If I may, I would like to post my own "fix-it" for a film that will more than likely need it: Cats. I'm sure we're all aware of what a trainwreck Cats will be when it hits theaters this December, but I still think there could be a way to translate it well to film. First of all, make it animated, because if the trailer is any indication, having humans play cats does not translate well to live-action film.
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Cats
based on the musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber,
which was based on T.S. Eliot's "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats"
Layout by DisneyManOne
Somewhere in the world, a young Boy is getting ready for bed. However, his train of thought is derailed by his curious kitten, Victoria -- an all-white cat, freshly new and learning to experience the world. Victoria is a playful young kitten, and the Boy is devoted to her. The two have a good time playing a bit before the Boy's mother comes in to tuck him in. It's a peaceful night. The moon is shining bright, full and round in the sky. But just as the boy's eyes begin to droop...
...Victoria jumps out of the window and rushes out into the street! The Boy, startled, rushes out of his house and follows her through the streets of his town ("Overture") and into an old junkyard. Here, various cats have congregated, as if for a meeting. Much to the Boy's surprise, these cats can talk and sing. Apparently, these cats call themselves Jellicles, and they explain to the newcomer, Victoria, what it means to be a Jellicle cat. ("Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats") However, the revelry is interrupted when a cat notices the Boy watching. A silver tabby named Munkustrap approaches the boy, and asks if he's never heard of a Jellicle cat. When the boy asks "What's a Jellicle cat?", the cats react in shock and indignation. But nonetheless, the cats explain that being a Jellicle is being among the highest order of cat in the world. It means living up to your three names. When the Boy expresses confusion of that notion, the cats explain to him that a cat has three names: one that their human owners call them, a more dignified name, and a name that only the cat knows. ("The Naming of Cats")
Weirded out by the explanation, the Boy asks if he can take Victoria back home. But much to his surprise, Victoria speaks to him and tells him "I want to stay. Don't you know what tonight is? Tonight is the night of the Jellicle Ball!" Confused by such a process, Munkustrap -- being something of a storyteller for the Jellicles -- explains to the Boy that the Jellicle Ball is a special event that happens only once a year, and it has a special purpose. On this night, the Jellicles' wise leader, Old Deuteronomy, will choose one of the Jellicles to go up to the "Heaviside Layer" so that they can be reborn. Munkustrap goes on to explain that every Jellicle considers it a high honor to go up to the Heaviside Layer, and pretty much every cat gathered has hopes of going up themselves.
To demonstrate his point, Munkustrap suggests that the Boy meet some of the cats who hope to be reborn, first introducing Jennyanydots, an old "gumbie cat" -- a cat that seemingly does nothing but sit around the house all day. But when her human owners go to sleep, she sheds this lazy facade and sets about dealing with any vermin in her own unique way. She has the mice tutored in "music, crocheting and tatting" and makes sure they have a proper diet, and has the cockroaches enlisted in a scout troop in order to "prevent them from idle and wanted destroyment." ("The Old Gumbie Cat") The Boy is tickled by Jennyanydot's story, and suggests that she is far too important to be reborn. She should stay and make sure the mice and cockroaches don't break their habits. Just then, who should arrive but the Rum Tum Tugger, a wild and rambunctious cat who is noted for his picky and contrarian lifestyle. As the cats explain, "he will do as he do do, and there's no doing anything about it!" ("The Rum Tum Tugger")
However, the Tugger's revelry is interrupted by the arrival of Grizabella, a "glamour cat" who has since been shunned by the Jellicles. Victoria, being the youngest cat present, tries to reach out and touch her, but the adults pull her back. Two of the women of the tribe, Demeter and Bombalurina, explain to the Boy that Grizabella left and shunned the tribe in her youth. Now in old age, and with her beauty long since gone, Grizabella haunts the landscape. She has tried many times to regain the favor of the Jellicles, but they have always shunned her. After all, she turned her back on the tribe, and the Jellicles are a very proud tribe. But before the Boy can ask any more questions, Bustopher Jones appears on the scene! Bustopher Jones is an obese cat, but nonetheless is the toast of society, and very well respected by the Jellicles. ("Bustopher Jones - The Cat About Town") However, the mood is broken again by a loud crash! Fearing it to be the work of a being known as "Macavity", the cats scatter! The Boy is all alone in the junkyard. The Boy is unnerved by giggling. Suddenly, two cats spring up from the piles of junk and introduce themselves. Their names are Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, and they tell the Boy of their lives spreading mischief and causing destruction. ("Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer") Their song is catchy and jazzy, and the Boy finds himself dancing along! However, the other cats, seeing that the noise was these two thiefs, soon chase them away.
Just then, one of the cats, Mr. Mistoffelees, senses something on the wind. Old Deuteronomy is coming! As the cats prepare themselves, Munkustrap and the Tugger tell the Boy all about the beloved leader of the Jellicles. ("Old Deuteronomy") At last, Deuteronomy arrives and the cats greet him with respect. Deuteronomy is kind towards the Boy and to Victoria, and encourages the Boy to stay. With Deuteronomy here, the Ball can begin! It's a spectacular sight as the cats dance under the light of the full moon. ("The Jellicle Ball") However, at the conclusion of the dance, Grizabella appears again. Once again, Victoria tries to reach out to her, but is prevented. The Jellicles slink away, leaving only Deuteronomy and the Boy watching her. Alone, Grizabella tries to capture some of the magic of the ball, but she's too old, trying to dance is painful, and alone, it is pointless. She leaves, recalling "a time I knew what happiness was." ("Memory - Part 1") She does not notice the ever-sympathetic Deuteronomy reaching out to her.
