working out for Disney

Songbird76

Well-Known Member
Hello-

I am in Phoenix and I have been here since Sat. Got off to a bumpy start, but it's ok now. I was unwell the first 2 days, I think b/c of travel stress then excessive heat. I haven't been too active, but we went on a guided sunrise hike yesterday. Honestly, I just want to chill. My sinuses feel great though! lol

There was a big dust on Monday. They don't give you much warning. We went to pick up a pizza when the alerts started coming through our phones. We got back just in time. It got so dark and I went to open the hotel room door because I wanted to see what was going on outside and it blew the door open. We had to put a towel in front of the door because so much dust was coming through. There was a ground stop at PHX. This is a photo of the storm. That's dust, not mountains (behind the mountain on the right). There were some gnarly t-storms behind it too.

View attachment 879731

I am on the fence about coming back here in August. It is searingly hot and the sun is still quite intense. But it's dead and there are maybe 20 odd people at the pool everyday. So, you're not fighting for a chair. They are good at keeping you hydrated at the pool; they come around with large plastic jugs of ice water every 15-20 minutes, urging you to drink. I have never been so hydrated in my life lol Out of curiosity, I looked at how much it was to rent a cabana and it was crazy cheap. So, we rented one for today. It's worth it for the shade.

Just a weird aside, there are quite a few people from France staying here and it's not a tour group. I really wasn't expecting to see people visiting the US right now, given the travel warnings.

Here is one more photo I took on my hike yesterday.
View attachment 879743
That sandstorm was on the news here! It looked really bad! I didn't realize you were there right now, but I'm glad you are ok.

There are travel advisories all over the place telling people to be realistic with traveling to the US, that it's possible you won't be let in, that your phone might be confiscated, etc. I think there are a lot of people not willing to try it, but there will always be a few, I guess.

I may be skating close to taboo subjects, but I kind of wonder if there might not be a boycott of the olympic games in 2028. I'm sure a lot of money is going into building facilities for it and if it's boycotted, it will have some major impacts on the economy that is relying on the tourism, etc. I guess we'll see. We have a few years.
 

Songbird76

Well-Known Member
I've thought about it; however, in discussing with a friend who has known us for years and has some more of the nitty gritty details...he'd never go. He's one of those man-child people who cannot handle being wrong. Not that I'd expect a therapist to tell him he's wrong, but the slightest hint of him being steered to change his ways and he gets defensive. As he puts it, "You know what you signed up for." Even when I've found angles to make him more receptive, he's horrible about following through long term. I might see a week or two of improvement and once he thinks I'm placated enough, he goes back to whatever he was (or wasn't) doing.

It's not so much tolerating them, but I've got a few friends who felt it reignited the "pleaser" side to them after they were on it for a bit. They said the fog had at least lifted but it had made them less combative/argumentative, to the point that they felt like they were ushering back in some of what they were trying to curb. I have always had side effect/inverse type reactions to many meds, so it concerns me with my history.

I never made what I had in mind. I just wound up buying a Pepperidge Farms coconut cake and topping it with cut up Almond Joys. I can try and write out what I was planning on doing had I baked:

The cake basics:
3 Cups of All Purpose Flour
3 Cups of Granulated Sugar
3 Sticks of Unsalted Butter
6 Large Eggs
1/4 TSP Baking Powder
1/4 TSP Salt
1 Cup of Sweetened Coconut Cream (like the kind used for mixed drinks- I like Goya's)
Coconut milk at the ready to get it to your desired consistency (I tend to go on the dense side)
1/2-1 tsp extract - I often stick with vanilla to balance the flavor but you could get coconut extract
Bakers Joy to coat cake pans
*I do not use shredded coconut in the cake itself because I like my coconut cake to have a smooth texture, just like a plain pound cake. The coconut cream and milk make this possible

- Cream the butter and sugar
- Add in eggs one by one until fully incorporated
- Technically should have dry ingredients combined/sifted in a separate bowl and add in a bit at a time, alternating with the coconut cream/milk, until fully mixed... making sure not to overmix.
- I usually add the extract last so I can taste the batter to make any final tweaks
- Bake at 325 until done *depends on the oven. My old oven was more in the 35 minute range while the current is more like 42-45. I just start monitoring around 30 and use a toothpick to test as the center starts looking done.
- Once done, you can level them while they're still in the pans and then remove them once sufficiently cooled.

This is supposed to be a pound cake, so I go slow with the cream and milk because I want it to be dense enough to still stick to the beater. i.e. I do not want it dripping off like a looser cake mix.

The ganache:
It's a pretty basic ganache that I had in mind, although...I planned to mix dark and milk chocolate to be closer to the candy bar. This is a decent tutorial if you've never made a pourable ganache.
*no recipe here, but I planned to "sprinkle" the top with almonds (probably slivered or chopped). I had not decided yet if I was going to leave them raw or toast them, but toasting would probably make them hold up better as they can get mushy when exposed to moisture for a while.

The frosting:
I tend to go for variations on American buttercream. I don't have specific measurements, but I start with 1 stick of unsalted butter that I whip for a minute or two, about 1/4 tsp of salt, and add in whipping or heavy cream as well as powdered sugar until I'm at my desired consistency. I'm usually looking for a crusting buttercream, so less liquid to make sure it sets up a bit hard. I wanted almond flavor for this cake. Bare minimum, I was looking at adding in almond extract instead of vanilla; however, I considered tossing some warmed marzipan into the mixture to give it more depth. I was just using it to crumb coat and dam the layers, so it didn't need to be pretty.

