Post your jokes here!

Maria

Maria

New Member
Original Poster
I got this one in an email today, and I was LMAO! Enjoy! :D

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El Vaquero (The Mexican Cowboy) and his Chihuahua, Chilito, are camping in the desert. He sets up their tent and both are soon asleep. Some hours later, El Vaquero wakes his faithful friend.

"Chilito, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Chilito replies, "I see millions of stars, señor."

What does that tell you?" asks El Vaquero.

Chilito ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, señor?"

El Vaquero is silent for a moment, and then says,

Chilito, you pendejo. Someone has stolen our tent!
 
A

Al

Well-Known Member
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:

"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.

He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"

"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.

"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.

Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"

Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.

The salesman eyed Jerry again.

"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"

Once again, Jerry was surprised.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"

So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.

As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?

So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"

Jerry was astonished.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"

Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit.

Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:

"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"

Jerry thought for a second and agreed.

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."

Jerry laughed.

"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."

"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.

"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


:eek: :D :lol:
 
A

Al

Well-Known Member
:lookaroun

Two weasels are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other.
He screams: "I've slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens for what the other weasel will say.
The first one yells again: "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
At last, the other says: "Go home, dad, you're drunk."

:lol: :D
 
A

Al

Well-Known Member
Re: Women´s humor

Originally posted by Maria
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Michigan."

And they say blondes are dumb...

------------------------

A couple is lying in bed... The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

------------------------

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make
love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.

------------------------

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.

------------------------

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came
to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple
she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

------------------------

AND THE BEST ONE YET...

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

---------------------------------------------------

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Click to expand...

LOL!!! :lol: They're great! :D
Here's one:



There's a duck staying in a hotel and he's having a few drinks in the bar, when he notices a woman sitting alone and starts chatting with her.
They hit it off, so the duck suggests going back to his room for a nightcap.
The woman agrees.
One thing leads to another and they end up on the bed.
This is all very unexpected for the duck, who's totally unprepared.
He rings room service and asks if they can supply him with a condom.
"Certainly sir," a voice on the end of the phone replies. "Shall I put it on your bill?"
The duck yells back: "What do you think I am, some sort of pervert?"

:lookaroun :lol:
 
darthdarrel

darthdarrel

New Member
Originally posted by Al
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said:

"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.

He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"

"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.

"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.

Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"

Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.

The salesman eyed Jerry again.

"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"

Once again, Jerry was surprised.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"

So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.

As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?

So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"

Jerry was astonished.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"

Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit.

Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:

"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"

Jerry thought for a second and agreed.

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."

Jerry laughed.

"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."

"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.

"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


:eek: :D :lol:
Click to expand...

Poor Jer, Now we know why you`ve been having those nasty headaches! :eek: ...:lol:
 
A

Al

Well-Known Member
A large dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth.
He puts the purse down and sits in front of the counter.
"What is it, boy?" the butcher asks. "Want to buy some meat?"
"Woof!" barks the dog.
"What kind?" says the butcher. "Liver, bacon, steak...?"
"Woof!" interrupts the dog.
"And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound...?"
"Woof!" signals the dog.
The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.
As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow.
The dog enters an apartment building, climbs to the third floor, and begins scratching at a door.
With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.
"Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever seen!"
"Intelligent?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"


:D :lol:


"I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs... but she's good with the kids..." - Tommy Cooper

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice. " - Tommy Cooper
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray ... "Dear God , please help
me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose
my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays ... Oh God!, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays ... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost
my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't
often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in
order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself:........

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this ...... Buy a ticket."
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out
of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John
tried and tried to change
the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft
music and anything else he could think of to "clean up"
the bird's
vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the
bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and
kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to
donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would
have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends
and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion
at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you
did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek."
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
Just saw these and decided to bring this thread back to life:

Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Timex & Rolex.
"Where did you come up with those names?" Asks her friend.
"HellOOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They're watchdogs!"


" I had a car accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault. He came out of nowhere."
 
tigsmom

tigsmom

Well-Known Member
Just got this in my email......:D


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from So. Carolina. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a woman from New York. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry folded and, this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!


Now me, the work would have be done by a very competent hired MAID paid by the husband requesting the work to be done!
 
ThirdEye

ThirdEye

New Member
Lets see if I can remember this correctly.

A man goes to the local Doctor complaining about terrible Migranes hes been experincing lately. The Doctor says when he gets a headache he usually goes home and makes love to his wife.

The man leaves and comes back to the Dr's office a week later. He thanks the Dr. for the advice and tells him he hasn't had a headache for a week straight. As the man leaves he thanks the Dr. once more and tells him that he has a beautiful house.
 
B

BoBoJacks

New Member
A kid asks his dad, "Is God black or white?" His dad replies he doesnt know. Then the kid goes "Is God a man or a woman?" His father replies he doesnt know. Then the kid asks "Is God Michael Jackson?" :lol:
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Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag

One is a white piece of plastic that is harmful to children, and the other holds your groceries :eek:
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There are 2 muffins in an oven, One says "Wow, its hot in here" the other one looking shocked says "Holy Crap a talking Muffin!"
 

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