How would you react? Advice or kind words please.

[KBLovedDisney]

There is nothing to understand. All you need to know is she is about herself. She will use you (and others) to extract whatever she needs--without regard for you and your boundaries. Once she gets what she wants, she'll stop communicating. She will never change. My mother has BPD, so I am reading your posts and nodding my head in empathy.

It's not your responsibility to keep your family together. Parents with BPD "groom" us into certain roles and then use that to manipulate the family dynamic.

I, too, have stories that I don't share, because I feel like people wouldn't believe me or I would be accused of exaggerating. Every time an important event would happen in my life, she would "get sick" or she would "create drama." Months before my wedding, she got all these weird, ridiculous symptoms, but no doctor could ever find out her issue. Just before my college graduation, she decided she wanted to sit us all down to tell us what was wrong with all of us. (Telling my husband and me we have a "codependent relationship.") I un-invited her to my graduation after her tirade and I had a pleasant, quiet luncheon with my family and friends afterwards. Oh and then the lovely smear campaigns to other family members--good times. These stories are the tip of the iceberg--I have typed and deleted so much! LOL

I have gone very low contact with my mother and I use the "grey rock" method when I need to interact with her. I don't take her drama bait and I answer her questions in a matter of fact manner. She sees I won't take her drama bait and she leaves me alone.

Anyway, here are some sites I find helpful.

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/
^I found this one helpful to see other people had similar experiences to mine. I found that comforting.

https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com
^ lots of good posts here

Only you can make the decision to cut ties. There is a life out there where you don't get sucked into drama, where you don't walk on eggshells and you live your life for *you*.

I can't "like" this post enough! Omg yes that is her.

Thank you for the links. Much appreciated.

What is the "grey rock" method?

 

[KBLovedDisney]

Ok, I have issues with my mother that I never resolved before she passed, so take this with a grain of salt. But you said you have been the one to make all the calls because family has always been important to you. So I'm wondering...is your mother included in that? It sounded like maybe there were more people in your family that you are also the one keeping the contact and that your mother is the one who is not receptive. And it also sounds like there's a lot of hurt there because of her. So I guess you need to decide HOW important is that relationship with HER? Is it important enough to continue to make the effort, knowing how she is? Because you will not be able to change her. So if what you are wanting is the ideal parent/child relationship that you wish you had and you are hoping to create that by calling and giving her the opportunity to respond, I'm sorry to say that that doesn't sound realistic. If what you want is for her to finally be a mother, it's probably not going to happen. If you are feeling like that's your role...you are the peace maker and the glue that holds the family together now that dad is gone, if that's an important role to you, then you should continue, but only if you can accept things as they are without wanting to change it. It's kind of the old "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." You can keep that line of communication open, but you can't force her to be the mother she should have been. If she's important to you because of the blood ties and you feel like you have a responsibility to her, by all means, keep calling. But be prepared for it to continue the way it has always been.

Thank you so much for the straightforwardness. I needed to hear (well read) that. Sometimes I just have to have the truth of it all repeated back to me so I can stop living in the delusional part of my mind with the constant thoughts of 'maybe she'll change'.

Kind of wish there was a way to cut that part off in my head of where the non-stop false hope lies for my mom. I guess I just wished for the things to be right for so long that it has become kind of a habit. I know, not healthy. I am working on it and probably will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

 

[Songbird76]

Thank you so much for the straightforwardness. I needed to hear (well read) that. Sometimes I just have to have the truth of it all repeated back to me so I can stop living in the delusional part of my mind with the constant thoughts of 'maybe she'll change'.

Kind of wish there was a way to cut that part off in my head of where the non-stop false hope lies for my mom. I guess I just wished for the things to be right for so long that it has become kind of a habit. I know, not healthy. I am working on it and probably will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

I want to say I'm so sorry for what you have had to go through. My issues with my mom are completely different...she wasn't narcissistic or anything, but I know how much I wished she would be the kind of mom I wanted and not necessarily the way she was. And I know how hard that is to accept, and I try really hard with my own kids to be the kind of mom I WANTED. But I could never have changed who she was...it's just how she was. I understand how you build it up in your head...the "Maybe if I did such and such, she would...." But it really is just wishful thinking, as harsh as that sounds. I hope you can make peace with it, one way or another. I'm still struggling and my mom has been gone for over 15 years. Do you feel like you could confront her and have an open discussion with her? Would she be receptive or would she get defensive?

 

[KBLovedDisney]

I want to say I'm so sorry for what you have had to go through. My issues with my mom are completely different...she wasn't narcissistic or anything, but I know how much I wished she would be the kind of mom I wanted and not necessarily the way she was. And I know how hard that is to accept, and I try really hard with my own kids to be the kind of mom I WANTED. But I could never have changed who she was...it's just how she was. I understand how you build it up in your head...the "Maybe if I did such and such, she would...." But it really is just wishful thinking, as harsh as that sounds. I hope you can make peace with it, one way or another. I'm still struggling and my mom has been gone for over 15 years. Do you feel like you could confront her and have an open discussion with her? Would she be receptive or would she get defensive?