The filling:
Here's where things got iffy as I found a number of random recipes. The one that made the most sense and seemed the least contrived was mixing unsweetened shredded coconut with sweetened condensed milk and then salt + vanilla to taste. I saw one note on this recipe saying powdered sugar might be good to have handy if you want it sweeter but don't want to add any more moisture with extra sweetened condensed milk. This is another one of those without specific measurements where you add until you obtain the desired texture/density. I was going for filling, so I needed it more on the dense side.
I have to wonder if menopause is a huge factor in the divorce rate. We get older and are no longer willing to put up with the things we put up with when our children were small. I read recently that one of the hormones your body STOPS producing when you are no longer in your child bearing years is a hormone that makes you more patient and forgiving, because children are hard and they push boundaries. When you stop producing that hormone, you aren't as tolerant of bad behavior. It certainly makes sense if it's true. And I know my husband has some behavior that just drives me batty now. When we were living with his parents when I first moved here, I remember his mom was really pushing me to ride a bike to school instead of walking, because Dutch people ride bikes and if I didn't ride a bike, people would know I'm not Dutch. I don't care if people know I'm not Dutch....it's not important to me. And I don't like bike riding. I would rather walk half an hour than ride a bike for 15 minutes. My school was about a 15 minute walk, but she was insistent that I ride a bike because it would only take 5 minutes. I didn't WANT to ride a bike, and I kept telling her that. I told my husband it was driving me nuts and I needed her to back off. He told me just to do what he does....the way to handle his mom is to tell her what she wants to hear and then do what you want to do. Just agree to whatever she says, and then ignore it. She'll stop nagging for a while and then when she brings it up again in a few months, you just agree with her again and then continue ignoring it. So I I just said "Ok, sounds good." when she said I should ride a bike to school the next time, and then as soon as he walked in the door that night from work, she told him immediately to take me out and teach me to ride a bike, because I wanted to ride to school. So it didn't work at all. But I've learned that that's his way of dealing with everyone. He doesn't argue....he just agrees with you, and then does what he wants anyway. So if we are planning to visit his parents and I ask him what time he wants to leave the next day, he'll say "I don't have a plan....whenever." And then when I say "Maybe we should leave at 9 and grab some breakfast on the way, then we're there by 10:30 when they've finished breakfast" and he'll say "Sounds good" and then the next day, I'm ready to go at 9 and he's still lying in bed playing on his computer, not having showered or anything.

All the things we agreed to before we were married, he hasn't followed through on. We agreed to live in the US because I didn't speak Dutch and my degree can't be used here because they don't have music in schools the way we do. We agreed to have 3 kids...we even picked out names. We agreed that he'd do the dishes and mow the lawn and I would do laundry and ironing. We agreed that we'd divide the household chores based on who was working full time, part time, or not at all. Then as soon as we got married, he said he wanted to move back here. And after A was born, he said he was content and we were done having kids. He wouldn't even discuss it with me...he had already decided. First, he said he wouldn't wash my baking dishes anymore. Then he decided the kids were old enough to do chores, and the chore they were going to do was dishes. And he made excuses not to mow the lawn until I got tired of the grass being a foot tall and mowed it myself....he never touched the lawn mower again. So that's his go-to thing....tell me "I'll do it this weekend" and hope that I forget, and if I don't, he'll say "I'm too tired today. I'll do it tomorrow." and then tomorrow he'll not be feeling well....he'll do it on the weekend. And then on the weekend, it's time we visited his parents. There's always a reason not to do it. He just says what he has to say to get me to stop "nagging". Kind of like you said things will get better for a while, and then they will just go back to the same old bad behavior. And it's always been frustrating, but now it makes me so angry!!! And if I could support myself here, I'd probably leave. But I can't. And at the moment, I don't think it would be good for me to try going back to the US. Not to mention I don't want to be far away from my kids, and THEY don't want to live in the US. So I'm kind of stuck here. I asked to go to counseling....he agreed to it, and then it never happened. And I doubt it would help, because he'd just agree to whatever I said and then ignore it. And in the end, I still really do love him....it's just the brushing me off like he's in charge and I just have to go with it that drives me up a wall.

I guess what it comes down to is what/how much are you willing to live with? Is his behavior a deal breaker for you? And would the HRT make you happier even it meant tolerating some of the bad behavior? Would you be more content and would that be worth it? And what's the alternative? I can live with the behavior so that I can live in a safer country and be with my kids. For now, it's worth it, and I don't have a viable alternative that would offer that. So I'm content. But I can certainly understand if you were to say that it's not worth it for you. And if he wouldn't be receptive to therapy or to making changes....then you have to decide what that means for you. I hope you can find a solution that works for you. I think sometimes there is no perfect solution and you have to settle for whatever works the best. Sorry for the novel....I just empathize completely.
 

Sans Souci

Well-Known Member
It's not so much tolerating them, but I've got a few friends who felt it reignited the "pleaser" side to them after they were on it for a bit. They said the fog had at least lifted but it had made them less combative/argumentative, to the point that they felt like they were ushering back in some of what they were trying to curb. I have always had side effect/inverse type reactions to many meds, so it concerns me with my history.
Thank you for the cake recipe. 🙏

I could see that happening. It was an unintended side effect I never considered it. I was on it, but I am on a break because my nurse practitioner kept pushing me to higher doses when I felt so much better at the lowest dose. I wanted to be on it for the protective health benefits for your heart, your bones, your brain. It began to seriously mess with my stomach, plus she was kind of MAHA as she was blaming my antidepressants for my anxiety and urging to come off of them, telling me I probably didn't need to be on them "like most people who take them.". :rolleyes: So, I am starting over a with new NP. I'll stick to my regular MD for antidepressant expertise. There's a time and a place for NPs and there's a time and a place for MDs.
 

