Convincing Parents

[RobVanDam]

Sorry to create another thread, but I wanted more people to see this one than my other thread about planning a trip...

As I stated in my other thread my girlfriend and I are planning a trip to the World for January 2011. As we know, the rates are not available yet for 2011 so we do have some time to figure things out.....


Howwwwwevvvvveeeerrrrrrr,

My family is extremely excited about us going together and think its great since we'd be paying for everything ourselves.

Wellllll, her family on the other hand is a bit different. We haven't talked to them yet, but they're the kind of family that had a hard time letting her stay a weekend at my college (1 hour away). Let it be known at the time of the trip she will be 20 and I will be 22.

We sit here right now in the upper level of a Barnes and Noble planning our dream vacation together, complete with spreadsheet of possible/estimates/guesstimates/predictions/future prices, that way we know exactly how much we would need (If I knew how to post the spreadsheet, I would)

ANYWAY, we come here to the forums in search of ways that we can bring it up to her family and convince them to let us go.

Also, there is a small chance my Uncle might let us use a week of his timeshare and possibly let us stay at the OKW instead of POP. That'd be fantastic cause then we wouldn't have to pay for hotel and then expenses would be cheaper!!!..... That's semi off topic, but then again maybe not really..

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.:wave::wave:

 

[Mukta]

When you say let her go, do you mean give her money for the trip?

Otherwise, why would she need permission from them to go? She is an adult and what she does with her time and money are up to her.

If she is still financially dependant, she needs to become more independant. As long as they hold the purse strings, they will have a say in her life.
If she is just looking for emotional support/acceptance, she needs to ask herself why she needs that. What exactly is she looking for here?
She wants them to like you more and see you as a future partner?
She wants them to trust that she won't make stupid decisions with her body/mind/emotions?
She wants them to see her as an adult and give her more independence?

 

[RobVanDam]

I mean, my gf does still live with her parents yes, but she works and makes money.

However, her parents have to make every decision for her. She can't decide to anything unless her parents say its okay.

Let it be known when I say parents, I usually mean only her mom.

Let this be an example of how her mom is. They got into a small fight because my gf does not drive very often, and just yesterday they went out together in her mom's car, not hers but her moms, and her mom started freaking out that she wasnt driving correctly, and being the stereotypical parent in the front seat with their kid driving.

She told my gf she wasn't ready to drive yet. And she needs to get more practice and the only way to do that is by driving.... But she's not ready to drive yet.

Then after this small fight we were in B&N (see original post) planning out our trip, I decided to go over to her house for a little and her Mom ignored us. Didn't say hi, Didn't say good night, Flat out ignored...

See what we're dealing with?

 

[tampabrad]

Job or no job, if she lives under her mother's roof she lives by her mother's rules.

 

[The Mom]

Job or no job, if she lives under her mother's roof she lives by her mother's rules.

Very true. Until she is living on her own, and is financially independent, she has to abide by their rules.

You see it as a magical trip to WDW; her mother sees it as my daughter is going to be shacking up with some guy in a hotel that just happens to be at WDW. And don't be so sure that her mother is the one calling the shots - sometimes mom is actually conveying dad's message. I know my husband was much stricter with our daughter, but I was the one who did the talking. My father was the same way.

 

[ddbowdoin]

When you say let her go, do you mean give her money for the trip?

Otherwise, why would she need permission from them to go? She is an adult and what she does with her time and money are up to her.

If she is still financially dependant, she needs to become more independant. As long as they hold the purse strings, they will have a say in her life.
If she is just looking for emotional support/acceptance, she needs to ask herself why she needs that. What exactly is she looking for here?
She wants them to like you more and see you as a future partner?
She wants them to trust that she won't make stupid decisions with her body/mind/emotions?
She wants them to see her as an adult and give her more independence?

the whole 18 = adult = free is bogus in 2010. That is for people who leave high school and well, decide to go down the path less traveled. I don't care how many jobs you have or how many hours you work a day... if you go to college (specifically a private school) there's no way your financially dependent. so yes, if she's 20 and living at home then they have a say...

 

[Master Gracey 5]

My ex-gf's mother was very similar - didn't like the decisions her daughter made and often fought with her about her choices when she tried to be independent. Now my ex was a nice girl, smart and no crazier than any other female , but her mother was older and felt that her daughter should do things differently than she actually was. It doesn't matter how old and independent you are, when your parents don't trust and support your decisions, its no fun and can put you in difficult and unhappy situations.

Sounds like you are in a similar situation, except you're a few years younger than I. As tough as it may be for you, its not your family and there isn't much you can do but be supportive to your gf and let her make her decisions the way she feels she needs to. Be respectful of the parents because that can hurt your cause more than anything else.

