Another advice thread.

[Kramerica]

Met a girl awhile back. College student. Here in Washington finishing school before moving back home to family in California. Me and this girl hit it off. Start dating. Things get better and better. Grow closer and closer. I fall in love with this girl. This girl falls in love with me. We date for a long time. Things only get better.

I plan on proposing to her soon. But she is wanting to go back to California for an undetermined amount of time to see her family. Sell her car. Save money. etc. She's fully set on moving back there.

My belief on long distance relationships is simple. They don't work. And they can ruin something amazing very quickly. I'll do anything to be with her, but don't want to have things suffer and or be ruined by distance.

What do?

 

[rsoxguy]

Kramerica,

“Being in love” can be a deceptive term. Many divorced couples can attest to the fact that they were once in love. Many divorced couples will testify that they separated for many reasons, some of which involved the inability to agree with one another on life-goals and the methods used to achieve those goals. Love can turn to hatred when two people are not on the same track with respect to their desires and goals.

Such is your dilemma. You seem to want immediate togetherness, while she desires to settle one part of her life before she fully establishes a new part of her life. Your choices are clear. You can quit school and move closer to her (Bad choice!!!), you can propose, follow along with her plans with no personal input, and hope that you can cope with her choices over the next few years (Bad choice!!!), or you can postpone the idea of an engagement until you both sort through your personal goals and desires while then mutually agreeing to a game plan for your future together.

Obviously, the last choice mentioned is the one that I would suggest for you. It would be all butterflies and dandelions if you could plan a big, secret, romantic proposal; but breaking up a few years later, or divorcing several years later, would certainly tarnish the memory of a great proposal. The two of you need to talk about your future; do it now. Discuss your goals, fears, anxieties, and love. Talk about the whole package. Don’t hold back. We sometimes consider it to be unmanly when discussing our apprehensions with a potential mate. I believe that she will respect you more for the honestly and the concern expressed by someone who wants to share the rest of his life with her. If the two of you can not agree on your future goals and desires, then perhaps it is best to back away from the relationship now. Painful? Sure. Life altering? No. The pain of a broken engagement or a divorce would be much worse. The pain of hating someone you once loved while having to altar your entire life would be much worse.

The two of you need to work together now if you are to survive together later. As to the long distance thing; my wife and I met in college. We then went to our separate homes, about two hours away from each other. This is back in the days without Skype, cellphones, or emails. Yeah, I’m that old. We talked once a week on the phone, and we saw each other on the weekends. We did this for over two years before we married. How, you ask? By “being in love” enough to know that we were meant for each other, and knowing that God had a plan for our lives together. If you can figure these things out between you and this girl, distance will not be a hindrance any longer. Best wishes.

 

[Kandi]

I think you should just sit down with her and let her know how you feel. Don't bring up the idea of proposing but just discuss where you see yourselves in a few years time. As to the long distance relationship thing, i'm in one with my boyfriend, he lives in New Jersey and I live in the UK (about 3000 miles apart). We get to see each other about every 4-5 months and each time I do i get butterflies again. If you decide to go the long distance route communication is the key to keeping the relationship alive and lots of trust. We plan on getting married in the future and i'm going to move there to live with him, so i guess i'm a believer in long distance relationships but whatever you decide good luck :wave:

 

[prberk]

Both of the above posts are spot on, especially the last paragraph of rsoxguy's.

Her family will always be her family. You would both be marrying into each other's families. She has to work through what she needs to work through. If your love is not strong enough to endure that, then it is not strong enough for marriage.

Many too many young couples do not realize this. Working through these things together will not only test your relationship, but will strengthen it also if it is meant to be. And by that I mean in God's plan. Read I Corinthians 13. And pray about it.

This, of course is only my advice, but I have seen it work many times -- and I have seen it ignored at people's own peril. Hope this helps.

Paul

 

[foreverbelle]

Honesty, communication, trust...

My sister met this guy, she fell in love with this guy, this guy fell in love with her. But as a teacher she could not determine where in the world she would end up. She tried several times to get a job within the county, in neighboring counties and even a few in MD and DC-we live in NOVA-but sadly as a theatre teacher it wasn't like she could come across an opening for them every day. She ended up applying to a NC district and loo and behold she got the job.

Which was wonderful. But that meant leaving the man she loved behind. It was not an easy decision. But one she made. For four years she had her life and teaching job down there while he had his up there, he was not ready to move..etc...

But love at times can be a powerful thing.

They emailed, they called. They came and saw each other when they could and they trusted in what they had. They were honest, and forgiving and believed in what they had, and that despite the distance they could survive until he moved down there.

Looking back my sister has said yes it was hard and there were moments of doubt, but the distance made them appreciate the time they had and made them fall in love with one another even more.

And in September they will become husband and wife.

So yes I think its possible, and it can be done. Is it going to take work? Absolutely. But if you should learn how to manage this, and you guys truly do love one another. Than isn't it worth it in the end?

Best of luck.