult that I learned that things weren't always copasetic. But yea...it was all pretty hurtful.

 

[Songbird76]

The grandma has been a concern since I first met them. All of her adult kids are a mess and she has custody of the minor grandchildren because her adult kids are unfit. She really made my list with a bday party she threw in 2018. It was at one of these places with indoor laser tag, ropes courses, video games, bowling, etc. and the guests get cards with money and credits that entitle them to certain activities. Grandma didn't order enough of these cards for all of the kids who were invited and rsvp'd yes. I've been there...it happens, but as host, you buy whatever on the spot so that your guest doesn't get left out of the fun because of your errors. Nope...Grandma told K she was sorry and just didn't have enough for her, but that she could sit at the table and wait for the other kids to finish up having fun. Everything grandma touches is like this. She messed up the girls' trip to a haunted house and then after K managed her way in with the backup plan we sent along, grandma made fun of her for being scared and sided with her granddaughter being crazy rude about it (other girls were fine). More recently, she lied about rides home from an event and put me in a bind having to get K when it was supposed to be her job...and then she tried to drag K along to a party that she forgot to book, and then tried taking her to another place and wanted to forge my signature for the liability waiver. So, I knew she'd screw up hoco.

The photographer was the mom of the girl who was adopted from Africa and having all kinds of issues. She is supposedly published, but I can never get a straight story out of her about anything...including the camera stuff on Saturday. I know cameras and lenses are really expensive when you start getting into the good stuff, but when you say you're a pro, I don't expect to be the one showing up with gear. K had a blast, so my efforts helped make it a successful night for her.

Wow....how can you not get enough of the cards for the number of kids invited who said they were coming? That's what an RSVP is for. It sounds like maybe some people didn't RSVP and rather than give the cards to those who did, she just gave them out randomly? There was a kids run here one year and A signed up in advance like you were supposed to. So they ordered medals for all the kids who had signed up and gotten sponsorship, etc. Then on the day of the run, people showed up who hadn't signed up in advanced....like, they just saw the crowd of people and went to see what was going on and decided to join. Which would be fine, except they handed out the medals as the kids crossed the finish line and didn't check to see who had pre-registered and who hadn't. By the time A crossed the finish line, the medals were gone. Then they found another stash somewhere, and instead of giving them to the kids who had already crossed but hadn't gotten a medal, or looking to see who registered, they gave them to the next kids crossing the finish. So A didn't get a medal. They sent one a couple of weeks later, but it was different and obviously a cheaper rushed version. It was just really poor planning and organization. They should have planned for some extras, and they should have made sure that if there weren't enough that they gave the pre-registered kids their stuff first. That's what it sounds like with Grandma....she guesstimates how much she'll need and doesn't actually make sure it's correct and figures they'll deal with it when the time comes. I'm sorry K is always the one getting left out. Has anyone else had similar problems with this family?

If the photographer is published, it should be easy enough to find her work, though these days, you can just be lucky and have a picture that you submit to some contest and that's considered "being published". Perhaps her "being published" is not completely the whole story? But it sounds like you were expecting something to happen, so good for you!

 

[Figgy1]

Getting my steps in while doing chores was painful so today I'm going to try and follow doctor's orders and do nothing

 

[MinnieM123]

Getting my steps in while doing chores was painful so today I'm going to try and follow doctor's orders and do nothing

Finally! You listened to your doctor's advice!

 

[Songbird76]

I think this is the place we used to go for the pretzels. I think we used to use actual dough and bake ours, because I remember eating a horribly twisted pretzel. https://juliussturgis.com/ The science stuff reminds me of this museum we sometimes visited... https://www.fi.edu/ They also used to take us to this store full of fun science stuff. Most was expensive, but we could play with everything on the floor... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmund_Scientific_Corporation

How challenging is it to get tested over there? We have testing options all over, so it's usually not a major concern...even with cases being through the roof. I guess just have to wait and see if they put any blockers in for certain countries.

Sam normally likes sporty and skulls, but she sometimes likes girly stuff like ripped jeans, crazy things like Hawaiian shirts, and every now and then, she loves something pink or pastels. Kendall is really casual...athletic shorts, girly graphic tees, leggings, trendy sneakers, fun jewelry, etc.

This aunt has since passed away, but it was the first time my mom realized things weren't as rosy with her as she thought them to be. Growing up, we had all kinds of big family gatherings and I assumed we were one big happy family. In adulthood, I've learned how things really are. It really surprised me as well with this aunt. She was my maternal grandmother's younger sister, they spoke nearly every day, we visited them quite regularly when I was a kid, and were with them for major and minor family events and holidays...and sometimes- just because. When we lived in NJ, I probably saw this aunt at least 30-40x per year. I remember many time where we'd just go over for lunch or for my mom to pick up something. Same thing with my mom's sister...it wasn't until I was an adult that I learned that things weren't always copasetic. But yea...it was all pretty hurtful.

Testing....it depends. If you are sick, you can just call or make an appointment online, but there aren't test locations everywhere. Last week when I had a sore throat and stuffy nose, I wanted to get tested, but my husband had something for work that he couldn't re-schedule, so I had to put in that I could ride my bike or walk. But the nearest test location was in a different town. Every time my daughter has been tested, it's 20-30 miles away. And that's for when you actually have symptoms. You can't book a test just because you want to travel or something. You have to either have symptoms, or you have to have a referral number because you've had contact with someone who tested positive. If you need a test to travel, that has to be done somewhere else and you have to pay for that one. They had a rule that there had to be testing locations within 20 miles, no matter where you lived, so people wouldn't have to travel far to get tested. A couple of weeks ago, they changed that rule, so now there's not a single testing location anywhere near me. But I don't know if that's just for the quick test for travel documents, or if it's also for the PCR test that is for when you already have symptoms.

I think that's pretty common among families, and deaths in families bring out the worst in some people. My brother is extremely manipulative and tried his best to get a larger share of mom's estate when she passed. And like you, I found out about all sorts of rivalries among my mom's family when I grew up...and my dad's...I didn't even know I HAD cousins until my uncle died and they all came for the funeral. I had no idea he'd had kids. They were all grown and had kids my age....I'd never met them. It's sad that it happens that way. But now I have more contact with the cousins, which is really nice. I'm sad I missed out on that because my dad and his siblings held so much resentment. My aunt apologized to me because she realized years later that she had treated my mother terribly. My mom had tried to help in going through my grandpa's house and my aunt said my mom shouldn't be there because she was just trying to get her hands on his stuff. She thought her brother's were trying to cheat her, and my dad was trying to use my mom to steal stuff without them knowing. She realized later that that wasn't true and she felt really bad and my mom had already passed, so she couldn't apologize to mom, so she apologized to me instead. Family dynamics are just so sensitive. I'm sorry it was so hurtful to your mom, and probably to you, too, not understanding why your aunt wouldn't want to visit.