Sans Souci

Well-Known Member
That sandstorm was on the news here! It looked really bad! I didn't realize you were there right now, but I'm glad you are ok.

There are travel advisories all over the place telling people to be realistic with traveling to the US, that it's possible you won't be let in, that your phone might be confiscated, etc. I think there are a lot of people not willing to try it, but there will always be a few, I guess.

I may be skating close to taboo subjects, but I kind of wonder if there might not be a boycott of the olympic games in 2028. I'm sure a lot of money is going into building facilities for it and if it's boycotted, it will have some major impacts on the economy that is relying on the tourism, etc. I guess we'll see. We have a few years.
It was really wild. It came on so fast. Everything was coated in dust the next day and there were some downed trees and structural damage at the resort.

I don't if it is my ILs or this stuff isn't being covered in the news in the UK (which I doubt is the case), but my BIL invited himself to stay at our house during the World Cup. Philly is hosting some matches and he wants to go to some of those. I told my husband I will not be disrespected in my own house. His brother doesn't even act like I exist when I am around him. I'm like a ghost--no eye contact, not responding to me talking to him. If he treats me like that in my own house, I'll be taking his luggage and chucking it on the front lawn. He can go pay for a hotel. I'm not even playing. I tolerate a lot of his and his wife's nonsense when I am at my MIL's house, out of respect for my MIL. In fact, I am going to my MIL's in a couple of weeks and if he is giving me the silent treatment, I am telling him to get a hotel room in Philly, because I will not be hosting someone who thinks I am not "up on his level."
 

Sans Souci

Well-Known Member
Hello-

I did a lower body workout this AM. Last week, I did some low key workouts. I did an aqua yoga class, then I did a restorative yoga class outside (in the AM) with a live guitar. It was really good, very relaxing and not sweaty.

We had a good week after we got hiccups out of the way. My husband booked an e-mustang or similar as a rental car through Costco. Surprise, surprise--there were none left. So, they offered him a Tesla and he declined. 😄 Then they offered him an electric Ford F150, which he would have taken, but he knew it would be too big for the parking spaces at the resort. So, he paid more money to get a gas car. Then he went to take his injectable and it malfunctioned, so he had to contact the drug manufacturer, who got him a voucher for free replacement. It only took a day for CVS to get it in. But it was kind of a headache and he had to jump through a lot of hoops to prove he wasn't scamming. I always get so anxious when I have to travel and it starts the day before I fly. It's not the flight. I am fine once I am seated on the plane. It's the TSA line, it's the crazy line up to board the plane that get to me. It made me feel nauseous and I'd gotten sick once I got to my resort. Then I think the heat helped crank up my nausea to 11. But I enjoyed myself after my stomach settled down. I didn't eat much or drink many adult beverages last week (too hot for either one), but I also didn't return home feeling like a bloated tick, either. There are upsides to visiting in the summer, such as an empty resort pool and really not needing reservations for dining. But there are downsides--not all activities are available in the off season and of course, it's like being on the surface of the sun.
 

HouCuseChickie

Well-Known Member
I have to wonder if menopause is a huge factor in the divorce rate. We get older and are no longer willing to put up with the things we put up with when our children were small. I read recently that one of the hormones your body STOPS producing when you are no longer in your child bearing years is a hormone that makes you more patient and forgiving, because children are hard and they push boundaries. When you stop producing that hormone, you aren't as tolerant of bad behavior. It certainly makes sense if it's true. And I know my husband has some behavior that just drives me batty now. When we were living with his parents when I first moved here, I remember his mom was really pushing me to ride a bike to school instead of walking, because Dutch people ride bikes and if I didn't ride a bike, people would know I'm not Dutch. I don't care if people know I'm not Dutch....it's not important to me. And I don't like bike riding. I would rather walk half an hour than ride a bike for 15 minutes. My school was about a 15 minute walk, but she was insistent that I ride a bike because it would only take 5 minutes. I didn't WANT to ride a bike, and I kept telling her that. I told my husband it was driving me nuts and I needed her to back off. He told me just to do what he does....the way to handle his mom is to tell her what she wants to hear and then do what you want to do. Just agree to whatever she says, and then ignore it. She'll stop nagging for a while and then when she brings it up again in a few months, you just agree with her again and then continue ignoring it. So I I just said "Ok, sounds good." when she said I should ride a bike to school the next time, and then as soon as he walked in the door that night from work, she told him immediately to take me out and teach me to ride a bike, because I wanted to ride to school. So it didn't work at all. But I've learned that that's his way of dealing with everyone. He doesn't argue....he just agrees with you, and then does what he wants anyway. So if we are planning to visit his parents and I ask him what time he wants to leave the next day, he'll say "I don't have a plan....whenever." And then when I say "Maybe we should leave at 9 and grab some breakfast on the way, then we're there by 10:30 when they've finished breakfast" and he'll say "Sounds good" and then the next day, I'm ready to go at 9 and he's still lying in bed playing on his computer, not having showered or anything.

