Where in the World is Bob Saget?

[Zweiland]

Here's a joke I just heard today.

*cough cough* Ahem. (clears throat)

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

[Nemo14]

 

[acishere]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering-wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says, "You know you got a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

 

[Zweiland]

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

 

[Goofyernmost]

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

 

[PUSH]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

 

[Zweiland]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Why was Cinderella a bad baseball player?

She ran away from the ball and her coach was a pumpkin.

 

[PUSH]

It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, it's just that he didn't have the balls to do it.

 

[PUSH]

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

[Zweiland]

A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" the Priest asks.

"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible."

"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.

"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."

"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"

"No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.

The priest sighed, "You missed the f****** putt, didn't you?!! .

 

[PUSH]

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

 

[PUSH]

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

 

[Zweiland]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

[PUSH]

Energizer Bunny arrested: charged with battery.

 

[Zweiland]

What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

 

[PUSH]

Why did the man go to the grocery store?



Because he was out of milk.

 

[PUSH]

What is red and smells like blue paint?



Red paint.

 

[Zweiland]

Why was the boy sad?

Because he had a frog stapled to his face

 

[PUSH]

I love anti-jokes! But unfortunately the ones that make me laugh are the ones that would be frowned upon if posted on the forums.

 

[unkadug]

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?".

The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.