In-Line:
Those of you adventurers entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise,
please notice there are two lines, one on the right and the other on
the left. If you'd like to keep your family together, please stay in
the same line. However, if there is someone in your family you'd like
to get rid of, just put them in the opposite line and you'll never see
them again.
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that
lost the roll of 50 $20.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please
report to the turnstile ... we have good news for you. We found your
rubber band.
To speed things up, we ask that you tell the loaders -- the men who
will be helping you into the boats -- how many there are in your
party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say "Hi,
Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party..." and he
will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party,
say " Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my
party..." and he will save you four seats.
Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably
resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a
long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle
Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around.
One ... Two ... Three. There- those at the back of the line are now
at the front. Doesn't that make you feel better?
Your attention, please. We do not allow cutting in line here at the
world-famous Jungle Cruise. Anyone caught with a pair of scissors
will be asked to leave.
There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American
continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have
82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads.
Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try
to keep the line moving. If the line won't move, simply run in place.
Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to
board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting... veterans of
the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their
parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.
Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim
they've spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days.
But we know that's ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not
spotted.
We have some pretty smart animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys,
for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go
ape. And snakes, they're pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th
letter of the alphabet is and they'll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known
for their intelligence, but you can't trust them. Yeah, you never
know when they might be a lyin' (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are
by far the smartest animal in the jungle. Just last week, I asked
what four minus four is, and he said nothing.
Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting
to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with
your horse, you'll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you
to monkey around in line just as long as you don't go bananas.
It's a four hour wait from there. Have you been upstairs yet?
Other Assorted Jokes:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eckiphino. Well, that's not really what you get, but you must
understand, this is a family attraction.
Why did the elephant ride on the Jungle Cruise? Frankly, I don't
know, but I wish someone would find out- he's sunk five of our boats
in the last week alone.
Why did the ape get a job? He was tired of monkeying around. Why did
the elephant quit his job? He was tired of working for peanuts.
Knock, Knock... Who's there? ... Toucan. ... Toucan Who? ... Toucan
not fit through the turnstiles at the same time.
Knock, Knock... Who's there? ... Safari. ... Safari Who? ... Safari,
so good. You'll be on the Jungle Cruise in just a few minutes.
Boat Loading:
Watch your step as you enter the boat. If you're entering from the
back, come up to the front. If you're in the front, just follow the
simple instructions of your simple minded loader.
Please listen to the boat loaders. They used to work in a sardine
factory until they got canned. They didn't mind too much though- they
worked for scale.
Come all the way to the front- up by me. There's no truth to the
rumor that you get a longer ride in back.
Slide all the way forward now... That's the only way we have of
keeping the cushions clean!
Some of you might want to come up and sit on our sacrificial altar
(pointing to the center cushion). We like to balance out the boat so
when we sink, we go down evenly.
Please move in together as close as possible and try to cover up all
of the blue seat cushions. There have been extensive scientific
studies that have proven that the color blue attracts deadly flying
piranhas. (Using color of boat for blue.)
Please remember that the tighter you get, the better the heating
system on the boat works.
(As people load in the back) There's no dancing in the back there,
folks... no dancing... you will have to be seated. Dancing is only
allowed on the promenade deck.
If you could just sit in the doorway there- it keeps the wild animals
out and the chickens and turkeys in.
I get paid for the number of people I take out... not the number I
bring back!
Don't worry if it's crowded now... there'll be lots of room on the way
back.
How many of you are on the Jungle Cruise for the first time? Good!
So am I.
Let's get one thing straight... if we start to sink, the captain will
be going down with the boat. I'd like you to meet your new captain
(looking at nearby guest)... What did you say your name was?
Those of you sitting in the back are going to get a charge out of this
trip. Yeah- you're sitting on the battery. Some people find that
revolting, but I think that there is a positive and negative side to
everything. Shocking, isn't it.
Pulling away from the dock:
Welcome aboard the Leaki Tiki. Adventure lovers, my name is (name)
and I'll be your captain- unless we run into trouble- in which case
your new captain will be taking over. (looking at nearby guest)...
What did you say your name was?
Hello, everyone. I'd like to welcome you aboard the world-famous
Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I'll be your skipper for as far
as we get.
Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise. My name is
(name), and I'll be your skipper, guide, social director, and dance
instructor for the next three months.
Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the world-famous Jungle Cruise.
My name is (name), and I'm going to be your skipper and guide for the
next five exciting days and six romantic nights.
Where are you from (sir/madam)? (Guest answers) Sorry? (Guest
repeats) Oh- I heard you the first time, I was just sorry.
Everyone turn around and wave good-bye to the folks back on the
dock... They may never see you again.
Now, let's everyone turn around and wave good-bye to those people on
the dock we've left behind. (In low voice) Come on folks... pretend
like you're having a good time.
OK.. before we go much further, everyone raise your right hand and
repeat after me. "I hope.... we do return". Good! Better turn and
take one last look at the dock- you may never see it again!
