Here's a new version I made of the Country Bear Jamboree, where I feel like I ruined it in my attempts to improve it.
When guests enter Grizzly Hall, they are put into a 19th Century theater foyer. There, they can see posters of some of the performers, as well as photos telling the history of Grizzly Hall and the Country Bears. Soon, Ursus’ voice will come from overhead and declare that they are ready to begin.
Guests enter a grand theater that looks a lot like the Magic Kingdom variant of the show. However, there are balconies up above, the five stages are slightly larger, and there is a cysteine chapel-style ceiling with bears. The guests sit down and wait for the show to start.
Then, the lights begin to dim. Ursus’ voice comes from over the intercom:
Ursus: “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Welcome to Grizzly Hall! It is a pleasure to have you here today. Now, without further adieu, the Country Bears!”
Silence passes and the curtains don’t rise.
Ursus: “Uh, the Country Bears!”
Still, nothing happens.
Ursus: “Guys, it’s showtime!”
Just then, three heads on the wall, a moose, an elk, and a deer, look to the stage.
Moose: “What is going on? Why isn’t the show starting?”
Elk: “I don’t know. Maybe they’re still in preparation.”
Deer: “This has never happened before. Maybe they’re off on the wrong foot today.”
Elk: “Well, I guess we should just wait. It’s not like we’re going anywhere anytime soon.”
Moose: “Of course.”
Just then, the stages rise on the right balcony. On it are two possums, who play a Waldorf and Stalter-type role in the show.
Possum Pete: “What do you think is going on? Are they having trouble?”
Possum Paul: “This show never breaks down! How could it not be working?”
Possum Pete: “Well, this clearly isn’t the most popular attraction in the Magic Kingdom, so why would it be a popular attraction here?”
(Both laugh)
Possum Paul: “Look at the audience. I see so many bored parents. I can see people in the back getting up already. No wonder why the Disneyland version of this got replaced by Winnie the Pooh.”
Possum Pete: “Why of course. Being annoyed by a stuffed bear is better than being annoyed by an Audio-Animatronic bear.”
(Both laugh again)
Just then, the curtain closest to the right balcony opens up. Ursus H. Bear is there, looking up at them.
Ursus: “Ignore these guys. They’re always saying mean stuff like that. We apologize for that. We also apologize for the long wait. We had some difficulties but now we are ready to start the show. Now, without further adieu, the Country Bears!”
The big center stage raises its curtains and reveals the Country Bears, playing their song. In music, Ursus introduces everyone in the band as well as gives info on each one of them. This is a clone of the Magic Kingdom song, but aside from that, the rest of this music is modified or original to this version of the show. Ursus tells the guests to give a round of applause, and then the curtain closes on him and the stage. When the song ends, Pete and Paul give some heckling.
Possum Pete: “Are we done yet?”
Possum Paul: “Are you kidding? We just started.”
Possum Pete: “But it feels like I’ve been here forever.”
Possum Paul: “Now you know how the adults felt when seeing this show in the Magic Kingdom.”
(Both laugh.)
Ursus: “Now, here on the show we’ve got our guitar-playing friend, who’s got a song about the wilderness. I present to you, Benjy Bearra, singing ‘Home on the Range!’”
The stage furthest left opens its curtains and reveals a fat bear in overalls. He gives a nervous smile and says hello to the audience.
Benjy: “Hi, I’m Benjy Bearra. I usually play the guitar here but…….I lost my guitar. I don’t know where it went, but let’s hope we find it by the next show. However, I’ve got these bagpipes to temporarily replace them in this act. I don’t know how to play them, but I’ll try.”
Benjy then holds bagpipes up and blows into them. With the noise, he sings “Home on the Range.” However, this causes noise that annoys the heads. In the background, Ursus demands that he gets taken off the stage.
Ursus: “Get him off, quick! We don’t want to give our guests a headache.”
In the middle of his song, Benjy is lowered off the stage. The curtain then closes on him as he descends.
Possum Paul: “Well that was a disaster.”
Possum Pete: “Are you kidding me? That’s the best act they’ve had yet. My favorite part was when he messed it up.”
(Both laugh)
Ursus (offstage): “What happened to Benjy’s guitar?”
Offstage manager: “I don’t know. Things have been disappearing all over the theater.”
Ursus: “I know. We’ve been trying so hard to find compromises to our acts, but now those are disappearing.”
Offstage manager: “Do you think we should call the show off?”
Ursus: “No. We’ll be disappointing so many people. Plus, the possums will heckle us for life. The show must go on.”
Offstage manager: “Well okay. What do you suppose we do?”
Ursus: “Let’s introduce our non-bear friends.”
Offstage manager: “Alright then. Let’s do it.”
