Well, my mom was quite a bit older than most moms. She was already almost 40 when she had my brother and I. She was in her 60s when I got married. I don't think it was just a lack of filter with her. But things like...the guy I was dating in college. She was offended by his mother the first time they met. My mom was staunchly Missouri Synod Lutheran and no other denomination was acceptable to her. If we were on vacation and there was no LCMS church, we could go to an ELCA (evangelical Lutheran) or an Episcopal church, but she would not take communion. We could NOT go to a Catholic or Baptist church, etc and I wasn't allowed to set foot in a Mormon church, even if just for an activity and not a service. So my boyfriend's parents were non-denominational, but his mom said she would never allow her children to become Catholic, Lutheran, or Mormon. My mom was with her on the Catholic and Mormon, but was deeply offended by the Lutherans being included in her ban. So she took an immediate dislike to the relationship, which was exacerbated by the fact that I was not happy in the Lutheran church on campus and had stopped going and was looking for another church home. She viewed it as heresy and told me SHE had chosen Lutheran for me, and Lutheran I would remain. I told her my relationship with God was mine and to butt out. She decided it was his influence and she could barely be civil to me. My brother and I lived on the same floor of the same residence hall...just a lobby between us. She came to visit and my brother was working at the coffee shop across the street, so I decided to go there to make it easier on mom...she could find us BOTH there. I left a note on my door telling her where I was when she arrived. My friends and I went over and were sitting there and in walks my mom. She glares and comes and sits down and I said "Oh, good, you got my note." She said "No, I went by your brother's room and when he didn't answer, I figured he was probably here so I just came over. I didn't go to your room." Then she proceeded to pull out a 5 dollar bill, shove it in my friend's face and say "Go get me a coffee." No please, not at all a request, but a command. And this wasn't even my boyfriend...just a random friend, but anyone who was a friend of mine was public enemy #1 in her eyes at that point. He went and got her coffee because he's nice like that (and also, she was scary) and she didn't even thank him. The semester ended on Mother's day and I had invited her out to lunch. I had to move out of one dorm and into another for the Summer, so we were making trips with a luggage cart from one to the one next door...it was only about 15 minutes per trip...load up, walk next door, unload and come back. We were on the last load, I told her I'd be right back and we'd go to lunch. I came back 15 minutes later and no one was there. No note...I thought maybe she was in the bathroom...we waited. 2 hours later, she comes back with my brother and my roommate...they had gone to lunch...they didn't know how long I would be, so they decided not to wait. They hadn't thought to leave us a note so that we could meet them there....they didn't know yet where they were going to go anyway. So she ditched me for my roommate. Like I said...with my mom, you did not make your own decisions or go against what she wanted. You dressed as SHE wanted you to dress, you went to the church SHE chose, you did what SHE wanted or the consequences were severe. While she loved my husband, we never did quite fix our relationship before she died. There was always distance. She was angry that I wouldn't let her control my life, and I wasn't going to give in to her demands. My brother remained the golden child who could do nothing wrong and she could look past things she disapproved of with him in a way that she couldn't when it came to me. She never treated him coldly like she did with me, and she always sided with him on EVERYTHING. My car was burning transmission fluid and wasn't safe to drive...I was waiting until the mechanic could come pick it up. My brother called and asked if he could borrow my car because he needed to take his clothes to the laundromat. (he hadn't had the money to get his OWN car fixed) I explained that my car was broken down. He begged, I told him no. He called my mom. My mom called and read me the riot act, telling me that I wouldn't even be making it in college if it wasn't for him tutoring me. (UM...he knows NOTHING about Music...he was NOT tutoring me, and also...ouch....you really think I'm so dumb I can't possibly succeed on my own?) and how he had always done everything for me and the LEAST I could do is lend him my car. It wasn't like I was using it. I tried to explain that it was not safe and she wouldn't listen. She reminded me that it was her and my dad who had paid to have a rebuilt transmission put in the car on Thanksgiving weekend when I didn't have the money and needed to get back to school, and that I was now obligated to her and SHE wanted him to be able to use the car. I told her FINE, but if it cratered because HE didn't take care of it, HE was paying for the new transmission. So I called him back, told him he needed to check the transmission fluid EVERY TIME he turned it on...even if it was just to drive to the end of the street. There was fluid in the trunk, add it if it's low, which it will be. He assured me he would, yes, thank you so much, I'll get it back to you ASAP. 10 mins later he calls and says "I can't get the car to move!!" I asked...did you check the transmission fluid? "No...I was just going to the laundromat, I didn't think I needed to!" So I told him to put transmission fluid in and bring it back...he wasn't borrowing it. But my mom didn't care what it cost ME...if HE wanted something, I was supposed to give it, no matter what. He could do no wrong in her eyes, and I could do no right...in her eyes, I was being selfish. To her, I was just a constant disappointment because I didn't do things her way. I just didn't measure up. He was her pride and joy and there just wasn't enough pride and joy to cover me, too. My MIL actually enjoys spending time with me...we do things together by choice, not family obligation. And I appreciate that she loves me like a daughter, even though I'm not blood. She loves me in a way that my mother didn't seem able to. I'm very lucky to have her. As much as I loved my mom, and I DO miss her sometimes, I also know we'd never have had a great relationship. She wouldn't approve of how I'm raising my kids and I wouldn't have let her overrule me, so we would have clashed a lot. It's about respect...my mother's idea of respect was the child has to do what the parents want. My idea of respect goes both ways and doesn't involve either of us sacrificing our own happiness or health to please the other.