Before I came to the Jungle, I worked in an orange juice factory, but
I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. My boss almost beat the
pulp out of me...
Rain Forest:
As we leave the last outpost of civilization, we travel deep into the
mouth of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical rain forests,
where it rains some 365 days a year.
(Alternate: We're now leaving the last outpost of civilization and
entering the jungle by way of the Irrawaddy river of Burma.)
As you can see, countless varieties of plant life grow in abundance
here. In fact, we've counted more than 100 varieties of rare
bromeliads in this area. Many of these tropical plants get their
nourishment simply from the air.
Now please watch out for these carnivorous vines (pointing). Last
week, one of them reached into the back of the boat and pulled a woman
right out. It was awful! And just before she disappeared, she was
feeling just vine.
(Pointing) In fact she was sitting right where that
(lady/man/girl/boy) in (color) is sitting!
Toucan:
On that old stump there are spectacular toucans, some of the most
colorful birds in the jungle.
Toucan do much better than one can.
Over there are three toucans- also known as a six pack.
Hornbill Cross:
And for your serious bird watchers, over there is a hornbill. Looks
like he's really gone out on a limb this time. If he's not careful,
he's going to wind up a snack for those crocodiles.
And for all you serious bird watchers, over there is a serious
hornbill, in serious trouble. If he's not careful, he's going to wind
up a tasty lunch for those crocodiles! Seriously.
Over there is a rare species of hornbill... about to become a little
more rare.
Old Smiley:
On the other side is my favorite jungle resident, Old Smiley, one of
the laziest crocodiles in these parts. I do suggest that you keep
your hands inside the boat because Smiley is always looking for a hand
out.
And on the other side is Old Smiley. Did you know that crocodiles
have remained basically unchanged for the last 20 million years? It's
true! And that's just about how long Smiley's been on this river. He
doesn't get around much anymore. Usually, he just sort of sits
around, waiting for our boats and looking for a hand out.
(Turning to a guest) Would you mind sticking your hand out as a
demonstration?
Ancient Shrine:
These are the ruins of an ancient shrine, almost totally destroyed
centuries ago by an earthquake. Many explorers have tried to steal
that priceless ruby, but no one's ever gotten past that poisonous
spider.
How many of you think that's a big spider? (show of hands) How many
of you think he's bigger than the one crawling up that (man's/woman's)
leg (quickly pointing to guest). You don't believe me? Just last
month there was an English teacher on board- she didn't believe me
either. Now she's teaching shorthand!
(Turns off lights, kills motor) Oh no, not again!
(Unapproved joke) (Pointing to pillars) This was the Walt Disney
Company's first attempt at a monorail system.
Sunken City:
Through this archway, we enter the remains of the sunken city, now
almost totally reclaimed by the jungle.
Three Cobras:
(In low voice) Don't make any sudden moves! Those king cobras are
the world's largest poisonous snakes... and they go out for a bite
every few minutes!
Up on the steps... three king cobras. Hmm... there use to be four of
them- I wonder where the other one is? (Look around boat interior)
Bengal Tiger:
(In low voice) That's no house cat over there. Bengal Tigers can
jump over 20 feet, and we must be at least, well... 19 feet away!
That Bengal Tiger over there weighs about 500 pounds. He's looking
right at you (sir/ma'am)- better keep smiling.
Elephant God:
On our left is Ganesha, the elephant god, who guards the entrance of
the sacred bathing pool of the elephants.
Elephant Pool:
And it looks like a whole herd has come down to bathe! Don't scare
them now... of course, the big shot gets the private shower... but I
kind of like the little squirts myself.
And look at all the elephants out here today! This comes as a
complete surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys were going to
be here. If you want to take pictures go ahead- all the elephants
have their trunks on.
And just ahead, you'll notice an alligator playing with an elephant.
That's not a sight you'll see every day!
(lower voice) But I will.
See that elephant right there, that's the richest elephant in the
whole jungle. Yeah- it's 'Donald Trunk'.
Squirting Elephant:
As we leave the elephant pool, we head into... uh-oh- a big one is
coming up on the right and it looks like he's aiming for us!
(Elephant squirts over bow and goes down again, then comes up) Oh no!
He's coming up again- you folks on the right get down! Well... I
guess he didn't have time to reload.
OK, we're leaving the elephants now and pressing further into the...
Wait a second, it looks like one of the larger elephants did not want
to be disturbed. He's coming up again... you folks in the back get
down! (After elephant does not squirt) Sir in the (middle/back)-
that was very clever hiding behind the little child.
Plants:
Since we are in an area filled with rare tropical foliage, I'd like to
take a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There's one,
there's one... (Point left, point rear left, point right, etc)
Anybody know the names of those? Anybody? Oh well.
Safari Outpost:
You know, a lot of safaris camp around this area. Hmm.... that could
be one up ahead. (Points) Uh-oh... this one has some uninvited house
guests! They do have a unique way of washing the dishes. (Points to
water) Those gorillas sure did a sloppy job parking that jeep! But I
guess monkeying around comes naturally to 'em.
