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Caution! Thread not for sensitive people.

General Grizz

New Member
Original Poster
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them... Santa would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

And don't forget to watch this special holiday video! - it's especially for you, Jerry. ;)
 

Gregory

New Member
He's the Grizz that Ruined Christmas!

You're a mean one, Mr. Grizz.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Grizz.


You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.


You're a monster, Mr. Grizz.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Grizz.


I wouldn't touch you, with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.
 

FigmentJedi

Well-Known Member
Silly Grizz.... Santa has more then one sleigh. He has an entire fleet of them to get all those presents delivered and those ones are piloted by the other members of his family and some of the higher ups within the Elves.
 

Gregory

New Member
Tahu said:
Silly Grizz.... Santa has more then one sleigh. He has an entire fleet of them to get all those presents delivered and those ones are piloted by the other members of his family and some of the higher ups within the Elves.

You shouldn't have said that.. lol... It reminded me of a joke I got in my e-mail today...

A final contribution from Santa Claus....

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida,
Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Mississippi, Texas, and Alabama on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelmingly huge current population of
the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:
********************
1. There is no danger of the Grinch's stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave Coca Cola and pork rinds [or a Moon
Pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe.
He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty
spittoon handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of
lending him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overhangs Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd
dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll
see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other
way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
 

no2apprentice

Well-Known Member
And what is the root of the name Santa Claus? SAINT Nicholas. Now you know how he got the Sainthood...defying the laws of physics. :sohappy: :xmas:
 

surfsupdon

Well-Known Member
I knew I should not have completed reading that post, geesh. ;)

Santa is magical, and as long as you believe and have faith, anything is possible.

I still hear the bells. :cool: :xmas:
 

Lauriebar

Well-Known Member
Um....there's one little thing you forgot to figure into your little equations...Santa's complete mastery of the space/time continuum...DUH!!!
 

Woody13

New Member
Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus!





[font=Arial, Helvetica]Editorial Page, New York Sun, 1897[/font]


[font=Arial, Helvetica]We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:[/font]



[font=Arial, Helvetica]Dear Editor--- [/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica]I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus? [/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica]Virginia O'Hanlon [/font]


[font=Arial, Helvetica]Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge. [/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica]Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished. [/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica]Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to have men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive of imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world. [/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica]You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest mean, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. [/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica]No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood. [/font]
 

J.E.Smith

Well-Known Member
...okay something tells me Grizz didn't come up with all that by himself. He doesn't usually do dark stuff like that.

Besides, Santa doesn't do all the work. Here's the last chapter of L. Frank Baum's The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus.

3. The Deputies of Santa Claus

However, there was one evil following in the path of
civilization that caused Santa Claus a vast amount of trouble
before he discovered a way to overcome it. But, fortunately,
it was the last trial he was forced to undergo.

One Christmas Eve, when his reindeer had leaped to the top of
a new building, Santa Claus was surprised to find that the
chimney had been built much smaller than usual. But he had no
time to think about it just then, so he drew in his breath and
made himself as small as possible and slid down the chimney.

"I ought to be at the bottom by this time," he thought, as he
continued to slip downward; but no fireplace of any sort met
his view, and by and by he reached the very end of the
chimney, which was in the cellar.

"This is odd!" he reflected, much puzzled by this experience.
"If there is no fireplace, what on earth is the chimney good
for?"

Then he began to climb out again, and found it hard work--the
space being so small. And on his way up he noticed a thin,
round pipe sticking through the side of the chimney, but could
not guess what it was for.

Finally he reached the roof and said to the reindeer:

"There was no need of my going down that chimney, for I could
find no fireplace through which to enter the house. I fear
the children who live there must go without playthings this
Christmas."

Then he drove on, but soon came to another new house with a
small chimney. This caused Santa Claus to shake his head
doubtfully, but he tried the chimney, nevertheless, and found
it exactly like the other. Moreover, he nearly stuck fast in
the narrow flue and tore his jacket trying to get out again;
so, although he came to several such chimneys that night, he
did not venture to descend any more of them.

"What in the world are people thinking of, to build such
useless chimneys?" he exclaimed. "In all the years I have
traveled with my reindeer I have never seen the like before."

True enough; but Santa Claus had not then discovered that
stoves had been invented and were fast coming into use. When
he did find it out he wondered how the builders of those
houses could have so little consideration for him, when they
knew very well it was his custom to climb down chimneys and
enter houses by way of the fireplaces. Perhaps the men who
built those houses had outgrown their own love for toys, and
were indifferent whether Santa Claus called on their children
or not. Whatever the explanation might be, the poor children
were forced to bear the burden of grief and disappointment.

The following year Santa Claus found more and more of the
new-fashioned chimneys that had no fireplaces, and the next
year still more. The third year, so numerous had the narrow
chimneys become, he even had a few toys left in his sledge
that he was unable to give away, because he could not get to
the children.

The matter had now become so serious that it worried the good
man greatly, and he decided to talk it over with Kilter and
Peter and Nuter and Wisk.

Kilter already knew something about it, for it had been his
duty to run around to all the houses, just before Christmas,
and gather up the notes and letters to Santa Claus that the
children had written, telling what they wished put in their
stockings or hung on their Christmas trees. But Kilter was a
silent fellow, and seldom spoke of what he saw in the cities
and villages. The others were very indignant.

"Those people act as if they do not wish their children to be
made happy!" said sensible Peter, in a vexed tone. "The idea
of shutting out such a generous friend to their little ones!"

"But it is my intention to make children happy whether their
parents wish it or not," returned Santa Claus. "Years ago,
when I first began making toys, children were even more
neglected by their parents than they are now; so I have
learned to pay no attention to thoughtless or selfish parents,
but to consider only the longings of childhood."