 

[HouCuseChickie]

Wow....how can you not get enough of the cards for the number of kids invited who said they were coming? That's what an RSVP is for. It sounds like maybe some people didn't RSVP and rather than give the cards to those who did, she just gave them out randomly? There was a kids run here one year and A signed up in advance like you were supposed to. So they ordered medals for all the kids who had signed up and gotten sponsorship, etc. Then on the day of the run, people showed up who hadn't signed up in advanced....like, they just saw the crowd of people and went to see what was going on and decided to join. Which would be fine, except they handed out the medals as the kids crossed the finish line and didn't check to see who had pre-registered and who hadn't. By the time A crossed the finish line, the medals were gone. Then they found another stash somewhere, and instead of giving them to the kids who had already crossed but hadn't gotten a medal, or looking to see who registered, they gave them to the next kids crossing the finish. So A didn't get a medal. They sent one a couple of weeks later, but it was different and obviously a cheaper rushed version. It was just really poor planning and organization. They should have planned for some extras, and they should have made sure that if there weren't enough that they gave the pre-registered kids their stuff first. That's what it sounds like with Grandma....she guesstimates how much she'll need and doesn't actually make sure it's correct and figures they'll deal with it when the time comes. I'm sorry K is always the one getting left out. Has anyone else had similar problems with this family?

If the photographer is published, it should be easy enough to find her work, though these days, you can just be lucky and have a picture that you submit to some contest and that's considered "being published". Perhaps her "being published" is not completely the whole story? But it sounds like you were expecting something to happen, so good for you!

Grandma tried blaming the facility for shorting her. I asked her why she didn't get them to make good on it, but she gave me some bizarre excuse. It's been a few years, so the details are now a bit fuzzy, but none of it made sense and Kendall still got shafted. Grandma isn't organized enough to get people to RSVP. Heck, a few weeks ago, she messed up a 5 yr old cousin's party because she just expected to show up and have a party. The place she picked was closed. She just kind of does things last minute with minimal planning, at best, and just hopes it comes together. For homecoming, she forgot to tell the mom of her daughter's date that she'd changed restaurants. So, this other woman sat at the wrong place and pushed our timeline back because grandma also doesn't communicate very well. Kendall gets mad when I don't want her hanging out with the granddaughter, but if I can't be in control of the details, I can't trust anything to be what I agreed to should I say yes.

Oh, I doubt it's the whole story with that mom either. Nothing she does makes much sense to me either. I don't know exactly what her regular writing and photography involves, but a professional photographer doesn't show up to a photoshoot without a battery. Yesterday, in the middle of the workday, she texted me asking if I know how to jump start a car. No wasn't enough. She asked if my husband could and I had to tell her he was working until 6. She started going into a panic because she needed to get the girl to a church thing by 6. I asked if she had AAA or had some sort of assistance tied into her insurance...since most people with older cars have something. Turns out she did have something like that. She figured she'd ask all of her neighbors and parents of kid's friends first. I know these places can take an hour or two to arrive, but if she's texting me at 3...she could easily have her problem fixed before 6. Or what about contacting someone in the church group? Or Uber/Lyft?

 

[Songbird76]

Grandma tried blaming the facility for shorting her. I asked her why she didn't get them to make good on it, but she gave me some bizarre excuse. It's been a few years, so the details are now a bit fuzzy, but none of it made sense and Kendall still got shafted. Grandma isn't organized enough to get people to RSVP. Heck, a few weeks ago, she messed up a 5 yr old cousin's party because she just expected to show up and have a party. The place she picked was closed. She just kind of does things last minute with minimal planning, at best, and just hopes it comes together. For homecoming, she forgot to tell the mom of her daughter's date that she'd changed restaurants. So, this other woman sat at the wrong place and pushed our timeline back because grandma also doesn't communicate very well. Kendall gets mad when I don't want her hanging out with the granddaughter, but if I can't be in control of the details, I can't trust anything to be what I agreed to should I say yes.

Oh, I doubt it's the whole story with that mom either. Nothing she does makes much sense to me either. I don't know exactly what her regular writing and photography involves, but a professional photographer doesn't show up to a photoshoot without a battery. Yesterday, in the middle of the workday, she texted me asking if I know how to jump start a car. No wasn't enough. She asked if my husband could and I had to tell her he was working until 6. She started going into a panic because she needed to get the girl to a church thing by 6. I asked if she had AAA or had some sort of assistance tied into her insurance...since most people with older cars have something. Turns out she did have something like that. She figured she'd ask all of her neighbors and parents of kid's friends first. I know these places can take an hour or two to arrive, but if she's texting me at 3...she could easily have her problem fixed before 6. Or what about contacting someone in the church group? Or Uber/Lyft?

Well to be honest, though, that involves common sense, which isn't very common anymore. I'm really lucky that most of E's friends are pretty reliable...most of them are a lot like her. She has one friend who is sweet as can be, but she's just really flaky. She tries hard, but she just doesn't think on her feet. Then the one friend who is unreliable, but E knows that about her and actually takes it on herself to try to organize things so they don't have to rely on whatever this girl planned. This girl is also a last minute person who expects everyone to be available on demand. Anything she plans in advance, she ends up forgetting and making other plans. The flaky friend ended up redoing last year of school. She passed, but just barely, and it was the 2nd year in a row, so she just decided it would be better for her to redo the year and get the foundation she really needs in order to move on....a very mature decision on her part! They all promised her she wouldn't be left out of their group just because she didn't have classes with them anymore. She lives outside of town and she comes early just to bike with the other girls to school. So she asked them one day if any of them had class the first hour so she could bike with them, and they all had PE, so they said sure, they'd bike together. Then unreliable girl says since they have PE, she wants them all to get dressed for PE at home so they can leave 5 minutes later. E reminds her that then their other friend can't bike with them, because SHE doesn't have PE first hour....she'll be late if she waits for them. Unreliable friend didn't respond. She saw the message, but didn't respond to it. So the next morning, one of the girls asked what time they were meeting and someone said regular time and unreliable girl says no, they are getting dressed at home and leaving 5 minutes earlier. E just sent a message reminding them that they promised to ride with this other girl, so they needed to go at regular time...still no response, so she said she would see them at school....she was going early with the other friend. Unreliable friend showed up late and didn't get dressed for PE because she decided she didn't feel well enough to participate anyway. What was the point of making everyone wait then, and leaving out the girl they promised they wouldn't abandon? It was just a completely controlling and selfish move on her part. She didn't care what anyone else wanted to do, just expected them all to go when she said to. But that's the only friend who is like that and since E tries to shift things around to rescue plans this girl doesn't think through, I'm not too worried about it. And none of the parents seem to be this way. The unreliable girl's dad seems like an absolute idiot, but he doesn't seem to have a hand in any of the plans, so it's no biggie. So far, we haven't had any issues with anyone being left out because of poor planning.

 

[HouCuseChickie]

Testing....it depends. If you are sick, you can just call or make an appointment online, but there aren't test locations everywhere. Last week when I had a sore throat and stuffy nose, I wanted to get tested, but my husband had something for work that he couldn't re-schedule, so I had to put in that I could ride my bike or walk. But the nearest test location was in a different town. Every time my daughter has been tested, it's 20-30 miles away. And that's for when you actually have symptoms. You can't book a test just because you want to travel or something. You have to either have symptoms, or you have to have a referral number because you've had contact with someone who tested positive. If you need a test to travel, that has to be done somewhere else and you have to pay for that one. They had a rule that there had to be testing locations within 20 miles, no matter where you lived, so people wouldn't have to travel far to get tested. A couple of weeks ago, they changed that rule, so now there's not a single testing location anywhere near me. But I don't know if that's just for the quick test for travel documents, or if it's also for the PCR test that is for when you already have symptoms.