All the things we agreed to before we were married, he hasn't followed through on. We agreed to live in the US because I didn't speak Dutch and my degree can't be used here because they don't have music in schools the way we do. We agreed to have 3 kids...we even picked out names. We agreed that he'd do the dishes and mow the lawn and I would do laundry and ironing. We agreed that we'd divide the household chores based on who was working full time, part time, or not at all. Then as soon as we got married, he said he wanted to move back here. And after A was born, he said he was content and we were done having kids. He wouldn't even discuss it with me...he had already decided. First, he said he wouldn't wash my baking dishes anymore. Then he decided the kids were old enough to do chores, and the chore they were going to do was dishes. And he made excuses not to mow the lawn until I got tired of the grass being a foot tall and mowed it myself....he never touched the lawn mower again. So that's his go-to thing....tell me "I'll do it this weekend" and hope that I forget, and if I don't, he'll say "I'm too tired today. I'll do it tomorrow." and then tomorrow he'll not be feeling well....he'll do it on the weekend. And then on the weekend, it's time we visited his parents. There's always a reason not to do it. He just says what he has to say to get me to stop "nagging". Kind of like you said things will get better for a while, and then they will just go back to the same old bad behavior. And it's always been frustrating, but now it makes me so angry!!! And if I could support myself here, I'd probably leave. But I can't. And at the moment, I don't think it would be good for me to try going back to the US. Not to mention I don't want to be far away from my kids, and THEY don't want to live in the US. So I'm kind of stuck here. I asked to go to counseling....he agreed to it, and then it never happened. And I doubt it would help, because he'd just agree to whatever I said and then ignore it. And in the end, I still really do love him....it's just the brushing me off like he's in charge and I just have to go with it that drives me up a wall.

I guess what it comes down to is what/how much are you willing to live with? Is his behavior a deal breaker for you? And would the HRT make you happier even it meant tolerating some of the bad behavior? Would you be more content and would that be worth it? And what's the alternative? I can live with the behavior so that I can live in a safer country and be with my kids. For now, it's worth it, and I don't have a viable alternative that would offer that. So I'm content. But I can certainly understand if you were to say that it's not worth it for you. And if he wouldn't be receptive to therapy or to making changes....then you have to decide what that means for you. I hope you can find a solution that works for you. I think sometimes there is no perfect solution and you have to settle for whatever works the best. Sorry for the novel....I just empathize completely.

I have seen so many counselors and attorneys noting that they're seeing a major uptick in marital issues and divorces when women start approaching the end of perimenopause. I've probably read the same or similar studies that you've seen. It's like your brain and body no longer produces the chemicals that makes you strive to make it work for childbearing and childrearing purposes, forcing you to re-examine the relationship and connections. He's definitely driving me batty. Some of it is being sick and tired of the inconsiderate and gaslighting crud like that bag incident at the beach (which is the most serious of the issue categories), some is the little stuff...like being ready to run when I have to hear him eating and breathing loudly, and some is more maladaptive stuff that won't actually help me...which is what has kept me from fleeing thus far.

Let's just say there are a few people in my semi-regular mix that are definitely interested if I were to discreetly stray or leave. I have not done anything with any of these people...mainly because I think I'd like to be alone a while if I were to decide to leave. As exciting as these interactions can be, I know I'm finding my greatest peace in solitude as well as music and exercise. Still, it adds to the frustration with his laziness, ignorance and carelessness when you start seeing people in your mix trying to impress you in the areas where he's letting me down. Again, I don't think these crushes and flirters are the answers, but they highlight and amplify the deficiencies that are weighing on my mind a lot of late. Honestly, the most exciting and intriguing of the bunch would likely be an all-out disaster if anything happened. That dangerous element has added to the appeal, which is also a red flag for me that my head is not in the right place for any of this and it's best to just step back, think, breath, and not do anything rash or hasty.

I have also been trying to talk to my husband about some of this stuff without getting into these other people (because that would be like a bomb going off) and in a non-aggressive/non-confrontational way. He is stepping up a bit more these last few days but for how long? I don't think HRT would fix this. It might help with my concentration, sleep and brain fog for work and other adulting matters concerning responsibilities but I also want to keep my clarity with what's happening with him and our relationship. I think I still love him, but how much is romantic love vs. the general care and compassion you have for people that have been in your life for a while? How much is me being a pleaser? How much is me staying because it's easier? Will I even still feel this way in a year, or will it be better/worse?

I appreciate your novel. I think, at the very least, it can be cathartic to write it all out. It's also helpful to see other people's struggles. Not that I want anyone struggling, but there's just something about a shared common/similar issue. You are definitely going through some related emotions and changes as well. I don't have the answers, especially since everyone's situations are different, but hopefully we find some peace in all of it. I can see how you'd be, at the very least, frustrated. I also get accused of nagging but I've been pushing back on a lot of those accusations, asserting that the so-called nagging is merely a response to him failing me at times. Ok, not in those words, but that sentiment...and that if I stop that "nagging," it means I've given up and stopped caring.
 

HouCuseChickie

Well-Known Member
Thank you for the cake recipe. 🙏

I could see that happening. It was an unintended side effect I never considered it. I was on it, but I am on a break because my nurse practitioner kept pushing me to higher doses when I felt so much better at the lowest dose. I wanted to be on it for the protective health benefits for your heart, your bones, your brain. It began to seriously mess with my stomach, plus she was kind of MAHA as she was blaming my antidepressants for my anxiety and urging to come off of them, telling me I probably didn't need to be on them "like most people who take them.". :rolleyes: So, I am starting over a with new NP. I'll stick to my regular MD for antidepressant expertise. There's a time and a place for NPs and there's a time and a place for MDs.

You're welcome! I hope it works. It's actually what I use for nearly all of my non-chocolate cakes. It comes from an apple cider spice pound cake recipe I used for Sam's first birthday cake. I just sub various liquids and dry flavorings for the apple spice. The coconut pound cake and my coffee flavored pound cake have been my most successful adaptations.

