working out for Disney

[Sans Souci]

Is your brother older or younger? My brother is older, and my mom thought the sun rose and set out of his rear, and he lied through his teeth to get whatever he wanted. She saw what she wanted to see. She couldn't bear to think of him as less than perfect, so I was the convenient scapegoat. Sounds like maybe you were too?

I am older, but he was treated like he was older once we were both in our teens. He was a "problem child" so a lot of energy and attention went to him to help him. My mother got kind of nasty towards me when I hit my teens. I don't know if she saw me as competition or what, but it's not for me to figure out or resolve. She had the worst temper and I was always walking on eggshells so I wouldn't set her off.

My brother was arrested and it was on the local news. It was not murder, or soliciting it or any sort of assault. He had something he should not have had and he had a news-worthy amount of it in his possession. He was charged with a Class X felony. My mother posted his bail, but she approached my husband and me to chip in for a defense lawyer. I said no, that it would make things tight for us. Then she said, "But you are going to Disney later this year, maybe you could not do that this year." My husband laughed. He told her that we were not canceling our vacation to fund someone who knew he was doing something highly illegal. Why should we forgo a holiday because of someone's criminal behavior? To me, that is enabling behavior. What makes me angry is that my son was a toddler when this happened and he liked to visit my brother and his GF. So, my son could have potentially gotten into this stuff. Additionally, I kept seeing people in cars parked outside my house for long periods of time and I had no idea why. It made sense after the arrest; we were likely being surveilled as potential accomplices. I mentioned this to my mom and she told me to stop making it about me. I just slowly phased myself out of their toxic dynamics and focused on my family. I had to do was right for myself and my mental health.

 

[Sans Souci]

Hello-

I have been working out, I just got busy with stuff here over the weekend. Today was back and shoulders.

Had a series of funny raccoon encounters the other night. I was feeding the cat and this raccoon started creeping towards her as she was eating. She did see him and just watched. It even made eye contact with me and froze. Then it started creeping again. I told it to go away, but I didn't shout. I didn't want to scare Callie. It did leave, but then 5 minutes later I saw Callie tracking something on the eaves and her pupils were very big. I opened the door and I could hear something walking up there. She was spooked and left for a bit. Then my husband saw one coming towards the area where Callie eats, so he went outside and made loud noises to scare it. It looked like he ran around the house, but it was hiding behind a large flowerpot. It popped its head up to see if my husband was still outside. It made me laugh, the way it just popped up. My husband growled at it and it left--for a bit. My son then saw it drinking water, so he let it drink a bit before scaring it away.

There is also an orange cat who has been hanging around. He has been seen here and there in the yard or at the back door for the past year, but I never saw him. I finally did the other night. My son says he comes to the door, but runs away when he sees a human. There is room in Callie's house for 2 cats, but she has no control over her bathroom functions, so I don't know if he would be down with sharing a house with her. We change her bedding out on a daily basis, but we can't do that until she leaves. I don't mind feeding one more cat, but I don't want him pushing Callie out, either. We've made a lot of progress with her. I know she can never be a house cat, but I feel like she trusts us as much as one can expect from a feral cat.

 

[StarWarsGirl]

I am older, but he was treated like he was older once we were both in our teens. He was a "problem child" so a lot of energy and attention went to him to help him. My mother got kind of nasty towards me when I hit my teens. I don't know if she saw me as competition or what, but it's not for me to figure out or resolve. She had the worst temper and I was always walking on eggshells so I wouldn't set her off.

My brother was arrested and it was on the local news. It was not murder, or soliciting it or any sort of assault. He had something he should not have had and he had a news-worthy amount of it in his possession. He was charged with a Class X felony. My mother posted his bail, but she approached my husband and me to chip in for a defense lawyer. I said no, that it would make things tight for us. Then she said, "But you are going to Disney later this year, maybe you could not do that this year." My husband laughed. He told her that we were not canceling our vacation to fund someone who knew he was doing something highly illegal. Why should we forgo a holiday because of someone's criminal behavior? To me, that is enabling behavior. What makes me angry is that my son was a toddler when this happened and he liked to visit my brother and his GF. So, my son could have potentially gotten into this stuff. Additionally, I kept seeing people in cars parked outside my house for long periods of time and I had no idea why. It made sense after the arrest; we were likely being surveilled as potential accomplices. I mentioned this to my mom and she told me to stop making it about me. I just slowly phased myself out of their toxic dynamics and focused on my family. I had to do was right for myself and my mental health.