I think that's pretty common among families, and deaths in families bring out the worst in some people. My brother is extremely manipulative and tried his best to get a larger share of mom's estate when she passed. And like you, I found out about all sorts of rivalries among my mom's family when I grew up...and my dad's...I didn't even know I HAD cousins until my uncle died and they all came for the funeral. I had no idea he'd had kids. They were all grown and had kids my age....I'd never met them. It's sad that it happens that way. But now I have more contact with the cousins, which is really nice. I'm sad I missed out on that because my dad and his siblings held so much resentment. My aunt apologized to me because she realized years later that she had treated my mother terribly. My mom had tried to help in going through my grandpa's house and my aunt said my mom shouldn't be there because she was just trying to get her hands on his stuff. She thought her brother's were trying to cheat her, and my dad was trying to use my mom to steal stuff without them knowing. She realized later that that wasn't true and she felt really bad and my mom had already passed, so she couldn't apologize to mom, so she apologized to me instead. Family dynamics are just so sensitive. I'm sorry it was so hurtful to your mom, and probably to you, too, not understanding why your aunt wouldn't want to visit.

That's frustrating. I know it varies by country, but most of the pharmacy chains here offer testing and you can just sign up wherever and whenever they have openings. When K was sick last month, I just went to the Walgreens drive thru...they sent the kit through the little drawer...and I was emailed with results when they were ready.

I remember my mom getting upset over things when certain relatives had passed...like things that weren't willed or nailed down may have ended up in he wrong hands...and that people were pretty greedy and aggressive about things. I don't think there was any great grab for stuff when my grandmother passed, but it was still tense between my mom and my aunt. Most of it was just over the details, but we all still wonder what happened to my grandmother's remaining wedding ring. My grandfather was a jeweler and her other two rings were stolen from their store in the 1960s, but she still had the one that she was wearing the night of the burglary. It was an amazing ring and I really hope my aunt got it and just didn't tell my mom. My mom always felt she should have it, but with all of the tension, she may not have wanted to even have a discussion on it. Drama

 

[Songbird76]

That's frustrating. I know it varies by country, but most of the pharmacy chains here offer testing and you can just sign up wherever and whenever they have openings. When K was sick last month, I just went to the Walgreens drive thru...they sent the kit through the little drawer...and I was emailed with results when they were ready.

I remember my mom getting upset over things when certain relatives had passed...like things that weren't willed or nailed down may have ended up in he wrong hands...and that people were pretty greedy and aggressive about things. I don't think there was any great grab for stuff when my grandmother passed, but it was still tense between my mom and my aunt. Most of it was just over the details, but we all still wonder what happened to my grandmother's remaining wedding ring. My grandfather was a jeweler and her other two rings were stolen from their store in the 1960s, but she still had the one that she was wearing the night of the burglary. It was an amazing ring and I really hope my aunt got it and just didn't tell my mom. My mom always felt she should have it, but with all of the tension, she may not have wanted to even have a discussion on it. Drama

Well, it turns out I had to go get tested tonight. My driving instructor tested positive. Tuesday afternoon, I had a lesson. He called me a few minutes before to tell me he had a bit of a sore throat, but he had done a self test and it was negative. Masks are mandated for driving lessons and public transportation still, and both the driving instructor and I have been fully vaccinated, so we weren't too worried about it. I had been sick last week with a sore throat and stuffy nose, so I canceled my driving lesson for last week, and his schedule was full the week before that, so it had been a couple of weeks since I had a lesson, and my test is November 11th, so I didn't want to miss ANOTHER lesson when we're vaccinated and masked. I had done 3 self tests over the course of the week and all were negative, so I was pretty confident that I didn't have covid, and I knew it's cold and flu season anyway, so I figured it was likely just a cold. Guess I was wrong and he actually did have covid. So I got tested tonight. But the testing location isn't TOO far away...it would be a really long bike ride, but it's doable by car...about 8 or 9 miles, I think? But it was really easy to get a test scheduled.

My mom had a couple of things stipulated, like I was to get her mom's wedding ring, and my brother was to get my mom's, and there was some other jewelry that had been left to me by other relatives that my mom had just been keeping for me. And she had bought her car with inheritance from her aunt, but had made payments to build a credit line. She had no credit because when she and my dad got married, I don't think women could have credit cards in their own names or something? So my dad's name was on her card. When they divorced, all the credit went to him, and she couldn't get a credit card because she had no credit score herself. My brother is really bad with money and never had money set aside for anything, so when his car died, he didn't have money to take it to a mechanic, and he didn't have money for a new one, and he had gotten in trouble with credit card debt and wasn't allowed to have a credit card for 10 years. So he needed someone to co-sign on a loan for a car, and there was no way I was going to co-sign for him because I knew how that would end up. So my mom got the car specifically to build credit so she could co-sign for my brother on a car. Since it was still really new, she stipulated that he was to get the car if he wanted it, otherwise we could sell it and he could use his half of the money to buy a different one. She hadn't written that in the will, but had told both of us that he got first crack at the car....I was fine with that. I had a car and wasn't interested in it. But the will still said we each got HALF the estate, so the car, if he wanted it, had to come out of his half. He tried to insist that mom intended for him to have the car, so he should get that PLUS half the rest of the estate. When I said no to that, he tried to say we each owned half the car, so he already owned half, and he only needed to pay me HALF the value of my half, because the other half was his....so basically, he should only have to pay me for 1/4 of the car. It made no sense to me. First it was "But I already have plans for that money!" and I was like, well, you can't make plans for money that's not yours! Then it was well the car is worth this much, and my half is this much. So if I pay you half of that, then I've paid for my half. He was trying to confuse me, thinking I'd just give in and let him have it to make it easier. There were other things he manipulated me with and he ended up pawning all the valuable he begged for, telling me he should get this or that for this reason....like he should get the china because he didn't have matching dishes, and I did. He should get the antique singer sewing machine because he wanted to sew costumes for things....then all that stuff ended up at the pawn shop. He was just trying to get as many valuables as possible to sell. I got things like doilies my grandmother made, and he got things like silver serving trays. I'm sure it made him angry that I didn't fall for the ruse with the car, and I learned that I just can't trust him when it comes to money because I know he isn't honest and will be trying to trick me so he gets more. It definitely put a strain on our relationship. It's unfortunate, but that's the way it is. I still love him, and I adore his husband even more...he chose well in his partner. But when it comes to money, I can not trust anything he says. I think probably every family has issues somewhere along the line, whether it's siblings, or cousins, or aunts and uncles, etc...I don't think I've ever heard of a family who didn't have at least some sort of fued in their family somewhere along the line. My dad's siblings didn't trust each other, my mom had issues with her brother's wife, I have issues with my brother, my brother wanted nothing to do with my dad...and that's just OUR family. All my friends have issues with people in their families, too. I think it's common because people are, by nature, different and have different tastes and different priorities. They are bound to clash sometimes.