I'd suggest you do your planning, then talk with them with your gf so they understand what this trip will include and how much it means to you. If you can show them the thought and work you two put into this trip, it might help them feel you're responsible enough to go and won't be so resistant.

Good luck.

 

[YoungNY]

I completely understand where you are. I'm in a similar boat. My boyfriend is 29 and he recently had to move back in with his aunts after he got layed off last year and had a hard time finding work again. We've been dating for almost a year and the first time he spent the night at my house, his aunts had a fit. When he went home it turned into a huge fight and they wouldn't let him leave the house. Now, I'm a very independent person, I'm an only child raised by a single father so I had to be. Even when I was living at home I did what I wanted when I wanted and my father never really had a problem. I was always responsibile and knew where to draw the line. I paid for my own food, phone, cable, car, school, etc... As well, I've always worked a full time job and sometimes I worked two. I told my father everything, but only out of respect not because I had to.

My boyfriends aunts insisted that they know where he was at all times, who he was with, how long he'd be gone, etc... He had to call home every couple of hours and spending the night was out of the question. I couldn't stand it. We went out to the bar one night and they called him around 11pm and told him to bring me home cause he shouldn't be keeping me out all night. That was it. No one tells me when to go home.

I'm four years younger than my boyfriend and my father sees me as a responsible adult, I make my own decisions and live a independant life. My father still give me advice and supports me in anyway he can, but if I make a choice he doesn't like, he'll tell me, but won't stop me because he knows I'll learn from my mistakes. I'm used to people treating me like an adult since I was 20, so when my boyfriend's aunts were still treating him like teenager at 29, I wouldn't stand for it.

I've had to have several serious talks with them and told them respectfully that he was a grown man and when he is with me they can be sure that he is safe and being responsible and I would appreciate it if they would back off a little. I spent some more time at thier house so they would get more comfortable with me and they seemed to like me.

Back in march, my boyfriend and I planned a trip to Atlantic City for a few days and since he didn't have a job then, his aunts once again tried to forbid him from going, saying it wasn't fair to me. I couldn't care less. I called them and told I would do what I want with me money and if he didn't go they would be ruining my trip and I had no intention of going without him. She let him go, but insisted that he pay me back. Oddly, they didn't call him for a few days.

After that trip, they loosen up, a lot. He also got a two jobs and now works more than 50 hours a week. If he's not at work, he's with me and spends as little time as possible under thier roof. They know that if they start trying to limit his freedom, he is always welcome at my house. He does what he wants now and they leave him alone for the most part.

Of course, I had to have a talk with him too. Being that his aunts are otherwise really nice people, I didn't believe they would just treat him like a child without reason. I told him, if he wanted to be treated like an adult then he had to step up to the plate and act like one. I shouldn't have to fight his battles for him. He needed to stand up an be a man and then maybe his aunts would see him as one.

Sorry for the long post, but I just sooo understand where you are coming from. I refused to let them rule our life. Now we are going to Disney in November and since I'm paying for the majority of the trip, I know they are going to say something, but they will get over it. I understand that because he lives with them, they should have some say, but they need to understand that as long as he is making good decisions, being responsible and working on getting his life back on track, they should have no problems letting him live his life.

Your girlfriends parents need to understand that sheltering her isn't going to help her grow up. Sometimes the only way to see if the little birdy can fly is to push them out of the nest. Try to show her parents that you are both repsonsible and can make good decisions. Plan your trip anyway. If it's the sharing a room thing that is a big issue, plan to stay in separte rooms. It's more expensive and incoinveint, but you'll still get to go on your trip. Take baby steps, take a day trip together, then a weekend trip and see how her family does with that first. Don't ask for money or permission, just tell them you're going. Do it completely independently, and they can't have any objection. Good luck!

 

[Dwarful]

I second what The Mom said. You might not want to hear this, but, did you think about making this a group trip? My husband & I met in high school. We dated for six years before getting married...had to get through college, & save up to buy a house. We did do some weekend trips with friends...float trips, road trips to Chicago to see a Blues/ Hawks game or a Cards/ Cubs game. We did a few Vegas trips to celebrate when we all turned 21. But we always had multiple rooms..now said parents had no idea if anyone really stayed in their 'appointed rooms'...but it gave them peace of mind. BTW we did stay in our appointed rooms cause we were usually staying out too late and getting up too early to have time to 'cheat the system'.

 

[Courtney1188]

As someone your age who has been to Disney with heir boyfriend recently...

Is your girlfriend still completely dependent on her parents? What I mean by that is, who pays her car insurance, cell phone bill, does she help with rent, etc. Because if her parents are still completely financially supporting her, I can see how they would have an issue with the fact that she has enough money for a Disney vacation, and not enough money to pay for some of her own bills.

