Stand Up Comedy Quotes

DarkImage4

DarkImage4

Member
Original Poster
Here's a completely useless thread, but I thought it would be fun...

(Some quotes slightly adjusted for this forum)

Can you name the stand up comedian who said the following quotes...

#1 - "I finally figured out what SPAM stands for, 'Stuff Posing As Meat'. Look at the ingredients next time, it's pork, water and mechanically seperated chickens. Where I come from, thats called roadkill. Those aren't cloves in the picture, it's gravel..."

#2 - "The big yellow one is the Sun"

#3 - "My wife stands up, grabs a yard stick. She holds it like a Samurai Warrior, and announces that the beatings will now begin by saying, 'I have had enough of this!!!". And these brain damaged people had the nerve to look surprised..."

#4 - "And what could be more surprising the First Batallion Transvesite Brigade - Airbourne Wing. Parachuting behind enemy lines with fantastic make-up, and a fantastic gun..."

#5 - "When Ny-quil first came on the market, I was there. So, I drank the whole thing...well back there weren't any warnings about working farm equipment. So drink it, and I wake up 3 days later...I'm in Rockville, Maryland, a town I've never been in...I'm standing on the steps of city hall, and I'm married to a woman that I've mever met....but at least I could breathe again!"

#6 - "So, I take off from the Spokane Airport/Hair Care and Tire center...."

#7 - "So, if progress is moving forward, what's the opposite of progress? Congress...."

Enjoy...I'll be back to check on your progress...
 
tenchu

tenchu

Well-Known Member
DarkImage4 said:
Here's a completely useless thread, but I thought it would be fun...

(Some quotes slightly adjusted for this forum)

Can you name the stand up comedian who said the following quotes...

#1 - "I finally figured out what SPAM stands for, 'Stuff Posing As Meat'. Look at the ingredients next time, it's pork, water and mechanically seperated chickens. Where I come from, thats called roadkill. Those aren't cloves in the picture, it's gravel..."

#2 - "The big yellow one is the Sun"

#3 - "My wife stands up, grabs a yard stick. She holds it like a Samurai Warrior, and announces that the beatings will now begin by saying, 'I have had enough of this!!!". And these brain damaged people had the nerve to look surprised..."

#4 - "And what could be more surprising the First Batallion Transvesite Brigade - Airbourne Wing. Parachuting behind enemy lines with fantastic make-up, and a fantastic gun..."

#5 - "When Ny-quil first came on the market, I was there. So, I drank the whole thing...well back there weren't any warnings about working farm equipment. So drink it, and I wake up 3 days later...I'm in Rockville, Maryland, a town I've never been in...I'm standing on the steps of city hall, and I'm married to a woman that I've mever met....but at least I could breathe again!"

#6 - "So, I take off from the Spokane Airport/Hair Care and Tire center...."

#7 - "So, if progress is moving forward, what's the opposite of progress? Congress...."

Enjoy...I'll be back to check on your progress...
Click to expand...


Bush?
 
WDWFREAK53

WDWFREAK53

Well-Known Member
MKCustodial said:
#3 is definately Bill Cosby, I have that act on the computer. #1 is familiar... I'd day Bill Engvall?
Click to expand...

Yep, #3 is from Bill Cosby Himself (talking about his kids taking a bath :lol: )

Bill Engvall would be my guess also for #1.
 
MKCustodial

MKCustodial

Well-Known Member
I like how Cosby has a role for every kid. The male is the "grown up", can't use the bathroom with his sisters, and there's "the baby" and "the informant". :lol:

But my favorite bit still is "Noah's Ark". Riiiiiiiiight.
 
MKCustodial

MKCustodial

Well-Known Member
Don't know either of them... I believe a little research is in other.

I love stand-up comedy, we don't have it down here. I fell in love with it through Seinfeld and "Whose Line", then I found all those Cosby bits on the Net, and got to know Bill Engvall through a comment Gary made around here somewheres.
 
WDWFREAK53

WDWFREAK53

Well-Known Member
Roddy,

Bill Engvall, Ron White, Jeff Foxworthy, and Larry the Cable Guy are the "Blue Collar Boys"...I believe they went on tour together. They have a "saturday night live" type show called "Blue Collar TV" (Ron White makes guest appearances but the other three are regulars).

Ron White doesn't put down his drink at all :lol: I don't know how he's standing by the end of the show!
 
DigitalDisney

DigitalDisney

New Member
#5 is Lewis Black. I've seen him live more than any other comedian, and every show has been outstanding.

#7 sounds like someone who talks about politics, not that that narrows down the field much. I'll guess:
- Bill Mahr
- Dennis Miller
- George Carlin

Disappointed to see that Andrew Dice Clay and Dave Attel wern't included
 
DarkImage4

DarkImage4

Member
Original Poster
Here are the correct guesses so far...

#1 - Bill Engvall - "I finally figured out what SPAM stands for, 'Stuff Posing As Meat'. Look at the ingredients next time, it's pork, water and mechanically seperated chickens. Where I come from, thats called roadkill. Those aren't cloves in the picture, it's gravel..."

#2 - Brian Regan - "The big yellow one is the Sun"

#3 - Bill Cosby - "My wife stands up, grabs a yard stick. She holds it like a Samurai Warrior, and announces that the beatings will now begin by saying, 'I have had enough of this!!!". And these brain damaged people had the nerve to look surprised..."

#5 - Lewis Black - "When Ny-quil first came on the market, I was there. So, I drank the whole thing...well back there weren't any warnings about working farm equipment. So drink it, and I wake up 3 days later...I'm in Rockville, Maryland, a town I've never been in...I'm standing on the steps of city hall, and I'm married to a woman that I've mever met....but at least I could breathe again!"

#6 - Ron White - "So, I take off from the Spokane Airport/Hair Care and Tire center...."

#7 - Gallagher - "So, if progress is moving forward, what's the opposite of progress? Congress...."

And so far the only one not guessed is the following...

#4 - "And what could be more surprising the First Batallion Transvesite Brigade - Airbourne Wing. Parachuting behind enemy lines with fantastic make-up, and a fantastic gun..."

Some of our friends from across the pond should get this one....

My wife and I love stand-up comedy, and we are always quoting our favorites. We also have this thing for turning people onto comedians just by our re-enactments of their bits. In fact, at the HS where we teach, there is a large number of Brian Regan fans. That can be traced back to my wife and I played his CD for the percussion section of the marching band one day at lunch. :fork: From there it just passed around from kid to kid.

Of course there are some comedians, like #4 and Lewis Back that we'd lose our jobs over if we played it for them.

Anyone else want to jon in on the fun?
 
Invero

Invero

Well-Known Member
DarkImage4 said:
#4 - "And what could be more surprising the First Batallion Transvesite Brigade - Airbourne Wing. Parachuting behind enemy lines with fantastic make-up, and a fantastic gun..."
Click to expand...
I LOVE Eddie Izzard!!

Cake or death?
 

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