 

[HouCuseChickie]

Well to be honest, though, that involves common sense, which isn't very common anymore. I'm really lucky that most of E's friends are pretty reliable...most of them are a lot like her. She has one friend who is sweet as can be, but she's just really flaky. She tries hard, but she just doesn't think on her feet. Then the one friend who is unreliable, but E knows that about her and actually takes it on herself to try to organize things so they don't have to rely on whatever this girl planned. This girl is also a last minute person who expects everyone to be available on demand. Anything she plans in advance, she ends up forgetting and making other plans. The flaky friend ended up redoing last year of school. She passed, but just barely, and it was the 2nd year in a row, so she just decided it would be better for her to redo the year and get the foundation she really needs in order to move on....a very mature decision on her part! They all promised her she wouldn't be left out of their group just because she didn't have classes with them anymore. She lives outside of town and she comes early just to bike with the other girls to school. So she asked them one day if any of them had class the first hour so she could bike with them, and they all had PE, so they said sure, they'd bike together. Then unreliable girl says since they have PE, she wants them all to get dressed for PE at home so they can leave 5 minutes later. E reminds her that then their other friend can't bike with them, because SHE doesn't have PE first hour....she'll be late if she waits for them. Unreliable friend didn't respond. She saw the message, but didn't respond to it. So the next morning, one of the girls asked what time they were meeting and someone said regular time and unreliable girl says no, they are getting dressed at home and leaving 5 minutes earlier. E just sent a message reminding them that they promised to ride with this other girl, so they needed to go at regular time...still no response, so she said she would see them at school....she was going early with the other friend. Unreliable friend showed up late and didn't get dressed for PE because she decided she didn't feel well enough to participate anyway. What was the point of making everyone wait then, and leaving out the girl they promised they wouldn't abandon? It was just a completely controlling and selfish move on her part. She didn't care what anyone else wanted to do, just expected them all to go when she said to. But that's the only friend who is like that and since E tries to shift things around to rescue plans this girl doesn't think through, I'm not too worried about it. And none of the parents seem to be this way. The unreliable girl's dad seems like an absolute idiot, but he doesn't seem to have a hand in any of the plans, so it's no biggie. So far, we haven't had any issues with anyone being left out because of poor planning.

Ooops...thought I posted this last week.

I think when it's the kids, some of it is just the age. While it's annoying at times (which seems to be a lot of the time, of late) to deal with all of the different teen personalities and moody quirks, I'm far more forgiving when it's the kids. When it's a woman in her 40s or 60s, I'm not going to be as understanding. K and her friends go from sweet to flaky, supportive to superficial, bossy to blah...all in the same hour...and all with a heavy dose of entitlement and stubbornness. I'm also trying to teach myself not to be swayed by the ones who seem nice to me. K is apparently an angel at other people's homes, but I know what she's like this us. That's not to say she's a bad kid, or that any of them really are (well, minus which ever one took her wallet...and the softball girl from last spring), but some is just the age. I saw some old friends over the weekend and the one woman has a daughter just a little older than K (we and another work friend were all due right around the same time). It sounds like her 15 year old gives her some of the same battles I get with K. It was foreign to her because her two older girls are ridiculously focused and serious, to the point that she's always worried that they didn't get all of the fun of being a teen kid. She's the one whose oldest went to Cornell on full academic scholarship. The middle child, is apparently the same way. Since her big sis was salutatorian, her goal is valedictorian, and an even more prestigious school. She's first in her class right now, got into the city's magnet school for engineering, and already has a paid internship with the city in her desired field. The baby is no slouch, but she's not like her big sisters. In any event, the friend's struggles with her youngest sound a lot like us and K. Not a bad kid, and a kid who is driven to do well...just also not a kid that's dominated by her academics that's also very headstrong.

 

[HouCuseChickie]

Well, it turns out I had to go get tested tonight. My driving instructor tested positive. Tuesday afternoon, I had a lesson. He called me a few minutes before to tell me he had a bit of a sore throat, but he had done a self test and it was negative. Masks are mandated for driving lessons and public transportation still, and both the driving instructor and I have been fully vaccinated, so we weren't too worried about it. I had been sick last week with a sore throat and stuffy nose, so I canceled my driving lesson for last week, and his schedule was full the week before that, so it had been a couple of weeks since I had a lesson, and my test is November 11th, so I didn't want to miss ANOTHER lesson when we're vaccinated and masked. I had done 3 self tests over the course of the week and all were negative, so I was pretty confident that I didn't have covid, and I knew it's cold and flu season anyway, so I figured it was likely just a cold. Guess I was wrong and he actually did have covid. So I got tested tonight. But the testing location isn't TOO far away...it would be a really long bike ride, but it's doable by car...about 8 or 9 miles, I think? But it was really easy to get a test scheduled.

My mom had a couple of things stipulated, like I was to get her mom's wedding ring, and my brother was to get my mom's, and there was some other jewelry that had been left to me by other relatives that my mom had just been keeping for me. And she had bought her car with inheritance from her aunt, but had made payments to build a credit line. She had no credit because when she and my dad got married, I don't think women could have credit cards in their own names or something? So my dad's name was on her card. When they divorced, all the credit went to him, and she couldn't get a credit card because she had no credit score herself. My brother is really bad with money and never had money set aside for anything, so when his car died, he didn't have money to take it to a mechanic, and he didn't have money for a new one, and he had gotten in trouble with credit card debt and wasn't allowed to have a credit card for 10 years. So he needed someone to co-sign on a loan for a car, and there was no way I was going to co-sign for him because I knew how that would end up. So my mom got the car specifically to build credit so she could co-sign for my brother on a car. Since it was still really new, she stipulated that he was to get the car if he wanted it, otherwise we could sell it and he could use his half of the money to buy a different one. She hadn't written that in the will, but had told both of us that he got first crack at the car....I was fine with that. I had a car and wasn't interested in it. But the will still said we each got HALF the estate, so the car, if he wanted it, had to come out of his half. He tried to insist that mom intended for him to have the car, so he should get that PLUS half the rest of the estate. When I said no to that, he tried to say we each owned half the car, so he already owned half, and he only needed to pay me HALF the value of my half, because the other half was his....so basically, he should only have to pay me for 1/4 of the car. It made no sense to me. First it was "But I already have plans for that money!" and I was like, well, you can't make plans for money that's not yours! Then it was well the car is worth this much, and my half is this much. So if I pay you half of that, then I've paid for my half. He was trying to confuse me, thinking I'd just give in and let him have it to make it easier. There were other things he manipulated me with and he ended up pawning all the valuable he begged for, telling me he should get this or that for this reason....like he should get the china because he didn't have matching dishes, and I did. He should get the antique singer sewing machine because he wanted to sew costumes for things....then all that stuff ended up at the pawn shop. He was just trying to get as many valuables as possible to sell. I got things like doilies my grandmother made, and he got things like silver serving trays. I'm sure it made him angry that I didn't fall for the ruse with the car, and I learned that I just can't trust him when it comes to money because I know he isn't honest and will be trying to trick me so he gets more. It definitely put a strain on our relationship. It's unfortunate, but that's the way it is. I still love him, and I adore his husband even more...he chose well in his partner. But when it comes to money, I can not trust anything he says. I think probably every family has issues somewhere along the line, whether it's siblings, or cousins, or aunts and uncles, etc...I don't think I've ever heard of a family who didn't have at least some sort of fued in their family somewhere along the line. My dad's siblings didn't trust each other, my mom had issues with her brother's wife, I have issues with my brother, my brother wanted nothing to do with my dad...and that's just OUR family. All my friends have issues with people in their families, too. I think it's common because people are, by nature, different and have different tastes and different priorities. They are bound to clash sometimes.