Ugh. I have a cousin on both sides of the family whose one of "those". It's so frustrating when relatives enable. My grandmother was always the enabler on my dad's side. Fortunately, she stopped enabling him. His whole situation is a mess. Last I heard he was currently out of jail, but who knows how long that will last. Cousin on the other side of the family has been clean, but her sister is having some serious health issues, so it wouldn't surprise me if she crashes (though she has a son and I really hope not for his sake). Anyway, one of the reasons she got sober was because her family stopped enabling her. Necessary, but sadly so many parents don't see that in order to love their kids when they're on drugs, tough love is the most loving thing they can do.

 

[StarWarsGirl]

Still haven't made it to the gym. My mother was kind enough to bring me home a cold from WDW, so right as I was starting to feel better from the sinus infection, I picked up the cold. It's really nasty too; body aches, cough, the works. I've had enough of being sick. I work from home; I should not be getting sick like this.

I spent the majority of the weekend resting, but I did work on my office, which is almost done save a few details. The new desk is together minus the drawers. I need to mess with them to get them to slide in all the way. I've rearranged all of the furniture, including the shelves on the bookcase that I put together a while back. Good news...there's room for more books. There's touch up painting that needs to be done, which my mom will come in here and do. I have artwork that hasn't shipped yet. At least one piece will go in the office. The rest will go elsewhere in the basement. I have a Star Wars posted that I need to get a frame for. Then I'll probably get at least one more piece in WDW. I'm trying to not let my father turn the office into the land of the forgotten artwork, which is what he attempted to do.

Additionally, my last semester of my accounting degree started last week. I currently have one class, which I'm mad that I even have to take. It's a management course, and my first degree was in business administration. I was trying to have a good attitude about it until I started the reading and it said, "What is management?" So basically, I'm paying $1k for this class to do busy work this semester. Oh, I fought and fought and fought the school to try to get out of it. They wouldn't budge. So I shall take it so that they will give me my degree. The other class is in accounting ethics. Not thrilled about that because I took ethics with my first degree, but at least they're centralizing it around accounting issues so it's not a total repeat. That one doesn't start until next month.

 

[Songbird76]

I am older, but he was treated like he was older once we were both in our teens. He was a "problem child" so a lot of energy and attention went to him to help him. My mother got kind of nasty towards me when I hit my teens. I don't know if she saw me as competition or what, but it's not for me to figure out or resolve. She had the worst temper and I was always walking on eggshells so I wouldn't set her off.

My brother was arrested and it was on the local news. It was not murder, or soliciting it or any sort of assault. He had something he should not have had and he had a news-worthy amount of it in his possession. He was charged with a Class X felony. My mother posted his bail, but she approached my husband and me to chip in for a defense lawyer. I said no, that it would make things tight for us. Then she said, "But you are going to Disney later this year, maybe you could not do that this year." My husband laughed. He told her that we were not canceling our vacation to fund someone who knew he was doing something highly illegal. Why should we forgo a holiday because of someone's criminal behavior? To me, that is enabling behavior. What makes me angry is that my son was a toddler when this happened and he liked to visit my brother and his GF. So, my son could have potentially gotten into this stuff. Additionally, I kept seeing people in cars parked outside my house for long periods of time and I had no idea why. It made sense after the arrest; we were likely being surveilled as potential accomplices. I mentioned this to my mom and she told me to stop making it about me. I just slowly phased myself out of their toxic dynamics and focused on my family. I had to do was right for myself and my mental health.

