I tell ya, this autism training we've had is making me see patterns, making me see things in a different way, and recognize behaviors, etc. I know my mom wanted the best for me, and she was trying to help me achieve my goals, but it had a huge psychological effect on me. I never felt like I was good enough for her, and I felt like if I was already doing my best, and my best wasn't good enough, then I was doomed to failure. There was just no way I could achieve at the level she expected. And now I see that in my daughter...she is SO hard on herself. And we've worked really hard to tell her that she doesn't always have to get 100% for every piece of homework and every test. She still usually DOES get really close, but she isn't nearly as bad as she was a few years ago. I worry that MY fears of inadequacy have rubbed off on her.
And with this training now we've learned to be more...not tolerant really, but I guess more productive. Like...DD forgot a workbook thingy she needed for a project. She had been working in a different room...not her classroom, when the teacher handed out this booklet for an upcoming project. She didn't have her backpack with her, so she set the booklet on the table and then forgot to grab it when she left the room. It was the last day before a vacation. I sent her back to the school to look in the room she had been working in....it wasn't there and she couldn't find her teacher to ask for a new one. So we went into "fix it" mode...we asked a classmate to scan in the pages of the booklet so DD knew what she had to do and could do the work and then put it in the booklet when she got a new one. It worked out. She felt bad enough about forgetting it in the first place...she hasn't done that since, and she learned what to do if it happens again...no need to panic, figure out how to get what you need.
Because with DS, sometimes the information he needed just got lost in his brain...it's not there. And you can't be mad at him for that, so you have to learn how to deal with it instead. So if he forgets that we said we would be at the grocery store and freaks out when he finds himself alone, what can he do to get what he needs? He now has our cell numbers to call us and we write down appointments and such for each person on the whiteboard so he can always look and see....Oh, mom's at the doctor. And if it's not on the board, he can call and say "I forgot where you said you are. When will you be home?" We've had to learn to be very patient and also very detailed...you have to put the dots really close together and you can't take it for granted that he should know how to figure it out for himself. Like...you can't just say "Go dump those cupcake sprinkles in the sink." You have to say "Go look in the sink. If there's something in it, take it out and then you can dump the cupcake sprinkles in the sink and rinse your plate, then put whatever was in the sink back." (Yes....we did learn that one from experience.

) I feel really bad about some of my reactions when he was younger...it really wasn't his fault. I've had to learn a LOT, and I have a better understanding of the effect my mom's parenting had on me and how I want to do things differently.