Nothing to be concerned about. Just a bunch of gorillas having a good
time. I wouldn't get too close, though. They may look like a nice
bunch, but let me tell you- those guys are really animals.
Now please, if you're wearing yellow, don't make any noises like a
banana... it drives them ape!
Ah, that explains things! It looks like that safari has some
uninvited house guests! (pause) (Yelling to gorillas) Hey! Where'd
you guys learns to parallel park anyway? (Back to guests) Ah,
they're not listening. I guess they're too busy monkeying around.
Gorillas & Crocodile:
Now there's a croc with a snappy personality! Ha- he's going to get
himself a knuckle sandwich if he's not careful.
Well, will you look at that- some of the camp's food made it
downstream. But I don't think it's going to waste.
Schweitzer Falls:
(Skipper has back to falls, distracted by the gorilla/croc scene) Uh-
oh, lean in back there! Lean in! (motions to guests and spins wheel
around) Whew! That was close!
And now, we're approaching the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, named after
that famous African explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.
This is the backside of Schweitzer Falls, named for the backside of
the famous explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.
Ahead is beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and I (wheel appears to jam and
skipper tries to free) Oh no! You folks in the back lean in! Duck!
Whew! That was close!
(Not necessarily approved) Don't worry about the waterfall; it won't
get you wet. The water in the falls, like everything else at
Disneyland, is completely synthetic.
To the left is the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and if you look over
here to your right.... and then back to your left, you can have a
second look at Schweitzer Falls.
Nile River:
We've turned on to the Nile river of Africa, the longest river in the
world, winding across more than 4000 miles.
Bull Elephants:
Up on the Elephants bank, we have African bull elephants. Those
enormous ears and great tusks distinguish them from the Indian
elephants we saw earlier.
On the left bank there- it's a huge bull elephant. The large sloping
forehead and enormous ears mark the African bull, the second most
feared animal in the jungle. On the other, THE most feared animal in
the jungle- his wife!
African Veldt:
(Pointing) By the look of those baboons up there, something's up on
the great African veldt. Ah-ha! It looks like that pride of lions
has made a kill, and the clean-up crew, those hungry vultures, are
waiting for their share. This region points out the basic law of the
jungle- "survival of the fittest."
Oh, it looks like the entire baboon family has come down to the
water's edge today, along with the other residents of the African
veldt. See the striped animals over there? Those are zebras. And
the big tall ones with the long necks? Those are giraffes. And the
black ones over here with horns- well, I've never seen them before.
They must be gnu!
We're about to enter the Africa veldt, an immense grassland home to an
endless variety of wildlife- baboons, wildebeests, giraffes, gazelles,
gnus, g-lions, g-zebras. (hard g-sounds)
Here's a little advice. Never play poker in the jungle, because there
are lots of cheetahs around. If they say they're not a cheetah, then
they're probably just a lion.
Trapped Safari (Rhino):
There's that lost safari we've been looking for. Obviously mixed up
in some kind of native uprising.
Well, bottoms up, fellows, I'm sure you'll get the point... in the
end!
Uh-oh... look! That safari's in a tight spot there. But that rhino
seems more than willing to give them a lift.
That rhino seems to be getting his point across, and I'm sure that guy
on the bottom will get it in the end!
Well- you know what they say... safari, so good. So I guess we'll be
moving on.
Hippo Pool:
We are now turning onto a pool of dangerous hippos, so please, sit
still and don't rock the boat. These huge creatures are quite curious
and could easily upset our boat. So please, don't do anything that
might attract them!
Last week, they overturned six of our boats... only FIVE of them were
MINE, though!.
Don't worry, the natives tell me that they are only dangerous when
they wiggle their ears and blow bubbles....
How many of you are willing to go on? (show of hands) How many of
you want to turn back? How many of you are apathetic about the
situations?
Uh-oh... it looks like one of them's going to try to charge our boat!
(shoots) Looks like we've scared them off. I bet he'll have a
headache tomorrow!
If we're all real quiet, you can sometimes hear the baby hippos
calling for their mothers. (Low voice) Shhh- be real quite now...
listen .... (leaning out of boat, yells) "Hey mom!"
Entering Head Hunter Country:
We're entering headhunter country now... be very quiet. In that canoe
over there... the remains of my last crew. They had a good time, even
to the end- they're still smiling.
Shhh... we're entering headhunter country now... don't make a sound.
In that canoe over there... some of the native's arts and crafts.
Art's the one on the top!
We're not out of danger yet- this is headhunter territory. Remove
your jewelry please. The natives have been complaining of
indigestion.
Native Village:
The natives seem to be celebrating the kill of that lion... maybe we
can sneak by. Don't attract their attention.
Attacking Natives:
Keep your eyes on these bushes on the right there. (Turns around
quickly) They're on the LEFT this time.