I do appreciate the recommendation because it could potentially help, but if you read any of my novel above to @Songbird76 I think it's critical that I keep my mind clear when it comes to matters with him. I'm one of those people who can become highly depressed to mildly suicidal when taking things like muscle relaxers and certain asthma meds because of how they depress my system. While different than HRT, the antidepressant I took for a year numbed me so much that I stopped caring about everything while also combatting excessive hunger and overall weight gain. My MD was really cautious and started me on a lower dose but we changed meds and then bumped up dosing when I wasn't getting any benefits. My old prescription daytime allergy meds hit my system so hard to combat the irritants that they knocked me out worse than the nighttime variety. I can see why you went off of yours. It's crazy that they'd push you onto a much higher dose when you were doing well with what you had.
 

HouCuseChickie

Well-Known Member
Happy Tuesday (that feels like Monday)!

I weighed in over the weekend and am now down 5 pounds since the birthday issues. So, back to slow and steady progress. I also went back to wearing my weighted vest yesterday. I pushed it 5 miles and couldn't take any more. I wore it for 4.5 miles this morning and it was also pretty brutal at the end. It's also been so humid and I'm coming back utterly drenched. I think my shoulder issues from running with our suitcases is also improving. They are still a bit weak, but no more pain. Today is arms, which usually means some shoulder work, so we'll see how it feels tonight. On a related note, while I am still avoiding my trigger foods, I am trying my tummy with Chobani protein boosted yogurt shakes, cottage cheese, and Greek yogurt in general so that I can have some more natural protein options in my mix.

Beyond that, it's been a bad week for vacuums. Our robot vacuum died on Saturday. It was never quite as good as the reviews and ratings said it should be, but it kept me from having to push around the upright vacuum on the hard floors. I got around to getting out the upright vacuum yesterday just to have it die on me when I was about 85% done vacuuming the house. It had that electrical rubber burning smell, then started making loud noises, before just trying to start up and dying. Everything around the motor houses was hot to the touch. The robot lasted us nearly 6 years and the upright about 2.5 (which is a record for us), so I guess I'll be vacuum shopping. I'll probably just get another Shark, since they've lasted as long as the one Dyson I tried a while back (for a lot more $).

I'll try and post some more CA a bit later. This part is going to get a bit long because we went to Downtown Disney. So, of course, my photos taken increased drastically. :)
 

Sans Souci

Well-Known Member
Hello-

I am checking in with an upper body circuit training wo. I am painfully sore from my workout yesterday. It's basically my hamstrings, I went for a walk hoping to ease the soreness. Spoiler alert:it didn't. lol

I've nothing going on here today. Just getting back into the groove of life. Callie is no longer mad at me for going on vacation. lol
 

Songbird76

Well-Known Member
It was really wild. It came on so fast. Everything was coated in dust the next day and there were some downed trees and structural damage at the resort.

I don't if it is my ILs or this stuff isn't being covered in the news in the UK (which I doubt is the case), but my BIL invited himself to stay at our house during the World Cup. Philly is hosting some matches and he wants to go to some of those. I told my husband I will not be disrespected in my own house. His brother doesn't even act like I exist when I am around him. I'm like a ghost--no eye contact, not responding to me talking to him. If he treats me like that in my own house, I'll be taking his luggage and chucking it on the front lawn. He can go pay for a hotel. I'm not even playing. I tolerate a lot of his and his wife's nonsense when I am at my MIL's house, out of respect for my MIL. In fact, I am going to my MIL's in a couple of weeks and if he is giving me the silent treatment, I am telling him to get a hotel room in Philly, because I will not be hosting someone who thinks I am not "up on his level."
Is this one of the people who looks down on you for your education? I wouldn't want to put up with that either.

I was thinking about that, because I thought I had seen something about the World Cup in the US, but then when I looked it up, it said it was in Canada? Now I'm looking and it says it's hosted jointly. But I do wonder about tourism for it.
 

Songbird76

Well-Known Member
I have seen so many counselors and attorneys noting that they're seeing a major uptick in marital issues and divorces when women start approaching the end of perimenopause. I've probably read the same or similar studies that you've seen. It's like your brain and body no longer produces the chemicals that makes you strive to make it work for childbearing and childrearing purposes, forcing you to re-examine the relationship and connections. He's definitely driving me batty. Some of it is being sick and tired of the inconsiderate and gaslighting crud like that bag incident at the beach (which is the most serious of the issue categories), some is the little stuff...like being ready to run when I have to hear him eating and breathing loudly, and some is more maladaptive stuff that won't actually help me...which is what has kept me from fleeing thus far.

Let's just say there are a few people in my semi-regular mix that are definitely interested if I were to discreetly stray or leave. I have not done anything with any of these people...mainly because I think I'd like to be alone a while if I were to decide to leave. As exciting as these interactions can be, I know I'm finding my greatest peace in solitude as well as music and exercise. Still, it adds to the frustration with his laziness, ignorance and carelessness when you start seeing people in your mix trying to impress you in the areas where he's letting me down. Again, I don't think these crushes and flirters are the answers, but they highlight and amplify the deficiencies that are weighing on my mind a lot of late. Honestly, the most exciting and intriguing of the bunch would likely be an all-out disaster if anything happened. That dangerous element has added to the appeal, which is also a red flag for me that my head is not in the right place for any of this and it's best to just step back, think, breath, and not do anything rash or hasty.

I have also been trying to talk to my husband about some of this stuff without getting into these other people (because that would be like a bomb going off) and in a non-aggressive/non-confrontational way. He is stepping up a bit more these last few days but for how long? I don't think HRT would fix this. It might help with my concentration, sleep and brain fog for work and other adulting matters concerning responsibilities but I also want to keep my clarity with what's happening with him and our relationship. I think I still love him, but how much is romantic love vs. the general care and compassion you have for people that have been in your life for a while? How much is me being a pleaser? How much is me staying because it's easier? Will I even still feel this way in a year, or will it be better/worse?