I don't even know what to say to that. Yikes....that's messed up. My brother was "gifted" and my mom LOVED that he was gifted. I think because it made her look good, like she could take credit for it. We were judged harshly for my parents being divorced, and you know the statistics...children from "broken" homes often have behavioral problems, don't do well in school, get into trouble, etc. And because they were divorced, my mom had to find work and we were pretty poor. We were lucky we lived in Wyoming where the cost of living is a lot lower than it would be near a major city, but we still didn't have the luxuries, and poverty is also one of those statistical groups in which kids are expected not to do well. So my brother being gifted was like my mother's answer to all that....she couldn't be doing a bad job as a single mom if her kids were doing so well, right? It all came easily to him, but I struggled more, and of course that would make her look bad. So she was very strict and very hard on me with grades. She saw my brother as this perfect angel, and I was the "problem child". I was the scapegoat. If he got in trouble for something, it was inevitably my fault. I must have persuaded him to do it. Or she just assumed I had done it. And like your mom, she had a horrible temper. I remember cowering in fear once as she advanced on me for something he had done. We had watched some home movies on this screen she had, and she had not had time to put the screen away. She warned us explicitly not to touch the screen because it was OLD, and fragile and if was to rip, she didn't want it to be our fault. I was a rule follower. I didn't go near it. But my brother was kind of arrogant...he was so smart and responsible....there was no way he could possibly screw up. Wouldn't mom be so grateful to him when he managed to put it away and she didn't have to do it?? And what happened when he did it? It ripped. And rather than go to my mom and admit what he'd done, he just let it roll back up in the tube like nothing was wrong and begged me not to say anything. Mom came home, saw it was rolled up now, and went to check it and saw that it was ripped. We were BOTH sitting there, but she didn't even ask who did it. She just whipped around and stomped toward me and she was FURIOUS. I knew she was going to spank me HARD. I finally blurted out that HE had done it, not me. She didn't believe me at first, but the fact that HE then got mad at me for tattling clued her in. But he was perfectly willing to let me take that swat for him. He wasn't going to say anything as long as I was the one getting in trouble instead. I think I ended up getting grounded for a week because I didn't tell her until she found it. It didn't matter that I had had nothing to do with it. If she could let him off the hook for something by making it my fault, she got to keep thinking he was perfect. She already thought I was a screw up, so her image of me would just be confirmed again and she could make excuses for him. It was an accident...he was trying to help. But -I- purposely lied. That happened so many times with so many different things. I was such a disappointment to her. I'm kind of glad she passed before I had kids. I know she would NOT like the way I raise them and my mom was one of those women who would spank someone else's child if she thought they were misbehaving. There's no way she would have just let me handle the discipline of my children myself and that cycle of abuse would just continue.

I'm so sorry your brother put your family, and especially your son, at risk. And that your mom expected YOU to fix it. You definitely did the right thing by putting up boundaries. I was terrible at that with my mom, and my mom didn't respect boundaries at all. Even when I was living on my own, she refused to go outside to smoke even after I told her I could get evicted. Nope, SHE was the mom, and that meant that SHE made the rules. Even in MY house.

 

[Sans Souci]

Ugh. I have a cousin on both sides of the family whose one of "those". It's so frustrating when relatives enable. My grandmother was always the enabler on my dad's side. Fortunately, she stopped enabling him. His whole situation is a mess. Last I heard he was currently out of jail, but who knows how long that will last. Cousin on the other side of the family has been clean, but her sister is having some serious health issues, so it wouldn't surprise me if she crashes (though she has a son and I really hope not for his sake). Anyway, one of the reasons she got sober was because her family stopped enabling her. Necessary, but sadly so many parents don't see that in order to love their kids when they're on drugs, tough love is the most loving thing they can do.

Not that this makes the situation any better, but he didn't use what he was selling. He just had such a large amount of it that is was a major felony. My brother did sort out his life, though. He moved out of the state, dropped his group of "friends" and now he owns a small business. My mother did fund his defense and he was able to get off because he was to give info about individuals who were the "bigger fish." So that was a teachable moment, to put it mildly. I agree that enabling comes from a place of good intentions, especially when someone will promise you they will clean up after this "one time", if you just do "x" and "y" for them. I think some people do it sometimes as harm reduction, such as letting someone do drugs in your house, or letting a family member stay in your house because they were kicked out of their parents house for doing drugs. At least you can keep an eye on them if they are using and at least you know your grandchild or niece/nephew is not sleeping rough.

 

[Sans Souci]

Still haven't made it to the gym. My mother was kind enough to bring me home a cold from WDW, so right as I was starting to feel better from the sinus infection, I picked up the cold. It's really nasty too; body aches, cough, the works. I've had enough of being sick. I work from home; I should not be getting sick like this.

I spent the majority of the weekend resting, but I did work on my office, which is almost done save a few details. The new desk is together minus the drawers. I need to mess with them to get them to slide in all the way. I've rearranged all of the furniture, including the shelves on the bookcase that I put together a while back. Good news...there's room for more books. There's touch up painting that needs to be done, which my mom will come in here and do. I have artwork that hasn't shipped yet. At least one piece will go in the office. The rest will go elsewhere in the basement. I have a Star Wars posted that I need to get a frame for. Then I'll probably get at least one more piece in WDW. I'm trying to not let my father turn the office into the land of the forgotten artwork, which is what he attempted to do.

Additionally, my last semester of my accounting degree started last week. I currently have one class, which I'm mad that I even have to take. It's a management course, and my first degree was in business administration. I was trying to have a good attitude about it until I started the reading and it said, "What is management?" So basically, I'm paying $1k for this class to do busy work this semester. Oh, I fought and fought and fought the school to try to get out of it. They wouldn't budge. So I shall take it so that they will give me my degree. The other class is in accounting ethics. Not thrilled about that because I took ethics with my first degree, but at least they're centralizing it around accounting issues so it's not a total repeat. That one doesn't start until next month.

