Before we got married, we talked about all those things....division of labor and such. I said the one chore I HATE is doing dishes. I'm a picky eater and don't like a lot of sauces and the smells will nauseate me. I don't want to grab a dish and stick my finger in ketchup or mustard....it's just disgusting to me. So my husband agreed to do the dishes, and he hates ironing, so laundry is my thing and if he needs a dress shirt for a work meeting or something, I iron it. Everything else was supposed to be divided based on how much each of us worked so it evened out. But then we had our first baby and I was home all the time, so I took care of everything except the dishes. Then we had our second and I was still home. When he was almost 1, I got a part time job, but the chores never got redistributed. So I still work part time and still do all the chores, except
theoretically dishes. But my husband decided the kids should have chores and the best chore for kids is dishes....so he got rid of his only chore without lessening my list at all. My daughter asked to be given a different chore so she helps me cook. But then in the vacations and weekends, he gives them time off...no chores on weekends or in the vacation. But someone still has to do them, and it's always me because I can't cook if the counter is full of dishes. Even when it's not vacation, my son is not good at dish tetris, so he doesn't fit everything into the dishwasher, and I have to start another load 9 times out of 10. So I'm doing almost all the dishes, plus everything else, and working part time, while my husband does nothing around the house.
I don't think he intentionally leaves it all on me, but I also think he's a big boy and can see what needs to be done without me telling him to do it. I don't believe in being the nagging wife...I'm not his mother, but I think he could do more, especially on weekends and in vacations when he's off anyway. And the fact that he doesn't notice how much I'm doing and how much he's NOT doing, makes me feel invisible.
You don't have to read this, I know it's long, but just to illustrate what I mean: It was mothers day weekend several years ago now. He asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day, and I said I wanted a lazy day off...a day of not having to do all the things I normally do. We always have to spend the day at his parents' house, so we were driving there and were spending the night because he wanted to go to the movies that night and they live closer to the theater. So he went out to the movies and came back at 2 a.m. I had stayed up late thinking I would get to sleep in on Mother's Day and he'd take kid duty. 6:30 a.m. our son wakes up as usual, and I can't wake my husband up, so I have to get up and get him breakfast. I did NOT get my own breakfast, because I thought the kids would likely want to help him make it for me. By 9:30 I was starving. My husband wanders downstairs and sits down on the couch, and I say something about being hungry. He does nothing. So I say I'm going to go make some eggs, giving him the chance to offer to make me breakfast and instead he asks me to make some for him, too. Then for lunch, my MIL and I head to the kitchen. My FIL tells my MIL "No! It's mother's Day! You go sit." and I expect that my husband will do the same, but he does not. And my FIL doesn't cook. And then my BIL came over with his son. So my FIL has kicked my MIL out of the kitchen and I get to make lunch for the whole family by myself. And then my FIL starts to clear the dishes, but he's got a herniated disc in his back and is in pain, so I can't let him do that, but no one else jumps up to help. So I do the dishes by myself. Then dinner rolls around and thank goodness we have decided to order food so no one has to cook. But again, the cleanup falls to me, my BIL just goes home as soon as he's eaten and my FIL kicks my MIL out of the kitchen because it's supposed to be her day off. I've spent the day waiting on everyone when my gift was supposed to be NOT doing that. Then we're in the car to go home, and my husband looks at me and smiles and says "So how was your lazy day?" I think he MUST be making a joke and perhaps he has something else planned that this was all just a distraction to throw me off. So I look at him, confused, and say "It was just like any other day." I figured he would look back and realize he hadn't done ANYTHING for me for Mother's Day....there was no gift, and instead of making me breakfast, he had me make his. Instead, he looked at me and laughed and said "So you're saying you're lazy
every day?" Not only did he not do anything for me, but he also didn't appreciate anything I had done that day, considering all my work as being lazy. To this day, I'm not sure he even understands why I was in tears. HE got a nice lazy day....stay up late and go to the movies by himself while I stayed with the kids, slept in while I got up with the kids, got everyone's breakfast, made lunch for everyone and cleaned up, and all he did was sit on the couch and watch TV. Nice lazy day. For him. But it never occurred to him that for him to have that nice lazy day, someone else had to work, and that someone was me.
Obviously, this is an extreme example, but that's basically how it works....I do all the chores and he doesn't notice. And he never complains about what I DON'T do. He's not the kind to ask where his dinner is or why the floor isn't vacuumed, or whatever. But he also doesn't really think about how much is left to me, just takes it for granted that I will do it. He doesn't think to scrub a sink if it's got toothpaste in it, or empty the trash in the livingroom because it's full. It will sit there overflowing until -I- get tired of it and take it out. He just doesn't really give a thought to what I do so that he can be lazy when he's not at work. And if the house is messy, he doesn't bother with it...it will wait until I get to it, because he sees it as my job. I don't know how it works with anyone else here, but all my friends are the same except for one. We women all take care of the children and do the household chores and our husbands work the standard 40 hours a week. But I'm the only one who also has an outside job, except for the one friend who works and her husband stays home with their kid. And it IS frustrating. I don't want to have to treat my husband like a 3rd child. I want him to notice and appreciate what I do and sometimes give me a break so that -I- can have a lazy day, too. I don't want to be working all day while everyone else gets a week of vacation.
@SteveBrickNJ , I'm absolutely not saying this is how you are...I don't know you at all and I don't know your wife. But is it possible that your wife is feeling unappreciated? It might also just be the stress of the pandemic and all the changes....some people don't deal well with change. But it sounds like something is going on with her and maybe the thing to do is just ask her. She might be waiting for you to ask because it means you noticed there was something wrong and you care enough to ask what it is. Just my 2 cents, speaking from my own experience.
He stands there, frozen, and just stares at me. 
