Vacation time can be a real trial for those who refuse to admit that they’re actually visible to others. A casual stroll through the Disney parks can yield some cringe-worthy sights, as guys determine that their women will never leave them, regardless of how they appear in public. Consequently, it’s time for the rsoxguy list of Walt Disney World fashion foibles. I humbly submit my list of the top ten worst transgressions, starting with bad, and ending with embarrassingly oblivious. I’ve omitted the sandals/socks issue because redundancy on the forum is not necessary.
Why no offenses pertaining to women? Well, all of you youngsters may want to take note. I’m old enough to know that it’s safer to insult a guy who has trained in martial arts since the tender age of five, than to mess with a woman regarding her sense of fashion. ‘Nuff said.
If you don’t appreciate satire, and offend easily, now would be a good time to hit the “back” arrow.
#10.
The Silly Theme Park Hat. OK, I realize that everyone likes to wear these things, so I’ve given this fashion faux pas the ten spot. My problem with this, aside from the obvious, is the lack of common sense when dealing with appropriateness. Here’s a hint fellas; if you’ve hit terminal mass in your ability to hold back your frustration, temper, and public blowup with a family member, take the silly hat off. An angry guy who scolds his loved ones as he puts the food tray down on the table at the Pinocchio Village Haus while wearing a silly Disney hat just looks like someone who should be placed through a gauntlet of people who point and laugh.
#9.
The Outdated Shirt. So you went to Disney World in 1991, bought a t-shirt with the year emblazoned on the front, and you had a great time! The problem lies in the fact that you’ve dropped that puppy in the old Maytag one too many times. We’re all glad that you have a long history at Disney World. We just wish that you’d stop trying to prove it and splurge on a new shirt at The Emporium. Don’t forget the 6.5% sales tax.
#8.
Wearing Sunglasses Indoors. Okeydokey, James Dean, we get it. You need a fashion accessory indoors. The problem is that you look as though you’re trying waaay too hard. They’re called “sunglasses” because they magically protect your eyes from the sun’s brightness. Unfortunately, they don’t make your voice any deeper when you tell the 19 year old CM working at the Pecos Bills counter, “I’ll be back”. Hang them on the collar of your shirt and try to come to terms with the fact that they probably didn’t make you look cool outside either.
#7.
The Kid’s Backpack. You want know why the manufacturer placed Dora the Explorer on a pink backpack? They expected a five year old girl to carry it on her shoulders. You, however, look like a when you decide to live in reckless abandon by carrying the thing on your back because your daughter whined her way past your ability to stand up for yourself. Give up now, and twelve years into the future she’ll know that she can bring home a guy named “Chainsaw” who believes that personal hygiene involves a garden hose and a newly stolen shirt.
#6.
The New Clothes. Many people buy new clothes for a Disney World vacation, right? Many also don’t realize the need to prepare those new duds for wear. You see guys, the first set of creases that originated with the manufacturer’s shipping process, followed by the second set of creases that were created by your suitcase, are not acceptable fashion statements. The only statement you’re making is that you gave up on looking good in public years ago. That free ironing board/iron combo in your room? It’s there for a purpose, and they’re called amenities for a reason.
#5.
The Sleeveless Muscle Shirt. We all get it; you’re in Florida, it’s hot, and you’re just dying to show off the ink imbedded in the skin on the side of your bicep. It’s just that the five year old tan line midway up your biceps, along with the fact that you haven’t worked out with weights in fifteen years, just doesn’t add up to the look you were reaching for. Try the tanning salon and the gym for a few months, and give it another shot. Until then, save the shirt for those times at home when your wife and kids can use a good laugh.
#4.
The Jacket and Shorts Ensemble. The decision to go with this look is the equivalent of spending a day at the beach in a tuxedo. There’s no law stating that you must wear shorts in Florida. You’re telling me that you’re hot, you’re cold, and your legs don’t care either way. Cover the top, or cover the bottom, but stop with the mixed signals. You’re going to confuse parents who see you outside of their resort room window while trying to decide on the right outfit for their kids.
#3.
The Company Clothes. You took the whole family to Disney World for a company sponsored seminar, and we can all appreciate your desire to be with the ones that you love in between the speeches regarding the need to engineer a better sprocket. Wearing a polo shirt and cap that bear the corporate logo when visiting the parks, while also forcing your children to wear matching sets because it will ‘look great’, is a very painful way of saying, “I’m not using my own money to fund this family vacation because, quite frankly, they’re not worth it”.
#2.
Improper Sizing. No one believes that you’re still the svelte hottie of twenty years ago. That oversized shirt that you like to hide under just makes you look as though you’re mother still forces the practice of hand-me-downs within the family rank and file. Conversely, staring at every rolling wave of flesh on your torso in that medium t-shirt can be an emotional trauma to the average tourist. The term “size appropriate” doesn’t just apply to mattress covers, and you’re looking like it’s time for a fresh set of sheets.
#1.
The Shorts and Loafer Dress Shoes Ensemble. There can be no question that this little fashion disaster belongs in the number one spot. Men who sport this look are clearly telling the world that they are either, (a) delusional, or (b) stuck in a time warp somewhere in the 1960’s. If you’re going to go ahead and step out in this hideous desecration of all that is decent and fashionable, why not go ahead and make the loafers white? Hey, even better, add a sweater tied around your neck and a little skipper’s cap to the look. That way, you can also walk around singing “Misty” in your best Johnny Mathis impersonation. I’ll make you a deal. Send me a private message the next time that you feel like sporting this hideous look. I’ll meet you on Irlo Bronson Highway and buy you a pair of sneakers or sandals if you promise to ditch the skipper’s cap.