However, if this is a situation where your girlfriend is fairly independent and pays for her own things, and simply lives with her parents still because they aren't ready for her to move out...you need to have a serious talk with her. Because do you really want to spend the rest of your life having her parents second-guessing all of your decisions, and her wanting you to talk to them about it and 'convince' them to 'let' you two do it your way? Relationships like that don't last unless the person with the difficult parents learns to stand up to them, and doesn't stick their significant other in the middle of these problems. If she wants to prove to them that she is mature enough to be treated like an adult, SHE needs to be the one discussing this with them. She needs to remain calm and respectful, but firm that this is what you two are planning.

I'm your age and went to Disney with my boyfriend in April. I do still live with my parents, basically out of respect for the fact that it would bother them greatly for me to move in with my boyfriend before we are married, and that is still a year or two down the road. However, I pay my own bills, hold down a job, and have proven myself to be responsible. When we began planning a Disney trip, it was never a matter of "Can we go?" I simply told them when we were thinking of planning a trip for, how we had arrived at a budget for it, and asked if they had any advice since they are both Disney fans as well. There was no permission involved.

If your girlfriend really feels that she needs her parent's permission, or if she is still financially dependent on them, sorry but I would put the trip off for another year or two.

 

[UnderTheSea221]

Hi everyone!

I'm the aforementioned girlfriend, and I really appreciate everything you've been suggesting.

I just need to clarify some things. Yes, I'll be 20 soon, and I have a full time job over the summer, but I'm still a financially dependent college student, and as long as I live with my family, I need to ask permission, or at least run things by them first. They almost always say yes, as long as it's reasonable. I'm not a huge fan of always having to ask first, but that's just the way it is.

They have not said no (considering we haven't mentioned this to them yet), but I really do think we have a chance at being allowed. As my boyfriend said, everything's pretty much planned out, we just need their OK.

I/we just need to work on preparing for when we do talk to my parents about this, and appreciate any suggestions you might have about convincing them.

Thanks so much!

 

[mp2bill]

There's not much you can do. My parents/Mom are/is like this too. Is your Mom Italian too? Whatever ethnicity, for some reason, as long as you're still living at home parents like to be involved on every decision you make.

The long held saying, "My house, my rules," is their biggest defense, which, in this case, makes no sense to me because if you're going on vacation, you're not in their house anymore. That's why I love owning my own house, because now when my parents come to visit, I get to flip the script and use the "My house, my rules," excuse when it comes to any decisions at all.

Now, if you were coming back to their house every night after going to the parks (which is unlikely since you live in NJ), the "living at home" defense would make sense because they would not want you to be inconsiderate, coming in late at night and whatnot.

In any case, if they say "No" at first, I'd look at it from a sales standpoint. After all, you're trying to sell the idea of the 2 of you going to WDW by yourself. Ask them, "What it would take for them to allow you to go to WDW by yourself?" A phone call every night? Photo updates to prove that you're OK? If they say, "You're not going because we say so," while this is a BS reason, you're SOL. Hope this helps!

 

[Master Gracey 5]

Thanks for the input UnderTheSea. Being in college it definitely makes it harder to be independent but if you show maturity and take the initiative it will definitely help.

I suggest pulling together your full planning of the trip and showing them how you've thought it through. With any luck that will convince them you are responsible enough that they can trust you and give their permission to go in January. Just be as reasonable and thorough as you can so they can't latch onto one particular aspect of your planning or trip and use that as the reason you can't go.

Hope it all works out for you!

 

[fosse76]

As far as I am concerned, if she is paying for the trip with her own money, her parents have no right to interfere. Let's assume they pay for her college, food, phone, etc. So what? They agreed to do that. She is an adult and has every right to go wherever she wants with her own money. It sounds like the mother has control issues.

 

[slappy magoo]

If you're an adult, you have no obligation to do what your parents tell you.

If they're financially supporting you, they have no obligation to continue doing so.

I'm glad you both seem to understand that, and I wish you luck in getting them to see things your way.

 

[Courtney1188]

As far as I am concerned, if she is paying for the trip with her own money, her parents have no right to interfere. Let's assume they pay for her college, food, phone, etc. So what? They agreed to do that. She is an adult and has every right to go wherever she wants with her own money. It sounds like the mother has control issues.

I can totally understand the view point of, "Okay, so I pay your college tuition because you can't afford to, but you can afford a trip to Disney World?" Her mom is probably trying to help her with tuition money so she can save her money for necessities such as a future car, house, etc. Not Disney World. It would be easy enough for her parents to STOP paying for her food, college, phone, etc., and she needs to be respectful of everything they're doing for her.