Uh-oh, it looks like a native war party on the left. You folks,
please get down on the floor. (Makes whooshing sound into mike) Ah,
those are spears by the way.
Women and children- stand up! All the men- get down! If they hit you
with a spear, just pull it out and throw it back at them- we're not
allowed to keep souvenirs. We certainly don't want you to be stuck
with it for the rest of the trip.
On the left, a friendly group of native traders. Ukka Mucka Lucka...
Ubonga Swahili Ungawa... Wagga Kuna Nui Ka... It's a good thing I
speak their language. (Turns to guest) They want to trade their
coconuts for your (wife/child/husband)... I think we should hold out
for at least four.
Falls:
Beautiful Schweitzer Falls is upon us again. The overhanging rock
formation will afford us a different view this time. I have a special
treat for you, folks. You may never have seen this before... there it
is- the backside of water!
Now hold onto your seat cushions because we're about to do something
really special- no extra charge. Are you ready? We're now going
UNDER water!
Rapids of Kilimanjaro:
Uh-oh, up ahead- the treacherous rapids of Kilimanjaro. Very sharp
and dangerous rocks through here... notice the huge waves crashing
against our hull. (Makes crashing wave sounds in mike)
Ho hum... here we are at the famous rapids of Kilimanjaro. We'll
probably have to shoot them. (Leans over and shoots rapids with thumb
and index finger.)
(Steering wheel back and forth) Notice the skill and finesse your
skipper uses to guide the boat through safely. Those of you who wish
to take pictures, feel free.
If we start sinking, we'll have to lighten our load. (Turns to guest)
You folks over there want to get your belongings together? You may be
leaving us shortly.
Hang on... we're coming across some white water here. One of those
jagged rocks could easily rip the bottom right out of our boat. If we
start to go down, just grab for the bright red seat cushions. (color
not on boat) They're the only ones that float.
We're now entering the incredibly dangerous white water rapids of
Kilimanjaro. Grab hold of something solid, like those safety bars of
the person next to you because we're going to be bouncing up and down
a lot! (jumps up and down, side to side) Whew! Did you feel the
sheer power of that?
On the right here are some fascinating rock formations. Really
interesting. It's sad though. I come through here all the time,
point these out to people, but they just take them for granite.
(Alternate: See that rock right there, it's actually made of
limestone, but many of my crews just take it for granite.)
Python/Water Buffaloes:
Uh-oh... Look ahead there! A huge python. It looks like he tried to
put the squeeze on that baby water buffalo... Actually, he's very
affectionate, and if we get much closer, he could get a crush on you!
And on the left, a huge python, one of the jungle's most fascinating
and studied creatures. After all, look at all the animals that
totally get wrapped up in the subject!
Trader Sam:
There's old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been
shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam's offering a two-for-one
special: two of his, for one of yours!
There's old Trader Sam... Three explorers came through here last week
and Sam invited them for dinner. When he told them what the menu was,
they completely lost their heads.
Return to Civilization:
And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey- the return
to civilization! I certainly hope you've enjoyed our cruise.
However, if your in-laws are still with you, you've missed a golden
opportunity. However, bring them back later tonight for our "in-law"
special... halfway for half fare, no questions asked.
And now, the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to
civilization and those California freeways. Talk about a jungle!
Make sure you have all personal belongings with you... cameras,
purses, small children... anything left on board will be thrown
screaming to the crocodiles.
Unloading:
Two of the world's largest pygmies will assist you from the boat.
Please take your kids by the hand and watch your step.
OK, everybody stand up please. Those of you on the dock side will be
helped out by the front, those of you on the water side should turn
around and you'll be helped out by the rear... of the boat that is.
When I count to three, everybody stand... the last one standing is a
baby hippo. Ready? One... two... four! Look at all the baby hippos!
Do stand up... off your seats, on your feets.
All right... if you don't stand, you'll have to go again! I knew that
would get you up.
Look down and watch your step as you exit. If you feel faint, don't
hesitate to throw your arms around the necks of the unloaders...
that's ladies only, please!
If you feel your feet getting wet as you leave the boat, you've
probably gone out the wrong side.
Don't fall in the water as you leave... we'll have to charge you
extra.
Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had
such a good time- I'm going to go again! (low voice)... and again,
and again, and again...
Bye now.. come back and see me again when you have the courage... and
enjoy the rest of your stay in the Magic Kingdom.
Aren't you going to say good-bye, after all we've been through
together?
Please be sure to tell your friends how much you enjoyed the Jungle
Cruise... it helps keeps the lines down.
Please don't go out the window- you'll get a window pane.
Please exit the boat the same way you entered... pushing and shoving.
Watch your step, and please don't step on small children
indiscriminately. Pick the one you want and make sure you get him!"
Of all the groups I've taken on this ride, you're the most ... recent.
We hope you enjoy the rest of your day here in this magic and
enchanting land that we call ... work.
If you would like to see me on the David Letterman Show next month...
please write him a letter and tell him you would like to see me there!