Ursus appears on the stage furthest on the right with a racoon on his head. He looks around and speaks.
Ursus: “Sorry about that. Benjy will be playing some other time. We shall now introduce some of our critter friends. I present to you, Amy and the Woodchucks!”
The stage closes and the big stage opens, revealing an armadillo and four woodchucks. One woodchuck has a guitar, one woodchuck has a banjo, one woodchuck has a harmonica, and one woodchuck has drums. The armadillo has a microphone. The armadillo, Amy, speaks to the audience.
Amy: “How’d y’all do? My name is Amy Armadillo. This guy on the banjo is Chuck, this guy on the guitar is Chuck, this guy on the harmonica is Chuck, and this guy on the drums is……….. Steve!”
Steve: “I’m the adopted brother.”
Amy: “Now, today we’re gonna play you a ditty. Y’all heard of the Ballad of Bartemius W. Bullon? No? Well, allow us to sing it to you.”
The band plays an original song to the audience, which goes through without interruption. The two possums offer their commentary afterwards.
Possum Paul: “That actually wasn’t terrible.”
Possum Pete: “Yeah. They should just get rid of the bears and have more of those guys.”
Possum Paul: “Kids are afraid of bears anyways.”
(Both laugh)
Ursus then appears on the stage furthest to the left, where Benjy once was. The racoon on his hat is gone.
Ursus: “Good song. However, while Amy and her band were playing, we found some tracks backstage. Someone has been stealing our stuff, and soon, we will find them. Now, we would like to introduce……”
Just then, behind the curtains of the left stage closest to the main stage, Benjy’s shadow goes up while he is still singing “Home on the Range.” The curtains open to reveal him playing, but Ursus requests him to stop. Benjy can’t hear this over the noise of his bagpipes, so he is lowered from the stage again.
Ursus: “So where was I? Oh yes. We would like to introduce a newcomer of ours. He’s been working on this song for a while now. I present to you, Donnie Crash!”
His stage curtains lowers as the stage on the right closest to the big stage opens, revealing a well- dressed bear with a guitar. His look and name are a parody of country singer Johnny Cash. The second he is revealed, Donnie starts playing “I Draw the Line” by Johnny Cash. However, the stage suddenly drops on him towards the end of the song, the noises of a critter climbing on him coming from the stage, and when it comes up, he is missing his guitar.
Donnie: “Hey! Where’d my guitar go?”
On the stage next to him, the curtain unveils Ursus.
Ursus: “Looks like our hidden thief has struck again; Luckily, I’ve found some clues. Clue Num- ber One: the animal tracks were not made by a bear, but of a small critter. Clue Number Two: the only thing that this person is taking from us is our instruments. Clue Number Three: it’s only us bears who have lost our instruments. Put these three pieces of evidence together and this means that some small critter here is taking something from the bears.”
Donnie: “You know who I think it is? It’s those heckling possums up there!”
Both of them look up there while the possums gasp.
Possum Paul: “You think that just because we don’t care for your little show, we want to sabotage it?”
Possum Pete: “Yeah, why would we want to do that?”
Donnie: “You keep making rude comments about our performances.”
Possum Pete: “That doesn’t prove anything.”
Possum Paul: “By the way, we were up here the whole time, so how could it have been us who stole your guitar?”
Ursus: “You know, he makes a point. Two small possums can’t carry a big guitar. Well, while we discuss this, let’s move on to our next act, the Singing Sisters.”
The two small stage curtains drop while the big stage curtain comes up. Three small female bears dressed in Southern attire start singing “Davy Crockett.” However, in the middle of their song, Benjy comes down from the ceiling on a lift and plays the accordion.
Female Bear 1: “Benjy! What is the matter with you!?”
Female Bear 2: “Yeah, we’re in the middle of an act!”
Female Bear 3: “And what’s with the accordion?”
Benjy: “My bagpipes were stolen. After being lowered for the second time, I went unconscious and then when I woke up, I was up there. I came down, but I was thinking of how embarrassing it would be to come down without making music.”
Female Bear 2: “Embarrassing? You’re coming in during the middle of our act. That’s embarrassing enough for all of us.”
Female Bear 1: “Benjy, please get back up there and be quiet!”
Benjy (somberly): “Okay.”
Benjy goes back up and stops playing. Once he does, the girls continue their song. However, at the end, some beavers come from the stage and interrupt the girls by playing a banjo rendition of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana (with some modified lyrics to make the experience family-friendly.) After one verse, the stage drops and the possums offer their commentary.
Possum Pete: “Man, what a show this is becoming! So many things have gone wrong for them!”
Possum Paul: “But so many things have gone right for us!”
(Both laugh.)