That final semester was always a challenge for me! The fact that it's one class that feels redundant to you probably makes it worse. I know ethics isn't the most exciting course, but I would rather have that than something "quanty" in my final term. I was so burned out by the time I got to that final term, the longer days and spring made it hard to motivate myself at the weekends. My husband would take our son to fun places like the zoo so I could study in peace most of the day. I always wanted to go with them.

 

[Sans Souci]

I don't even know what to say to that. Yikes....that's messed up. My brother was "gifted" and my mom LOVED that he was gifted. I think because it made her look good, like she could take credit for it. We were judged harshly for my parents being divorced, and you know the statistics...children from "broken" homes often have behavioral problems, don't do well in school, get into trouble, etc. And because they were divorced, my mom had to find work and we were pretty poor. We were lucky we lived in Wyoming where the cost of living is a lot lower than it would be near a major city, but we still didn't have the luxuries, and poverty is also one of those statistical groups in which kids are expected not to do well. So my brother being gifted was like my mother's answer to all that....she couldn't be doing a bad job as a single mom if her kids were doing so well, right? It all came easily to him, but I struggled more, and of course that would make her look bad. So she was very strict and very hard on me with grades. She saw my brother as this perfect angel, and I was the "problem child". I was the scapegoat. If he got in trouble for something, it was inevitably my fault. I must have persuaded him to do it. Or she just assumed I had done it. And like your mom, she had a horrible temper. I remember cowering in fear once as she advanced on me for something he had done. We had watched some home movies on this screen she had, and she had not had time to put the screen away. She warned us explicitly not to touch the screen because it was OLD, and fragile and if was to rip, she didn't want it to be our fault. I was a rule follower. I didn't go near it. But my brother was kind of arrogant...he was so smart and responsible....there was no way he could possibly screw up. Wouldn't mom be so grateful to him when he managed to put it away and she didn't have to do it?? And what happened when he did it? It ripped. And rather than go to my mom and admit what he'd done, he just let it roll back up in the tube like nothing was wrong and begged me not to say anything. Mom came home, saw it was rolled up now, and went to check it and saw that it was ripped. We were BOTH sitting there, but she didn't even ask who did it. She just whipped around and stomped toward me and she was FURIOUS. I knew she was going to spank me HARD. I finally blurted out that HE had done it, not me. She didn't believe me at first, but the fact that HE then got mad at me for tattling clued her in. But he was perfectly willing to let me take that swat for him. He wasn't going to say anything as long as I was the one getting in trouble instead. I think I ended up getting grounded for a week because I didn't tell her until she found it. It didn't matter that I had had nothing to do with it. If she could let him off the hook for something by making it my fault, she got to keep thinking he was perfect. She already thought I was a screw up, so her image of me would just be confirmed again and she could make excuses for him. It was an accident...he was trying to help. But -I- purposely lied. That happened so many times with so many different things. I was such a disappointment to her. I'm kind of glad she passed before I had kids. I know she would NOT like the way I raise them and my mom was one of those women who would spank someone else's child if she thought they were misbehaving. There's no way she would have just let me handle the discipline of my children myself and that cycle of abuse would just continue.

I'm so sorry your brother put your family, and especially your son, at risk. And that your mom expected YOU to fix it. You definitely did the right thing by putting up boundaries. I was terrible at that with my mom, and my mom didn't respect boundaries at all. Even when I was living on my own, she refused to go outside to smoke even after I told her I could get evicted. Nope, SHE was the mom, and that meant that SHE made the rules. Even in MY house.

My mother used to treat my house like it was hers, too. We lived a few blocks away from my grandmother and my mom. She would come over and start rearranging furniture. She would show up at my door step whenever she wanted. What bothered me the most is she would be angry and she would be nasty to me in MY house. Are you really going to barge your way in and give me the silent treatment? She is just not a nice person. She came to visit me in the UK when I was living there on my fiancee visa. She accidentally (on purpose) dropped a jar of Nutella on her foot, so we spent the evening of my 25th birthday in the ER with her. We had to cancel our dinner reservations. She gouged the walls with her suitcase when it was time for her to go back. Then, she told people I was being beaten. I had family members calling me up, asking if I needed help getting back to the US. Some of my family were cold towards my husband for the longest time because of that. She ruined every holiday by having these blow ups that put everyone in edge. During one of these blow ups, she threated to call DCFS on my husband and me. I was incandescent with rage, I put my cell phone in her hand and dared her to call. I was confident they would find nothing. She stopped. She never apologizes and when I would try to tell her about the things she did that hurt me, she would either claim that never happened or she doesn't remember. So, all I can do now is accept she will never accept responsibility for how she treated my brother and me as children into adulthood. I get angry with myself for accepting this behavior for so long and hoping she would change. Society doesn't like when an adult child cuts off their parent. I had to do this, I got tired of always giving her a second chance. It's not a decision I made lightly. I am a ball of anxiety from tip toeing around my mother for so long. People tell me to stop being so anxious all the time and I am like, how? It's like telling me to stop breathing.