Those of you adventurers entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise,
please notice there are two lines, one on the right and the other on
the left. If you'd like to keep your family together, please stay in
the same line. However, if there is someone in your family you'd like
to get rid of, just put them in the opposite line and you'll never see
them again.
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that
lost the roll of 50 $20.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please
report to the turnstile ... we have good news for you. We found your
rubber band.
To speed things up, we ask that you tell the loaders -- the men who
will be helping you into the boats -- how many there are in your
party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say "Hi,
Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party..." and he
will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party,
say " Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my
party..." and he will save you four seats.
Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably
resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a
long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle
Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around.
One ... Two ... Three. There- those at the back of the line are now
at the front. Doesn't that make you feel better?
Your attention, please. We do not allow cutting in line here at the
world-famous Jungle Cruise. Anyone caught with a pair of scissors
will be asked to leave.
There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American
continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have
82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads.
Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try
to keep the line moving. If the line won't move, simply run in place.
Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to
board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting... veterans of
the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their
parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.
Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim
they've spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days.
But we know that's ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not
spotted.
We have some pretty smart animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys,
for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go
ape. And snakes, they're pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th
letter of the alphabet is and they'll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known
for their intelligence, but you can't trust them. Yeah, you never
know when they might be a lyin' (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are
by far the smartest animal in the jungle. Just last week, I asked
what four minus four is, and he said nothing.
Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting
to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with
your horse, you'll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you
to monkey around in line just as long as you don't go bananas.
It's a four hour wait from there. Have you been upstairs yet?
Other Assorted Jokes:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eckiphino. Well, that's not really what you get, but you must
understand, this is a family attraction.
Why did the elephant ride on the Jungle Cruise? Frankly, I don't
know, but I wish someone would find out- he's sunk five of our boats
in the last week alone.
Why did the ape get a job? He was tired of monkeying around. Why did
the elephant quit his job? He was tired of working for peanuts.
Knock, Knock... Who's there? ... Toucan. ... Toucan Who? ... Toucan
not fit through the turnstiles at the same time.
Knock, Knock... Who's there? ... Safari. ... Safari Who? ... Safari,
so good. You'll be on the Jungle Cruise in just a few minutes.
Boat Loading:
Watch your step as you enter the boat. If you're entering from the
back, come up to the front. If you're in the front, just follow the
simple instructions of your simple minded loader.
Please listen to the boat loaders. They used to work in a sardine
factory until they got canned. They didn't mind too much though- they
worked for scale.
Come all the way to the front- up by me. There's no truth to the
rumor that you get a longer ride in back.
Slide all the way forward now... That's the only way we have of
keeping the cushions clean!
Some of you might want to come up and sit on our sacrificial altar
(pointing to the center cushion). We like to balance out the boat so
when we sink, we go down evenly.
Please move in together as close as possible and try to cover up all
of the blue seat cushions. There have been extensive scientific
studies that have proven that the color blue attracts deadly flying
piranhas. (Using color of boat for blue.)
Please remember that the tighter you get, the better the heating
system on the boat works.
(As people load in the back) There's no dancing in the back there,
folks... no dancing... you will have to be seated. Dancing is only
allowed on the promenade deck.
If you could just sit in the doorway there- it keeps the wild animals
out and the chickens and turkeys in.
I get paid for the number of people I take out... not the number I
bring back!
Don't worry if it's crowded now... there'll be lots of room on the way
back.
How many of you are on the Jungle Cruise for the first time? Good!
So am I.
Let's get one thing straight... if we start to sink, the captain will
be going down with the boat. I'd like you to meet your new captain
(looking at nearby guest)... What did you say your name was?
Those of you sitting in the back are going to get a charge out of this
trip. Yeah- you're sitting on the battery. Some people find that
revolting, but I think that there is a positive and negative side to
everything. Shocking, isn't it.
Pulling away from the dock:
Welcome aboard the Leaki Tiki. Adventure lovers, my name is (name)
and I'll be your captain- unless we run into trouble- in which case
your new captain will be taking over. (looking at nearby guest)...
What did you say your name was?
Hello, everyone. I'd like to welcome you aboard the world-famous
Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I'll be your skipper for as far
as we get.
Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise. My name is
(name), and I'll be your skipper, guide, social director, and dance
instructor for the next three months.
Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the world-famous Jungle Cruise.
My name is (name), and I'm going to be your skipper and guide for the
next five exciting days and six romantic nights.
Where are you from (sir/madam)? (Guest answers) Sorry? (Guest
repeats) Oh- I heard you the first time, I was just sorry.
Everyone turn around and wave good-bye to the folks back on the
dock... They may never see you again.
Now, let's everyone turn around and wave good-bye to those people on
the dock we've left behind. (In low voice) Come on folks... pretend
like you're having a good time.
OK.. before we go much further, everyone raise your right hand and
repeat after me. "I hope.... we do return". Good! Better turn and
take one last look at the dock- you may never see it again!