Grandmother Possum: “Pete! Paul! What are you doing?”
An elderly possum comes onto the balcony. She is upset. When she arrives, the two possums stop laughing and look nervous.
Possum Paul: “Granma? What are you doing here?”
Grandmother Possum: “I came to see the show, and you guys are being very disrespectful!”
Possum Pete: “But Granma, you know how lousy these guys are. All they do is play country music, and while they make the kids happy, they make their parents want to die.”
Grandmother Possum: “You watch your tongue, Pete! I understand that you don’t like these guys, but it’s a bad thing to heckle them in their own theater. I thought I raised you better than that.”
Possum Paul: “This is just a cheap place to dry off after Splash/Ocean Mountain. I’m sure that’s why all these people are here, but they don’t want to fall asleep, so they choose this over that America show in Waterfront Square.”
Possum Pete: “Yeah, I’m sure they’d rather be waiting in the long standby lines for that Avengers ride.”
Grandmother Possum: “That is enough! Say one more bad thing about this show and I’m not taking you on Space Mountain!”
With this threat, the Possums shape up.
Possum Paul: “Okay, okay. We won’t heckle them anymore.”
Possum Pete: “Happy now?”
Grandmother Possum: “Yes, I am. Now let’s continue the show.”
Just then, Ursus comes out on the stage nearest to the left balcony.
Ursus: “Who invited the beavers? They weren’t part of the show.”
Just then, some naughty high-pitched laughter is heard from the balcony on the left. He looks up in surprise.
Ursus: “Who was that? Someone do me a favor and raise the curtains of the left balcony.”
The curtains are raised on the left balcony and reveal all of the missing instruments. With them are some raccoons.
Ursus: “(gasp) Raccoons! You guys have been stealing all of our stuff!”
The racoons turn around and realize that they’ve been caught. Then, they run away.
Ursus: “Wait, no! Somebody stop them!”
On the stage next to Ursus is Amy Armadillo, who has a racoon with her. The raccoon is squeak- ing to her and she is somehow understanding it.
Amy: “This little fella admits that they stole all the instruments and invited the beavers. However, he also says that they did it because you wouldn’t let them be a part of the show.”
Ursus: “I was worried that they’d mess everything up.”
Amy: “Oh, Ursus, you shouldn’t judge one animal by what their species are known to do. That’s just wrong.”
Ursus: “(sighs) You’re right. I’m sorry. I guess I was a little assumptive of you guys. You know how much this show means to me and…..I was worried that it would be ruined if we got the wrong people.”
Amy then listens to the raccoon squeak.
Amy: “This guy has a deal. You let them be a part of the big finale and they will give you all of your instruments back.”
Ursus: “Deal. Just promise me one thing. You won’t go around taking things again.”
The raccoon squeaks.
Amy: “He says that it’s a deal.”
Ursus: “Okay then! Let’s do this.”
The curtain falls on Amy and the left balcony. Meanwhile, Ursus turns to the crowd and speaks.
Ursus: “Well folks, looks like we’ve found our stuff. Alongside this, we’ve learned a valuable lesson: we shouldn’t poorly judge people by where they come from. A good lesson well said. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we would like to present to you our big finale, starring our entire cast as well as the geese, gators, and hens of America!”
All of the curtains come up. Ursus remains on the stage while the stage next to him features Benjy, now with his guitar. On the two right stages are Donnie Crash and Amy Armadillo. The raccoons are up on the left balcony while the possums remain on the right. Paul says how they should sing and Pete agrees, saying how these guys aren’t as bad as they thought. On the stage are the three female bears, the woodchucks, the big bears, the beavers, and a bunch of geese, hens, and gators from the old America Sings attraction, most of which were moved to Splash Mountain. As a reference to the previous ride they were in, they sing “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.” Also, these figures would be moved from the California and Florida versions of Splash Mountain when they get the boot. After the song, the curtains fall on every stage and the left balcony, but it stays up on the right alcony for a brief few seconds.
Grandmother Possum: “I’m happy that you changed your minds about this. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go see how our Lightning Lane service is doing.”
Once she leaves, Paul and Pete talk with each other.
Possum Paul: “These guys aren’t bad and all, but what do you think that the audience thought of the show?”
Possum Pete: “I think they either loved it or hated it. Either was a fresh new take on the show or a half hour of their lives that they can never get back.”
Possum Paul: “Say, do you have to use the bathroom before the next show?”
Possum Pete: “Even if I had to go, I couldn’t. We’re bolted into our seats.”
The two of them laugh as the curtain closes on their balcony. Ursus’ voice comes from over- head, thanking guests for coming. He tells them to have a good day as the doors open and the guests exit the building.