 

[Sans Souci]

Hello-

Checking in with a leg/bicep and jump rope workout. I am doing a month long program in the app I am really loving right now. Some of the workouts are 70-90 min., which I dread, but I only have a week and a half left. I am going to stick it out. I am sleeping better and longer, so maybe it's from the longer workouts. 45 min is my sweet spot nowadays, so when I done with this program, I'll do another in the app that has shorter workouts.

I decided that I will probably go to Tampa with my husband. I'd like to sit in the sun, it helps my mood. I felt a little mood boost when we went to AZ last month. We spent a lot of time outdoors. I am guessing the sun is better for improving moods at lower latitudes this time of year. I'll just bring things to do and read with me and see what's near by to Uber to a park with a trail or something. My husband is getting a rental, but since it's a work rental, he is the only one who can drive it.

Also here is Callie napping in the folds of the outdoor rug that was blown to the side from the high winds last week.

 

[StarWarsGirl]

Not that this makes the situation any better, but he didn't use what he was selling. He just had such a large amount of it that is was a major felony. My brother did sort out his life, though. He moved out of the state, dropped his group of "friends" and now he owns a small business. My mother did fund his defense and he was able to get off because he was to give info about individuals who were the "bigger fish." So that was a teachable moment, to put it mildly. I agree that enabling comes from a place of good intentions, especially when someone will promise you they will clean up after this "one time", if you just do "x" and "y" for them. I think some people do it sometimes as harm reduction, such as letting someone do drugs in your house, or letting a family member stay in your house because they were kicked out of their parents house for doing drugs. At least you can keep an eye on them if they are using and at least you know your grandchild or niece/nephew is not sleeping rough.

Yeah, with my cousins, it was all the opposite. They were using and trying to find ways to get the money to find their habits. All of them also have bipolar disorder, which is why I'm pretty on top of my mental health. On my dad's side, I had two who have used. The older one only used pot to self medicate before he was diagnosed, but he was a total mess otherwise. My aunt and uncle kicked him out, and he intentionally got himself caught and went to prison. Got his GED in prison, his HVAC license, now he has a family. Pretty sure he still smokes pot, but (not to get too political) I live in a state where it's legal, and even though I personally would not smoke anything (cigarettes, pot, vape, etc) what he does in his house is his business.

My other cousin (his brother) has done the hard stuff. He's a deadbeat. My aunt had custody of his daughters because both he and his gf at the time went to prison for theft. She has gotten out and has straightened herself out. She's not winning any mother-of-the-year awards, but she is trying, which I give her credit for, and she's managed to stay sober. He on the other hand has been in and out of prison. Most recently for non-payment of child support. Which was so stupid because she told him she'd drop the issue if he agreed to spend some time with his daughters. Whelp, he didn't, so she went after him.

And then on my mom's side, the one cousin over there has also had issues using for years. She lost custody of her son, which got her to straighten out. Last I heard, she has pretty generous visitation, but the father has full custody. As well he should at this point. It got so bad that her father (my uncle) testified against her in court so she'd lose custody. She had multiple lawyers drop her. It was just a mess. But yeah, my uncle and grandfather were enabling for a while, mostly for the sake of the kid, and then finally dropped her on her butt and made nice with the father so they could still see the kid. Considering she got clean, best thing they could have done for her.

 

[Sans Souci]

Yeah, with my cousins, it was all the opposite. They were using and trying to find ways to get the money to find their habits. All of them also have bipolar disorder, which is why I'm pretty on top of my mental health. On my dad's side, I had two who have used. The older one only used pot to self medicate before he was diagnosed, but he was a total mess otherwise. My aunt and uncle kicked him out, and he intentionally got himself caught and went to prison. Got his GED in prison, his HVAC license, now he has a family. Pretty sure he still smokes pot, but (not to get too political) I live in a state where it's legal, and even though I personally would not smoke anything (cigarettes, pot, vape, etc) what he does in his house is his business.

My other cousin (his brother) has done the hard stuff. He's a deadbeat. My aunt had custody of his daughters because both he and his gf at the time went to prison for theft. She has gotten out and has straightened herself out. She's not winning any mother-of-the-year awards, but she is trying, which I give her credit for, and she's managed to stay sober. He on the other hand has been in and out of prison. Most recently for non-payment of child support. Which was so stupid because she told him she'd drop the issue if he agreed to spend some time with his daughters. Whelp, he didn't, so she went after him.

