I have mixed emotions on school children being their own advocate. I remember you having that issue with your son and all they expected him to do himself to advocate.
I was an advocate for my kids when need be. Most of the time I mentored them or role played. But with some of our staff a kid is no match in advocating for themselves with a school or staff on bigger issues. My DD had some known health issues that she now has well under control. They required her to always eat snacks during day and stay well hydrated also not to become overheated or she went splat. Well stay hydrated means bathroom breaks. She had a music teacher that flat out told her no-sit down. She was 6. I told her the next time that happened and was told no to any of health iep's to just walk out and go. And she did. Then Mommy Dearest stepped in. Most of the time the kids advocated fine as they got older but there are always a few teachers that made me want to pound my head into a wall. Her 4th grade teacher divided the gifted kids up into reading girls and math boys.
DD got perfect scores always on her achievement tests through high school in math. But cause she was a girl she was to be a reading girl??? blahhhhhhhh So glad when school was finished for them.
I'm with you...it depends on the situation, but in DD's case, it was that she wasn't taking ANY responsibility for herself...she was content to let mommy handle everything. Like, if they were going on a school trip and it didn't sound fun, she wanted ME to ask if she had to go, rather than talking to the teacher about it and telling her what her concerns were. Or if she had a disagreement with a friend, instead of talking it out with the friend, she wanted me to talk to the teacher. At the beginning of the year, there was a group project with 3 other kids and the other kids weren't doing their share. They were wanting DD to do the research for them and tell them what to type, and they would just type it. They were each supposed to do certain sections and they were responsible for researching, summarizing, and typing their own sections. 2 of the kids didn't do ANY of their work and then at the last minute, they announced that they would just take over DD's sections that she had done and present them. Obviously that's not what was meant to happen and DD had worked REALLY hard, so she said no. They kept insisting and she kept saying no. Rather than going to the teacher, she wanted ME to do it. That's when the teacher told me I wasn't doing her any favors, because those are skills she needed to learn herself...how to say no, and how to communicate with a supervisor when there's a problem, etc. So I backed off and had her do it herself...and now she's so much better for it. She's communicated a LOT with her teacher on things going on at recess or in the classroom...like, other kids getting bullied, etc. So she's gotten better at it. With DS, that doesn't work...he's communicated with the teachers and stood up for himself and it doesn't work...so THEN I go in mama bear mode. But he does TRY to handle it himself, where DD didn't.
As for that "gifted" program...wow....how worthless! Our school doesn't have a gifted program, but they have advanced groups for math, language, and reading...but you can be gifted in one area and not the others. DD and one other girl are the only kids who are in ALL the advanced groups. There are several kids who are only in the Math, or ONLY in the language one...and DD and this other girl are the only ones in the advanced reading. I like that better than just saying you have to be gifted in all areas to be in the gifted program. I was always GREAT with language, but poor in reading. I never made it into a gifted program because the tests involved a lot of reading. When I got to junior high, I got into advanced math. No reading necessary....I did well in math classes, so they put me in the program where we skipped the 2nd year of basic math and moved us to algebra instead, so we took each class a year early, which made room for calculus our senior year. That was the only thing I ever did that was close to a "gifted" program. My kids are both in the advanced groups, but there's no set "gifted" program and I like that. Any kid can be in an advanced group for something they are good at. They aren't left out because they aren't good at EVERYTHING.