Alone, the Boy asks Deuteronomy "Was it a good idea to cast out Grizabella entirely?" Deuteronomy responds "Looking back, I fear it was a horrible decision." Deuteronomy goes on to say "I was just thinking about what she said about knowing what happiness was. I feel we've all forgotten what happiness truly is." Victoria, having returned to her owner, expresses her opinions. "It must be a remarkable experience to go up to the Heaviside Layer. Maybe the cat chosen will be a cat who knows what happiness is."
The cats, having returned, bring on Gus, an old "theatre cat" who was a prominent actor in his prime. He reminisces about his time on stage, having received great acclaim and success. ("Gus the Theater Cat") The Boy asks Gus about his time in the theater. Gus tells him that although Firefroefiddle was his greatest role, his personal favorite was the Great Rumpus Cat in a play called "The Awful Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles". The Boy asks if he could still play the part, and -- with the encouragement of the rest of the tribe -- Gus agrees, and enlists the tribe to help him perform. Munkustrap serves as narrator, Tugger plays bagpipes and the rest of the tribe -- save for Deuteronomy and the Boy -- play the dogs. The story of the Awful Battle is about two rival dog clans -- the Pekes and the Pollicles -- who have an altercation in the middle of the street, which is soon joined by two other clans, the Pugs and the Poms. Such a fight is broken up by the arrival of the Great Rumpus Cat, who is able to scare all the dogs away. The Boy applauds the number, saying that Gus has still got a few good years left in him. Charmed by the Boy's words, Gus considers giving theater another try, much to the joy of the Jellicles.
The merry mood is heightened by the arrival of Skimbleshanks the railway cat, a cat who makes sure the train that carries the mail is able to get to its destination on time. ("Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat") But, as with everything at the Jellicle Ball, the mood is shattered once again by another crash. This time, it truly is Macavity! He sweeps into the junkyard and makes off with Old Deuteronomy! As the adults give chase, the Boy and Victoria are left alone with Demeter and Bombalurina, who explain exactly who Macavity is and why he is so feared among the Jellicles. ("Macavity") At the conclusion of the song, Old Deuteronomy...or at least what looks like Old Deuteronomy...comes back. But, Victoria is smart enough to claw at the "fur", revealing it to be an old robe. It's Macavity in disguise! As Macavity gloats about how he'll never reveal where Deuteronomy went off to, an enraged Munkustrap leaps upon Macavity and the two fight. Alas, Macavity is able to knock Munkustrap out, thus prompting all the Jellicles to take a swipe at Macavity. In a last-ditch effort to escape, Macavity cuts the power to the junkyard, killing the lights...but electrifying himself in the process.
Macavity is no more. But, the bigger problem remains. How will the Jellicles get Old Deuteronomy back? The Tugger suggests they call upon Mr. Mistoffelees, a cat magician who is a master with disappearance and re-appearance. ("Magical Mr. Mistoffelees") With his assistant, Cassandra, at his side, Mr. Mistoffelees is indeed able to bring Old Deuteronomy back!
The jubilance is cut short as Victoria and the Boy notice that the sun will soon rise. The night is almost over! The Jellicle Ball will soon come to an end! And that means it's time for Old Deuteronomy to make that fateful choice. Just then, Grizabella returns for a third time. The cats again shun her, but the Boy and Victoria persuade them to listen to her, an offer to which Deuteronomy agrees. Grizabella sings her shame of how she turned on the Jellicles, and how she's lost hope for a new life. ("Memory - Part 2") With Victoria giving aid, Grizabella is able to finish her song, and the choice is clear -- she shall go up to the Heaviside Layer to be reborn! As the cats see her off ("Journey to the Heaviside Layer"), a tire in the junkyard stretches ever-skyward and takes Grizabella and Deuteronomy high above the ground. A magical staircase appears in the clouds. Deuteronomy encourages Grizabella to take that fateful step and she disappears.
The sun is just starting to rise. The Boy and Victoria thank Old Deuteronomy for a splendid evening and prepare to head home. But Deuteronomy stops them for a brief moment, and encourages the Boy to come by for next year's Jellicle Ball. Tonight, he has become a good friend of the Jellicles and as such, Deuteronomy offers him the secrets to how he can make more Jellicle friends. ("The Ad-dressing of Cats") As the song finishes, the Boy wakes up. The whole experience with the Jellicles must have been a dream. He asks Victoria, who is once again mute, if what had happened the night before truly did happen. As the Boy prepares to head downstairs for breakfast, a meow catches his attention. He looks out his window to see Old Deuteronomy sitting outside his house, who gives him a wink.
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What do you guys think? Do you think this outline could work well for a Cats-based movie? Frankly, I may do an outline for a Starlight Express movie next. I've always thought that that particular musical would work well in the style of the cheesy hand-drawn animated films of the 80s!