Before I came to the Jungle, I worked in an orange juice factory, but
I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. My boss almost beat the
pulp out of me...
Rain Forest:
As we leave the last outpost of civilization, we travel deep into the
mouth of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical rain forests,
where it rains some 365 days a year.
(Alternate: We're now leaving the last outpost of civilization and
entering the jungle by way of the Irrawaddy river of Burma.)
As you can see, countless varieties of plant life grow in abundance
here. In fact, we've counted more than 100 varieties of rare
bromeliads in this area. Many of these tropical plants get their
nourishment simply from the air.
Now please watch out for these carnivorous vines (pointing). Last
week, one of them reached into the back of the boat and pulled a woman
right out. It was awful! And just before she disappeared, she was
feeling just vine.
(Pointing) In fact she was sitting right where that
(lady/man/girl/boy) in (color) is sitting!
Toucan:
On that old stump there are spectacular toucans, some of the most
colorful birds in the jungle.
Toucan do much better than one can.
Over there are three toucans- also known as a six pack.
Hornbill Cross:
And for your serious bird watchers, over there is a hornbill. Looks
like he's really gone out on a limb this time. If he's not careful,
he's going to wind up a snack for those crocodiles.
And for all you serious bird watchers, over there is a serious
hornbill, in serious trouble. If he's not careful, he's going to wind
up a tasty lunch for those crocodiles! Seriously.
Over there is a rare species of hornbill... about to become a little
more rare.
Old Smiley:
On the other side is my favorite jungle resident, Old Smiley, one of
the laziest crocodiles in these parts. I do suggest that you keep
your hands inside the boat because Smiley is always looking for a hand
out.
And on the other side is Old Smiley. Did you know that crocodiles
have remained basically unchanged for the last 20 million years? It's
true! And that's just about how long Smiley's been on this river. He
doesn't get around much anymore. Usually, he just sort of sits
around, waiting for our boats and looking for a hand out.
(Turning to a guest) Would you mind sticking your hand out as a
demonstration?
Ancient Shrine:
These are the ruins of an ancient shrine, almost totally destroyed
centuries ago by an earthquake. Many explorers have tried to steal
that priceless ruby, but no one's ever gotten past that poisonous
spider.
How many of you think that's a big spider? (show of hands) How many
of you think he's bigger than the one crawling up that (man's/woman's)
leg (quickly pointing to guest). You don't believe me? Just last
month there was an English teacher on board- she didn't believe me
either. Now she's teaching shorthand!
(Turns off lights, kills motor) Oh no, not again!
(Unapproved joke) (Pointing to pillars) This was the Walt Disney
Company's first attempt at a monorail system.
Sunken City:
Through this archway, we enter the remains of the sunken city, now
almost totally reclaimed by the jungle.
Three Cobras:
(In low voice) Don't make any sudden moves! Those king cobras are
the world's largest poisonous snakes... and they go out for a bite
every few minutes!
Up on the steps... three king cobras. Hmm... there use to be four of
them- I wonder where the other one is? (Look around boat interior)
Bengal Tiger:
(In low voice) That's no house cat over there. Bengal Tigers can
jump over 20 feet, and we must be at least, well... 19 feet away!
That Bengal Tiger over there weighs about 500 pounds. He's looking
right at you (sir/ma'am)- better keep smiling.
Elephant God:
On our left is Ganesha, the elephant god, who guards the entrance of
the sacred bathing pool of the elephants.
Elephant Pool:
And it looks like a whole herd has come down to bathe! Don't scare
them now... of course, the big shot gets the private shower... but I
kind of like the little squirts myself.
And look at all the elephants out here today! This comes as a
complete surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys were going to
be here. If you want to take pictures go ahead- all the elephants
have their trunks on.
And just ahead, you'll notice an alligator playing with an elephant.
That's not a sight you'll see every day!
(lower voice) But I will.
See that elephant right there, that's the richest elephant in the
whole jungle. Yeah- it's 'Donald Trunk'.
Squirting Elephant:
As we leave the elephant pool, we head into... uh-oh- a big one is
coming up on the right and it looks like he's aiming for us!
(Elephant squirts over bow and goes down again, then comes up) Oh no!
He's coming up again- you folks on the right get down! Well... I
guess he didn't have time to reload.
OK, we're leaving the elephants now and pressing further into the...
Wait a second, it looks like one of the larger elephants did not want
to be disturbed. He's coming up again... you folks in the back get
down! (After elephant does not squirt) Sir in the (middle/back)-
that was very clever hiding behind the little child.
Plants:
Since we are in an area filled with rare tropical foliage, I'd like to
take a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There's one,
there's one... (Point left, point rear left, point right, etc)
Anybody know the names of those? Anybody? Oh well.
Safari Outpost:
You know, a lot of safaris camp around this area. Hmm.... that could
be one up ahead. (Points) Uh-oh... this one has some uninvited house
guests! They do have a unique way of washing the dishes. (Points to
water) Those gorillas sure did a sloppy job parking that jeep! But I
guess monkeying around comes naturally to 'em.