And then on my mom's side, the one cousin over there has also had issues using for years. She lost custody of her son, which got her to straighten out. Last I heard, she has pretty generous visitation, but the father has full custody. As well he should at this point. It got so bad that her father (my uncle) testified against her in court so she'd lose custody. She had multiple lawyers drop her. It was just a mess. But yeah, my uncle and grandfather were enabling for a while, mostly for the sake of the kid, and then finally dropped her on her butt and made nice with the father so they could still see the kid. Considering she got clean, best thing they could have done for her.

I think there is a lot of stigma surrounding families who have addicts in them, but I also think it's more common than we realize (or willing to admit).

 

[Sans Souci]

Good morning-

Checking in with a boxing and ab workout. It was a little boring, since those of my two least favorite types of exercise.

I made a little more progress with Callie this AM. I had her come in because it was still dark out and I have seen raccoons out just before the sun comes up. After she was done eating, I sat near her and stuck my hand out. I started talking to her and she rubbed her face against my hand, which is her way of saying, "Scratches, pls." So I started scratching her chin and her head. She was purring and kneading. I put my head at her level and she kept butting into it. I stopped after a little bit. I always tell her she is the cutest cat in NJ and she does a slow blink when I say that. She never lets me approach her when she in the house. There was one time she let me approach her, but I could tell she was not entirely comfortable, so I backed off.

 

[Songbird76]

My mother used to treat my house like it was hers, too. We lived a few blocks away from my grandmother and my mom. She would come over and start rearranging furniture. She would show up at my door step whenever she wanted. What bothered me the most is she would be angry and she would be nasty to me in MY house. Are you really going to barge your way in and give me the silent treatment? She is just not a nice person. She came to visit me in the UK when I was living there on my fiancee visa. She accidentally (on purpose) dropped a jar of Nutella on her foot, so we spent the evening of my 25th birthday in the ER with her. We had to cancel our dinner reservations. She gouged the walls with her suitcase when it was time for her to go back. Then, she told people I was being beaten. I had family members calling me up, asking if I needed help getting back to the US. Some of my family were cold towards my husband for the longest time because of that. She ruined every holiday by having these blow ups that put everyone in edge. During one of these blow ups, she threated to call DCFS on my husband and me. I was incandescent with rage, I put my cell phone in her hand and dared her to call. I was confident they would find nothing. She stopped. She never apologizes and when I would try to tell her about the things she did that hurt me, she would either claim that never happened or she doesn't remember. So, all I can do now is accept she will never accept responsibility for how she treated my brother and me as children into adulthood. I get angry with myself for accepting this behavior for so long and hoping she would change. Society doesn't like when an adult child cuts off their parent. I had to do this, I got tired of always giving her a second chance. It's not a decision I made lightly. I am a ball of anxiety from tip toeing around my mother for so long. People tell me to stop being so anxious all the time and I am like, how? It's like telling me to stop breathing.

Yes exactly! I can't help it that I am insecure. It comes from YEARS of being told I wasn't good enough and being controlled because obviously I was so incompetent that if I was left to my own devices, I would fail completely. I still have anxiety about friendships, wondering if people actually like me or are just being sociably acceptable and nice. Like I always feel I have to perform and be who people want me to be, because "me" isn't enough. If even your own mother thinks you are a screw up and annoying, how is the rest of society supposed to accept you? I tried so hard to be who she wanted me to be, and who she wanted me to be was HER. And I couldn't be her, so I was never going to succeed. My husband gets frustrated with me when I'm insecure, but he never had someone telling him constantly that he had to change to earn acceptance. His parents were always supportive of him and showed him affection. My mother did not like displays of affection. She didn't even like me sitting next to my boyfriend in college, or holding hands. She considered that "being all over each other". And she would come to my concerts, and I would have a solo, and she would never applaud. I asked her once why she didn't applaud at concerts. (not just mine... She didn't even applaud when we saw Phantom of the opera on Broadway in NYC) She said she didn't believe in rewarding people with applause just because. She wouldn't applaud unless they really deserved it. Well, I guess she didn't think I was a very good singer, but if Broadway professionals didn't deserve it, how could a high school girl like me compete? You'd think that she would be more.... Validating to her own child, but I wasn't worthy because I wasn't enough like her. I feel like you and I have similar issues because of the way we grew up. I totally understand your pain and that social pressure to keep that relationship with the parent who abused you, because people think that emotional abuse isn't abuse and that your parent somehow has a RIGHT to abuse you because they paid for shelter and food for nearly two decades... Like that earned them a free pass to treat you horribly and you should thank them for it. You are so strong to have cut your mom out and say you weren't going to put yourself through that anymore. I never had the strength to do that. My mom died when I was 25 and I kept trying to earn her love up until the day she passed.