Ugh, I'm sorry you were exposed and had to get tested. How did it all go?

It's interesting that you bring up the vehicle example. When my FIL was going over his assets and legally expressed wishes with us, he noted his concern with my BIL (not the greatest with finances) and had the legal documents stipulate that he got the car...and that it was not tied to any other assets being split between the brothers. Before he passed, he pushed us to go through his house and take anything we wanted. We let the kids take a few things (like a bird house, a shower caddy, and a door hanger basketball hoop), but we didn't think it was fair that his brother wasn't there and opted to wait when we were in the house together for everything else. It was quite civil. His brother has more than his fair share of self inflicted financial woes, but he's also pretty good about doing the right thing. It's why he barely speaks to my MIL. She insisted that he and my husband be self sufficient adults and pay back their debts if they really needed help. All of the step kids through her second marriage have been allowed to walk all over her...no real jobs...no real excuses. Case in point, she bought two of the step kids homes and has raised one of the step kids sons (19 and still living with her- and still hasn't passed high school or gotten a job)...aside from taking care of most of their food, clothes, medical, etc. as well. The step kids and their kids are train wrecks. She claims she did all of this to help them, but instead, she taught them to be so dependent on her that they never got that dose of reality to become self reliant adults. My husband and my BIL are so upset over it that it's severely crippled their relationship with my MIL. So, I had a feeling his brother wouldn't pull this with his dad's stuff. So, his brother took a number of pieces of furniture, obviously got the car, we got most of the china cabinet formal dining antiques, and everything else was sold and split by the executors (FIL's brothers). The kids are still ticked off that we didn't take his golf cart, since lots of kids drive them around our neighborhood, but he lived in a golf community...so I know that sold fast in the estate sale. In the end, you are right...it's very normal for people to clash in these death situations. It's amazing there was more clashing with my mom and her sister than we had with my husband and BIL. My grandmother made sure we got certain pieces of her jewelry well before she passed and that big diamond was never meant to be mine, so I was just grateful for all of the little extras my mom was able to get that my aunt didn't want. I have an obsession with china and formal dining stuff, and my brother and SIL want none of it, so I have all kinds of little mementos without a lot of fighting. Whew!

 

[Songbird76]

Ooops...thought I posted this last week.

I think when it's the kids, some of it is just the age. While it's annoying at times (which seems to be a lot of the time, of late) to deal with all of the different teen personalities and moody quirks, I'm far more forgiving when it's the kids. When it's a woman in her 40s or 60s, I'm not going to be as understanding. K and her friends go from sweet to flaky, supportive to superficial, bossy to blah...all in the same hour...and all with a heavy dose of entitlement and stubbornness. I'm also trying to teach myself not to be swayed by the ones who seem nice to me. K is apparently an angel at other people's homes, but I know what she's like this us. That's not to say she's a bad kid, or that any of them really are (well, minus which ever one took her wallet...and the softball girl from last spring), but some is just the age. I saw some old friends over the weekend and the one woman has a daughter just a little older than K (we and another work friend were all due right around the same time). It sounds like her 15 year old gives her some of the same battles I get with K. It was foreign to her because her two older girls are ridiculously focused and serious, to the point that she's always worried that they didn't get all of the fun of being a teen kid. She's the one whose oldest went to Cornell on full academic scholarship. The middle child, is apparently the same way. Since her big sis was salutatorian, her goal is valedictorian, and an even more prestigious school. She's first in her class right now, got into the city's magnet school for engineering, and already has a paid internship with the city in her desired field. The baby is no slouch, but she's not like her big sisters. In any event, the friend's struggles with her youngest sound a lot like us and K. Not a bad kid, and a kid who is driven to do well...just also not a kid that's dominated by her academics that's also very headstrong.

I'll admit I have a hard time accepting bad behavior even from kids. I know it's natural, everyone has bad days, but some seem to not have just bad days but bad decades. I've been really lucky....E is more like your friend's older two girls....very serious and driven. And I do worry more about her taking the time for some fun. I have to remind her sometimes that it's ok to take a break. She very rarely gets really nasty and it's usually only when she's feeling overwhelmed and once we talk about it, she's fine and reverts back to her normal self. The only friend I wonder about is the one who tends to be controlling and wants to tell everyone what they are doing without asking for input. She can also be very sweet and caring, but she definitely is the most "teenagery" of the group. She just invited all the kids over to her house last weekend and asked who wanted to bring chips, drinks, chocolate, and cigarettes. E didn't go because she had too much homework to do, but she was confused by the cigarette request...as far as she knows, the girl doesn't smoke. But this is the age at which they are going to start rebelling against parents and doing things just to tick parents off, and this girl seems like the kind who is easily swayed to break rules. She recently started working at McDonalds, and suddenly she had a boyfriend for all of 1 week, who apparently offered her pot and dumped her after less than a week, I think. (I have suspicions about what happened there.) E is not a party girl. She didn't want to be around a bunch of people, she doesn't like large groups. I remember being in high school and there was a girl who I was not friends with, but who some of my friends started hanging out with, and she was a bad influence. Suddenly my friends wanted me to skip school with them, or sneak out of my house at night, or go drinking. I ended up distancing myself from those friends. My best friend was the only one who, even though she was hanging out with this girl and getting into trouble, actually discouraged me from following her example because she knew I wasn't that kind of girl and would regret doing the things she did. She ended up dating a drug user who got her pregnant at 18 or 19 and wanted nothing to do with a baby. She was the only one who would still hang out with me even though I wouldn't break rules...she didn't WANT me to. The others all thought I was boring and pretty much ditched me. But I think with E, her friends all seem more like her, so hopefully it won't come to that for her. I'm hoping the other friend either distances herself from the group because she thinks they are no fun, OR she just realizes they won't engage in that way and she'll keep that behavior out of their group. Apparently she didn't accept the weed from the boyfriend, but I'm sure it won't be the last time she's in that situation and it's possible that she's done it before and only said no this one time because their other friend was there, too. But E has a good head on her shoulders, and for the most part, I trust her judgement. And since the majority of her friends are like her, I think it will be easier for her to resist temptation because she won't be the only one saying no. It's always harder to be the only one to go against the group.

 

[Songbird76]

Ugh, I'm sorry you were exposed and had to get tested. How did it all go?