Nothing to be concerned about. Just a bunch of gorillas having a good
time. I wouldn't get too close, though. They may look like a nice
bunch, but let me tell you- those guys are really animals.
Now please, if you're wearing yellow, don't make any noises like a
banana... it drives them ape!
Ah, that explains things! It looks like that safari has some
uninvited house guests! (pause) (Yelling to gorillas) Hey! Where'd
you guys learns to parallel park anyway? (Back to guests) Ah,
they're not listening. I guess they're too busy monkeying around.
Gorillas & Crocodile:
Now there's a croc with a snappy personality! Ha- he's going to get
himself a knuckle sandwich if he's not careful.
Well, will you look at that- some of the camp's food made it
downstream. But I don't think it's going to waste.
Schweitzer Falls:
(Skipper has back to falls, distracted by the gorilla/croc scene) Uh-
oh, lean in back there! Lean in! (motions to guests and spins wheel
around) Whew! That was close!
And now, we're approaching the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, named after
that famous African explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.
This is the backside of Schweitzer Falls, named for the backside of
the famous explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.
Ahead is beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and I (wheel appears to jam and
skipper tries to free) Oh no! You folks in the back lean in! Duck!
Whew! That was close!
(Not necessarily approved) Don't worry about the waterfall; it won't
get you wet. The water in the falls, like everything else at
Disneyland, is completely synthetic.
To the left is the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and if you look over
here to your right.... and then back to your left, you can have a
second look at Schweitzer Falls.
Nile River:
We've turned on to the Nile river of Africa, the longest river in the
world, winding across more than 4000 miles.
Bull Elephants:
Up on the Elephants bank, we have African bull elephants. Those
enormous ears and great tusks distinguish them from the Indian
elephants we saw earlier.
On the left bank there- it's a huge bull elephant. The large sloping
forehead and enormous ears mark the African bull, the second most
feared animal in the jungle. On the other, THE most feared animal in
the jungle- his wife!
African Veldt:
(Pointing) By the look of those baboons up there, something's up on
the great African veldt. Ah-ha! It looks like that pride of lions
has made a kill, and the clean-up crew, those hungry vultures, are
waiting for their share. This region points out the basic law of the
jungle- "survival of the fittest."
Oh, it looks like the entire baboon family has come down to the
water's edge today, along with the other residents of the African
veldt. See the striped animals over there? Those are zebras. And
the big tall ones with the long necks? Those are giraffes. And the
black ones over here with horns- well, I've never seen them before.
They must be gnu!
We're about to enter the Africa veldt, an immense grassland home to an
endless variety of wildlife- baboons, wildebeests, giraffes, gazelles,
gnus, g-lions, g-zebras. (hard g-sounds)
Here's a little advice. Never play poker in the jungle, because there
are lots of cheetahs around. If they say they're not a cheetah, then
they're probably just a lion.
Trapped Safari (Rhino):
There's that lost safari we've been looking for. Obviously mixed up
in some kind of native uprising.
Well, bottoms up, fellows, I'm sure you'll get the point... in the
end!
Uh-oh... look! That safari's in a tight spot there. But that rhino
seems more than willing to give them a lift.
That rhino seems to be getting his point across, and I'm sure that guy
on the bottom will get it in the end!
Well- you know what they say... safari, so good. So I guess we'll be
moving on.
Hippo Pool:
We are now turning onto a pool of dangerous hippos, so please, sit
still and don't rock the boat. These huge creatures are quite curious
and could easily upset our boat. So please, don't do anything that
might attract them!
Last week, they overturned six of our boats... only FIVE of them were
MINE, though!.
Don't worry, the natives tell me that they are only dangerous when
they wiggle their ears and blow bubbles....
How many of you are willing to go on? (show of hands) How many of
you want to turn back? How many of you are apathetic about the
situations?
Uh-oh... it looks like one of them's going to try to charge our boat!
(shoots) Looks like we've scared them off. I bet he'll have a
headache tomorrow!
If we're all real quiet, you can sometimes hear the baby hippos
calling for their mothers. (Low voice) Shhh- be real quite now...
listen .... (leaning out of boat, yells) "Hey mom!"
Entering Head Hunter Country:
We're entering headhunter country now... be very quiet. In that canoe
over there... the remains of my last crew. They had a good time, even
to the end- they're still smiling.
Shhh... we're entering headhunter country now... don't make a sound.
In that canoe over there... some of the native's arts and crafts.
Art's the one on the top!
We're not out of danger yet- this is headhunter territory. Remove
your jewelry please. The natives have been complaining of
indigestion.
Native Village:
The natives seem to be celebrating the kill of that lion... maybe we
can sneak by. Don't attract their attention.
Attacking Natives:
Keep your eyes on these bushes on the right there. (Turns around
quickly) They're on the LEFT this time.
