How would you react? Advice or kind words please.

[KBLovedDisney]

I know this is probably not the best website to post this, but this site has been tremendously helpful.

I was raised by a very narcissistic (probably borderline personality disordered) mother. We dealt with my dad, her husband dying in February. In my mind and heart, I was hoping that this would wake her up out of the terrible narcissistic state. Unfortunately, I was very wrong.

After my dad passed, my family pretty much split and stopped calling one another. Before my dad passed, I was adamant about keeping in touch because my family was always very important to me. However, after he passed, it didn't take long for me to realize that I was the one making all of the phone calls.

So, yesterday, I called my mom since I haven't seen or heard from her since Thanksgiving. I asked her how she was and approached normal mundane topics to gently get to the point and ask her why hadn't she called me.

Her response: "I am scared to call you."
Me: "Why?"
Her: "Oh, because it's late at night and I don't want to scare you."
Me: "Why would you calling me scare me? I am your daughter."
Her: (Same response repeated about not wanting to scare me)

A little backstory, she is terrified of driving, she normally gets her sister to drive her anywhere she wants to go. Has major anxiety and takes waaaay too many meds and refuses to go see a therapist. But now she is 'terrified' of calling.

Guys, I know there is no true logic in a narcissist and I am trying to get my brain to shut off.

But, how would you react to this? Honestly, after the holidays, I might make an effort to stop trying so hard to keep the family connected. I am the youngest and I don't think that kind of responsibility should be on me.

 

[Nemo14]

As a parent of adult kids I can kind of understand where she’s coming from. I know how busy my kids are with their own lives and I hate to call at a bad time. Texting works much better for us because they reply when it’s a convenient time for them and I don’t have to feel like I’m a bother.
As far as the scare thing, she probably is thinking that during your father’s illness, her calls to you were bad news about him so she doesn’t want you to think she’s calling with bad news about herself or doesn’t want you to think that she’s not handling his passing well.
Whatever her reasoning is or how twisted it may seem, now is not the time to turn your back on her. She needs her family’s support, be it by a phone call, a visit, or even just a card in the mail to let her know you love her.

 

[epcotisbest]

I read your post a couple of times and started to not even reply then decided to. If she is not calling you, for whatever reason, or as confusing as her reasoning may be, just bypass all that and you call her. There is nothing wrong with you doing all the calling, doing the reaching out, even if it feels like no one else is making the effort. If you make the effort, then you can take comfort in knowing you tried.

 

[DisneyJoe]

If everyone was worried about calling at a bad time, no one would call anyone; my parents say the same to me. It's so disheartening.

Call!

 

[KBLovedDisney]

As a parent of adult kids I can kind of understand where she’s coming from. I know how busy my kids are with their own lives and I hate to call at a bad time. Texting works much better for us because they reply when it’s a convenient time for them and I don’t have to feel like I’m a bother.
As far as the scare thing, she probably is thinking that during your father’s illness, her calls to you were bad news about him so she doesn’t want you to think she’s calling with bad news about herself or doesn’t want you to think that she’s not handling his passing well.
Whatever her reasoning is or how twisted it may seem, now is not the time to turn your back on her. She needs her family’s support, be it by a phone call, a visit, or even just a card in the mail to let her know you love her.

I just wish it was that easy. However, she is extremely narcissistic and makes any situation whether good or bad, into something extremely horrible and turns herself into the victim. I have always been one to be there right when she needs me, but she has not been there for me which makes this even more difficult.

Yes, I know that makes me sound selfish as all get out but you would have to have been there. She made the home look like a perfect white picket fence on the outside, but it was horrible on the inside. My parents never communicated, only fought. And whenever my dad was away, she never had time for us. She wasn't emotionally available to us, and when I did ask her anything motherly towards a daughter, she would turn to me and say I'm fine and don't need it.

To make matters worse, this same woman turned to me one day out of the blue and said that she wished she never had kids.

(Trust me, I didn't unload a lot of stuff here because it sounds too ridiculous and really really wrong).

 

[KBLovedDisney]

All in all, I am just trying to understand why feelings/actions are not being reciprocated. The only reason she called me before my dad passed (or even got sick) was because I was her outlet to vent to about how horrible my dad was...which he really wasn't. I mean don't get me wrong, he could very well be a jack 'a' from time to time and focused waaay too much on money, but she is a spendaholic...

And that just opens up a whole new can of worms.

Ugh, my head hurts.

And just to add another note here, I have had several therapist tell me to cut ties.

So hard man. This would make one horrible soap opera.

 

[KBLovedDisney]

And I think I just answered my own question. Sorry guys. Didn't mean to vent, but it has just been really hard this year.

 

[epcotisbest]

And I think I just answered my own question. Sorry guys. Didn't mean to vent, but it has just been really hard this year.

Nothing to apologize for. It is nice to be able to vent a little. Hope things get better soon.

 

[KBLovedDisney]

Thank you all.

 

[21stamps]

All in all, I am just trying to understand why feelings/actions are not being reciprocated. The only reason she called me before my dad passed (or even got sick) was because I was her outlet to vent to about how horrible my dad was...which he really wasn't. I mean don't get me wrong, he could very well be a jack 'a' from time to time and focused waaay too much on money, but she is a spendaholic...

And that just opens up a whole new can of worms.

Ugh, my head hurts.

And just to add another note here, I have had several therapist tell me to cut ties.

So hard man. This would make one horrible soap opera.

...

