Church Weddings or Not

[Yellow Shoes]

Sort of an unscientific poll, but I really would like your comments. You can answer from your real life wedding experiences, or, if you are single, what your preferences would be.

If you are not a member of a church, do you want to get married in a church?
Why?

Assume you are not a member of a church. You call a church and ask about being married there and they tell you that they only do weddings for members. How do you feel about that?

Do you think it is OK for a church to restrict weddings to members?

If you don't get married in a church (or anywhere on Disney property :lol: ), where do you get married? Who officiates? (clergy? judge? other?)

 

[tigsmom]

Well, I was married in the Church (you have to or it won't be recognized...Catholic). I have a friend who did not belong to any church, but her husband's family was Methodist. The minister refused to marry them because neither of them attended any church. They shopped around and ended up having to be married by a JP in the catering hall. His family wasn't happy.

Honestly, I think its ok to restrict weddings to practicing members, whether the belong to that church or another of the same denomination.

 

[pocahontas79]

Good question.

I am one who is not getting married in a church simply because I would feel uncomfortable in a church that I didn't belong to.

My alternative is an outdoor wedding at a State Park here in IL at a lodge tucked away in the woods. I like to think of it as my "Wilderness Lodge" in IL. But I am still up in the air about an officiant.

Perhaps I shall benefit from reading others opinions too!

:wave:

 

[Moonshadow1]

When we decided to get married I call six churches. (We are non members)
Not one turned us down
BUT
on average it was 800 to 1000 dollars to be married in a church
First there was a site fee
Then the clergy's fee
then a donation to make up for not being a member
then we get to the good stuff
75 an hour for premarital counseling a min. of 3 sessions (not hours sessions)
(you may need more if the clergy thinks you need it)
Then if you want a choir, organist, soloist, well guess what you had to use theirs in 4 of the churches
one even wanted to charge me for turning on the lights (lighting fee)
Like the decorations the church has out well if you want to use them there is a fee(I did not ask what they would charge me to move them so I could use my own)
And finally to add injury to insult they still expected a TIP after all is said and done.

So I will be married on the terrace overlooking the beach at the hotel where our reception is. site fee 200
Our friend we have known for 16 years will marry us. We paid 100 to have him become a notary republic. No hoops to jump through. no restrictions.

How has all this made me feel....
It has reenforced my belief that organized religion is a business and a wedding brings a chi ching to the mind of clergy.

people ask me why I am having a civil ceremony I simply say God wanted to much $$.

 

[scorp111]

I was married in a church the first time.... didn't work...


Second time married on the beach in Isle of Palms, SC.

Much better result..


To this point! :lol:

 

[SpongeScott]

Being in the minstry, I can tell you what the churches I have been in in the past have done. Weddings were allowed for non-church members, but there was a large deposit/fee that had to be placed. This was to cover damages, utilities, etc. There was precedence for this in the past, so I saw no problem for this. Members also had to pay a fee; some was refunded and some went to pay for custodial services (clean up, set up, takedown, etc.). There was no set fee for clergy or musicians; this was done with whatever the wedding party wanted to pay individuals.

As far as using a church, being a Baptist, we don't have to be married in a church for the marriage to be recognized as Tigsmom has pointed out. I have been involved with weddings in a chapel, at a marina, at a state park, at a botanical garden site. If the bride and groom and decide that they want to be married some place other than the church--and the wedding would be recognized/sanctioned, go for it! It's their day.

Who does the wedding outside of a church? Anyone the wedding party chooses that is qualified to do it. The bottom line is that the person must have the legal/official clout to sign the marriage license to make it stand up by the laws of the state.

Hope this helps. Just my two cents.

 

[Maria]

Our friend we have known for 16 years will marry us. We paid 100 to have him become a notary public.

That´s something that amazes me... (like when Joey married Monica and Chandler). Here in Mexico, the only people allowed to marry others (to make it valid, that is) are judges of the Civil Registry and priests (or pastors, or ministers) from the different religions.

If you are Catholic -which the majority here are- you have to be married in a Church, but you are required to be married by the civil registry too to be able to get married by the church. Sometimes people get the civil wedding days before, or the same day as the wedding by the church.