 

[StarWarsGirl]

I think there is a lot of stigma surrounding families who have addicts in them, but I also think it's more common than we realize (or willing to admit).

It could be the millennial in me, but I'm pretty open about it. Mental health struggles run in our family, as does addiction. My great grandfather was an alcoholic. My maternal grandfather has definitely had struggles with alcohol. I have anxiety and depression, which I take medication for and go to therapy. I'm fairly involved with my cousins' kids, and I talk to them a lot about mental health struggles, the fact that they might be vulnerable to it because of their family history, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of; it's something to be treated like any other illness. Especially with the girls who have the father who is an addict, we talk a lot about what he was like before he started using and how the drugs ruin your brain so you're not the same person anymore. Even though I think their dad is a deadbeat, I want them to understand that addiction is an illness and it's primarily the illness doing this to him, and that he also had good traits that they inherited as well.

 

[Sans Souci]

Yes exactly! I can't help it that I am insecure. It comes from YEARS of being told I wasn't good enough and being controlled because obviously I was so incompetent that if I was left to my own devices, I would fail completely. I still have anxiety about friendships, wondering if people actually like me or are just being sociably acceptable and nice. Like I always feel I have to perform and be who people want me to be, because "me" isn't enough. If even your own mother thinks you are a screw up and annoying, how is the rest of society supposed to accept you? I tried so hard to be who she wanted me to be, and who she wanted me to be was HER. And I couldn't be her, so I was never going to succeed. My husband gets frustrated with me when I'm insecure, but he never had someone telling him constantly that he had to change to earn acceptance. His parents were always supportive of him and showed him affection. My mother did not like displays of affection. She didn't even like me sitting next to my boyfriend in college, or holding hands. She considered that "being all over each other". And she would come to my concerts, and I would have a solo, and she would never applaud. I asked her once why she didn't applaud at concerts. (not just mine... She didn't even applaud when we saw Phantom of the opera on Broadway in NYC) She said she didn't believe in rewarding people with applause just because. She wouldn't applaud unless they really deserved it. Well, I guess she didn't think I was a very good singer, but if Broadway professionals didn't deserve it, how could a high school girl like me compete? You'd think that she would be more.... Validating to her own child, but I wasn't worthy because I wasn't enough like her. I feel like you and I have similar issues because of the way we grew up. I totally understand your pain and that social pressure to keep that relationship with the parent who abused you, because people think that emotional abuse isn't abuse and that your parent somehow has a RIGHT to abuse you because they paid for shelter and food for nearly two decades... Like that earned them a free pass to treat you horribly and you should thank them for it. You are so strong to have cut your mom out and say you weren't going to put yourself through that anymore. I never had the strength to do that. My mom died when I was 25 and I kept trying to earn her love up until the day she passed.

It's hard to let go of the programming. It's difficult to find a therapist nowadays. Heck, I struggled to find one in 2019. I was put on a few waitlists, but nobody ever got back to me. Then COVID happened and that resulted in a mental health crisis for a lot of people. It makes me angry, because I am not the one who made the mess, but it's my responsibility to clean it up.

 

[StarWarsGirl]

It's hard to let go of the programming. It's difficult to find a therapist nowadays. Heck, I struggled to find one in 2019. I was put on a few waitlists, but nobody ever got back to me. Then COVID happened and that resulted in a mental health crisis for a lot of people. It makes me angry, because I am not the one who made the mess, but it's my responsibility to clean it up.

I got lucky with mine. A lot of therapists in Maryland are doing telehealth since COVID, and we're fortunate because we don't have a shortage of healthcare workers in this state overall. Hopkins attracts a lot of healthcare workers here. So I found her pretty quickly because she was accepting new patients and doing things remotely. I've been seeing her for about a year now. She's no longer accepting new patients, but I do know of a few therapists that do telehealth appointments and are accepting new clients, fortunately. The caveat being you have to live in Maryland and be physically located in Maryland to meet with a provider.