It's interesting that you bring up the vehicle example. When my FIL was going over his assets and legally expressed wishes with us, he noted his concern with my BIL (not the greatest with finances) and had the legal documents stipulate that he got the car...and that it was not tied to any other assets being split between the brothers. Before he passed, he pushed us to go through his house and take anything we wanted. We let the kids take a few things (like a bird house, a shower caddy, and a door hanger basketball hoop), but we didn't think it was fair that his brother wasn't there and opted to wait when we were in the house together for everything else. It was quite civil. His brother has more than his fair share of self inflicted financial woes, but he's also pretty good about doing the right thing. It's why he barely speaks to my MIL. She insisted that he and my husband be self sufficient adults and pay back their debts if they really needed help. All of the step kids through her second marriage have been allowed to walk all over her...no real jobs...no real excuses. Case in point, she bought two of the step kids homes and has raised one of the step kids sons (19 and still living with her- and still hasn't passed high school or gotten a job)...aside from taking care of most of their food, clothes, medical, etc. as well. The step kids and their kids are train wrecks. She claims she did all of this to help them, but instead, she taught them to be so dependent on her that they never got that dose of reality to become self reliant adults. My husband and my BIL are so upset over it that it's severely crippled their relationship with my MIL. So, I had a feeling his brother wouldn't pull this with his dad's stuff. So, his brother took a number of pieces of furniture, obviously got the car, we got most of the china cabinet formal dining antiques, and everything else was sold and split by the executors (FIL's brothers). The kids are still ticked off that we didn't take his golf cart, since lots of kids drive them around our neighborhood, but he lived in a golf community...so I know that sold fast in the estate sale. In the end, you are right...it's very normal for people to clash in these death situations. It's amazing there was more clashing with my mom and her sister than we had with my husband and BIL. My grandmother made sure we got certain pieces of her jewelry well before she passed and that big diamond was never meant to be mine, so I was just grateful for all of the little extras my mom was able to get that my aunt didn't want. I have an obsession with china and formal dining stuff, and my brother and SIL want none of it, so I have all kinds of little mementos without a lot of fighting. Whew!

It's sad that your husband's relationship with his mom has suffered so much. That's a really tough situation to be in. Our family tended to be really toxic. My brother couldn't stand my dad, and I used to break out in a rash when I was around my dad, but my mom had kind of raised us to think the divorce was entirely his fault because he was emotionally abusive and controlling, etc. Now that I'm an adult, and having gotten to know my dad better once I was in college, I realize it wasn't so black and white. And my mom's treatment of me was pretty much exactly what she accused my dad of. And yes, dad was misogynistic and harsh, could be very demeaning....that was all true, but mom wasn't a whole lot better. She favored my brother something awful and enabled him. She was completely blind where he was concerned. Anything that went wrong was automatically my fault. He hit a teacher's new truck when he was pulling out of his parking space. I was with him, but I didn't feel it at all. He was going slowly and it was such a light scrape. He stopped, he got out and looked, but didn't see anything. I hadn't felt anything, so we went ahead and left, thinking he hadn't really hit it. Turns out he did, and the teacher called my mom about it, and I was the one who got in trouble because she said my brother would NEVER have left...I must have persuaded him to leave and lie about it. It was actually WEEKS later that the teacher found out who had hit the truck, and I didn't even remember the incident. So when mom confronted us, I was really confused....I had no memory of my brother hitting a car, because we honestly believed he hadn't. It didn't stick in my mind. I got grounded for lying and for convincing my brother to do the wrong thing, which I hadn't done. That was completely his choice. He could have gone in and had the teacher come look, he could have left a note saying he wasn't sure if he hit or not and to please check it out....so many other options. But my mom wouldn't hear a word against him, it was all MY fault.
Mom had a slide projector and screen, and she had told us not to touch the screen because it was old and fragile and couldn't be replaced. My brother was curious and decided to see if he could roll it up, and it ripped. He begged me not to tell mom. She saw the rip and assumed it was me and ran after me with the wooden spoon until I shouted that it was him. He just sat there staring at me, begging me not to tell it was him....he was perfectly willing to let me take the punishment for him. He wasn't about to admit that he had done it. And then I still got in trouble for not telling her in the first place, even though I hadn't done it.
She found a note once that said something about "Saterday" and she screamed to me back in my room "You get out here right now!!" and I had no idea what I'd done. "Spell Saturday!!" She was FURIOUS. I spelled it and she shouts "Well if you know how to spell it, why did you spell it with an e on this note!?" And she's lecturing me about how I'm never going to amount to much if I can't even spell simple words, etc. I didn't recognize the note so I asked to see it...it was my brother's handwriting. So I told her it was his, and showed her that the Js were written the way he writes them, not the way I do. Suddenly she was all calm. "Oh. Ok....I'm sure he knows how to spell it. He must have just been writing too quickly and made a mistake." So he didn't get in trouble. She SCREAMED at me and how could I be so stupid, and my entire future was in question, how DARE I make such a mistake. But as soon as she found out it was him, it was no big deal. That was my whole life. Everything bad was my fault, everything good was because of him. She bragged about how great he had been when she had her surgery and chemo, that he stayed in the hospital with her that whole day. Not a word to anyone that I did too. She didn't care that I was there. It only mattered that HE was there. So he was her angel and she couldn't have made it through without him. And he never bothered to correct her on anything. He'd take credit for things I did, blame things he did on me, he'd throw me under the bus for things I had no control over and she'd chew me out. How dare I let my former English teacher say I had higher grades in my first semester of college than my brother did. It was true, and I hadn't said a word...She was there when we looked up our report cards online and SHE commented. First he told the teacher that it didn't count because I was only a music major. All I had to do was sing all day. But my mom got angry with me and chewed me out because I should have stood up for him. I should have told her that he was way smarter than me and it was just a fluke that my grades were good. AND she said I wouldn't have ever made it to college if it weren't for my brother, and I'd never have gotten those grades without his tutoring. Um...he knows NOTHING about music....what did he supposedly tutor me in? I'd like to have seen HIM pass my aural theory final. And she didn't care a bit that he said my major was easy and my grades weren't an accomplishment. It was ok for him to make me look bad, it just wasn't ok for me to look better than him.

Sorry....I have a lot of resentment about this stuff. But basically, she had enabled him to take advantage of me, and to blame everything bad on me, and to manipulate me. So when she passed, it was to be expected that he would do what he always did. I know he got more of the "valuables" from her estate, but I got all the sentimental things because he didn't want any of it. Then when I started talking to people from our home town, I started hearing a lot of people saying they had noticed that he wasn't the golden boy she thought he was, and that she had a serious blind spot when it came to him. Several people said he took advantage of them in some way. Mom would never hear a word against him, and she always told people he was "her responsible child". I don't know how many times we'd meet new people and she'd say "And this is ---, my responsible child." and I'd be thinking....and what am I? I had never gotten in trouble, was at the top of my class, involved in lots of activities...I still don't understand that comment. He was her golden boy who could do no wrong. And I was.....there. No achievement or award could put me on an equal footing with him, and no mistake he made could lower her opinion of him...she always found a way to attribute it to me.

I can completely see from your husband's perspective, that he was held to a higher standard while his mom's step kids were given everything. On the one hand, I appreciate the fact that I have benefitted from having good grades and achieving a lot...I learned lessons my brother never did, and those lessons have served me well. On the other hand, I have a lot of resentment that she let him get away with so much while I wasn't allowed to make mistakes and sometimes she made it REALLY hard for me and now I have anxiety issues, etc. I'm sure your husband appreciates that he became a responsible adult capable of dealing with things himself. He's way better off than the step kids! But it's really hard to understand why a parent favors everyone over you when you did nothing to deserve being left out of affection and praise that's heaped on the other(s).