I appreciate your novel. I think, at the very least, it can be cathartic to write it all out. It's also helpful to see other people's struggles. Not that I want anyone struggling, but there's just something about a shared common/similar issue. You are definitely going through some related emotions and changes as well. I don't have the answers, especially since everyone's situations are different, but hopefully we find some peace in all of it. I can see how you'd be, at the very least, frustrated. I also get accused of nagging but I've been pushing back on a lot of those accusations, asserting that the so-called nagging is merely a response to him failing me at times. Ok, not in those words, but that sentiment...and that if I stop that "nagging," it means I've given up and stopped caring.
Exactly....I think it just helps knowing you are not the only person going through it. It's not that you WANT other people to go through it, but it helps to validate your own struggles...that you know you aren't going crazy or over-reacting. It really IS unacceptable.

I don't think I'd want a relationship again if I were to end up single, whether it was because something happened to my husband or we divorced. I always used to think I'd want the companionship, but at this point in my life, I feel like there's a lot to be said for getting to decide for yourself how you want to live. Like, my husband and I agreed on most things when we moved into this house, and what we didn't agree on was mostly unimportant stuff. Like...he didn't really care so much about the paint color of the trim around the doors. My MIL was pushing for a color that I didn't like because it was too yellow. I put my foot down and said she wasn't living here, she doesn't get a vote. -I- hate that color, we're not doing that color. And it wasn't so important to him, so he agreed to go with what I wanted. But now, I look back at a lot of stuff and I've realized that I gave in a lot more than maybe I should have, and my husband seems to have gotten the impression that he's the one in charge and he decides to let me have my way once in a while. When E and I went to Disney, he threw out all my candles because he didn't like them taking up space in the closet and he wanted to use the closet for something else. He also wanted to get rid of most of my baking stuff for the same reason. It's taking up too much space. It feels like he's just trying to erase me and make it HIS house, not OUR house. He also got rid of my storage bins because he thinks they look cheap and tacky...and they DO. They are just plastic drawers on wheels. But they were upstairs in the bedroom on my side of the bed that had only my stuff in them and that he doesn't really have to look at most of the time. I told him I was open to it, IF we found a viable alternative. But while I was gone, he emptied them out, put the contents all over the place, and tossed the plastic containers. I came home to not being able to find anything and he got mad at me if I asked where he put stuff, because he said I was "Treating him like an a-hole." Well....getting rid of my stuff when I'm not there and I told you not to is pretty much A-hole behavior to me....so, if you are going to do it, you have to own it. He tried to tell me that my baking stuff all needed to be moved to the shed and I told him I wasn't going to go through boxes every time I wanted to bake. It just feels like he doesn't want me here, but he also wants someone to clean his house and cook his meals for him. He wants the privileges of having a wife without having to share his time and space. He wants servants. And the more I hear from other women, the more it sounds like that's the case in a LOT of relationships. So I think I'd prefer to stay single. There's nothing a man can give me that I can't get for myself. I have amazing kids who are grown up and starting their own lives. They don't need me to take them to school and to make their lunches anymore, and I don't need an extra kid to make demands on me. There's nothing he needs from me that he can't get for himself. He's perfectly capable of cooking his own dinner, of washing his own clothes, of cleaning his own toilet, etc. And I don't enjoy doing those things. I really don't like cooking and cleaning and everything! I have always done it because I was home more than he was. But I work too. And I am tired of doing ALL of it, PLUS working part time. If I were suddenly single, I think I'd just want to have a place of my own, where if it's dirty, it's my own fault, and where I only have to pick up after myself. But I don't see myself making a move in that direction...like, HE would have to decide to file for divorce, or something happen to him. Because I DO still love him, and I have my kids still living at home....if something happened to him, I'd have to go back to the US, and be far away from my kids. It's not worth it to leave, anyway. But I can see how it would be a hard choice for a lot of women, and I can certainly understand why some women choose to leave.

Epiphany.....my parents were in their 30s when they married and they were married for 13 years. My mom must have been going through peri-menopause/menopause when they divorced. I never made that connection before, but I bet that played into her decision. She hadn't really been married that long when her hormones changed. She had dramatically altered her life to marry him, and I'm guessing that didn't sit well once she was going through all the hormonal stuff, too.

Anyway, I get it. I know I feel relieved when he does something around the house...like, it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it feels like an enormous weight off me. I worked yesterday until 5:45, and didn't get home until almost 6:30, but HE made dinner because he got home around 4:30 or 5:00. And it was a huge relief, because I was wondering how we were going to manage now that both kids are in college and E wasn't supposed to get home until around 7 and A doesn't cook, even if HE got home at a decent hour, but he wasn't home until around 6 either. So it SHOULDN'T have been up to me to take care of dinner, but it still feels like that's the expectation....like he's doing me a favor by handling it for a night, when really, it's not any one person's responsibility and we all just have to step up when we're the first one home. I'm hoping it's a sign that he's realized things have to change now because I'm NOT the one who is at home to do it. I used to be, for years and years, and if -I- wasn't home, E was. But now, she's at school and I'm at work, and it's just a different situation. So hopefully, he's taken that in and he's going to step up.