Uh-oh, it looks like a native war party on the left. You folks,
please get down on the floor. (Makes whooshing sound into mike) Ah,
those are spears by the way.
Women and children- stand up! All the men- get down! If they hit you
with a spear, just pull it out and throw it back at them- we're not
allowed to keep souvenirs. We certainly don't want you to be stuck
with it for the rest of the trip.
On the left, a friendly group of native traders. Ukka Mucka Lucka...
Ubonga Swahili Ungawa... Wagga Kuna Nui Ka... It's a good thing I
speak their language. (Turns to guest) They want to trade their
coconuts for your (wife/child/husband)... I think we should hold out
for at least four.
Falls:
Beautiful Schweitzer Falls is upon us again. The overhanging rock
formation will afford us a different view this time. I have a special
treat for you, folks. You may never have seen this before... there it
is- the backside of water!
Now hold onto your seat cushions because we're about to do something
really special- no extra charge. Are you ready? We're now going
UNDER water!
Rapids of Kilimanjaro:
Uh-oh, up ahead- the treacherous rapids of Kilimanjaro. Very sharp
and dangerous rocks through here... notice the huge waves crashing
against our hull. (Makes crashing wave sounds in mike)
Ho hum... here we are at the famous rapids of Kilimanjaro. We'll
probably have to shoot them. (Leans over and shoots rapids with thumb
and index finger.)
(Steering wheel back and forth) Notice the skill and finesse your
skipper uses to guide the boat through safely. Those of you who wish
to take pictures, feel free.
If we start sinking, we'll have to lighten our load. (Turns to guest)
You folks over there want to get your belongings together? You may be
leaving us shortly.
Hang on... we're coming across some white water here. One of those
jagged rocks could easily rip the bottom right out of our boat. If we
start to go down, just grab for the bright red seat cushions. (color
not on boat) They're the only ones that float.
We're now entering the incredibly dangerous white water rapids of
Kilimanjaro. Grab hold of something solid, like those safety bars of
the person next to you because we're going to be bouncing up and down
a lot! (jumps up and down, side to side) Whew! Did you feel the
sheer power of that?
On the right here are some fascinating rock formations. Really
interesting. It's sad though. I come through here all the time,
point these out to people, but they just take them for granite.
(Alternate: See that rock right there, it's actually made of
limestone, but many of my crews just take it for granite.)
Python/Water Buffaloes:
Uh-oh... Look ahead there! A huge python. It looks like he tried to
put the squeeze on that baby water buffalo... Actually, he's very
affectionate, and if we get much closer, he could get a crush on you!
And on the left, a huge python, one of the jungle's most fascinating
and studied creatures. After all, look at all the animals that
totally get wrapped up in the subject!
Trader Sam:
There's old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been
shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam's offering a two-for-one
special: two of his, for one of yours!
There's old Trader Sam... Three explorers came through here last week
and Sam invited them for dinner. When he told them what the menu was,
they completely lost their heads.
Return to Civilization:
And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey- the return
to civilization! I certainly hope you've enjoyed our cruise.
However, if your in-laws are still with you, you've missed a golden
opportunity. However, bring them back later tonight for our "in-law"
special... halfway for half fare, no questions asked.
And now, the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to
civilization and those California freeways. Talk about a jungle!
Make sure you have all personal belongings with you... cameras,
purses, small children... anything left on board will be thrown
screaming to the crocodiles.
Unloading:
Two of the world's largest pygmies will assist you from the boat.
Please take your kids by the hand and watch your step.
OK, everybody stand up please. Those of you on the dock side will be
helped out by the front, those of you on the water side should turn
around and you'll be helped out by the rear... of the boat that is.
When I count to three, everybody stand... the last one standing is a
baby hippo. Ready? One... two... four! Look at all the baby hippos!
Do stand up... off your seats, on your feets.
All right... if you don't stand, you'll have to go again! I knew that
would get you up.
Look down and watch your step as you exit. If you feel faint, don't
hesitate to throw your arms around the necks of the unloaders...
that's ladies only, please!
If you feel your feet getting wet as you leave the boat, you've
probably gone out the wrong side.
Don't fall in the water as you leave... we'll have to charge you
extra.
Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had
such a good time- I'm going to go again! (low voice)... and again,
and again, and again...
Bye now.. come back and see me again when you have the courage... and
enjoy the rest of your stay in the Magic Kingdom.
Aren't you going to say good-bye, after all we've been through
together?
Please be sure to tell your friends how much you enjoyed the Jungle
Cruise... it helps keeps the lines down.
Please don't go out the window- you'll get a window pane.
Please exit the boat the same way you entered... pushing and shoving.
Watch your step, and please don't step on small children
indiscriminately. Pick the one you want and make sure you get him!"
Of all the groups I've taken on this ride, you're the most ... recent.
We hope you enjoy the rest of your day here in this magic and
enchanting land that we call ... work.
If you would like to see me on the David Letterman Show next month...
please write him a letter and tell him you would like to see me there!