Personally, because I´m Catholic, I wouldn´t feel 'married married' if I don´t get married by the Church too. We are supposed to get married in the location you belong to (because of the area of the city where you live), so you need some kind of permission from that specific parish to get married at another one, but it´s always granted. The amonestations are at your church though, and goes the same for your couple. You can pick the priest, that´s no problem and it´s customarily that you give him some money for that too. The most expensive Church here, charges around $200usd for the ceremony, but flowers are on your own, as well as the music or choir that you pick, it doesn´t have to be the one from that church. People sometimes share the flower expenses with the other couples having their ceremonies the same day.

 

[TAC]

My wife and I got married in our church. Two years later, it cost my sister-in-law twice as much, to $450 (same church). Last year, my brother-in-law got married in the same church. Same price as my sister-in-law, but at the last minute, the chruch called and said that they would have to come and clear the stage/alter if they wanted it cleared (Gee, I thought there was a facillities fee, just for that reason).

In the last few years, since I started running the sound board once/month, I can understand why prices have increased, etc. $175 of the fee goes to the sound person. Why? Because practice for the weekend worship service is on Wednesday or Thursday night. So, if the wedding rehearsal is Friday night, and the bride wants the stage cleared, the sound person has to remove all the band instruments, etc, set up the organist (and possabily other singers, etc.), get the levels correct Friday night, be back for the wedding on Saturday, tear down his stuff, and re-set up the worship setup for Satuday.
(LOTS of work).

 

[The Mom]

I was married in a church, but not my own. :animwink: I hadn't attended my own church for a number of years, as I didn't feel comfortable with "the powers that be." (Long story...it was the late 60s, early 70s)

My husband was Episcopalian, but we would've had to attend premarital classes for several weeks, and my husband's schedule was just too hectic! (2nd year surgical resident with 36 hour days!!!)

We were married in the First Unitarian Church in Providence. It is a lovely, historical church; Brown University's Medical school had graduations there. There was a set fee (modest) and of course I had to pay the organist, soloist, and minister.

I was 25, my husband was 30. The minister said "If you don't know what you're doing by now, you never will." :lol: Of course, people got married at a younger age back then.

We'll be married 29 years in Nov., so I guess he was right.

I'm sure it varies from church to church, but at ours members do not pay a fee for the facilities themselves, only for the organist, minister, etc. For my father's funeral, I only paid an honorarium to the minister and organist.

Unfortunately, churches have bills to pay. There are many, many, people who are only interested in "hatching, matching, and dispatching" (Christenings, weddings, and funerals), do not attend or contribute to the church on a regular (if at all) basis, but expect the church to be there when they want it.

 

[barnum42]

Well, I have still to cross the first hurdle of getting married – meeting “Miss Right” :lol:

However, as I have lost my faith I would only get married in a church / other place of worship if it tied in with the bride’s faith.

I may have lost my faith, but I will still show respect to those who have it, consequentially it’s my opinion that if both partners do not believe in God then you have no business getting married in a church.

 

[SpongeScott]

Unfortunately, churches have bills to pay. There are many, many, people who are only interested in "hatching, matching, and dispatching" (Christenings, weddings, and funerals), do not attend or contribute to the church on a regular (if at all) basis, but expect the church to be there when they want it.

100% correct, Marcia. You have hit the nail on the head. Thank you for understanding how it happens sometimes. :wave:

 

[Erika]

We got married at my Church- the same one where I made my baptism, first communion, reconciliation, and confirmation. So that was pretty cool. With both of us being Catholic, religion was not a problem.

We were also supposed to do the pre-marital counseling, which I honestly do think is a good idea for many people. There are a lot of questions that sometimes do not come up until it is too late. With John being the great communicator that he is (like a woman sometimes!) we really didn't have that problem. We skipped pre-cana and met with our pastor instead, who gave us a little test to take and then talked with us for a while about our answers. He was impressed at how compatible we were- well, I could have told him that

Our fee ("donation") was minimal- only about $200. Then we invited our pastor to the reception and he gave us a check for $25 :lol: So that puts us down to $175. Then again, it was a Sunday wedding so the price might have been higher for the day before, I'm not sure.

That did not include the musicians, who were separate.