But I find it interesting, looking at E....she's so not looking for a relationship. She's just not interested. And I don't know if that's because of what she sees in OUR relationship that she just doesn't want to become the woman who "has it all" at the expense of her own self. Or she just hasn't met anyone that she feels is worth her time? I've been very open with her about my past and the guy I was engaged to before I met my husband, and about my mother and how controlling she was, etc. I don't see E getting into an abusive/controlling relationship because she's certainly been warned about what to look for. And I haven't been secretive about my frustration that I am over-worked between my job and everything at home. Our house hasn't properly been cleaned for years because I'd have to spend every waking minute cleaning to have everything dusted and put away, etc. I'd never be able to have hobbies. So I've done the basics....I make sure our clothes are clean, I clean the toilets, and bleach the kitchen counters and the stove, but the house has been cluttered and dusty and she won't invite people over because it just isn't guest-ready. We've spent the summer while I wasn't working doing deep cleaning on stuff, and cleaning up the yard....finally got it pretty well cleared of weeds and got rid of the trees and bushes that we never planted, etc. So the goal is to get the house to a state where she can have friends over for her birthday and NOT be embarassed. But now that we're both back to school/work, the trick will be maintaining it without having to give up our lives for it. And she knows that it's going to be up to her and me to do that, because the boys won't. So I do wonder how much of that plays into her decision not to date or have a relationship. I think she knows that the traditional roles won't work for her, and it's hard to break that. I'm proud of her that she hasn't buckled to other people's expectations, that she is strong in her own independence and opinions. I want more for her than I've had. I don't want her to get to 45 years old and be unsatisfied with her life and how she spent her time. Does that sound really bitter?
 

Songbird76

Well-Known Member
Hello-

I am checking in with an upper body circuit training wo. I am painfully sore from my workout yesterday. It's basically my hamstrings, I went for a walk hoping to ease the soreness. Spoiler alert:it didn't. lol

I've nothing going on here today. Just getting back into the groove of life. Callie is no longer mad at me for going on vacation. lol
Isn't it tough coming back to real life after vacation? I really enjoy not having to do EVERYTHING on vacation. I still have to do laundry, and I still have to keep track of itinerary and keeping things picked up, etc....I'm still responsible for making sure everything runs smoothly, but it's so nice to not have to plan meals and cook them....just pick out a restaurant and let someone ELSE do the cooking and the cleanup! It's hard to come back to cleaning toilets and vacuuming floors, and wiping down counters, and trying to find a bit of time to read, or check in here.

Glad Callie isn't mad anymore. Was she giving you the cold shoulder?
 

HouCuseChickie

Well-Known Member
Exactly....I think it just helps knowing you are not the only person going through it. It's not that you WANT other people to go through it, but it helps to validate your own struggles...that you know you aren't going crazy or over-reacting. It really IS unacceptable.

I don't think I'd want a relationship again if I were to end up single, whether it was because something happened to my husband or we divorced. I always used to think I'd want the companionship, but at this point in my life, I feel like there's a lot to be said for getting to decide for yourself how you want to live. Like, my husband and I agreed on most things when we moved into this house, and what we didn't agree on was mostly unimportant stuff. Like...he didn't really care so much about the paint color of the trim around the doors. My MIL was pushing for a color that I didn't like because it was too yellow. I put my foot down and said she wasn't living here, she doesn't get a vote. -I- hate that color, we're not doing that color. And it wasn't so important to him, so he agreed to go with what I wanted. But now, I look back at a lot of stuff and I've realized that I gave in a lot more than maybe I should have, and my husband seems to have gotten the impression that he's the one in charge and he decides to let me have my way once in a while. When E and I went to Disney, he threw out all my candles because he didn't like them taking up space in the closet and he wanted to use the closet for something else. He also wanted to get rid of most of my baking stuff for the same reason. It's taking up too much space. It feels like he's just trying to erase me and make it HIS house, not OUR house. He also got rid of my storage bins because he thinks they look cheap and tacky...and they DO. They are just plastic drawers on wheels. But they were upstairs in the bedroom on my side of the bed that had only my stuff in them and that he doesn't really have to look at most of the time. I told him I was open to it, IF we found a viable alternative. But while I was gone, he emptied them out, put the contents all over the place, and tossed the plastic containers. I came home to not being able to find anything and he got mad at me if I asked where he put stuff, because he said I was "Treating him like an a-hole." Well....getting rid of my stuff when I'm not there and I told you not to is pretty much A-hole behavior to me....so, if you are going to do it, you have to own it. He tried to tell me that my baking stuff all needed to be moved to the shed and I told him I wasn't going to go through boxes every time I wanted to bake. It just feels like he doesn't want me here, but he also wants someone to clean his house and cook his meals for him. He wants the privileges of having a wife without having to share his time and space. He wants servants. And the more I hear from other women, the more it sounds like that's the case in a LOT of relationships. So I think I'd prefer to stay single. There's nothing a man can give me that I can't get for myself. I have amazing kids who are grown up and starting their own lives. They don't need me to take them to school and to make their lunches anymore, and I don't need an extra kid to make demands on me. There's nothing he needs from me that he can't get for himself. He's perfectly capable of cooking his own dinner, of washing his own clothes, of cleaning his own toilet, etc. And I don't enjoy doing those things. I really don't like cooking and cleaning and everything! I have always done it because I was home more than he was. But I work too. And I am tired of doing ALL of it, PLUS working part time. If I were suddenly single, I think I'd just want to have a place of my own, where if it's dirty, it's my own fault, and where I only have to pick up after myself. But I don't see myself making a move in that direction...like, HE would have to decide to file for divorce, or something happen to him. Because I DO still love him, and I have my kids still living at home....if something happened to him, I'd have to go back to the US, and be far away from my kids. It's not worth it to leave, anyway. But I can see how it would be a hard choice for a lot of women, and I can certainly understand why some women choose to leave.

Epiphany.....my parents were in their 30s when they married and they were married for 13 years. My mom must have been going through peri-menopause/menopause when they divorced. I never made that connection before, but I bet that played into her decision. She hadn't really been married that long when her hormones changed. She had dramatically altered her life to marry him, and I'm guessing that didn't sit well once she was going through all the hormonal stuff, too.