"You are right, my master," said Nuter, the Ryl; "many
children would lack a friend if you did not consider them, and
try to make them happy."

"Then," declared the laughing Wisk, "we must abandon any
thought of using these new-fashioned chimneys, but become
burglars, and break into the houses some other way."

"What way?" asked Santa Claus.

"Why, walls of brick and wood and plaster are nothing to
Fairies. I can easily pass through them whenever I wish, and
so can Peter and Nuter and Kilter. Is it not so, comrades?"

"I often pass through the walls when I gather up the letters,"
said Kilter, and that was a long speech for him, and so
surprised Peter and Nuter that their big round eyes nearly
popped out of their heads.

"Therefore," continued the Fairy, "you may as well take us
with you on your next journey, and when we come to one of
those houses with stoves instead of fireplaces we will
distribute the toys to the children without the need of using
a chimney."

"That seems to me a good plan," replied Santa Claus, well
pleased at having solved the problem. "We will try it next
year."

That was how the Fairy, the Pixie, the Knook and the Ryl all
rode in the sledge with their master the following Christmas
Eve; and they had no trouble at all in entering the
new-fashioned houses and leaving toys for the children that
lived in them.

And their deft services not only relieved Santa Claus of much
labor, but enabled him to complete his own work more quickly
than usual, so that the merry party found themselves at home
with an empty sledge a full hour before daybreak.

The only drawback to the journey was that the mischievous Wisk
persisted in tickling the reindeer with a long feather, to see
them jump; and Santa Claus found it necessary to watch him
every minute and to tweak his long ears once or twice to make
him behave himself.

But, taken all together, the trip was a great success, and to
this day the four little folk always accompany Santa Claus on
his yearly ride and help him in the distribution of his gifts.

But the indifference of parents, which had so annoyed the good
Saint, did not continue very long, and Santa Claus soon found
they were really anxious he should visit their homes on
Christmas Eve and leave presents for their children.

So, to lighten his task, which was fast becoming very
difficult indeed, old Santa decided to ask the parents to
assist him.

"Get your Christmas trees all ready for my coming," he said to
them; "and then I shall be able to leave the presents without
loss of time, and you can put them on the trees when I am
gone."

And to others he said: "See that the children's stockings are
hung up in readiness for my coming, and then I can fill them
as quick as a wink."

And often, when parents were kind and good-natured, Santa
Claus would simply fling down his package of gifts and leave
the fathers and mothers to fill the stockings after he had
darted away in his sledge.

"I will make all loving parents my deputies!" cried the jolly
old fellow, "and they shall help me do my work. For in this
way I shall save many precious minutes and few children need
be neglected for lack of time to visit them."

Besides carrying around the big packs in his swift-flying
sledge old Santa began to send great heaps of toys to the
toy-shops, so that if parents wanted larger supplies for their
children they could easily get them; and if any children were,
by chance, missed by Santa Claus on his yearly rounds, they
could go to the toy-shops and get enough to make them happy
and contented. For the loving friend of the little ones
decided that no child, if he could help it, should long for
toys in vain. And the toy-shops also proved convenient
whenever a child fell ill, and needed a new toy to amuse it;
and sometimes, on birthdays, the fathers and mothers go to the
toy-shops and get pretty gifts for their children in honor of
the happy event.

Perhaps you will now understand how, in spite of the bigness
of the world, Santa Claus is able to supply all the children
with beautiful gifts. To be sure, the old gentleman is rarely
seen in these days; but it is not because he tries to keep out
of sight, I assure you. Santa Claus is the same loving friend
of children that in the old days used to play and romp with
them by the hour; and I know he would love to do the same now,
if he had the time. But, you see, he is so busy all the year
making toys, and so hurried on that one night when he
visits our homes with his packs, that he comes and goes among
us like a flash; and it is almost impossible to catch a glimpse
of him.

And, although there are millions and millions more children
in the world than there used to be, Santa Claus has never been
knownto complain of their increasing numbers.

"The more the merrier!" he cries, with his jolly laugh; and
the only difference to him is the fact that his little workmen
have to make their busy fingers fly faster every year to
satisfy the demands of so many little ones.

"In all this world there is nothing so beautiful as a happy
child,"says good old Santa Claus; and if he had his way the
children would all be beautiful, for all would be happy.
 

Figment1986

Well-Known Member
Ok Grizz for that lovely physics formula.... Here is your reward.. Homework for the rest of your life.. call physics and complicated math equations.......

As for the bad jokers... a small lump of coal next to your huge present... in fact the coal can fit inside the present with more room to go....
 

WDWFREAK53

Well-Known Member
Grizz...listen to Cheech & Chong a little more.

You forgot to add one MAJOR factor into your "equation!"

MAGIC DUST!!!

A little bit for da reindeer...a little to Santa Claus...a little bit more to Santa Claus...a little bit MORE for Santa Claus...
 

Legacy

Well-Known Member
Well, the reindeer actually use performance enhancing drugs, so that explains why 8 of them can pull so much weight, so quickly, and avoid bursting into flames.
 

WDWFREAK53

Well-Known Member
Legacy said:
Well, the reindeer actually use performance enhancing drugs, so that explains why 8 of them can pull so much weight, so quickly, and avoid bursting into flames.

Don't tell Santa...he may try to get out of the contract with them.
 

Kadee

New Member
:lol: :lol: :xmas: :lol: :lol:


I needed this!! This thread is too funny! Good stress reliever, Grizz! And being that I am from the South, the Bubba Claus post is quite amusing......and accurate!!!!:lookaroun
 

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