 

[HouCuseChickie]

I'll admit I have a hard time accepting bad behavior even from kids. I know it's natural, everyone has bad days, but some seem to not have just bad days but bad decades. I've been really lucky....E is more like your friend's older two girls....very serious and driven. And I do worry more about her taking the time for some fun. I have to remind her sometimes that it's ok to take a break. She very rarely gets really nasty and it's usually only when she's feeling overwhelmed and once we talk about it, she's fine and reverts back to her normal self. The only friend I wonder about is the one who tends to be controlling and wants to tell everyone what they are doing without asking for input. She can also be very sweet and caring, but she definitely is the most "teenagery" of the group. She just invited all the kids over to her house last weekend and asked who wanted to bring chips, drinks, chocolate, and cigarettes. E didn't go because she had too much homework to do, but she was confused by the cigarette request...as far as she knows, the girl doesn't smoke. But this is the age at which they are going to start rebelling against parents and doing things just to tick parents off, and this girl seems like the kind who is easily swayed to break rules. She recently started working at McDonalds, and suddenly she had a boyfriend for all of 1 week, who apparently offered her pot and dumped her after less than a week, I think. (I have suspicions about what happened there.) E is not a party girl. She didn't want to be around a bunch of people, she doesn't like large groups. I remember being in high school and there was a girl who I was not friends with, but who some of my friends started hanging out with, and she was a bad influence. Suddenly my friends wanted me to skip school with them, or sneak out of my house at night, or go drinking. I ended up distancing myself from those friends. My best friend was the only one who, even though she was hanging out with this girl and getting into trouble, actually discouraged me from following her example because she knew I wasn't that kind of girl and would regret doing the things she did. She ended up dating a drug user who got her pregnant at 18 or 19 and wanted nothing to do with a baby. She was the only one who would still hang out with me even though I wouldn't break rules...she didn't WANT me to. The others all thought I was boring and pretty much ditched me. But I think with E, her friends all seem more like her, so hopefully it won't come to that for her. I'm hoping the other friend either distances herself from the group because she thinks they are no fun, OR she just realizes they won't engage in that way and she'll keep that behavior out of their group. Apparently she didn't accept the weed from the boyfriend, but I'm sure it won't be the last time she's in that situation and it's possible that she's done it before and only said no this one time because their other friend was there, too. But E has a good head on her shoulders, and for the most part, I trust her judgement. And since the majority of her friends are like her, I think it will be easier for her to resist temptation because she won't be the only one saying no. It's always harder to be the only one to go against the group.

I think some of it is also tied to what you consider bad behavior. I've had many of these discussions with friends over the years and so many revert to an antiquated notion that good childhood behavior strictly equates to a quiet kid that always does what they're told without question. I'm not saying those aren't good kids, but it leaves out a wide array of personalities that aren't necessarily bad, but may require different approaches. They may annoy or infuriate the adult that believes that anything less than silence and immediate compliance is bad, but it's unrealistic when you consider depth of personality and how adults in corporate America are encouraged to embrace all kinds of personality types and question all sorts of things. K is an extrovert and she's never been shy about telling people what she thinks and arguing her side. We've always said she was a born litigator, if she doesn't wind up in a tv drama. I have a couple of friends who view this as bad intolerable behavior. They questioned why I hadn't resorted to more extreme physical punishment, but also admitted they probably would have beaten her to a pulp years ago for what they see as unacceptable insubordination. They also would have made the 6 o'clock news and spent the rest of their lives in prison. As expected, the 5 year old that challenged us at every turn is now the teenage version. I also look back to my high school years and don't want to hold her back if she wants to start going to parties. I'd say that 60-70% of our high school attended parties, drank, smoked, etc. and most still had good grades, participated in activities, had all kinds of honors, and went on to good colleges and careers. I think some of it also even helped them when it came to college and young adulthood in the corporate work world. She hasn't really asked to go to any parties...yet...but I'm sure it will happen. She's extremely social and like me, I know she needs some of that extra human connection. Like some of the deadbeat examples in my life when I was a teen (mine were friends of friends and people on the fringe of our group), I hope she uses her own real life examples (we've got a few in the family) to help guide her choices of what she doesn't want to be. She has big goals, and she's already seeing how little it takes to hurt some of those chances, so I think that alone is a good motivator. We just need to learn better ways to deal with our little litigator, because it's exhausting arguing over stupid stuff. Thankfully, the last two big blowups also came with a dose of reality that I let quietly unfold. She chewed me out for insisting her hoco dress cost more than she said it did, going as far as to say I was ripped off and I let it happen. Then she found it on the website and realized she was wrong. Even better...yesterday, she didn't want to attend this National Honor Society meeting...said her friends said everything from it being canceled to it not being for kids to nobody goes to the meeting. After a good 40 minutes of text fighting during breaks in choir rehearsal, I got her to the meeting...which obviously wasn't canceled, it had over 50 people in attendance, and about 85% of the adults also had their nominated high school kid with them. That in itself was one great I told you so to end the fight. In reality, I could have gone to the meeting without her and let her go for poke with her friend after choir, but they covered a lot of things to prove to her that she is qualified.

 

[celluloid]

So I slacked big time after going to King's Island and Cedar Point this summer as a tangible reward. I met my goal and fit onto Millennium Force and Top Thrill Dragster as I knew those would be the ultimate fit on coaster goals. I slacked until late September and still fit into everything like I had not since middle school at Universal.

I am still slacking a bit and it is a miracle that I only gained 20 pounds back. But a bad slippery slope. Time to get busy again to get to my 200 lbs goal from currently 270. If I can get to 200lbs or less. I am going to Tokyo. Back to every day work out and calorie counting.

 

[HouCuseChickie]