I stood up in a wedding last fall where the bride and groom were of different faiths. The bride was raised Catholic and her priest had no trouble marrying them. BUT the groom's mother, who is Jewish, did not want them married in a church. So then they asked the rabbi, who said "I'd convert her first." No go there. They ended up having a non-religious wedding ceremony at the reception site. It all ended up ok, but it was a mess trying to figure things out in the beginning!

 

[JBSLJames]

We skipped pre-cana and met with our pastor instead, who gave us a little test to take and then talked with us for a while about our answers. He was impressed at how compatible we were- well, I could have told him that

Very similar to our experience. We took a little test and checked out very well. Some things, of course, were in line with each other, but where one of us had a weakness, the other had a strength. Still working out great :sohappy:

As for getting married in a Church, I do think Barnum nailed it. If you and your prosepctive spouse are not church goers to begin with, and do not follow a particular faith, then you REALLY SHOULDN'T be married in a church setting.

I believe that married is an institution, blessed by God. It is his plan for us to marry and have children, and raise those children in the learning of God's ways. An awesome responsibility that can not be taken lightly.

And yes, there are costs associated with the use of the church. We had a pastor's fee and a janitorial fee that was mandatory and we paid the planner, the musicians, and those who helped set up. My wife has gone to this church since she was in the nursery and at the time of our wedding, I had been a member for over 4 years.

I would gladly compare the prices of the wedding to that of the reception.

Of the two, which do you think is most important?

 

[tigsmom]

I stood up in a wedding last fall where the bride and groom were of different faiths. The bride was raised Catholic and her priest had no trouble marrying them. BUT the groom's mother, who is Jewish, did not want them married in a church. So then they asked the rabbi, who said "I'd convert her first." No go there. They ended up having a non-religious wedding ceremony at the reception site. It all ended up ok, but it was a mess trying to figure things out in the beginning!

My brother married a Jewish girl. They had to do pre canna. My brother attends Church every Sunday and on Holy days (when able) so marrying outside of the church was not an option for him. His wife was basically non practicing, except for holidays. Her family wanted a rabbi but he wouldn't go to a Catholic church. The had to get special permission from his diocese to marry elsewhere...they chose the catering hall. They had a priest & rabbi blend the ceremonies & it was quite beautiful.


As far as paying for services...I've been married 22 years & the ceremony was done in my parish (in a small town). The fee was $200; that covered cleaning, utilities, etc. We had to hire an organist/singer because the one from our church was going to be out of town...$100 and she never showed up!
(the parish organist would have been covered under the $200 fee) We paid for our own flowers...small bouquet for the statue of the Virgin Mary,
and 2 baskets for the altar...$250 total. We left our flowers for the Church to use for that week's decorations, but we could have taken them with us.

 

[barnum42]

I stood up in a wedding last fall...

No pews at the venue?

Seriously, this is not a term I have encountered = "Stood up in a wedding". Care to educate me?

 

[tigsmom]

To be the witness...maid/matron of honor or best man.

 

[barnum42]

.. Her family wanted a rabbi but he wouldn't go to a Catholic church. The had to get special permission from his diocese to marry elsewhere....

This is the sort of thing that contributed to my loss of faith. Both faiths mentioned in this tale supposedly have some common ground in their beliefs in the Bible and God. One of those is “do unto others…” as well as “love thy neighbour”. It all seems a bit petty to not bless the wedding because the bride has chosen to play at an away venue!

I am glad to read that this particular wedding came together and all had a good time.

 

[tigsmom]

This is the sort of thing that contributed to my loss of faith. Both faiths mentioned in this tale supposedly have some common ground in their beliefs in the Bible and God. One of those is “do unto others…” as well as “love thy neighbour”. It all seems a bit petty to not bless the wedding because the bride has chosen to play at an away venue!

I am glad to read that this particular wedding came together and all had a good time.

Unfortunately, the marriage only lasted 5 years, but produced 2 beautiful & talented daughters (now 21 & 18) who are a great asset to both families.

 

[barnum42]

To be the witness...maid/matron of honor or best man.

I was guestimating that was the definition, thanks for the clarification.

 

[wdwhoneymooner]

DW and I were married at the chapel of our alma matter. Services were performed by my best friend's father, a minister who received his Phd in theology from the same university. So far so good!