Finding a therapist to work with my brother was an exercise in frustration. He finally started with one about a month ago after about six months on a wait-list. Actually, everything with my brother's care is generally an exercise in frustration in spite of him being seen at one of the better mental health facilities in the country. *sigh*

 

[Sans Souci]

It could be the millennial in me, but I'm pretty open about it. Mental health struggles run in our family, as does addiction. My great grandfather was an alcoholic. My maternal grandfather has definitely had struggles with alcohol. I have anxiety and depression, which I take medication for and go to therapy. I'm fairly involved with my cousins' kids, and I talk to them a lot about mental health struggles, the fact that they might be vulnerable to it because of their family history, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of; it's something to be treated like any other illness. Especially with the girls who have the father who is an addict, we talk a lot about what he was like before he started using and how the drugs ruin your brain so you're not the same person anymore. Even though I think their dad is a deadbeat, I want them to understand that addiction is an illness and it's primarily the illness doing this to him, and that he also had good traits that they inherited as well.

I have depression and anxiety as well and I, too, take meds. I have talked about it in this thread here and there. I use a light box in the winter, etc. Mental health and addiction run in my family as well. I don't judge people for having depression or any other mental illness. I do feel safe talking to certain people in my life, but not everyone is understanding and empathetic. I get a lot of, "Don't be depressed--pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or "There is no reason for you to be depressed." There was someone this very message board who belittled people with depression back in Sept and I tried explaining to him that it doesn't mean you're "soft" if you have depression. He posted something back. I didn't engage, some people aren't worth the effort. I was on vacation at the time and I'd just gotten over COVID. I just wanted to have a pleasant vacation. People don't understand that you can have what appears to be a good life and still have depression. I do what I can to keep it at bay. About 90% of the reason I workout is for my mental health.

 

[Sans Souci]

I got lucky with mine. A lot of therapists in Maryland are doing telehealth since COVID, and we're fortunate because we don't have a shortage of healthcare workers in this state overall. Hopkins attracts a lot of healthcare workers here. So I found her pretty quickly because she was accepting new patients and doing things remotely. I've been seeing her for about a year now. She's no longer accepting new patients, but I do know of a few therapists that do telehealth appointments and are accepting new clients, fortunately. The caveat being you have to live in Maryland and be physically located in Maryland to meet with a provider.

Finding a therapist to work with my brother was an exercise in frustration. He finally started with one about a month ago after about six months on a wait-list. Actually, everything with my brother's care is generally an exercise in frustration in spite of him being seen at one of the better mental health facilities in the country. *sigh*

I live across the river from Philly, so there are a lot of UPenn-trained healthcare workers in my neck of the woods, which is what I find frustrating. I think the issue I am/was running into is I was looking for a specific type of therapist. I was looking for a trauma-informed therapist. They are not as plentiful as regular therapists, because it's additional training and not everyone wants to do it. I know there are websites like BetterHelp, but I worry about those being sketchy.

 

[Sans Souci]

Hello-

Checking in with my workout. I follow a calendar in my workout app and today was a chest workout. I wasn't feeling it. A few weeks ago, I bought this piece of equipment called a Tidal Tank. (I only provide the link so I wouldn't have to explain what it is, because it's kind of weird. I am not an affiliate or anything like that.) So I decided to use it. It was different. Because it's water and sloshes around, you are working a bunch of smaller muscles trying to balance yourself. I think I will take this with me when I travel, since it is very portable. Anyway, I used that with rebounding and rope jumping.

I was going to go for a walk, but it's just gloomy outside. It's also that time of year where I'm just sick of bundling up to go out. I am also very tired today. I think I need to eat more or scale back my workouts. I think I am going back to 45 min workouts on Monday.

 

[Lilofan]

Hello-

Checking in with my workout. I follow a calendar in my workout app and today was a chest workout. I wasn't feeling it. A few weeks ago, I bought this piece of equipment called a Tidal Tank. (I only provide the link so I wouldn't have to explain what it is, because it's kind of weird. I am not an affiliate or anything like that.) So I decided to use it. It was different. Because it's water and sloshes around, you are working a bunch of smaller muscles trying to balance yourself. I think I will take this with me when I travel, since it is very portable. Anyway, I used that with rebounding and rope jumping.

I was going to go for a walk, but it's just gloomy outside. It's also that time of year where I'm just sick of bundling up to go out. I am also very tired today. I think I need to eat more or scale back my workouts. I think I am going back to 45 min workouts on Monday.

Eating more is also key for me. I am a daily 5am lap swimmer at LA fitness swimming my 1400 yards . I have gotten lean and swimming is a true fat burning cardio workout. I have got to eat more because swimming burns a bunch of calories. One thing I look forward to is my daily power nap. I have read that college and professional swimmers that swim 2x a day in addition to land based workouts nap daily but also eat 4-5 times a day. There is a 20 yard swimming pool by Casita 3 at Coronado Springs so when I stay there I swim there early morning when no one is there. I drink a cup of java right before swimming then drink hot green tea throughout the day another fat burning drink.