 

[KBLovedDisney]

No worries

 

[21stamps]

Wow. So sorry you had to go through all of that. And that isn't narcissism. That is going through a bad time and shutting yourself off so you can cope. You aren't anywhere near what a narcissist is. You just had to deal with something traumatizing, and your body and mind had to shut off to handle the situation; this is what several therapist has described to me as disassociating yourself to get your mind off of the bad going on that moment. It just happens with trauma.

However, my mother has been this way ever since I can remember. It wasn't just during one bad circumstance. I would understand if it was just this year after going through the heartbreak of losing my dad or something else traumatizing, but she has done a lot of bad things. I prefer not to go into too much but it has done major damage. She IS a narcissist.

I could make a list to the twisted things she has done, but I don't want to get this post deleted. Just know they were psychologically damaging.

Thank you.

I’m sorry about your relationship with your mother. Do what is best for you. If her issues cause damage to your psyche, then maybe continuing to reach out is not the best thing. I believe in a free pass when certain situations arise, and I’m lucky that people have given me one..or more. That said, I do not believe in letting someone else drag you down with negativity. Some things can’t be forgiven, and sometimes a breaking point has to happen.
Take care of you first and foremost if she is toxic.

 

[KBLovedDisney]

...

Why the elipses? If I upset you by my reply, I truly am sorry. It's not that I am not empathetic to your situation, I just know that you were not a narcissist.

 

[21stamps]

Why the elipses? If I upset you by my reply, I truly am sorry. It's not that I am not empathetic to your situation, I just know that you were not a narcissist.

No not at all! I deleted the words because I regretted typing it., I should have sent it in a pm instead of here for the world to see. I can’t delete the post so had to edit.

 

[KBLovedDisney]

No not at all! I deleted the words because I regretted typing it., I should have sent it in a pm instead of here for the world to see. I can’t delete the post so had to edit.

Ah, gotcha. I edited my response so your post isn't seen.

 

[21stamps]

Ok. Would you like me to delete my reply that has your post in it as well?

If you wouldn’t mind. Sorry for the trouble!

 

[KBLovedDisney]

If you wouldn’t mind. Sorry for the trouble!

No trouble at all

 

[21stamps]

Ah, gotcha. I edited my response so your post isn't seen.

No trouble at all

Thank you! I appreciate it.

 

[Sans Souci]

All in all, I am just trying to understand why feelings/actions are not being reciprocated. The only reason she called me before my dad passed (or even got sick) was because I was her outlet to vent to about how horrible my dad was...which he really wasn't. I mean don't get me wrong, he could very well be a jack 'a' from time to time and focused waaay too much on money, but she is a spendaholic...

And that just opens up a whole new can of worms.

Ugh, my head hurts.

And just to add another note here, I have had several therapist tell me to cut ties.

So hard man. This would make one horrible soap opera.

There is nothing to understand. All you need to know is she is about herself. She will use you (and others) to extract whatever she needs--without regard for you and your boundaries. Once she gets what she wants, she'll stop communicating. She will never change. My mother has BPD, so I am reading your posts and nodding my head in empathy.

It's not your responsibility to keep your family together. Parents with BPD "groom" us into certain roles and then use that to manipulate the family dynamic.

I, too, have stories that I don't share, because I feel like people wouldn't believe me or I would be accused of exaggerating. Every time an important event would happen in my life, she would "get sick" or she would "create drama." Months before my wedding, she got all these weird, ridiculous symptoms, but no doctor could ever find out her issue. Just before my college graduation, she decided she wanted to sit us all down to tell us what was wrong with all of us. (Telling my husband and me we have a "codependent relationship.") I un-invited her to my graduation after her tirade and I had a pleasant, quiet luncheon with my family and friends afterwards. Oh and then the lovely smear campaigns to other family members--good times. These stories are the tip of the iceberg--I have typed and deleted so much! LOL

I have gone very low contact with my mother and I use the "grey rock" method when I need to interact with her. I don't take her drama bait and I answer her questions in a matter of fact manner. She sees I won't take her drama bait and she leaves me alone.

Anyway, here are some sites I find helpful.

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/
^I found this one helpful to see other people had similar experiences to mine. I found that comforting.

https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com
^ lots of good posts here

Only you can make the decision to cut ties. There is a life out there where you don't get sucked into drama, where you don't walk on eggshells and you live your life for *you*.

 

[Songbird76]

Ok, I have issues with my mother that I never resolved before she passed, so take this with a grain of salt. But you said you have been the one to make all the calls because family has always been important to you. So I'm wondering...is your mother included in that? It sounded like maybe there were more people in your family that you are also the one keeping the contact and that your mother is the one who is not receptive. And it also sounds like there's a lot of hurt there because of her. So I guess you need to decide HOW important is that relationship with HER? Is it important enough to continue to make the effort, knowing how she is? Because you will not be able to change her. So if what you are wanting is the ideal parent/child relationship that you wish you had and you are hoping to create that by calling and giving her the opportunity to respond, I'm sorry to say that that doesn't sound realistic. If what you want is for her to finally be a mother, it's probably not going to happen. If you are feeling like that's your role...you are the peace maker and the glue that holds the family together now that dad is gone, if that's an important role to you, then you should continue, but only if you can accept things as they are without wanting to change it. It's kind of the old "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." You can keep that line of communication open, but you can't force her to be the mother she should have been. If she's important to you because of the blood ties and you feel like you have a responsibility to her, by all means, keep calling. But be prepared for it to continue the way it has always been.