Brief History of France at War
An unofficial synopsis
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Gallic Wars - Lost
In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost
Saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost
France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion
France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied
Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost...
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost
The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution
In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won
Primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost
Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost
Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied...
and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.
World War II - Lost
Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost
French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost
Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.
1991 Gulf War - Won
Refer to Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
War on Terrorism - France
Keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
FINAL TALLY: Won = 3; Lost = 10; Tied = 5.
Now, do we REALLY want them on our side?