And she seems to be aware of that, from what I gather from her post. Yours is the one I consider to be off-base. A college student who is still a teenager and living with mom and dad...not quite an adult. Actively working on becoming one, but not quite there yet.

 

[lebeau]

If you're looking for people to say your girlfriend's parents are wrong, you're probably out of luck.

If you're looking for ways to convince them to let her go, it would probably help if we knew what their objections might be? Financial? Moral? Something else?

From the tone of the original poster's e-mails, I think you'll get a lot farther with her parents if you are more respectful of them. Based on what I'm reading, you sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder where they are concerned.

And if they object, postpone your trip. You'll be out of college before you know it and then you'll have all the time in the world to go to Disney. (You can even go during the off season which is a million times better than planning around school.)

 

[munkgirl]

My fiance is 29 and I'm 23. My mom is pretty relaxed, but we weren't allowed to sleep in the same bed in her house/her condo until after we got engaged. :lol: His grandparents let us sleep in the same bed the first time they met me, a few months after we started dating.

I agree that it's pretty much "My house my rules". Abiding by their rules is a good way to get the parents on your side. I don't know what your intentions are with your girlfriend, but if you want to keep her around, getting the parents on your side is #1 priority.

Have you tried asking her parents/family if they want to come? Do a big double family vacation?

 

[slappy magoo]

I can totally understand the view point of, "Okay, so I pay your college tuition because you can't afford to, but you can afford a trip to Disney World?" Her mom is probably trying to help her with tuition money so she can save her money for necessities such as a future car, house, etc. Not Disney World. It would be easy enough for her parents to STOP paying for her food, college, phone, etc., and she needs to be respectful of everything they're doing for her.

And she seems to be aware of that, from what I gather from her post. Yours is the one I consider to be off-base. A college student who is still a teenager and living with mom and dad...not quite an adult. Actively working on becoming one, but not quite there yet.

Not to mention, some parents may consider going on an expensive vacation when you can't financially support yourself to be a sense of misguided priorities. Careless financial planning. An omen of things to come...like being 35 and never moving out because you always blow potential mortgage down payment money on nonessential wants.

 

[RobVanDam]

Wow... This thread turned into a debate quickly, and wasn't what I wanted. Oh boy. haha.

@Lebeau - I suggest you read more than just my first 2 posts as my gf actually did post something, but I'll fill you in.

My 2nd post was out of total anger last night, and things have been taken care of since then which consisted of the gf(UnderTheSea221) and her mom screaming at each other, crying, etc, etc, etc.

Also, let it be known that I have graduated from college, and while I am not financially dependent, it is because my parents don't ask for anything. They expect to pay for my things until I get a full time job..

Well if you're unemployed who paid for college and how can you afford Disney???

I'm getting there... I paid for college, kinda. When my brother and I were born, my grandfather set up accounts for us, sort of assets/investments/trust funds type accounts. He set them up for our education and living. So that is where my college education came from + a whole heckuva lot of financial aid due to my parents being divorced.

3 years ago, my brother and I went to Disney using money from bank accounts that we had, but weren't allowed to touch because we weren't 21 yet (Well, now that I think about it he was.. but. That's not important)

I have saved money from the past couple of years, basically since me and my gf started dating in hopes of being able to go to Disney with her.

The problem really consists in her Mom. Her Dad, while we're not 100% sure he'd be okay with it, is a lot lot lot lot more lenient. Even when her Mom wouldn't even think about getting her birt...umm... a pill...... her Dad told her Mom to grow up and went out and got it for my gf, because he knew she was 18 at the time at she was responsible for whatever choices she wanted to make.

Another problem is, her mother feels the urge that she has to lie to the rest of the family (cousins, Aunts, Uncles, etc). For example, we live about 40 mins from NYC by train and do travel into the city from time to time. Whether it be for a show, or just to stroll in times square, or a YouTube gathering. Her mom has to lie to the rest of the family about where my gf because they wouldn't allow their own kids to go into NYC by themselves.

Another main problem is the fact that my gf's mother is in her second marriage, and absolutely regretted the first one. She said she rushed into things and ended up getting hurt. So she's afraid of my gf getting hurt by me, and that she's way too crazy about me (Awwwwwwwww :king at such a young age that she expects me to hurt her in some way.

It's just a long complicated thing. Yes, the mother did eventually come around with allowing my gf to come to my school for a weekend or letting me go to her school for a weekend. So I'm sure there's a way we can convince her into allowing us do this. She just feels the need to the compete with the rest of the family, and she doesn't want to be the one who does the "bad parenting."

Hope this clears things up a little...