It's sad that your husband's relationship with his mom has suffered so much. That's a really tough situation to be in. Our family tended to be really toxic. My brother couldn't stand my dad, and I used to break out in a rash when I was around my dad, but my mom had kind of raised us to think the divorce was entirely his fault because he was emotionally abusive and controlling, etc. Now that I'm an adult, and having gotten to know my dad better once I was in college, I realize it wasn't so black and white. And my mom's treatment of me was pretty much exactly what she accused my dad of. And yes, dad was misogynistic and harsh, could be very demeaning....that was all true, but mom wasn't a whole lot better. She favored my brother something awful and enabled him. She was completely blind where he was concerned. Anything that went wrong was automatically my fault. He hit a teacher's new truck when he was pulling out of his parking space. I was with him, but I didn't feel it at all. He was going slowly and it was such a light scrape. He stopped, he got out and looked, but didn't see anything. I hadn't felt anything, so we went ahead and left, thinking he hadn't really hit it. Turns out he did, and the teacher called my mom about it, and I was the one who got in trouble because she said my brother would NEVER have left...I must have persuaded him to leave and lie about it. It was actually WEEKS later that the teacher found out who had hit the truck, and I didn't even remember the incident. So when mom confronted us, I was really confused....I had no memory of my brother hitting a car, because we honestly believed he hadn't. It didn't stick in my mind. I got grounded for lying and for convincing my brother to do the wrong thing, which I hadn't done. That was completely his choice. He could have gone in and had the teacher come look, he could have left a note saying he wasn't sure if he hit or not and to please check it out....so many other options. But my mom wouldn't hear a word against him, it was all MY fault.
Mom had a slide projector and screen, and she had told us not to touch the screen because it was old and fragile and couldn't be replaced. My brother was curious and decided to see if he could roll it up, and it ripped. He begged me not to tell mom. She saw the rip and assumed it was me and ran after me with the wooden spoon until I shouted that it was him. He just sat there staring at me, begging me not to tell it was him....he was perfectly willing to let me take the punishment for him. He wasn't about to admit that he had done it. And then I still got in trouble for not telling her in the first place, even though I hadn't done it.
She found a note once that said something about "Saterday" and she screamed to me back in my room "You get out here right now!!" and I had no idea what I'd done. "Spell Saturday!!" She was FURIOUS. I spelled it and she shouts "Well if you know how to spell it, why did you spell it with an e on this note!?" And she's lecturing me about how I'm never going to amount to much if I can't even spell simple words, etc. I didn't recognize the note so I asked to see it...it was my brother's handwriting. So I told her it was his, and showed her that the Js were written the way he writes them, not the way I do. Suddenly she was all calm. "Oh. Ok....I'm sure he knows how to spell it. He must have just been writing too quickly and made a mistake." So he didn't get in trouble. She SCREAMED at me and how could I be so stupid, and my entire future was in question, how DARE I make such a mistake. But as soon as she found out it was him, it was no big deal. That was my whole life. Everything bad was my fault, everything good was because of him. She bragged about how great he had been when she had her surgery and chemo, that he stayed in the hospital with her that whole day. Not a word to anyone that I did too. She didn't care that I was there. It only mattered that HE was there. So he was her angel and she couldn't have made it through without him. And he never bothered to correct her on anything. He'd take credit for things I did, blame things he did on me, he'd throw me under the bus for things I had no control over and she'd chew me out. How dare I let my former English teacher say I had higher grades in my first semester of college than my brother did. It was true, and I hadn't said a word...She was there when we looked up our report cards online and SHE commented. First he told the teacher that it didn't count because I was only a music major. All I had to do was sing all day. But my mom got angry with me and chewed me out because I should have stood up for him. I should have told her that he was way smarter than me and it was just a fluke that my grades were good. AND she said I wouldn't have ever made it to college if it weren't for my brother, and I'd never have gotten those grades without his tutoring. Um...he knows NOTHING about music....what did he supposedly tutor me in? I'd like to have seen HIM pass my aural theory final. And she didn't care a bit that he said my major was easy and my grades weren't an accomplishment. It was ok for him to make me look bad, it just wasn't ok for me to look better than him.

Sorry....I have a lot of resentment about this stuff. But basically, she had enabled him to take advantage of me, and to blame everything bad on me, and to manipulate me. So when she passed, it was to be expected that he would do what he always did. I know he got more of the "valuables" from her estate, but I got all the sentimental things because he didn't want any of it. Then when I started talking to people from our home town, I started hearing a lot of people saying they had noticed that he wasn't the golden boy she thought he was, and that she had a serious blind spot when it came to him. Several people said he took advantage of them in some way. Mom would never hear a word against him, and she always told people he was "her responsible child". I don't know how many times we'd meet new people and she'd say "And this is ---, my responsible child." and I'd be thinking....and what am I? I had never gotten in trouble, was at the top of my class, involved in lots of activities...I still don't understand that comment. He was her golden boy who could do no wrong. And I was.....there. No achievement or award could put me on an equal footing with him, and no mistake he made could lower her opinion of him...she always found a way to attribute it to me.

I can completely see from your husband's perspective, that he was held to a higher standard while his mom's step kids were given everything. On the one hand, I appreciate the fact that I have benefitted from having good grades and achieving a lot...I learned lessons my brother never did, and those lessons have served me well. On the other hand, I have a lot of resentment that she let him get away with so much while I wasn't allowed to make mistakes and sometimes she made it REALLY hard for me and now I have anxiety issues, etc. I'm sure your husband appreciates that he became a responsible adult capable of dealing with things himself. He's way better off than the step kids! But it's really hard to understand why a parent favors everyone over you when you did nothing to deserve being left out of affection and praise that's heaped on the other(s).

My MIL and FIL divorced when my husband was really young. He was raised in what sounds like a very strict and abusive household, so naturally, that's a lot of how he treated his own kids. I remember visiting him when K was about 2 (like just turned 2) and he tried to throw her into a cold shower to shut up one of her tantrums. He was very successful in business and had a number of good friends for partying and golf, but the rest of his relationships told a different story. He was married 5 times, but thankfully he realized early on that he didn't want any more kids...so my husband and BIL are his only ones. He was so different from my MIL, to the point that I don't see how they'd ever be together for long.

That's so awful with all of the favoritism when you were growing up. You were wrong and punished even when you weren't guilty. Yes, there are times where we might get upset with one kid for not telling us about something the other did, but if S hit a car or broke a projector screen...she'd be the one getting the real punishment. That punishment will also likely come in the form of extra chores around the house and loss of certain privileges. We do have to be really careful because S is the much easier personality, which sometimes leads to us being a bit too soft on her.

My husband also tried to take those negatives and make them positives. I think it's made him a better husband and father. The girls also look to my family for inspiration as well. My parents are still married...going on 50 years, my brother and I fought a lot as kids...but we both did well in school and have good jobs, and while we live several states away...we talk to my parents and see them more often (even if it's via FaceTime) than we see my MIL (and she just lives on the other side of town). We used to live about 20 minutes from my MIL and we still barely saw her. She made very little effort to see our kids, and then she started putting the trashy step kids' kids needs first...which is dangerous when you serve them PB&J next to your biological granddaughter that is deathly allergic to peanuts. And that's just the tip of the iceberg with her proving she can't be trusted. At the end of the day, I think we all have our skeletons and wounds we carry...and we just do our best.

 

[HouCuseChickie]

So I slacked big time after going to King's Island and Cedar Point this summer as a tangible reward. I met my goal and fit onto Millennium Force and Top Thrill Dragster as I knew those would be the ultimate fit on coaster goals. I slacked until late September and still fit into everything like I had not since middle school at Universal.

I am still slacking a bit and it is a miracle that I only gained 20 pounds back. But a bad slippery slope. Time to get busy again to get to my 200 lbs goal from currently 270. If I can get to 200lbs or less. I am going to Tokyo. Back to every day work out and calorie counting.

That is so awesome!!! Congrats on hitting those ride goals. I've always wanted to ride Millennium Force. And hey, Tokyo is a great goal to get you to that next weight goal.

 

[celluloid]

That is so awesome!!! Congrats on hitting those ride goals. I've always wanted to ride Millennium Force. And hey, Tokyo is a great goal to get you to that next weight goal.

Thank you. This is my favorite thread on the entire site for the positivity! I did not meant to interject a conversation. It makes me happy to see realistic goals and real people working hard. I did it once and once in the groove, it was not that hard. Gaining some of it back was not hard to do either, but losing it again will not be so there is that!

I believe that the goal reward was the only reason it really worked. I wanted coasters again. Now I need to keep enjoying the other benefits.

 

[Figgy1]

That is so awesome!!! Congrats on hitting those ride goals. I've always wanted to ride Millennium Force. And hey, Tokyo is a great goal to get you to that next weight goal.

X2