She would get highly defensive and claim that those situations didn't happen, or I was imagining things and of course this would end up making me feel like a crazy person.

(This part is hard, but I would like to share)
The last thing I confronted her about was some stuff I had packed away before I moved out of the house years ago. Back then, I didn't have room in the apartment my husband (then boyfriend) were living in. So, I packed it all up in a blue container and left it there in the attic. Came back to get it a few years ago, and it was gone. There were however, remnants of what was left in a laundry basket. Mostly trophies, but it looked like someone had just tossed them in there because a bunch of them were broken. I finally found out that my mother had taken the container and went through it, and put it in her closet. (She also stole a doll of mine that my grandmother gave me when I was 11 and claimed to have lost it, until she 'found' it in her closet.)

Unfortunately, my mom went through my stuff all of my life and took what she wanted and sold some other things. I would come home from school and look for a toy I wanted to play with later and never could find it. At the time, I seriously thought I was incredibly bad at keeping my stuff safe, but it was her taking my things.

I think you are right. I have to find a way to come to peace with this, because over the years with my husband, I have noticed the less contact I have with my family (unfortunately my mom isn't the only one like this), the happier I am and the better my marriage is.

 

[Songbird76]

She would get highly defensive and claim that those situations didn't happen, or I was imagining things and of course this would end up making me feel like a crazy person.

(This part is hard, but I would like to share)
The last thing I confronted her about was some stuff I had packed away before I moved out of the house years ago. Back then, I didn't have room in the apartment my husband (then boyfriend) were living in. So, I packed it all up in a blue container and left it there in the attic. Came back to get it a few years ago, and it was gone. There were however, remnants of what was left in a laundry basket. Mostly trophies, but it looked like someone had just tossed them in there because a bunch of them were broken. I finally found out that my mother had taken the container and went through it, and put it in her closet. (She also stole a doll of mine that my grandmother gave me when I was 11 and claimed to have lost it, until she 'found' it in her closet.)

Unfortunately, my mom went through my stuff all of my life and took what she wanted and sold some other things. I would come home from school and look for a toy I wanted to play with later and never could find it. At the time, I seriously thought I was incredibly bad at keeping my stuff safe, but it was her taking my things.

I think you are right. I have to find a way to come to peace with this, because over the years with my husband, I have noticed the less contact I have with my family (unfortunately my mom isn't the only one like this), the happier I am and the better my marriage is.

Yeah, I kind of figured she wouldn't receive it well if you confronted her, but thought I'd ask anyway. The few things I ever had the nerve to confront my mother about, she just flat out refused to admit that she was wrong for doing it. She never DENIED doing those things...just would never say sorry or admit she should have handled it differently. So I guess you decide where the boundary is. How much are you willing to take for the sake of salvaging whatever relationship is there and at what point do you declare it a lost cause. If it was just a lack of calls, I'd say make the effort. But it sounds like it's more toxic and only you can decide how much you're willing put up with. Sorry...it is a rough position to be in. And remember you always have the option of changing your mind. If you decide to stop calling and you don't like it, you can start again. And vice versa. Good luck!

 

[Jedi Stitch]

You are not alone. After my Dad's passing, it pretty much broke my family. I have 6 older brothers, and I am the only common line of communication between any of them. Actually my mom is the other, but she has a tendency to not tell the whole story and let things fester instead of telling anyone the real issue.
So, I can feel you and say you have to be the common line of communication between everyone, and make the calls, and do what you can.

 

[Sans Souci]

What is the "grey rock" method?

You basically make yourself as boring as possible. If she tries to bait you, change the subject to something boring. Respond to questions in a neutral tone--don't get snarky. Don't go out of your way to talk to her. It might take a while, but when she sees she can't use you anymore, she'll leave you alone. I went to my grandmother's house for Thanksgiving and that is what I did with my mom when I saw her. I answered her questions in a neutral tone and I did not ask her any. I acted like I was bored talking to her.

This might be difficult for you, but I stopped answering my mom's calls. I respond to the odd text, if it's not bait. She complains to my husband that I am not accessible.

I think people with these personality disorders need drama and chaos in their lives to feel alive--it's like adrenaline to them.

 

[KBLovedDisney]

You basically make yourself as boring as possible. If she tries to bait you, change the subject to something boring. Respond to questions in a neutral tone--don't get snarky. Don't go out of your way to talk to her. It might take a while, but when she sees she can't use you anymore, she'll leave you alone. I went to my grandmother's house for Thanksgiving and that is what I did with my mom when I saw her. I answered her questions in a neutral tone and I did not ask her any. I acted like I was bored talking to her.

This might be difficult for you, but I stopped answering my mom's calls. I respond to the odd text, if it's not bait. She complains to my husband that I am not accessible.

I think people with these personality disorders need drama and chaos in their lives to feel alive--it's like adrenaline to them.

Thank you! This sounds like something I might be able to do, and will help me tremendously.

