Songbird76
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry that was your experience. It sounds so toxic. You didn't deserve that at all, and I'm glad you had more stable influences in your life. They obviously made a difference, and you are obviously very strong just on your own to be able to get away from that and make it on your own.
My mom wasn't like that....she loved me, but she was just too strict and she favored my brother and hated my dad. We were poor and I started working early because mom couldn't afford the things that were in style. If I wanted anything other than hand-me-downs, I had to buy them myself from the time I was about 13. I remember we had driven back to Illinois one year to visit her family, and we stopped at a Pamida on the way there or on the way home...anyway, I remember her saying my brother needed new pants. He was huge...over 6 foot 1" by that time (14 years old), and was probably around 250-300 lbs. There was no one to give him hand-me-downs. So we go to Pamida and she's buying all these new clothes for my brother. I REALLY wanted this pair of cotton stretch pants....like stirrup pants, but without the stirrups. They were really in style, and so comfy. But the money she had, she needed for his clothes. He'd worn holes in the pants between his thighs, so he needed new ones, and I didn't NEED new clothes, because I got things from friends and neighbors who had daughters a little older than me. So I had to buy my own while she bought his. I thought it was so unfair that he didn't have to use his own money to buy clothes, but I did. He could spend his money on fun things and I had to use mine for things like clothes and shampoo. I knew growing up that mom couldn't afford much, so if I was going to go to college, I was going to have to pay for it myself. So I always had a job. I saved all my birthday and christmas money....our relatives usually just sent money instead of a present. That's what I used to buy clothes, my prom dress, my cheerleading uniform, etc. Everything my brother needed was paid for by mom, because he always blew through whatever money he got before he got it. We wanted radios when I was in 4th grade. I think it must have been Christmas, and we each had about 80 bucks. So we went to town to shop for radios. I bought a simple one with just one cassette thing and a radio and had a lot left over to save for something else. My brother picked out a dual cassette recorder with graphic equalizer and all the bells and whistles that cost more than twice what mine did and I think he actually had to borrow a few dollars from mom or something to get it. Then he broke the antenna on mine that night because I couldn't figure out how to get it back down and he snapped it off. He had no money to pay to have it repaired and mom wouldn't make him pay me back because he didn't have any money left and it was an accident. So I got a broken radio while he got a nice expensive one, and then he got his clothes paid for and I had to buy my own because he didn't have money to buy his own and I had saved my money. And then it was always "Well, then you'll have to ask your dad to buy that for you because he doesn't give me that much in child support....I don't have the money to buy that, and he should be paying for half your upkeep anyway." It didn't feel right expecting my dad to pay for things all the time since he DID pay child support, and my dad's idea of buying clothes for me was to buy me leather work gloves and some heavy duty jeans that were about 6 sizes too big because then I had room to grow into them. (those jeans never did fit me. He bought boys jeans that were too long and didn't come up far enough in the back to go around my waist)
She wasn't mean like your mom sounds, but she just pampered my brother and I had to do without or pay my own way. And her rules were ridiculous for a nearly-adult girl. I was 17 and couldn't wear make-up, couldn't date, and my curfew was dark. So in the winter, I had to be home by about 5pm unless I was with my brother, or I was with an adult. I couldn't just go with my friends somewhere. My brother could, but I couldn't. I was allowed to go out if my brother was going, but not just with my friends. And since my brother's car was tiny and often broken down because he didn't take good care of it, he'd want to use my car, so I just said he could use it IF I could go along. That was the only way for me to have a somewhat normal social life. It wasn't like she made me feel like an inconvenience or a burden, just that I could tell she hated my dad and she wanted to punish him and she didn't want us to be anything like him. And I think that's why she favored my brother so much....he was a lot more like her and I was more like my dad. I was shy, but very friendly and always wanted to do things for other people and my mom thought of that as letting people take advantage of me. I was more likely to want to spend my money by going to the cafe and buying an order of fries to share with a friend once in a while, where my brother was more likely to blow all of his on some gadget he had to have. He never had money in his wallet, where I always did, and my mom didn't want me spending money on other people. I wasn't allowed to wear things she didn't like....so if she thought it looked ridiculous, I couldn't wear it. No 80s mall hair, none of those skirts with the short leggings under them, no dangly earrings, no pegged pants, no stonewashed jeans, nothing with a fringe on it....fringe was for prostitutes. She had this irrational fear that if I wore ankle boots or a coat with fringe on it, I would be assaulted because she considered those items to be "promiscuous." One of my best friends....she was LDS, who are known for being extremely conservative...my mom said she dressed too provocatively because her sweater wasn't baggy. There was no skin showing, nothing low cut or anything, but it was "too form-fitting" and would draw attention. But then again she also said the same friend was "all over her boyfriend" because she saw them holding hands. With my mom, it was all to protect me....she honestly was afraid of what would happen to me if I wore a shirt in which you could tell I had cleavage, or if I looked too attractive, or was out without a "chaperone". So I just wasn't allowed to do the things that normal teens do. Opposite extremes from you, from the sounds of it. Still damaging in its way, but not nearly as bad as what you went through. I wish you hadn't been subjected to that. Would it sound ridiculous if I said I'm proud of you, of what you've accomplished in your life and in the way you've handled yourself? You were delt a bad hand, but still won. That's pretty amazing.
Sorry....that was really long.
I had my blowers turned towards your place all winter