Anyway, I get it. I know I feel relieved when he does something around the house...like, it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it feels like an enormous weight off me. I worked yesterday until 5:45, and didn't get home until almost 6:30, but HE made dinner because he got home around 4:30 or 5:00. And it was a huge relief, because I was wondering how we were going to manage now that both kids are in college and E wasn't supposed to get home until around 7 and A doesn't cook, even if HE got home at a decent hour, but he wasn't home until around 6 either. So it SHOULDN'T have been up to me to take care of dinner, but it still feels like that's the expectation....like he's doing me a favor by handling it for a night, when really, it's not any one person's responsibility and we all just have to step up when we're the first one home. I'm hoping it's a sign that he's realized things have to change now because I'm NOT the one who is at home to do it. I used to be, for years and years, and if -I- wasn't home, E was. But now, she's at school and I'm at work, and it's just a different situation. So hopefully, he's taken that in and he's going to step up.

But I find it interesting, looking at E....she's so not looking for a relationship. She's just not interested. And I don't know if that's because of what she sees in OUR relationship that she just doesn't want to become the woman who "has it all" at the expense of her own self. Or she just hasn't met anyone that she feels is worth her time? I've been very open with her about my past and the guy I was engaged to before I met my husband, and about my mother and how controlling she was, etc. I don't see E getting into an abusive/controlling relationship because she's certainly been warned about what to look for. And I haven't been secretive about my frustration that I am over-worked between my job and everything at home. Our house hasn't properly been cleaned for years because I'd have to spend every waking minute cleaning to have everything dusted and put away, etc. I'd never be able to have hobbies. So I've done the basics....I make sure our clothes are clean, I clean the toilets, and bleach the kitchen counters and the stove, but the house has been cluttered and dusty and she won't invite people over because it just isn't guest-ready. We've spent the summer while I wasn't working doing deep cleaning on stuff, and cleaning up the yard....finally got it pretty well cleared of weeds and got rid of the trees and bushes that we never planted, etc. So the goal is to get the house to a state where she can have friends over for her birthday and NOT be embarassed. But now that we're both back to school/work, the trick will be maintaining it without having to give up our lives for it. And she knows that it's going to be up to her and me to do that, because the boys won't. So I do wonder how much of that plays into her decision not to date or have a relationship. I think she knows that the traditional roles won't work for her, and it's hard to break that. I'm proud of her that she hasn't buckled to other people's expectations, that she is strong in her own independence and opinions. I want more for her than I've had. I don't want her to get to 45 years old and be unsatisfied with her life and how she spent her time. Does that sound really bitter?

I'm sort of a "never say never" kind of person. Part of me thinks I'd like to remain single if there were some kind of split but part of me wonders if there's another person out there better suited for this stage of my life. Then again, I see people talking about the miseries of modern dating and I don't think I'd go out of my way to look for it. Like if that person did exist, they'd need to find their way into my life in a more organic manner.

I know mine has griped about this and that taking up too much space just like I have complained about some of his stuff, or even clothes that should be relegated to rag status or tossed in the trash altogether. Still, while we may get snippy and gripe about trashing things, we do not mess with each other's stuff without clearance. Sure, things have been thrown out by mistake here and there, but the griping has never led to trashing while the other one is away. WOW! Of course, mine will just leave my stuff out in vagrant filled parking areas. LOL (I laugh because what else can I do?)

I get it. I totally get it. There are times where I'm ready to scale a wall over his learned helplessness and the expectation that I will do whatever so that he doesn't have to. Of course, he also turns into a drama queen, asserting that he has to do everything, if I ask him to do something and he actually does it (or tries). Which is funny because I often catch him saying he can help if I just tell him, but I usually just do it myself because of the time and effort it would take just to try and explain whatever process to him...not to mention the time to cover the loose ends from him not doing things completely and his "I do everything" crud. Both of which seem intentional so that he gets out of having to do anything. We don't have the kinds of chores in our house that you have so I don't feel like a servant, but I often feel like I have a full-grown male child in addition to the girls. We've also officially cut off his mom, so there are no outside influences on him beyond however their past influences have impacted his current behavior. In my case, with his sleep issues and my decades of living in a guest bedroom, I often feel more like a roommate...which increases the division.

You could be right about your mom. Timing in life can make all the difference in so many scenarios. She very easily could have hit her limit and had enough. I often wonder if I would have dismissed my own husband if I met him closer to the time when we married or when we had K. Things were turbulent early on and I don't know if I would have stood for any of it if I was meeting him in my mid-30s.

That's very good that he made dinner. Even better if he does it without asking, help, etc. and also doesn't expect to be lavished with praise for doing what should be commonplace and standard courtesy. I could even see mine trying to throw in a guilt trip in that scenario...like you weren't here so I had to make up for your slack.

Interesting that E isn't looking for anything. K is, but I know she's frustrated with how immature and fickle so many of the guys are in college. It could be what she's seeing at home; however, I've seen that a lot of kids her age are either not dating or having a lot of reservations with it just because of how much the dating world has changed for all ages with the advent of all of these digital tools and the erosion of practices that helped form more real connections. I'm seeing it come up with all age groups but it's especially common in the younger generations with no perspective on how things were. I also don't think your wants for her sound bitter. We all want better for our kids. We normally think about that in terms of financial and educational wants and needs, but I think a lot of people also want to see their kids in better relationships. It's not all that far off from a kid who grew up with an absentee dad who goes on to be the most attentive dad in the world. You just want them to have better in every sense of the word.
 

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