 

[Sans Souci]

The last thing I confronted her about was some stuff I had packed away before I moved out of the house years ago. Back then, I didn't have room in the apartment my husband (then boyfriend) were living in. So, I packed it all up in a blue container and left it there in the attic. Came back to get it a few years ago, and it was gone. There were however, remnants of what was left in a laundry basket. Mostly trophies, but it looked like someone had just tossed them in there because a bunch of them were broken. I finally found out that my mother had taken the container and went through it, and put it in her closet. (She also stole a doll of mine that my grandmother gave me when I was 11 and claimed to have lost it, until she 'found' it in her closet.)

My mom did this, too. After I got married, I moved overseas. We came back to the US and my grandmother let us stay in her house until we found a place. My mother lived in this house, too. We moved out on a Thursday. We took most everything, except for some things in my bedroom. We were returning to get them on Saturday--two days later. She was short and snippy when I went to get them. She took all of my stuff and put it Glad bags and tossed them down the basement stairs. Strangely, enough, all of the Precious Moments that were given to me by a beloved relative were shattered beyond repair. I know they are only things, but I treasured them because of the person who gave them to me.

Anyway, years later my husband and I bought the house from my grandmother and we repeatedly asked her to remove her belongings. She never did. Last year, we had to move and we threw out all of her stuff. (For perspective, we bought the house in 2006, so she had plenty of time.) So, while we were getting the house ready to sell, we threw out most of her stuff in the basement. She had this Studio 56 Dickens Village set with retired pieces from the 80s. She started asking about it just before we moved out. Both my husband and I had never seen it while throwing out stuff, because we would have put it to the side if we had...

 

[DisneyPrincess5]

I am so sorry that you have this in your life @KBLovesDisney I also do (I think probably all of us do sadly whether it’s identified or not).

I used to drive myself crazy and run myself ragged trying to make them happy and comfortable. What I have learned through therapy and by becoming a therapist myself is that I have to attend to what I need and want because no matter what I do, it will never be good enough or what they’d like because their expectations are relentless and unrealistic. So I try to respectfully sad responsibly do what I need and want. It took a lot of practice but feels so good to be in that place. I was so conditioned to follow their lead that it felt like a betrayal at first. Then I learned I had been betraying myself the most.
And also important to have some healthy separation when needed.

Good luck and you’re not alone!

 

[KBLovedDisney]

I am so sorry that you have this in your life @KBLovesDisney I also do (I think probably all of us do sadly whether it’s identified or not).

I used to drive myself crazy and run myself ragged trying to make them happy and comfortable. What I have learned through therapy and by becoming a therapist myself is that I have to attend to what I need and want because no matter what I do, it will never be good enough or what they’d like because their expectations are relentless and unrealistic. So I try to respectfully sad responsibly do what I need and want. It took a lot of practice but feels so good to be in that place. I was so conditioned to follow their lead that it felt like a betrayal at first. Then I learned I had been betraying myself the most.
And also important to have some healthy separation when needed.

Good luck and you’re not alone!

Thank you. Yes, this year, regardless of losing my dad, I have distanced myself from my family. And it has been the best move I ever made. I have never felt such peace in my life. I hate that it had to be this way, but I think holidays or other special occasions are the only way I am able to handle being around them. (Even their FaceBook posts bother me )

 

[Ms.Sunshine]

I have a BPD mother as well. This thread has been really informative for me, so thank you for sharing. It's hard to convey these things to people with "normal" parents; they think you're being cruel, but its all about protecting yourself and your well being. It's like a mental chess game. I compare my relationship with my mother to drinking poison. If you let her, she will slowly kill you with her drama and nonsense. I'm gonna try that Grey Rock method the next time I have to interact with her.

 

[KBLovedDisney]

I have a BPD mother as well. This thread has been really informative for me, so thank you for sharing. It's hard to convey these things to people with "normal" parents; they think you're being cruel, but its all about protecting yourself and your well being. It's like a mental chess game. I compare my relationship with my mother to drinking poison. If you let her, she will slowly kill you with her drama and nonsense. I'm gonna try that Grey Rock method the next time I have to interact with her.

One of my therapist actually described my mother as an emotional vampire. Once she starts to get to you, it can be incredibly draining.

 

[KBLovedDisney]

Unfortunately enough with everything else going on, today, I got slapped in the face with another truth about my family. And it has brought me down once again. Why is is that kids that were raised in such an environment like I have been, strive with every ounce of their being to obtain the approval of the narcissistic parent? It makes no sense, but me and my siblings are very guilty of this. Also, it has put one of my siblings in a sickly state...and I can't get through to her that she needs to get out of the situation (she lives right next door to our mother).

 

[DisneyPrincess5]

Unfortunately enough with everything else going on, today, I got slapped in the face with another truth about my family. And it has brought me down once again. Why is is that kids that were raised in such an environment like I have been, strive with every ounce of their being to obtain the approval of the narcissistic parent? It makes no sense, but me and my siblings are very guilty of this. Also, it has put one of my siblings in a sickly state...and I can't get through to her that she needs to get out of the situation (she lives right next door to our mother).

I forgot to mention this when I first posted. A few years ago, my therapist suggested I read “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?-Healing the Daughters of Narcessistic Mothers” by Dr Karyn McBride and it changed my outlook. I think the answer to your question will get answered there.